Lights On with Carl Lentz

B-Side

Lights On with Carl Lentz is exactly what this show is. Carl Lentz is turning on the lights in his own life, & giving people space to do the same. We will lead with vulnerability, & have open conversations to bring light to the inner darkness in our lives. Turn on the lights with us!

  1. hace 3 días

    How to stop being lonely in your marriage

    Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com You can be married and still lonely. In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura get honest about one of the most under-talked-about realities in relationships: sitting next to someone every night and still feeling completely alone. If that sounds familiar, this one is for you. Carl and Laura walk through three real listener questions that get to the heart of connection: the wife wondering if she's asking for too much when her husband is a great provider and dad, the man realizing fifteen years in that he doesn't actually know his wife anymore, and the couple caught in patterns from Gottman's Four Horsemen without knowing they were doing it. Together, they unpack why "we fell out of love" is almost never the truth, and what's actually happening underneath it. You'll hear Laura get direct about the invisible weight women carry inside a lonely marriage, and the three questions every spouse should be asking themselves before asking anything of their partner. Carl gets blunt with the men: providing and protecting is the baseline, not the bar. He walks through the 4 D framework (decide, discover, design, delight) that changed how they show up for each other, why you have to win her every day instead of assuming you already have, and the shift that made intentional love feel less like effort and more like fuel. Stay for the line worth writing down: hysterical fights point to historical hurt, the reminder that clarity is kindness, and the reframe that just might rescue your marriage from autopilot. You don't fall out of love. You fall out of focus. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ Chapters: 0:45 - Welcome to Lights On 1:19 - Laura's Double Ear Infection 5:13 - Subscribe & Fan Mail 5:39 - Connected vs. Lonely Marriage 6:33 - Why Connection Means Better Fights 7:37 - This Week's Fight & Fast Repair 10:46 - God Behind Bars 11:27 - Fast Repair Equals Real Connection 13:50 - Introducing the Lonely Marriage 15:10 - How Men and Women Go Missing Differently 16:16 - Carrying the Invisible Load 17:48 - Being Lonely Is a Choice 18:32 - Q1: "Am I Asking for Too Much?" 19:57 - Providing Is the Baseline, Not the Bar 22:01 - Loneliness Isn't About Distance 23:57 - BetterHelp 24:59 - Three Questions to Get Clear on What You Need 26:39 - Vague Expectations Guarantee Disappointment 28:11 - Clarity Is Kindness 30:12 - Q2: The Four Horsemen 30:31 - Every Couple Fights Behind the Scenes 32:43 - Hysterical Fights Point to Historical Hurt 33:52 - Q3: "We Fell Out of Love" Is a Cop-Out 35:25 - Wonder Project 36:26 - You Feel What You Focus On 40:24 - The Honeymoon Season Always Ends 41:07 - The 4 D Framework 42:45 - Winning Her Every Day 46:02 - Policy Genius 47:42 - Discover, Design, Delight 53:04 - Attention, Not Perfection 54:09 - Hope Is Alive See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

