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Personal Journals

  • Explicit, Heavyweight
    Heavyweight

    1

    Heavyweight

    Pushkin Industries

  • Explicit, Let's Try This Again with B. Simone
    Let's Try This Again with B. Simone

    2

    Let's Try This Again with B. Simone

    Dear Media

  • Explicit, Keep it Positive, Sweetie
    Keep it Positive, Sweetie

    3

    Keep it Positive, Sweetie

    The Black Effect Podcast Network and iHeartPodcasts

  • Explicit, Reddit Stories Podcast - Mr. Redder
    Reddit Stories Podcast - Mr. Redder

    4

    Reddit Stories Podcast - Mr. Redder

    mr redder

  • Grounded with Louis Theroux
    Grounded with Louis Theroux

    5

    Grounded with Louis Theroux

    BBC Radio 4

  • Desperately Seeking
    Desperately Seeking

    6

    Desperately Seeking

    Mikhila McDaid

  • The Sister Circle Podcast
    The Sister Circle Podcast

    7

    The Sister Circle Podcast

    Chrystal Evans Hurst

Essentials

  • Thanks For Asking
    Personal Journals
    Personal Journals

    Every two months

  • This is Love
    Personal Journals
    Personal Journals

    Twice monthly

  • Explicit, Love and Radio: Blood Memory
    Personal Journals
    Personal Journals

    Updated weekly

  • Explicit, Ariise
    Health & Fitness
    Health & Fitness

    Updated weekly

  • Terra Firma
    Personal Journals
    Personal Journals

    Weekly series

  • Explicit, Gender Reveal
    Personal Journals
    Personal Journals

    Updated weekly

  • Explicit, The Mortified Podcast
    Personal Journals
    Personal Journals

    Every two weeks

  • 2026 Update: Christina

    3 DAYS AGO

    1

    2026 Update: Christina

    When Christina was in 11th grade, her foster mother made her quit playing basketball. After that, she felt like her life never got back on course. And so, she’s always wanted to ask her foster mother: why’d you make me quit? Now, 9 years after the episode originally aired, we check back in with Christina, and she tells us about seeing her foster mother one last time. You can sign up for our free newsletter at patreon.com/heavyweight This episode was produced by Jonathan Goldstein and Kalila Holt, with editing by Jorge Just, Alex Blumberg, and Wendy Dorr. The senior producer is Kaitlin Roberts. Special thanks to Emily Condon, Stevie Lane, and Jackie Cohen. The show was mixed by Kate Bilinski. Music by Christine Fellows, John K Samson, and Edwin, with additional music by Blue Dot Sessions and Hew Time. Our theme song is by The Weakerthans courtesy of Epitaph Records. Mixing on this update by Sarah Bruguiere. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    3 days ago

    •
    48 min
  • Trust Your Knowing with Pastor Touré Roberts

    6 DAYS AGO

    2

    Trust Your Knowing with Pastor Touré Roberts

    In this powerful episode of Let’s Try This Again, Braelyn Simone Greenfield reflects on growth, gratitude, and building something meaningful from the ground up. Coming off her first-ever LTTA retreat in Bali with 15 women from her community, she shares how witnessing unity, peace, and transformation in real life reminded her that this movement is bigger than social media—it’s about real connection and purpose . Joined by Pastor Touré Roberts, the conversation dives deep into identity, faith, and learning to trust your “knowing”—that inner voice guided by the Holy Spirit. From Braelyn navigating life off social media and rediscovering her identity beyond validation, to Touré sharing raw stories about being shot at 16, overcoming trauma, and learning obedience the hard way in relationships, this episode is filled with wisdom, vulnerability, and truth. Together, they unpack discipline, purpose, business, faith, and what it really looks like to grow into who God called you to be—even when it’s uncomfortable . This episode is a reminder that growth isn’t about having it all figured out—it’s about trusting God, listening to your inner knowing, and having the courage to try again. Please leave a review , if this episode spoke to you!  For exclusive bonus content, behind-the-scenes vlogs, a place connect with the LTTA FAM plus more join the LTTA app community at LTTA.app and unlock your invite today!  Audio Fam, since you listen to the audio every Monday , don’t forget to go watch the YouTube on Tuesday! Go comment “Audio Fam 🎧“ in the YouTube comments!!! //SPONSORS// ROSS: If you’re in your refresh era this spring, head to rossstores.com to find the Ross nearest you and shop the brands you love for less.  NOCD: If you're struggling with OCD or unrelenting intrusive thoughts, NOCD can help. Book a free 15 minute call to get started: https://learn.nocd.com/BSIMONE OSEA: Use code LTTA for 10% off your first order site-wide at OseaMalibu.com. LTTA APP: The App is available NOW!! Go to LTTA.app and unlock your invite. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

