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21/10/2021

Who Are High Conflict People?

In today’s episode, we look at what makes up a high conflict person and talk about EAR Statements. Blamers. Narcissists. Accusers. Ragers. These are all people who may fall into the category of High Conflict Personality. Most of us don’t act this way, but these people don’t often realize they’re acting this way and can’t control themselves. So should you engage? Or should you learn how to deal with them? If you guessed the latter, you’d be right. Many people say these people are unpredictable, but Megan and Bill talk about how these people actually are very predictable... if you know what to look for. Several things can lead to people becoming HCPs. It could be genetic or could come from how they were raised. And because of this, HCPs can exist anywhere in the world. So how do you deal with them? Well, the first step is learning to identify them. They will usually blame anyone but themselves, and they’ll never be able to connect the dots back to themselves. They rarely take responsibility for their own actions. But the feelings are so strongly in them that they can’t have their mind changed. Once you realize you’re dealing with an HCP, definitely don’t tell them they’re an HCP. It’s likely going to trigger them further. If you’re in a situation with an HCP, try an EAR Statement. Empathy. Attention Respect. These tools may seem opposite to how you’d normally deal with a person who is confronting you, but remember, you’re not an HCP. The HCP needs this so you can get out of the situation you’re in. It’s hard, but give it a try. We’d love to hear your stories so we can talk through them on the show! Please visit our site and click the Submit a Question button at the top of the page. You can also send us an email at podcast@highconflictinstitute.com or send us a note on any of our socials. Please rate, review and share this show! Links & Other Notes Submit a Question for Bill and MeganArticle – ‘What is a High Conflict Individual’Article – ‘Calming Upset People Fast with an EAR Statement™’Online course for attorneys/judges – Understanding & Managing High Conflict People in Legal DisputesOnline course for anyone – Calming Upset People with an EAR StatementOnline Course: Who Are High Conflict People?Book: 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeBook: Calming Upset People with EARAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at highconflictinstitute.com/podcast as well. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:41) - What is a High Conflict Person? (05:28) - Why and How are HCPs Different? (08:48) - Why Are They Like This and Why Don't They Change? (12:43) - Why They Blame (15:24) - How to Deal With HCPs (20:16) - Getting Hooked (24:09) - Breaking Down Megan's Story (27:44) - Using EAR Statements (32:13) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: BIFF Response

21/10/2021

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34 min
Season 1, Episode 1 Trailer

Welcome to It’s All Your Fault!

Welcome to It’s All Your Fault, the show about dealing with the High Conflict People in your life. The first episode drops in two weeks so subscribe now so you don’t miss any episode when they release! Episodes drop every Thursday during the season. We’ll be talking about all aspects of dealing with HCPs in your life, and we welcome questions! Please submit questions at our site using the link below. We just may be answering your question in an upcoming episode. Links & Other Notes Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at highconflictinstitute.com/podcast as well. (00:00) - Chapter 2

Season 1, Episode 1 Trailer

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2 min
25 Jun

From Reacting to Responding: High Conflict at Work, Part 3 of 4

High conflict behavior doesn't just disrupt your team—it follows leaders home, costs organizations hundreds of thousands of dollars, and gets worse when managers react without a plan. The question Part 3 of this four-part workplace series answers is the one every leader eventually faces: once you know conflict is in the room, what do you actually do? Bill Eddy, LCSW, JD, and Megan Hunter, MBA, co-founders of the High Conflict Institute in Scottsdale, Arizona, are joined again by Michael Lomax, JD, lawyer, mediator, and HCI speaker and trainer. Together they walk through the BIFF response for hostile emails and verbal exchanges, EAR statements for de-escalating in the moment, the CARS method—Connect, Analyze, Respond, Set Limits—for structuring any high conflict conversation, and New Ways for Work® coaching as a measurable alternative to suspension. Whether you're managing a difficult employee, caught between HR and your team, or working under a difficult boss, these are the tools that shift the dynamic without making things worse. It's All Your Fault is produced by TruStory FM. Full Show Notes & Resources Submit Questions | Bookstore | Website Watch this episode on YouTube Important Notice: Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (02:02) - Why Smart People Get Drawn Into These Conflicts (08:00) - BIFF Method (12:46) - Other Ways It’s Applied (17:20) - CARS Method (25:50) - What If It's the Boss? (29:11) - Solutions and Methods of Application (39:37) - Wrap Up