    54 min

  2. 29 jun

    What Your Anger is Actually Trying to Tell You

    Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com A listener wrote in with a question almost every betrayed spouse eventually wrestles with: I have every right to be angry, but I can feel it turning me into someone I don't want to be. How do I let go of my anger without letting him off the hook? In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura take that question seriously and reframe one of the most misunderstood emotions in relationships. Anger isn't bad. Anger isn't just justified. Anger is information. And what most people are really fighting isn't the anger itself, it's the way unmanaged anger quietly turns into contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The kind that destroys homes long after the original wound stops bleeding. You'll hear Laura get honest about the anger she's still navigating six years later, the grief underneath it, and why an angry version of her was never going to lead anywhere good. Carl gets blunt with the men: a real man who has done what he's done keeps the hook in himself for life, so anyone afraid of "letting him off the hook" is fearing the wrong thing. He walks through the basketball blowup that woke him up to his own anger, the friends he was actually grieving, not raging at, and the shift from who am I angry at to what am I angry about that changes the entire conversation. Stay for the three options every angry person quietly chooses between (manage it, suppress it, heal it), the smoke and fire metaphor that reframes the whole journey, and the one-line journaling exercise that will start to surface what your anger is actually sitting on top of. Whether you're carrying anger from betrayal, friendship loss, or just years of unspoken hurt, this episode is built to help you stop fighting the smoke and start finding the fire. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ Chapters: 2:40 - Hobby Lobby Story 4:54 - When Anger Is Trying to Help You 8:12 - The Listener Question 9:19 - Ad: God Behind Bars 9:52 - Laura's Anger Journey After Betrayal 17:16 - Anger Isn't Bad or Justified. It's Information. 21:14 - Who Are You Angry At vs. What Are You Angry About 24:08 - What Righteous Anger Actually Looks Like 26:31 - Ad: BetterHelp 29:29 - What's Your Anger Sitting On Top Of? 32:03 - Why Men Struggle to Get Under Their Anger 32:48 - Carl: The Basketball Blowup 35:27 - Carl: The Friends I Was Actually Grieving 38:34 - Ad: Wonder Project 38:51 - Refuse to Let It Become Who You Are 40:36 - Option 1: Manage It 42:07 - Option 2: Suppress It 43:45 - Option 3: Heal It 45:59 - Manager vs. Suppressor: Our Anger Styles 48:00 - Honesty Over "Fixing" in Marriage 51:10 - Ad: Policy Genius 51:33 - The Journaling Exercise 53:41 - Closing Challenge See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

    57 min

  3. 22 jun

    The two decisions every couple has to make after betrayal

    Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com After last week's episode reframing the most asked question in betrayal recovery, Carl and Laura pick up exactly where they left off. In this episode of Lights On, they introduce what they call the two decision reality: the framework that quietly carried them out of the valley and into the marriage they have now. Most couples think they have one decision to make after betrayal. Stay or leave. Carl and Laura make the case for two. Decision one: will I become healthy? Decision two: what do I want to do with this marriage? And the reason so many couples stay stuck is because they're trying to answer the second question while completely ignoring the first. You'll hear why making a marriage decision in the aftermath of betrayal is like driving drunk, like grocery shopping while starving, like reading a compass during an earthquake. Why trauma, anger, desperation, fear, and shame are the worst decision-makers in the room, and why slowing down isn't weakness. It's wisdom. Laura speaks to the women still trying to hold a family together with a shattered nervous system, and the kids who need a healed parent more than they need an immediate answer. Carl gets direct with the men: much of the marriage decision may no longer belong to you, but the decision to get healthy still does. And he walks through the questions every betrayer has to sit with before claiming they've actually changed. Stay for the next 90 days challenge, the difference between remorse and recovery, and the line that should settle every man wondering what to do while he waits: building yourself with hope and faith is the only thing that's actually yours to do. This is part two of a multi-part conversation. Next week, Carl and Laura get into the real cost of staying. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ Chapters: 0:49 - Welcome Back 1:27 - Last Week's Recap 3:04 - The Hardest Choice Isn't Staying or Leaving 4:25 - The Two Decision Reality (Decision #1) 5:39 - God Behind Bars 6:18 - Decision #2: What Do I Do With This Marriage? 7:18 - You Shouldn't Be Driving Right Now 8:53 - Why Trauma Shouldn't Make the Call 10:52 - Grocery Shopping While Starving 12:13 - Healthy Enough, Not Perfect 13:02 - Better Questions to Ask Yourself 14:16 - The Next 90 Days Challenge 14:38 - First Steps: Therapy and Recovery Groups 15:16 - The Power of Telling the Truth 16:33 - BetterHelp 17:36 - Decide Your Healing Matters 18:16 - What Your Kids Actually Need 19:50 - Carl: My Daughter's Delayed Pain 23:03 - Wonder Project 24:07 - The Goal Is Becoming Healthy 24:42 - To the Spouse Who Broke Trust 27:04 - Questions for Radical Honesty 28:02 - Policy Genius 29:32 - More Questions: Outcome, Identity, Change 31:20 - Image, Remorse, and Recovery 33:10 - Where This Leaves You See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