    6 days ago

    •
    1hr 21min
  • Build As You Are: Personal Branding Without Perfection

    3 MAY

    3

    Build As You Are: Personal Branding Without Perfection

    In PT.1 of this solo episode, Crystal breaks down what it really looks like to build a personal brand while you’re still becoming. From navigating pressure to be perfect to staying consistent, avoiding burnout, and building a brand beyond social media, this conversation is a reminder that you don’t have to have everything figured out to get started. Your brand isn’t something you wait to become; it’s something you build as you are. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    3 May

    •
    1hr 1min
  • Karen Won't Allow My Parents to Move In! - Reddit Stories

    1 MAY

    4

    Karen Won't Allow My Parents to Move In! - Reddit Stories

    So I thought things were going great until I mentioned that my parents really need a place to stay, and my girlfriend of only seven months started acting like a total Karen about the whole situation. She honestly has the audacity to say she won't allow them to move in, even though I am the one who actually owns the house and pays every single bill. It is just wild to me that someone who has been in my life for such a short time thinks she is entitled to make executive decisions about my family and my property. She seriously expects me to turn my back on my own parents just so she can keep the guest room as her personal yoga studio, and the level of selfishness she is showing right now is a massive red flag. And then the drama really peaked today when I told her that my parents are coming regardless and she needs to decide if she is okay with that or not. She went into a full meltdown and tried to tell me it is her house too, but it felt like a heavy dose of ProRevenge for my peace of mind when I reminded her that her name isn't on the deed and she doesn't contribute a cent to the mortgage. Watching her realize she won't be calling the shots in a home she doesn't even help pay for was the reality check she desperately needed. I'm not going to let a short-term relationship dictate how I take care of my flesh and blood, and she finally saw that her entitled demands won't work on me. It is honestly shocking how quickly some people try to take control of your life the second they get comfortable. We see these kinds of power plays all the time on the subreddit, and it is always a reminder that you have to protect your boundaries before someone tries to walk all over them. You don't want to miss out on how this family standoff ends, so make sure you subscribe for your daily Reddit stories and all the Karma updates we have for you. Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/reddit-stories-podcast-mr-redder--5571651/support. Love the drama? You aren't alone. We’re over here every single day breaking down the wildest entitled moments and the best karma on the internet. Hit subscribe so you don't miss the next one, and let us know in the comments if you’ve ever had to deal with a Karen like this in your own life.

    1 May

    •
    37 min
  • 20. Justin Theroux

    01/02/2021

    5

    20. Justin Theroux

    Covid-19 hasn’t gone away and, due to travel restrictions, neither has Louis Theroux. In the second outing of his podcast series, he tracks down more high-profile guests he’s been longing to talk to - a fascinating mix of the celebrated, the controversial and the mysterious. In the last episode of the series, Louis catches up with actor, writer and director Justin Theroux - who also happens to be Louis's cousin. With Justin in Mexico and Louis in Texas, they discuss family holidays in Cape Cod, ADHD and the perils of fighting with rocks. . Producer: Sara Jane Hall Assistant Producer: Molly Schneider A Mindhouse production for BBC Radio 4

