Desperately Seeking

Mikhila McDaid

Personal essays in voice-note form, from your friendly neighbourhood oversharer. What began as a birthday bucket list, counting down to 40, evolved in to an exploration of the idea we (especially women) give fewer f*cks as we age. Most recently renamed 'Desperately Seeking' to fall in line with my substack title and make it more easy to find on your chosen podcast player. mikhila.substack.com

  1. 7 Sept

    I wish I could start over.. and that’s my problem

    Today is the first day of the rest of my life. 21 years and 6 days ago, I had a baby. I was 19, I still lived at home, I’d had a full time job since I left school at 16 but I’d been nowhere, I’d done nothing. I hadn’t lived. I talk about the impact that having children so young had on me often. I sometimes think it’s a little much, but there’s nothing else that has shaped me in the same way. While I’ve never identified as a ‘mother’ - we’ll get to that later - I have always known that I can’t know who I’d have been had I not been one. Responsibilities of children change as they grow and as your own life changes. Jobs, schools, friends, each child is different and you are different with each child. The mother Ella had was practically a child herself, winging it in a totally different way to Milo’s. She barely knew how to take care of herself. She wanted to be good but she also, deeply, wanted to maintain her sense of self. By the time Milo came along, I was ready. I was excited. He was planned. I knew who I was and I wanted to be a mother as well. Some people could hear that and immediately judge me, and that’s fine. We all live differently, with different priorities. I just always felt that I had to retain the core part of myself in any relationship (including the one with my kids) in order to avoid any resentment down the line. I give pieces of myself to other people and I lend others, but I need to hold on to the woman who can exist alone. We’ve talked about this before, I know, and there’s a good chance that’s rooted in fear. I want to always be okay alone.. is that because I’m afraid of being abandoned? Never get too attached and you wont get hurt? Oof.. that’s a bit much for today, but I mention it to make very clear, this is not me saying I know best or I have it sussed, it’s the way I’ve always been and the why I’ve recognised in later life. Last week my eldest and only daughter turned 21 and my son started taking the bus home from school. This week, my husband decided he’s going to take him to school on a Monday morning. These are all inconsequential happenings on their own, but together? I realised that today is the first time since I was 19 that I have nobody to answer to and absolute no responsibilities. No work, no school run, no football training, no making sure I’m available. Nobody needs me today. Nobody will need me on Mondays for the foreseeable future. This is the first day of the rest of my life. When I started this podcast, it was probably the 6th or 7th I’d tried. Others failed for multiple reasons, most of which involved the needing of other people to record with. The secondary reason was always my desire to start over once something changes. Today’s episode is number EIGHTY and nobody is more shocked than me, but I’ve had this little niggle over the past few weeks. I’ve been inconsistent and generally rubbish online this summer. I’ve spread myself too thin, I’ve had too many ideas, started too many other projects, totally lost all focus and routine. I know we’ve discussed this, the medication, all of the reasons this may have come to be, but none of that helps that feeling I have that I should scrap it all and start over. I’ve lost my way, what is even the point of this show? Why would anyone listen? And some people PAY to hear the bonus episodes, THAT is utter madness. This has no value, but I could make it better.. let’s just start over. It will be better next time. I’ve had this feeling countless times about YouTube over the years. I think at my last count I had 5 (maybe 6?) channels I still upload to, as well as historic ones that are no longer public. I did the same thing with blogs, I just want a fresh start. Everything will be solved when I start the new ..but it never is. If you’re struggling, packing in and starting over is rarely the solution. Taking what you’ve earned and locking in to improve what you already have is almost always better.. it’s just messy isn’t it? And people can see where you’ve been. Isn’t it nicer when you have a clean slate and people only get to see the polished version? That’s how it feels in my head, but as a consumer of content and an experiencer of people, no. I want to see your scars, I want to hear your struggles. Perfect is BORING. How does this have anything to do with my first responsibility free day? you ask. Well, I had SUCH high hopes for it. I went to bed last night thinking of all of the ways in which Monday’s would be great. I will have an amazing routine and finally get back on track. I’ll have time to learn new things and focus for longer stretches. There was nothing I wouldn’t be able to achieve now I had these new ‘freedom Monday’s’ to with as I wished. First of all, I slept in til 9.30, I’d barely slept over the weekend and it was just too tempting to snooze, snooze and snooze again when there was no real reason not to. Then I decided to pick up where I left yesterday, trying to fix and set up my Grandma’s old sewing machine. Great, right? Exactly what freedom Monday’s were made for. By 2pm I was frustrated, hungry, had a headache and had accomplished nothing. Not only had I wasted the majority of this special day, but it was the FIRST one. It’s like making a mess of the first page of a new diary. I wanted to throw it our and start again. I wanted the alarm to go off at 6.50 and to spring out of bed. I wanted a do-over. I can’t get today back. It’s THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE! There wont be another one. This was supposed to be monumental and I ruined it on a totally unnecessary hyper-fixation that, not only didn’t pay off, left me with an even bigger pile of to do’s for tomorrow and now I feel terrible. May as well throw the diary out because that first page will bother me forever. I sat down, ready to ruminate over the various things I should have done with the day, when I remembered I had promised to get back in to the Monday/Wednesday routine over here. I pulled out my laptop, trying to think of something to write when it occurred to me.. this podcast has been my, ‘don’t start over’ exposure therapy. It’s been a few different things since it’s conception, but I’m still here, talking about whatever I feel like and I have pushed down every urge to scrap it and start again. It’s been renamed, it’s had new logos, I’m doing away with the weekly art work changes (they’re just too time consuming) and every cell in my body says, ‘start again!! it’s a mess! Decide on a format and DO IT BETTER THIS TIME’ but I haven’t. The episodes are all still live. You can go back and listen to the evolution of the show and, maybe it’s embarrassing, but that’s what happened. It was something else and now it’s this.. just like me. I was something else and now I’m me.. I can’t erase my past and my experiences and I wouldn’t want to. LIFE isn’t polished. It’s messy, and I think we all enjoy that, don’t we? My life has been nothing like I’d have written, could I have planned it out ahead of time. I wouldn’t have chosen teen pregnancy, I wouldn’t have chosen divorce - but I did when they each presented themselves as the right things in the moment, and I wouldn’t go back and change anything. At 40, the idea of eradicating every mention of me from the internet and starting over sounds idyllic. A lot of people out there see me as erratic and odd because they’ve seen 16 years of my life online, but a lot of others have been with me on the journey and I feel like I know you. Part of the ride is the mistakes and what we learn. So, today wasn’t what I wanted it to be. I can’t change that, I might not even learn from it, but I can definitely control how much I let it bother me. I encourage you to open a new notebook and scribble on the first page. Keep it there as a reminder that it has absolutely no impact on the pages ahead of you. I’m going to spend the rest of my day working on things I didn’t get to earlier and making a plan for tomorrow. Maybe I’ll even get back to the sewing machine I’m convinced I’ll never conquer.. but they are all options I have because my life is changing, the freedom I was promised I’d have in my 40s is finally here and while that makes me a little bit (and unexpectedly) emotional, it really means I only have more of these days for myself to come.. Thanks for reading, I promise I’m back on form now.. I’ll speak to my paid substack members on Wednesday and the rest of you, I’ll be back next Monday.. because now that day is mine. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

