In this episode of Top Self, Shanenn sits down with physician and author Dr. Frank Spinelli to talk about shame, why it can become so deeply tied to jealousy and insecurity, and how one triggering moment can quickly turn into a spiral. You get triggered. You check the phone, withdraw, accuse, react, or do something you later regret. Then comes the second layer: “Why did I do that?” “What’s wrong with me?” “Why am I like this?” That’s where shame can take over. Dr. Spinelli explains the difference between guilt and shame, why old wounds can shape the way we interpret what is happening in the present, and how the voice in our head can become the most damaging part of the cycle. He also shares the framework behind his book, The Shame Compass: A Radical Framework for Trauma Healing and Self-Acceptance, and explains why shame may not be something we simply “get over.” Instead, it can become information that helps us understand what is being activated, where it may be coming from, and how we can respond differently. Key Moments • The difference between guilt and shame • Why shame can become a belief about who you are, not just something you did • How past trauma and painful experiences can get replayed in present relationships • Why the voice in your head can become an unreliable narrator • The difference between having a thought and treating that thought as a fact • Why practicing the pause outside of triggering moments can help you respond differently when emotions are high • How shame can turn jealousy into a loop of checking, reacting, judging yourself, and repeating the behavior • Why the most damaging part of the spiral may be what you tell yourself after the trigger • The COMPASS framework and how Dr. Spinelli uses it to help people understand shame • Why acceptance does not mean excusing, minimizing, or pretending something didn’t happen • How core values can help you understand when shame is pointing to something that feels out of alignment • The areas where women often experience shame, including body image, motherhood, fertility, sexuality, aging, career ambition, and relationship status Golden Episode Nuggets 💎 Guilt says, “I did something wrong.” Shame says, “I am wrong.” 💎 A thought is not automatically a fact just because it showed up in your mind. 💎 The trigger may start the reaction, but shame can keep the cycle going. 💎 The story you tell yourself after you react can be more damaging than the reaction itself. 💎 Practicing the pause when you are calm makes it easier to access when you are triggered. 💎 Sometimes we bring old wounds into current relationships and unconsciously try to get a different ending. 💎 Shame does not always need to disappear before you can move forward. 💎 Shame can be information about what is being activated, what story you are telling yourself, and what needs your attention. About Our Guest Dr. Frank Spinelli is a physician, author, speaker, and advocate whose work explores trauma, shame, addiction, and emotional health. Drawing from both his professional experience and his personal history as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, Dr. Spinelli developed the COMPASS framework to help people better understand and navigate shame. His book, The Shame Compass: A Radical Framework for Trauma Healing and Self-Acceptance, explores how shame can be recognized, understood, and used as information rather than treated as proof that something is fundamentally wrong with you. Schedule your FREE Discovery Call to see how I can help. Check us out on YouTube and make sure to subscribe Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment, Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.