    01/02/2021

    •
    1hr 11min
  • 2026 Update: Skye

    23 APR

    6

    2026 Update: Skye

    When Skye was in middle school, her best friends showed up at her home one night and wrote “f*ck you” on her garage door. After that, they never spoke again. Decades later, at the urging of her eleven-year-old son, Clark, Skye sets off to finally ask them why. In this update, Skye tells us how that confrontation has shaped her and Clark in the years since. You can sign up for our free newsletter at patreon.com/heavyweight This episode was produced by Jonathan Goldstein, Kalila Holt, Peter Bresnan, and Stevie Lane, with editing by Jorge Just and Alex Blumberg. Special thanks to Emily Condon, Devon Taylor, Annika Pillsbury, and Jackie Cohen. The show was mixed by Bobby Lord. Music by Christine Fellows, John K Samson, Bobby Lord, Edwin, Blue Dot Sessions, Michael Hearst, and Hew Time. Our theme song is by The Weakerthans courtesy of Epitaph Records. Mixing on this update by Sarah Bruguiere. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    23 Apr

    •
    50 min
  • Super Hero Pose

    03/03/2025

    7

    Super Hero Pose

    I run a small business with a colleague. This Summer will mark 2 years since we launched and I’d like to say we’re going from strength to strength but January hit us harder than expected. Partially supply related and partially a bit of burn out from the Christmas season but this week we bounced back in a way that really made me think. How much of the Q4 slump is a self fulfilling prophecy? We took our foot off the gas because we remember the post Christmas nose dive of last year. So did we think we could allow ourselves a break or were we protecting ourselves from that feeling of failure when orders decline? Further still, might we have kept things ticking over had we maintained pressure? Tomorrow we’re attending a market, which we booked as a bit of a jump start to the Spring season. We needed a warm up after 6 low effort weeks and when I tell you we turned things around in a matter of hours. We got together to prep for the event and it was like switching a light back on. I was back on track, refreshing the website, creating promotions, sending emails. I made 4 new scents, did the photography and prepped the listings on the site for everything we plan to launch in March – all things I would usually put off until the 11th hour. In 3 days we’ve had a sales week comparable with peak candle season .. in February. As someone who’s been semi-self employed for almost 15 years, success often feels completely out of my control. People say to keep at it and you’ll be rewarded but I have been on many paths that have felt like a real grind and haven’t led to that promised gold. Now I’m wondering, is it less about work and more about mindset? I’ve been straddling the world of sceptics and manifestation for a while but I do prescribe to the idea that your attitude affects your outcome. Not quite ‘believe it, achieve it’ but ‘whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.’ So how can we change our attitude? I once participated in laughter therapy at an event. It was as crazy as it sounds and not something I would have chosen to attend but it was a group of bloggers who didn’t know each other and it was billed as a bonding exercise. Who was I to argue? I went in feeling stupid, having to laugh out loud and fake a giggle to the partner beside me but by the end, I truly felt better. We were all genuinely smiling and more relaxed. I felt my shoulders soften and physiologically, I can’t tell you there was any difference in the feeling in my body than had the laughter been authentic. I don’t think your body knows the difference between fake joy and reality. Laughing increases the brain’s production of endorphins so you still feel the effects associated with that – pain relief, reducing stress– and effectively manipulate your brain in to legitimately improving your mood. Have you heard the theory behind the super hero pose? I first read about this (listened, let’s be real) in Shonda Rhimes book, ‘Year of Yes’. She also wrote it in to Greys Anatomy so maybe you saw it demonstrated by Amelia Shepard? The idea is that you stand for 1 minute in the morning and it will have a positive impact our your behaviour all day. You can read about the study here, I’m not going to pretend you came to me for science and statistics but there’s some of both to back this up, if you’re interested. They also tested the inverse, with people sitting and slouching and compared the subsequent behaviours of both groups. It’s a fascinating idea that again supports something that has always felt a bit ‘woo woo’ for most of us. I have certainly experienced my chosen attitude affecting my day - for better and for worse - so maybe we do have more control than it seems. One of my 40 things to do before 40 is to go and see a motivational speaker. This week, my friend Emma and I booked a place on the Mel Robbins UK tour. We’re waaay in the back, standing room only but I figured it’s less about the visual and more about the word. It cannot be a bad thing to stand body to body with other (presumably mostly) women feeling the same kind of ‘lost’ as I am and looking for direction. I think of this kind of thing in the same way I assume others think of Church. We’re seekers of a different flavour but seekers all the same. I want to believe that I have some control over my life, those of faith choose to believe someone else does. Either way, we want to know someone has the wheel and we can actively participate on keeping the vehicle on track. So although I didn’t technically tick off any of my to-do’s this week, this feels aligned with at least one and it’s really shifted my attitude for Spring. WEEKLY UPDATE So what else happened this week? Honestly, beyond the market prep and business stuff, not a lot! I did post a couple of vlogs, which I’ll link at the bottom of this post but I didn’t get a lot else done. I wanted to start reading the book I just bought but I didn’t so much as crack the spine. The small business universe can really envelope you sometimes and this was one of them. Today, I’ve reset for a brand new season and I’m excited for sunnier skies and less frigid temperatures. If you didn’t catch my Spring Mood Board last week, you should go and check it out. It’s a great way to set a tone for a new period and reignite some passion about your daily life rather than always be wishing and hoping for the future. Until next week, I hope the weather holds out and we all feel a little brighter. CATCH UP ON THE VIDEOS I POSTED THIS WEEK: This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