  2. 19 Aug

    The Rise and Fall of Consumer AI

    When Chat GPT first popped in to my world I thought it was magic. I’m a creative person with a million ideas but I’m often bogged down in the admin of running creative businesses and find myself with less and less time to actually create. This was a tool that allowed me to outsource the boring stuff. I could feed it masses of data and ask it to summarise what would take me hours of research and learning, in seconds. The answer to my prayers. I fed it information about my candle business, my youtube channels, I let it help me with SEO, titles, even (shamefully) copy for our online shop. The minutia of running e-commerce and the never-ending algorithmic changes of social media could be given to this robot and I could get on with the projects gathering dust at the bottom of my to-do list. We’d all been living in fear of this ‘AI’ future but, if this was it, it seemed pretty great to me! Then came the posters. I’m not sure when it happened, but didn’t it feel like overnight? One day I opened instagram to a sea of AI generated graphics. I wrote it off as a trend, like the snapchat filters. They all looked the same so it wouldn’t be long before people got bored. Not only did they not go away, they became videos. Then came the data centres. I say that as if they hadn’t been there all along, but we didn’t know. The average consumer did not know. Suddenly there were people posting videos of looming warehouses on the edge of residential streets, there were statistics about water consumption and the impact on the environment. This was spun in to, ‘don’t say please and thank you to Chat GPT’. It seemed other-worldly.. unreal. Not real, in fact. This is where I draw a parallel with smoking and sun beds - stick with me - Warning the public about health risks isn’t enough to stop them from participating in something they enjoy. A photo of diseased lungs on a cigarette packet never stopped a smoker lighting up. A sign outside a tanning shop, warning about the dangers of skin cancer, isn’t enough to stop them walking through the door. Threats to the environment have never been enough to trigger change in the average consumer. We’re a vain species. I’ve always said, the photos on the cigarette packet should be cosmetic. ‘You will age X times faster if you Y’ would be far more effective that, ‘this could kill you.’ I’m not defending it, but that’s who we are. Humans care about how we are seen. This is why the biggest shift in AI consumption will be led by SHAME. Don’t get me wrong, AI is booming. The number of people using it in their daily lives, let alone for work, is growing all the time. It’s far from dying a death.. but admitting you’re using AI is losing its appeal rapidly. As with everything these days, you must be either for or against. There’s no room for grey. You’re team blue or team red and team blue must never befriend team red, lest you be ousted from your gang forever. As is also true, of this all or nothing modern mentality, this isn’t a reasonable stance. You cannot put the genie back in the bottle and so much of what we’ve used for years, is powered by some kind of AI. As someone who enjoys learning new skills and is a creator at her core, a little bit of me dies every time I see AI ‘art’ being proudly displayed by a business. ‘Surely it’s not that hard to learn basic Canva’, I think to myself. But who am I to judge, when I did exactly the same thing with data analysis, anything relating to numbers, and even work (like copy) that I was entirely capable of doing myself. Because I wasn’t using generative AI, I convinced myself that I was above it, but I’m not. It just so happens that my strengths lie in the visual, so I was never tempted to ask it to make me an image I knew I could make for myself. Someone with no creative spark is using this tool in the same way I was, to supplement natural talent and interest and streamline something that would have taken them a long time to produce. I recently started a new business, yet to launch, and the fresh instagram feed I have over there has been eye opening. I have access to multiple accounts with different themes and I’ve interacted with different posts on each, intentionally curating the spaces. The accounts with business/creative themes are attracting SO many anti-AI posts. It feels like more than 50% of the feed is ‘if your event poster is AI, I’m not coming’ and artists showing literal cut and paste, mixed media signage, to combat the trend for computer generated everything. On some accounts I see nothing about AI. My husband shows me a video at least once a day that he doesn’t know is AI. I have friends who use AI for everything and friends who wouldn’t know what Chat GPT was if you put it in front of them. In your own bubble, things feel very loud and you assume that everyone is hearing