25 Jun

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41 min
11 Jun

What It Means to Be “Good Enough” With ADHD

"Good enough" is a phrase that can land like permission or like an accusation — and for ADHD brains that have spent a lifetime being told we're not trying hard enough, both feelings often arrive at once. This week, we're untangling that knot. Why does a phrase meant to release us so often feel like settling? Why does the ADHD brain hear "good enough" and translate it into "not enough"? And what would it actually take to reclaim the phrase as our own? This is really all about intention — the difference between walking away from something because you've been defeated by it, and walking away because you've made a choice. One leaves you smaller. The other builds something. We talk about the standards we measure ourselves against (almost always invented), the freeze that comes when nothing feels possible, and the small, almost invisible acts that count as progress even when they don't feel like it. By the end, we land somewhere unexpectedly tender: a reminder that the way we build trust with ourselves isn't by finishing things perfectly. It's by finishing them at all. There's a free download this week — five questions to help you decide what's good enough — linked below. Links & Notes Download the What Does It Mean to be Good Enough? Worksheet!Support the Show on PatreonDig into the podcast Shownotes Database (00:00) - Welcome to Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast (01:25) - Patreon.com/theadhdpodcast (02:56) - What does it mean to be good enough? (21:51) - How do you know it's good enough? ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

11 Jun

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25 min
19 Jan

"I Might Knock": Heated Rivalry... the Show We Can't Stop Watching

Look, if you had told me six months ago that a Canadian hockey romance would become the most culturally significant television event since—actually, I don't have a comparison because NOTHING prepares you for Heated Rivalry. This is a movement. And based on Mandy's conversation with returning guest Jon Cassie (of MMAN Severance fame, but more importantly, of Heated Rivalry obsession fame), we might need to start building temples.Here's what Jon makes clear: this show kicks down the door in the first twelve minutes with full nudity, graphic intimacy, AND a deeply moving love story—all at once. Created by Crave Media (a Canadian company that rejected HBO's ridiculous notes about "saving steaminess for season two"), the series follows rivals Shane Hollander and Ilya Rosanoff through a decade-spanning secret relationship. Mandy, who wanted "some conversation before all the effing," eventually gets her Hepburn-Tracy wit in exchanges like "I might knock" / "I might open." The show delivers both physical chemistry and intellectual connection, launching four legendary careers while giving audiences a complete, satisfying journey.Jon hasn't been "swept away obsessively by a show in decades"—and he's watched this one multiple times. That's the power of Hudson Williams and Connor Finley's chemistry, the devastating beauty of feet touching under tables, and a show that respects its audience enough to be exactly what it set out to be. Heated Rivalry isn't just good queer television. It's exceptional television, period. --- Learn more about supporting this podcast by becoming a member. It's just $5/month or $55/year. Visit our website to learn more.

19 Jan

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1hr 3min
18 Jun

Rewriting the Rules You Inherited About Worth

There's a rule most of us signed before we could read it. It decides whether we're worth anything, and it tends to set the same terms for everyone who carries an ADHD brain: you're valuable if you perform, if you keep every plate spinning, if you never let anyone down. Live under that contract long enough and it stops feeling like a belief and starts feeling like a fact — written, as the metaphor goes this week, in permanent ink. Where did the rule come from? Often from the earliest lessons — the pulled-out-of-class, extra-time, here-are-your-accommodations lessons that were meant to level the field but landed as proof you were different. The gap they leave behind doesn't shrink with age. There's research suggesting it widens. The assumption that everyone else has this figured out turns out to be the lie that keeps the rule in place. Links & Notes Support the Show on PatreonDig into the podcast Shownotes Database (00:00) - Welcome to Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast (01:17) - Join the Patreon! (03:13) - Rewriting Rules ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

18 Jun

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31 min
29/12/2022

Times of High Risk: The Most Dangerous Times with HCPs

People with high conflict personalities have strong unconscious fears that are easily triggered: abandonment; humiliation, being dominated; ignored; and other major losses. When triggered, this is a greater concern with high conflict people than with the average person. In this episode, Bill and Megan discuss: the types of losses that can trigger high risk:divorcenew relationship partnerjob terminationevictionneighbor disputeother losseswhether these are predictable how to be awarehow to protect yourself and handle:divorce situations when delivering bad news or other big changesworkplace situations, especially when disciplining or terminating someone’s employmentneighborhood/homeowner’s or condo association meetings Links & Other Notes BOOKSSplitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality DisorderBIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media MeltdownsBIFF at Work: Your Guide to Difficult Workplace Communication: Your Guide to Difficult Workplace CommunicationCalming Upset People with EAROur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/ Submit a Question for Bill and Megan All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books. You can also find these show notes at our site as well. Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (00:34) - Times of High Risk (01:25) - Why a Greater Concern with HCPs? (05:17) - Unconscious Reactions (08:09) - HOA Example (14:05) - Settings (16:30) - Divorce Examples (23:46) - Times of High Risk (26:27) - In the Workplace (28:32) - Success Story (30:42) - Last Thoughts (31:55) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Confirmation Bias