    03/03/2025

    •
    16 min
  • Giving Blood

    17/04/2025

    8

    Giving Blood

    I have no idea whether this transcript is any good but I’m playing with the feature. Also, I had in my AirPods while I was recording I think they ended up being my mic which isn’t great - but hey, it’s all a learning curve Hello friends welcome back. No intro music this week because I'm actually on my lunch break we didn't want that that wasn't the intra music I was looking for uh I'm actually on my lunch break from work and I thought it' probably a good time to give this voice memo thing on my new phone a whirl. So if you didn't know, if you've got an Apple, I feel like it's only the newer ones, but if you've got an apple iPhone that has the Apple intelligence on it, um now transcribes is the word I'm looking for. I'm just going to say translates. It now transcribes voice memos for you, whether it be ones that people have sent to you or the ones that you are sending to someone else. I thought I wonder if this works the same way if you are recording a voicem memo I use voice memo all the time from loads of stuff sometimes just reminding myself of things sometimes for things like recording the podcast on the go lots of stuff and now I'll get a full transcription at the end of this that I can post and uh use as the optional text version of this audio episode. I'm sure this is a thing that you can do elsewhere but I'm I'm just kind of playing with a new feature anyway hello welcome back. It is uh my four seat x 40 audio kind of almost weekly episode. There will be at least 40 episodes um and in this show in the series I am basically documenting myself trying to get through my list of 40 things that I decided I want to do before I turned 40. in February 2026, uh, which is time is going so quickly. I stole something the other day. I can't remember where it might have been on a podcast actually. I heard something the other day and someone said the reason that we get into gardening in middle age is that time goes so much quicker. So for an 18 year old, you plant something in the garden, the idea of not seeing that come to fruition for another six months is just mind boggling. Like why would I plant something now six months is in eternity? When you all pushing forty, you know six months is like a a blip. I get to this weird feeling and I know I'm not alone in this. I can't be. It's actually this weird feeling like I've been really looking forward to something at the moment it's my holiday. We're going on holiday about. He's about three weeks time, which is crazy but I've been really looking forward to it and then it gets to be a few weeks away and I start to get sad and I can't really explain it. We haven't even had the holiday yet. It's I should still be in the anticipation stage. I should still be really looking forward to it, but I'm almost like presub that it's over. Do you know what I mean? I don't know why and I it's crazy. I also remember the last time we went to Florida. I felt like two weeks was too long. We've never been in our two weeks right before and I felt like two weeks was was too many weeks so this time we've we've got 10 days. I don't know if I'll feel differently but I don't know I feel like I'm pretty sad. I feel like I've got the holiday blues before the holiday, which is crazy but I do think that part of that is the whole thing of time is going so quickly also the whole thing of time going so quickly going back to what I was actually saying is um I'll be 14 before I know it and so there was 40 things on my list need to start moving need to start getting done. I am very happy to announce that this week I did do one of the things on my list one of the things on my list was give blood so I did talk about this and Iugged this week but I was at my son's football match or it wasn't his football match. It was his football training where I just sit and I sit in my car and attempt to read my book because one of the things on my list is read a physical book this year. I have gone on to buy several more physical books. I haven't even finished the first one yet. I'm reading lightark. I couldn't tell you who wrote it. I don't have it in front of me currently driving, but the book is called lightark. I'm really enjoying it but I think I may be made a mistake in choosing fun to see. I should have gone. I definitely wanted to move away from Brom Gums. I used to exclusively exclusively like I really burned myself out on it read drumcoms and it's just become so predictable for me now that I can't even enjoy them so I kind of dicted my toe into fantasy in audiobook and I just couldn't really get into the idea of these books because the ones that are like real proper fantasy, the one that I listened to last year that I really did enjoy was called uh bewitches by come on, just like myself into work. The bellwitches by Lindsay Celt, who usually traditionally a rom-com all effect. She's also from the same time as being we've met and she's lovely. Anyway, the