    34 min

  4. 15 jun

    Should I stay or should I leave? (You're asking the wrong question)

    Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com After betrayal, almost every couple lands on the same question: should I stay or should I leave? In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura make the case that this is the wrong question, and the rush to answer it is one of the most damaging moves a couple can make in the aftermath of infidelity. Drawing from their own season in the valley, Carl and Laura get into why urgency is not wisdom, why most of what people call certainty after betrayal is really just desperation looking for relief, and why two unhealthy people making any decision (stay or leave) will end up carrying the same wound into whatever comes next. They explain why the first mission is not the marriage. The first mission is health. You'll hear Carl get blunt about the level of breakdown a man has to be in to break his vows, and why "I made a mistake" misses the whole road that led there. Laura speaks directly to the wives wondering if they should be alarmed at how quickly forgiveness is being asked for, the friendships that ended because she didn't leave, and why she still says space (legal or not) is almost always the right move. Together, they introduce the better questions, the ones nobody wants to ask first but everyone eventually needs to: am I safe, am I getting real help, am I confident I have the whole truth, and what would becoming healthier actually look like for me in the next 90 days? Stay for the line that may flip everything for you: unhealthy people can stay and unhealthy people can leave. Neither decision guarantees healing. The decision itself is not the cure. This is part one of a multi-part conversation. The next episode picks up where this one leaves off. Bring your questions. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ Chapters: 0:38 - Welcome 1:42 - The Real First Question After Betrayal 3:00 - Why "Stay or Leave" Is the Wrong Question 3:39 - Laura: The Hardest Choice Is Getting Healthy 4:31 - The Pressure to Decide Now 6:14 - God Behind Bars 6:56 - The Obsession With the Marriage Itself 7:41 - Unhealthy People Can Stay or Leave 8:28 - The Decision Itself Is Not the Cure 8:47 - Laura: What You Carry If You Leave Unhealed 9:45 - Carl: What You Carry If You Stay Unhealed 10:37 - Betrayal Gets to Hurt You Twice 10:59 - Going Through It Isn't the Same as Overcoming It 11:30 - Laura: We Chose Health, Not the Marriage 12:05 - BetterHelp 13:00 - Health Gives Wisdom. Trauma Gives Reaction. 13:23 - What Carl Heard in Rehab 15:16 - How the Internet Gets This Wrong 15:43 - The Bad Advice That Hurts Women 17:22 - When Staying Immediately Isn't Strength 17:47 - When Friends Walked Away 19:30 - Laura: I Built Boundaries, Not Just Stayed 20:04 - Wonder Project 20:48 - "The Strongest Woman I Know" 22:12 - Why Separation Should Almost Always Come First 22:32 - Does He Know He's Not Well? 23:20 - It's Not the Act. It's the Road. 24:25 - Laura: What Staying Actually Took 24:45 - The Internal Condition Tells the Story 25:13 - Why Some Men Leave for the Wrong Reasons 26:20 - Policy Genius 27:38 - Where Do You Actually Start? 28:19 - Laura's Questions to Ask First 29:22 - "Do I Have the Whole Truth?" 30:08 - Don't Proceed Without the Full Truth 31:01 - Better Questions, Not Answers 32:17 - What's Coming Next See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

    31 min

  5. 8 jun

    You Will Not Get Around to a Healthy Marriage "Someday" (Part 2 with the Metcalfs)