this same noise, but we’re living in totally different online worlds. For me, the masses of, ‘I think less of you if you use AI’ had an immediate impact. Even as an individual, perception is important to me, but as a business? It’s everything. If your visuals flag as AI to customers who live in that same bubble, it’s over before it began. You may be safe with your regulars who don’t care much or aren’t chronically online, but you could be deterring a whole new audience with that first impression, in exchange for the time it would have taken to make your own image. Once the public shaming is a mainstream message, I truly believe that that will be the downfall of generative AI. I have never known something turn so quickly on its heels as this. From, ‘everyone use AI, it’s fantastic.’ to ‘I was wrong, don’t use AI’ from the same creators. And, for the most part, it was because they didn’t want to be seen as people who used something that is being criticised en mass. It’s not altruistic, it’s not because they want to save the earth, it’s because they want to save themselves. Once the visual trends started, I started to see the patterns in captions too. These posters all looked the same.. but then so did every infographic, every YouTube title, every listicle. There was a specific Chat GPT tone that was hard to ignore. I realised that every question I asked, it told me I was a genius. Nobody had every had such an amazing idea, I was sure to be a runaway success. It’s like a ever-positive magic 8 ball. You shout in to the void, ‘am I wrong’ and a voice bounces back, ‘NEVER’. It’s not a helpful resource, it’s a useless sounding board that will always tell you what you want to hear. It’s an algorithm, just like every other platform, designed to keep you coming back, feeding it, helping it to learn from your every waking thought and question. The more we ask, the more it understands.. the scarier it becomes. I’m not going to lie to you and pretend that one day I closed Chat GPT forever and never looked back. I didn’t. I still use it. It’s not going away and the use-case for data analysis just can’t be argued against. I can give it 10 years of data and it can instantly pick out what I need to know. Does that put me in team red or team blue? I don’t think either would claim me. I don’t like AI generated images. They are stealing work from real, human artists and they’re duping people who don’t know better. AI creative writing is equally terrible in every possible way, but grammar tools? graphic design software that helps smooth and polish human creations? There’s a lot of grey. Here’s something that fills me with hope, in a world that feels like it’s being taken over by robots. I am contacted multiple times a week by companies who have started AI apps that help you run a business. They’re looking for creators to promote these services. In the same way every sponsorship goes, they offer money for me to endorse something, lending my social capital for a moment, to convince you that this thing is worth your time and money. AI cannot sell you something. People buy from people. If AI was all powerful, why do they need me to convince you to use it? I have noticed people arguing with AI creators in instagram comments recently, which is kind of hilarious. They’re marked as an ‘AI creator’ ,right next to their name, but I don’t think everyone spots that. These accounts are a little terrifying because they’re obviously trying to create something that does replace their need for us.. but they can’t. There’s an uncanny valley element to anything computer generated that looks so close to human but isn’t. People will become more savvy, spot them more quickly and, as if influencer trust wasn’t already at an all time low, they will just cease to believe anything they see online, let alone be sold to. The perception of AI is mostly negative, but the tools they offer are intoxicating. People look past the photo of the diseased lungs, to take out the cigarette, because it’s just too tempting. They know they shouldn’t but they put in the prompt and ask for the image because it’s just too easy. The only thing that will get in the way of that temptation is knowing that opening that box will make you uglier. People will see you differently, your image will be tarnished and all you have to do to rehabilitate it is STOP USING GENERATIVE AI. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

    The Rise and Fall of Consumer AI

About

Personal essays in voice-note form, from your friendly neighbourhood oversharer. What began as a birthday bucket list, counting down to 40, evolved in to an exploration of the idea we (especially women) give fewer f*cks as we age. Most recently renamed 'Desperately Seeking' to fall in line with my substack title and make it more easy to find on your chosen podcast player. mikhila.substack.com