traditionally, she is a rom-com author and I was like this this is probably a good segue into a new genre and I would say that it was. I really enjoyed that. I did the voice out saying I didn't find it difficult to to get into that at all. However, I've tried to listen to things like a courtornoses and it's all just a little bit too I don't know. I don't know. I decided that the reason I couldn't get into it was the voice acting and it's all right that's enough car. I decided that the reason I was struggling with it was a fantasy book like that I had to hear it in my own voice and so that's why when I decided to read a physical book I went straight in with fantasy and I think that was a wrong turn. It's been a bit of a grind. I'm enjoying it, but I'm finding it hard to it's not a speed read for me and it's it's YA as well, which I won't say it's shameful because it's not what I did think it would be easier going when it has been. um anyway, so I'm listening I'm listening. I'm uh reading that and I've been taking my hour I have each week where I'm sitting outside my son's football training to read that book. uh I had already made an appointment to give blood because it was on my list. I'd registered and I made an appointment for like, I think it was for a few weeks time. And then I rocked up at this place. It's like a it's like a kind of working men's club with a field behind it. And the blood fan was there. So I thought well why would I not do this? So here we are. I have given blood. I've also already made an appointment to do it again in July. Apparently you can go every 16 weeks if you're a woman, every 12 weeks if you're a man, um I'm I'm not like a real hardcore pain person. I don't have like a really high tolerance for pain. uh and I have really bad veins. Apologies I should have given you a trigger warning people that don't like veins. My daughter and my son, my daughter more so a terrible. My mom is the worst. My mom has to make like a special appointment and she has to like lie down, go behind a thing. It's horrific. And then if I've ever taken my daughter for any kind of blood test, she once fainted four times four separate times as we were leaving, she fainted again, and they never even managed to do the blood draw. Some people have a really, really hard time with that and I totally get that, but with that in mind, because you've got the people who actually can't give blood for some reason, then you've got the people who can't give blood because they've got this real serious fear of it. I mean it doesn't even have to be like serious phobia level. It's just the idea of it. They can't even imagine. And there are so many people that I know in my immediate family that are like that. But I think those of us who do not have that fear should be doing it. So I just want to tell you it was not painful. I rocked up, not prepared at all. I haven't eaten or drunk anywhere near as much as I should have next time when I've got my appointment, I will be a lot more hydrated and I will have had a full meal just before hunt because I was a little bit nervous of that when I'm when I'm literally laying in the bed, someone behind me fainted while they were leaving and I was like no, that that particular day we had planned after football training I was taking Milo to see the Minecraft moving. I thought, I got to get in the car. Pretty sharpish after this and drive us to the cinema and I was getting a little bit nervous after the fact I might be woozy. Thankfully I wasn't at all. They do give you like a drink and a snack and stuff before you leave, but I was actually completely fine, even though I was not hydrated that day um but if you want to do this, I would say get yourself registered, look at places near you that you can go. It took a total of eight minutes half of it is like pre-screening but once you've been screened, that will be a much quicker process in the future. So like that a lot of that stuff that we did was like it's because it was the first time I'd given blood since being a registered donor. In the past, I've only ever done it like I hot when there's been a van somewhere like there used to be a van that came to work and I used to always give, but you know, that's just not a thing anymore. And so what actually triggered this, although it was already on my list at the beginning of the year, it actually triggered me to do this was my friend's dad died recently and he was able to be um an was an O an organ donor and after that she learned a lot about organ donation and how it's actually almost impossible. Like you pretty much have to be on live support to donate your organs so many people aren't able to donate their organs because their body isn't in a fit state to do that at the time that they die. um And so she was looking at like how needed this was and how rare it was and we got into the conversation about blood and I started looking up stuff to do with blood donations. At this point I hadn't registered and made my appointment and they are so in