    Charles and Abby Metcalf are back at the table, and this one goes deeper than part one. In this episode of Lights On, Carl, Laura, Charles, and Abby get into the parts of marriage that quietly erode underneath the busy life of raising kids: the conflicts that aren't actually about what they look like, the unspoken games we play hoping our spouse will read our minds, the way two exhausted people can drift apart without ever raising their voices, and the truth most couples never address out loud about what's happening (or not happening) in their bedroom. You'll hear Abby tell the story of the moment her old toxic game broke wide open with one shouted question her husband couldn't answer, why both couples agree your sex life is the clearest drift indicator you have, and the slow, sneaky death of "I should be able to do this myself." Carl gets honest about what it actually looks like for a man with a history of betrayal to learn how to ask for support again, and how the "deposit before the withdrawal" frame keeps him steady. Laura speaks to the women still afraid to be honest about what they need, and what it cost her to stop playing the small games she didn't even know she was playing. Stay for the complaint to compliment log challenge, the two-minute eye contact experiment that exposes how present you've actually been, the hand-hold-while-you-fight trick, and the line that should be written on the wall of every married couple's house: you will not get around to a healthy marriage someday. This is part two with the Metcalfs. Bring your spouse. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ Follow Charles at: https://www.instagram.com/charlesmetcalf/ Follow Abby at: https://www.instagram.com/abbyrosemetcalf/ Chapters: 0:00 – Cold Open 1:07 – Welcome Back: Charles & Abby Metcalf, Part 2 3:09 – How Kids Change a Marriage 4:01 – The Conflict That Keeps Showing Up 8:40 – Abby on Doing Deep Inner Work While Mothering 10:26 – God Behind Bars 10:59 – Why You Can't Process Everything at Home 12:29 – Small Fights, Big Resentment 16:06 – Homework: One Way to Make Them Feel Supported 17:08 – Why Wives Don't Ask for Help 18:04 – BetterHelp 19:04 – Creating Safety for an Honest Answer 22:31 – What If They're Actually Trying Their Best? 25:43 – Stop Guessing. Start Asking. 28:45 – Grieving the Toxic Patterns You Grew Up With 29:56 – Homework: "I Feel Most Supported When..." 32:35 – Extra Credit: Hand-Holding and Eye Contact 34:31 – Wonder Project 35:15 – For the Husband Who Broke Trust 39:19 – Bids for Connection 41:31 – Why You Need Trusted Friends Outside the Marriage 42:20 – Reading the Room 44:34 – Grace When Their Effort Doesn't Land 46:23 – Policy Genius 47:34 – Where Graciousness Actually Comes From 50:03 – It's Never Too Late to Repair a Rejected Bid 51:22 – Wives, You Set the Temperature of the Home 52:38 – Complimenting Your Spouse in Front of Your Kids 53:30 – The Complaint-to-Compliment Log 54:12 – Marriage Drift Is Real 54:39 – Your Sex Life Is Telling the Truth 56:00 – Abby: When Sex Stopped Feeling Like a Chore 58:06 – If Sex Feels Secretive, Start Here 59:12 – If Sex Is Infrequent, Ask This First 1:00:22 – Why Withholding Sex Is Dangerous for Both of You 1:02:21 – Find a Healthy "Normal" From Couples You Trust 1:03:13 – Don't Make Sex a Reward System 1:06:30 – Your Patterns Today Are Your Marriage Tomorrow 1:07:57 – Tomorrow Is a Brand New Start 1:08:46 – Don't Ignore the Warning Signs 1:09:24 – Marriage Is Still the Coolest Thing 1:10:38 – Outro + Shoutout: God Behind Bars See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