29/12/2022

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34 min
23/10/2025

Future You is Counting On You with James Ochoa

We love to say it: “Your future self will thank you.” It’s a mantra for hopeful planning, a reminder that the effort you put in now will pay off later. But for people with ADHD, that phrase can land like a challenge you keep failing to meet — because the gap between Now You and Future You can feel impossibly wide. This week, we welcome back our friend James Ochoa, licensed professional counselor, author of Focused Forward, and creator of the new reflective tool 11Q Your ADHD. Together, we’re digging into what makes long-term planning feel so fraught for ADHD brains — and how we can reconnect with the version of ourselves we’re trying to help. We’ll talk about the emotional weight of goal-setting, how perfectionism sabotages progress, and why redefining responsibility as self-support — not pressure — changes everything. James highlights how planning isn’t about control or productivity; it’s about compassion. When you treat “future you” like someone worth caring for, you create the emotional safety that makes real progress possible. We also explore practical scaffolding: tools, community, and systems that “have your back” when motivation dips — because ADHD management isn’t a solo project. Whether you’re learning to forgive past missteps or just trying to make tomorrow a little easier, this conversation will help you find hope and grace in the small choices that compound over time. And stay tuned — James introduces his new project, 11Q Your ADHD, a reflective experience designed to help you strengthen your internal guidance system and cultivate a kinder, more curious relationship with yourself. Future You isn’t a stranger. They’re someone you can start taking care of — today. Links & Notes 11Q Your ADHD - Free Vision Exercise | James OchoaSupport the Show on PatreonDig into the podcast Shownotes Database (00:00) - Welcome to Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast (00:59) - Support the Show at Patreon.com/theadhdpodcast (01:43) - Unapologetically ADHD is OUT! (02:54) - Introducing James Ochoa (05:13) - Visualizing Your Future Self (16:06) - A Sidebar on Trust (38:19) - 11Q Your ADHD ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

23/10/2025

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49 min
7 May

What to Look For in a Planning Tool

There's a moment every ADHDer knows: you open the task manager, see the sea of red, and close it again. This week, Nikki and Pete sit with that moment — and with what it's actually telling you. The instinct is to blame the tool. Something's wrong with the app, the planner, the notebook. Time for something new. But what if the tool is doing exactly what it's supposed to do, and the thing you're really avoiding is something else entirely? Nikki walks through the two non-negotiables of any planning toolkit, why hybrid systems quietly fall apart in the in-between stages, and the one thing she asks every new one-on-one client to do within a week. Pete confesses to running four systems at once, lays out his tool-finding intestines on the table (his words, not ours), and makes the case for why your app isn't just an app — it's a lifeline. Plus: FOBO, task rot, the moral weight of a few simple minutes, and why the best tools are the ones that ask you to pay for them. Stick around for Nikki's brand-new download, Your Planning Tool Finder — a short guide to the questions worth answering before you pick your next tool. Link below. Links & Notes Your Planning Tool Finder (free download)Unapologetically ADHD by Pete Wright and Nikki Kinzer — the book behind the frameworkGPS Planning Membership — Nikki's coaching community for planning, capture, and workflowSupport the show on Patreon — early ad-free episodes, livestream recordings, members-only Discord: (00:00) - Welcome to Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast (01:44) - Patreon.com/TheADHDPodcast (02:34) - Talking Tools ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

7 May

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36 min
28 May

Why Advice Stops Working When You’re Tired

We've all been there: someone offers a perfectly reasonable suggestion, and instead of taking it in, you bristle. You're tired. You're cranky. The last thing you want is advice. This week, Pete and Nikki tackle what happens when ADHD meets fatigue — and why the strategies that usually work suddenly don't. This isn't laziness. It isn't a character flaw. It's what happens when executive functions are already running on a deficit and you pile fatigue on top. Pete brings the research, including a study showing 62% of adults with ADHD meet the criteria for chronic fatigue syndrome — a reminder that "everybody gets tired" is true, but ADHD brains get tired in a different and vastly more significant way. The conversation moves from the science to the lived experience: the guilt loop that keeps you from resting, the way fatigue distorts reality until small tasks feel like moral referendums, and the rewiring required to treat recovery as part of the work — not a reward you have to earn. Plus: why "I don't wanna" might be a capacity check in disguise, the four categories of recovery that actually work (hint: sleep is only one of them), and Nikki's insight that the recovery muscle is built through trial and error, not advance planning. LINKS & RESOURCES Past episode referenced: The Opportunity CostPast episode referenced: Capacity conversation with Brooke SchnittmanSupport the Show on PatreonDig into the podcast Shownotes Database (00:00) - Welcome to Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast (03:10) - The Tired Problem ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

28 May

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26 min

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