    17/04/2025

    •
    23 min
  • Spring Mood Board

    24/02/2025

    9

    Spring Mood Board

    I mentioned in a previous post that vision boards were OUT for me, that ‘mood boards’ were the only way forward for positive visual guidance. I also realised that the vision boards I’d made were almost all more mood in tone anyway so.. this isn’t really a huge change but the introduction of a seasonal switch up has been a recent thing I’ve really enjoyed. This is an easy tick off my 40by40 list because I was doing it anyway but I added it so I’d have to share it with you. Think of this like styling for your life. If you’re looking for wardrobe inspo, you might save a folder of outfits you like. If you’re decorating, you might be screen grabbing from insta home accounts on the reg. This is collecting images that inspire you or represent how you want to feel. Doing this at the start of each season is a great way to set the tone for the next quarter and refresh your excitement for your day to day. This doesn’t have to mean shopping or spending any money at all. It’s not about changing yourself or your home. It’s more about choosing areas to focus on, maybe creating a colour palette.. it’s more a creative to do list, if you will. For me, it’s just more stimulating than words on a page and I’m more likely to be motivated by it. So what’s on the board for Spring? Pops of Pink It doesn’t have to be pink but I’d like to make the effort to inject more colour in to my day to day. Whether it be makeup or clothing, dopamine dressing is on the rise for a reason and after the coldest winter in memory, I will try anything to boost my mood. Bright Workspaces Again, the winter has been DARK for me and I’m ready for some LIGHT. I’ve been reorganising my office and I plan to shuffle the candle studio so that I have a brighter work space to spend my time in. I am craving light mornings and warm afternoons in a way I never have. Garden Prep Every Spring I get ahead of myself and clear out the garden too early. I start cleaning up and planting and then it inevitably snows or rains for the next 28 days. This year, I will plan a little less haphazardly and make sure I get outside when I can. I want to plant some more flowers from seed this year and commit to keeping the garden tidy as an almost (forced?) outdoor therapy. If left to my own devices I could go weeks without ever setting a foot outside, even though I know I need to see sunlight to have a chance at a lighter mood. All of my work and hobbies are indoor so I need to find a reason to leave the house. Business We’ve had a little more time ‘off’ than intended but candles are a seasonal business and I think we were both a little burned out (no pun intended) after the Christmas rush. Between that and a lack of supplies, we had a couple of very low effort months but we have an in person market on Saturday so we’re going to use that time to reset and make plans for the year. I want to get our social media/marketing plan in place and be less adhoc in 2025. Style Content This kind of fits in with the first but it’s more specific and quite different to what I’ve traditionally posted. I want to put more time in to sharing outfits and realistic styling on someone pushing 40, who lives a regular life in the North of England. Someone with an actual day job rather than a big city influencer is who I’m looking to follow but they’re few and far between so I want to be that for other people looking for that. They’re kind of mini goals to refresh my enthusiasm for keeping on track but more than anything, it’s a visual representation of a VIBE. It’s a feeling. So what else has been going on this week? Well.. we had the Great Flood of 2025, which I wrote about here and features in this vlog That was fairly terrible and we still don’t have lights downstairs but the wifi is back and the sockets are working so.. could have been much worse and we’re keeping our fingers crossed that the circuits will dry out eventually. It’s only been a week. I’ve been experimenting with how many meals I can make from one chicken (both as a cost saving exercise and trying to cook more) so expect something about that soon because it’s becoming somewhat of a fixation. I wrote something about my relationship with makeup and my face for Wednesday but I put it in video form - I was just in the mood - and the response has been really surprising. It’s more and more common for people to forgo makeup in their daily lives now and I truly thank lockdown for that. I think it’s helped me accept myself and my face at a time when I may have been more critical of my ageing appearance. I’ve been trying to avoid social media this week because every time I open instagram I’m pulled into comment sections I wish I hadn’t seen and reminded that there are people who truly do not care for anyones rights but their own. It’s an ongoing terrible place to be right now and yet it’s how I earn a portion of my regular income. I was talking to my kids about family channels recently. I didn’t post them much as kids and made most of the vlogs when they were young private a long time ago because I recognised that it wasn’t a great idea to put them online at that kind of volume. They still featured here and there but my vlogs are almost 100% just me because I don’t want to give viewers trolls (let’s be real) unnecessary access to my friends and family. With this in mind, I talked to my kids, given they’re older now, about family vloggers and asked what they thought. Neither of them had an issue with the general premise. Even when I pointed out the grey area with money and consent.. maybe because it’s so normalised to be online now? but I think I felt the same way 15 years ago. I couldn’t zoom out.. maybe that’s age. My point being, most adults would agree that family vloggers are not to be supported these days. We don’t want to feed in to a culture that could be exploiting children and so we protest it by avoiding that content - because if we engage with it, we’re no better than they are. So when social media feels as toxic as it has lately, as bitter and dark (and I recognise this is my timeline, probably not yours) how much of that has to lay with us for sustaining it. Especially those making money through it. I mentioned last week that I’d reset my feed and it’s helped some but not as much I’d have liked. I definitely feel a full instagram detox coming for me. Maybe I should have added that to my list so I had to do it! This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