    1 h 8 min

  6. 1 jun

    What Kids Actually Do to Your Marriage | Ft. Charles and Abby Metcalf

    Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com For the first time on Lights On, Carl and Laura invited guests to the table: Charles and Abby Metcalf, dear friends, pastors, and parents of four little ones in the thick of the season most couples privately worry they won't survive. Together, the four of them get into the question hundreds of you have asked in different ways: what do kids actually do to a marriage, and how do you stay best friends through it? In this episode of Lights On, Carl, Laura, Charles, and Abby get honest about the parts of marriage that kids quietly expose. The impatience you didn't know was in you. The differences in parenting style that suddenly feel personal. The way two exhausted people can drift from lovers into co-managers without anyone noticing. The way "teammate energy" sneaks in and steals what brought you together in the first place. You'll hear Charles tell the story of his Mother's Day attempt to do everything alone (and the wrath of God that followed), why Abby believes a confident, joyful mom is the most valuable thing a household can have, and why both couples agree the best parents are always the best friends. Laura speaks directly to the moms carrying invisible weight, the ones who never get asked what they actually need. Carl speaks to the dads who clock out at work and clock out again at home, and the small mental shift that flips everything. Stay for the homework prompts you can take to dinner this week, the "what's in the way of becoming co-managers" frame that will change how you protect your marriage, and the line that lands no matter what season you're in: you are doing so much better than you think you are. This is part one with the Metcalfs. They're coming back. Bring a notebook. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ Follow Charles at: https://www.instagram.com/charlesmetcalf/ Follow Abby at: https://www.instagram.com/abbyrosemetcalf/ Chapters: 0:00 - Intro: 0:56 - Welcome & Meet the Guests: Charles & Abby Metcalf 3:29 - Learning Each Other Before Having Kids 5:13 - A Stranger's Kind Words at a Diner (Story) 6:52 - What Shocked Us Most About Having Kids (Impatience & Overstimulation) 10:39 - How Parenting Exposes Fragile Parts of Your Marriage 11:18 - GOD BEHIND BARS 11:50 - What Stretches Your Marriage the Most: Exhaustion & the "Same Team" Mindset 13:27 - Navigating Different Parenting Styles Without Undermining Each Other 15:28 - Have Ground Rules for Disagreeing in Front of the Kids 16:01 - When Marriage Becomes Survival Mode: How to Move Toward Thriving 17:18 - Homework: Ask What Drains & Restores Your Partner 18:06 - The Drift: How Couples Quietly Become Teammates Instead of Lovers 19:13 - How the Metcalfs Protect Their Friendship (Thursday Date Night) 22:14 - Flip the Script: Let Marriage Get in the Way of the Kids 23:11 - Better Help 24:10 - Staying Curious About Each Other as You Both Change 25:31 - Practical Tip: Create One Recurring Friendship Interruption This Month 27:01 - What Kids Learn by Watching Mom and Dad Prioritize Each Other 28:31 - Hold Yourself to the Same Standard You'd Hold a Son-in-Law To 29:12 - When Both Partners Feel Unseen: Invisible Weight 32:05 - Silent Anger Becomes Resentment — Naming It Before It's Toxic 33:44 - The Unseen Weight of Being a Mom 36:08 - Wonder Project 37:12 - Charles doing Mother's Day Solo With All Four Kids (Story) 38:27 - No iPads, Homeschooling & the Extra Layer of Demand on Mom 39:27 - The Resentment Trap When Both Parents Come Home Exhausted 41:28 - Building a Daily Structure That Gives Everyone Space to Breathe 43:38 - Intentional Architecture: Design Your Life Before the Fires Start 44:56 - Appreciating What Mom Holds — The "Walk Into the Ocean" Story 46:18 - The Most Common Root of Marriage Tension: Not Feeling Seen 47:00 - Policy Genius 48:10 - Laura's Story: Not Knowing Who She Was Outside of Her Family 49:52 - Women Finding Their Voice & Overcoming Mom Guilt 51:42 - Stop Getting Parenting Advice From Social Media 53:07 - The Value of Friendships That Actually Know You (Tornado Story) 55:52 - When Mom Is Flourishing, Everyone Is Better 57:54 - Homework: Ask What Makes Your Spouse Feel Most Unseen 59:38 - Speak Well of Your Spouse Behind Their Back 1:00:13 - The LeBron Effect: Moms Are So Good We Take Them for Granted 1:01:16 - Closing: Come Back Next Week for Part 2 See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

    59 min

  7. 25 may

    How do you rebuild intimacy after betrayal?

    Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com This is the number one question Carl and Laura get asked, so they finally gave it a whole episode. A listener wrote in asking how you rebuild intimacy when sex, touch, and closeness have all become wired to pain, pressure, and fear. Underneath it sat the question almost nobody says out loud: will we ever have sex again? In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura get honest about why intimacy after betrayal breaks down so fast, and why the problem is almost never that the intimacy disappeared. It's that the order got destroyed. They walk through what Laura calls the architecture of intimacy, the healthy sequence real connection actually flows through, and the broken version that quietly pushes couples toward divorce or a lonely marriage they never had to end up in. You'll hear why pressure is the one thing that shuts a nervous system down completely, why the price tag for future intimacy is elite patience, and why becoming a student of your spouse's nervous system will do more than any romantic gesture ever could. Carl gets blunt with the men still leading with "but I have needs." Laura speaks directly to the women carrying comparison, fear, and the quiet belief that they should want intimacy by now. Stay for the follow the order checklist, a set of questions you can actually take to dinner this week, the truth about why women trust patterns and not emotion, and the two words that change everything for a man trying to rebuild: build stability. Whether you're walking through repair or you just want a marriage that's more alive than it's ever been, this conversation is built to give you order, and order brings peace. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ Chapters: 0:32 - Welcome 2:50 - Will We Ever Have Sex Again? 3:41 - What We Can Actually Help With Today 4:56 - The Biggest Mistake Couples Make After Betrayal 5:41 - There Is an Order to Repairing Broken Trust 7:03 - The Architecture of Intimacy 8:12 - The Healthy Order: Safety → Connection → Security → Desire 9:42 - The Broken Order & Where It Leads 11:10 - God Behind Bars 11:43 - The Problem Is the Order Got Destroyed, Not That Intimacy Is Gone 13:19 - You're Not Broken, You're Not Rejected — You're Out of Order 14:25 - Don't Make This About You 17:10 - The #1 Thing Women Say Makes Intimacy So Hard: Pressure 18:34 - You Can Have Intimacy Again, But It'll Cost You Patience 20:45 - BetterHelp 21:45 - What About Husbands Who've Done the Work But She's Not Moving? 22:16 - Wanting Sex Isn't Wrong — Demanding It Is 23:11 - Stop Trying to Be Romantic. Become a Student of Her Nervous System 25:29 - It Does Help to Be Handsome — But Stability Is More Attractive 27:05 - A Wife Has Never Left a Kind Man. Ever. 28:03 - Carl Asks Laura: What Actually Healed You? 29:02 - Desire Returns Through Safety, Not Timelines 31:03 - Wonder Project 32:07 - What's Actually Going On Inside the Woman You Betrayed 33:47 - Patience Is a Skill & the Impatient Man Caused This Problem 34:17 - Delaying Gratification Speaks Volumes to Her 34:43 - You Cannot Pray Your Way Out of Hard Work 37:08 - Two Words Every Man Needs: Build Stability 40:34 - The Woman Can Break the Order. You Cannot. 42:20 - Follow the Order Checklist 43:46 - Policy Genius 44:58 - Have We Removed Pressure From the Intimacy Conversation? 45:45 - Are We Building Connection Outside the Bedroom? 46:41 - More Stable or Just More Apologetic? 47:31 - Are We Creating New Experiences or Only Processing Pain? 48:35 - Do We Understand Each Other's Nervous System Better? 48:59 - Real Life: Laura Loses It After Moving Kids Home 50:14 - Have We Become More Honest This Week? 51:05 - Don't Crush Him for Being Honest See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

    56 min

  8. 18 may

    How do you parent your kids when you feel disqualified?

    Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com When a parent emailed asking how to discipline their kids after blowing up the family, we knew this conversation needed its own episode. Their question went deeper than discipline though. It was about authority. How do you lead your kids when you feel completely disqualified? And how do you stabilize their nervous system when yours is barely holding together? In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura sit with the parent who knows the unique pain of trying to show up for their kids after wrecking the very thing that was supposed to make them feel safe. They walk through three pillars that have carried their own family through six years of repair: posture, honesty, and confidence. None of them are what most people assume they are. You'll hear why your kids don't lose respect when you fail, they lose it when you pretend you didn't. Why removing discipline out of guilt actually steals the safety your children are craving most. Why secrecy "to protect them" usually does the opposite, and what the merry-go-round study reveals about the boundaries kids actually need. Carl gets honest about the dad voice that had to be retired and the one that took its place. Laura speaks directly to the betrayed spouse navigating their own version of this, and why the temptation to triangulate with your kids is one of the most costly choices a parent can make. Stay for the lighthouse metaphor, the turbulence-on-a-plane illustration that will change the way you talk to your kids about hard things, and the honest truth about how we tagged in and tagged out on the days neither of them had anything left to give. If you're parenting through repair, or watching someone you love try to, this one is for you. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ Chapters: 0:00 - Intro 0:41 - Welcome & Episode Overview 1:25 - Book Announcement & How to Reach the Show 1:59 - The email 2:46 - Why This Moment Can Go Right or Wrong 3:45 - The 3 Keys: Posture, Honesty & Confidence 3:56 - What "Posture" Actually Means 4:26 - Wrong Posture: "I'm Still the Parent, Do What I Say" 5:01 - Right Posture: Own It, Repair It, Show Up Every Day 5:49 - Kids Lose Respect When You Pretend Nothing Happened 6:20 - The Guilt Trap: Why Discipline Can't Disappear 7:03 - Removing Discipline Removes Safety 7:49 - What Discipline Actually Sounds Like Now 8:46 - Holding the Line Consistently Rebuilds Trust 9:32 - Being Firm AND Humble at the Same Time 10:51 - God Behind Bars 11:24 - Correct With Empathy, Not Just Authority 12:16 - Discipline From Responsibility, Not Guilt 13:32 - Honesty — Why Parents Get This Wrong 14:18 - Silence Seeds More Instability (Real Story: Charlie) 16:00 - The Pattern You're Setting Without Knowing It 17:16 - What Honesty Actually Looks Like (Without Oversharing) 18:25 - BetterHelp 19:25 - Pushback: "I Don't Want to Break My Kid's Heart" 20:28 - Sample Language to Use With Your Kids 21:21 - The Fence Study: Why Kids Need Boundaries 22:09 - Secrecy Destroys Trust 22:33 - Turbulence Analogy: Be the Pilot, Not the Silence 23:30 - The Cost of Waiting Too Long to Be Honest 25:06 - Confidence — The Stabilizer 26:47 - The Betrayed Spouse's Crucial Role 27:26 - Wonder Project 28:30 - Don't Put Kids in the Middle 29:20 - Kids Will Be Angry, Test You, and Lose Trust — That's Normal 29:49 - Your Job: Stay Consistent, Not Control Their Reaction 30:56 - The Spouse's Rôle: Supporting Rebuilding 31:43 - When Kids Push Back: Simple Language That Works 33:04 - Find a Safe Outlet — Don't Dump on Your Kids 33:40 - The Lighthouse Dad Analogy 34:46 - Policy Genius 35:56 - How Did You Stabilize the Kids When You Were Unstable? 37:44 - Progress Isn't Linear — Good Days, Bad Days, Keep Going 38:09 - More Clinical Help on Kids' Nervous Systems Is Coming 38:47 - Final Encouragement: Recap of Posture, Honesty & Confidence 40:20 - Outro & How to Reach the Show See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

    40 min
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Lights On with Carl Lentz is exactly what this show is. Carl Lentz is turning on the lights in his own life, & giving people space to do the same. We will lead with vulnerability, & have open conversations to bring light to the inner darkness in our lives. Turn on the lights with us!

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  • Creador
    B-Side
  • Años de actividad
    2024 - 2026
  • Episodios
    103
  • Clasificación
    Apto
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    © Copyright 2024 All rights reserved.
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    Lights On with Carl Lentz

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