    24/02/2025

    •
    27 min
  • WOMB RAIDER

    17/03/2025

    10

    WOMB RAIDER

    This morning I went for my waay overdue smear and I’m ashamed that I’m ashamed to tell you why. I had, what I have been describing as, a pretty traumatic experience at my last gynaecological appointment in 2020. I’ve been using the Mirena Coil as contraception for most of my adult life and have talked it up to anyone who would listen as not only a fantastic thought-free contraceptive but also, NO PERIODS, hello? Yes, it’s uncomfortable to put in and have changed but it’s worth it for the FIVE years of protection. The last time I went to have a new one put in, I decided to vlog my experience. The idea was to encourage more women to go get their smear AND introduce them to the wonderful world of coils. It did not go quite as planned. I don’t make a habit of crying on the internet so fair warning but if you want to see the raw reaction to what went down, it’s available for your viewing pleasure. I still maintain that for the majority, a smear is uncomfortable and invasive at worst but it’s essential healthcare that should not be put off. Again, I know there are some women for whom this is not the case so do not feel I’m dismissing you, in fact I’m about to get real hypocritical. When I went to have my smear done and my coil removed - I’m nothing if not efficient - they could not find the coil. They even pulled out the internal ultrasound but it was not to be found. This had never happened to me before but the nurse said it was common and the strings had likely been displaced at my last smear. I just needed to pop to the hospital so they could ‘go in and get it’. That didn’t sound like a lot of fun but she said, ‘just take a couple of ibuprofen 20 minutes before your appointment and you should be fine.’ Weeks later, I found myself on a park and ride bus to the hospital, having googled this procedure to death and feeling understandably nervous. I was arriving in plenty time to take the ibuprofen and wait to be called.. but they called me in early. I laugh now, thinking how concerned I was that the pills wouldn’t have time to take effect. How naive to believe they would have even touched the pain I was about to experience. I am not a weak person and beyond that I am such a people pleaser that I can put a brave face on just about anything. So when I tell you I was audibly wailing while they manually dilated my cervix enough to insert forceps to blindly grasp around my uterus, looking for the lost object. By the time they were done, I expected to be presented with a third child. I’ve thought a lot about that day in the time since. There were two women in that room with me and neither thought I should have been given so much as a topical anaesthetic. I wish I could go back and advocate for the woman I was but it’s certainly changed the woman I am today. I’m not sure if I did it because it was already so much pain that I wanted to get something out of it or if I wasn’t entirely in my right mind that day but I had another coil put in while I was there. Weeks later, my smear result came back positive for HPV - which my daughter thought was the same as HIV and so an unknown number of people have been given entirely inaccurate information about my health but that’s a story for another time. When you test positive for HPV, you need to come back for annual smears. It isn’t in and of itself a cause for concern and most people will carry it at some time in their lives but it is the primary cause of cervical cancer so they need to keep an eye on it. My mum screened cervical smears for 20 years so I grew up with the importance of this drilled in to me. You catch it early and you have your best chance of treating it. This brings me back to my shame. Remember when that nurse told me the reason the coil had gone missing was likely my smear? And remember how just popping to the hospital to go in and find it was actually HORRIFIC? Yeah, so didn’t go for those annual smears. I actually planned to have my husband have a vasectomy and my coil removed pretty rapidly but that hospital appointment was 4 days before we went in to national lockdown and I don’t know about you but I was a little distracted. So 5 years later, that’s done, the coil is no longer needed and I rock up at the doctors office, terrified that they will tell me it’s missing again but prepared and ready to get that very overdue smear ticked off the infinite to do list. The nurse I saw was so lovely. She said what had happened to me was barbaric and I could have cried then and there. What happened to me caused me to neglect my own health and carry shame about it for 5 years. Hopefully it will all be fine and no harm done but that nurse telling me what happened should not have happened allowed me to forgive myself for letting fear override what I knew I should be doing. I felt like a bad example to my daughter, I didn’t want to tell my Mum, I was scared. But I was scared because I - and so many women - was put in a position where I was expected to just accept a huge amount of pain. What I learned, and what I want you to take from this is that we can say no. Before I went in there today I was honestly not sure how confident I was in advocating for myself. I worried that if I were to be in the same situation again, I might just let them do it. I have a really hard time saying what I need and standing up to any kind of authority but I know now with absolute certainty that I was going to go to that hospital insisting on a complete spinal block. I know a man who is so afraid of the dentist that they put him to sleep for minor work to be done. I’m not saying he’s wrong, I’m saying men ask for what they need and they get it. If you can’t do it for yourself, take someone with you who will. Don’t allow fear to put off essential check ups like I did. Thankfully, she found the strings, whipped out the coil (ouch) and I’m sitting here with minor cramps and major relief. I don’t know how I feel about recommending the coil anymore. It’s still a fantastic option, apparently they can last for EIGHT years now and when they’re good, they’re really really good. But as with so many medical things, when something goes wrong, it’s scary. If I were 10 years younger and didn’t have to have annual smears, I’d probably still have another. Isn’t that insane? The worst pain I’ve ever experienced was to retreive this but I’d do it again? Is this what is is to be a woman? We’re so used to pain that we’d willingly put ourselves though it? I don’t know and I don’t have the energy to do those mental gymnastics today but it’s over for me. I’ll have my first regular periods just in time to start perimenopause so that will be interesting and something I’m sure we’ll talk more about here - excited? ALSO, one last thing. If you are terrified of having a smear, I mean you are just never going to go, get an at-home HPV test. The NHS no longer look at every single smear. If you don’t test positive for HPV, they don’t look at the cells under a microscope anymore. I’m not saying don’t go for your smear but if you are in that group who find it intolerable, get yourself an at home kit and have that be the minimum standard. At least then, if something comes up, you can go to the doctor and say ‘put me out! do what you need to do’ but you aren’t ignoring your reproductive health entirely. Whew! That was emotionally draining but something huge off my birthday bucket list and one step closer to starting my 40s in the best shape of my life inside and out. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

    17/03/2025

    •
    17 min

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