209 episodios

The Dick Show is a weekly science and rage based podcast where everything is a contest and there ams no rules--especially grammar rules. Chock-full of Dick Tips and the answers to questions like, 'Are you a rage?' and 'What even is a libertarian?'

The Dick Show. Get some.

The Dick Show Dick Masterson

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The Dick Show is a weekly science and rage based podcast where everything is a contest and there ams no rules--especially grammar rules. Chock-full of Dick Tips and the answers to questions like, 'Are you a rage?' and 'What even is a libertarian?'

The Dick Show. Get some.

    Episode 209 - Dick on the LA Riots

    Episode 209 - Dick on the LA Riots

    My coverage on the street of the LA riots, giving Sean smooches, a failure to launch, Johnny and Coach in studio, an argument with Null about CDA 230 protections, Nick Rekieta's 3PM breakfast, a guy pretending to be a girl on OnlyFans, a guy whose wife was pulling in 9k on OnlyFans, death by self-driving car, and first-hand Antifa antics; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!
    People look for meaning in a riot. There is none. It's a walking, talking, brick-tossing contradiction of human emotions and resentments that have built up over hundreds of years, blowing off gore and authority like a super caldera every twenty or so. It's an anniversary fight. The one you don't talk about the next day because it's too ugly to walk back, but goddamn was it fun to say! And anyway, you get it. You both get it.
    I think it's possible to support both protesters and the police. Because they are both simultaneously peaceful wardens of life and authoritarian thugs seeking to subjugate through violence of the threat of it. They gnaw at our rights constantly, chewing through our fucking skull every day and in every way, controlling our vices and language, making us constantly submit to their bullshit. Go for it, guys! Bring your A games and your bricks and your batons and have at it! We'll be on hand to lick the boot of the winner no matter who it is.
    Inarguably riots are an effective marketing vehicle. But this will be argued and I can't understand why. Maybe it's not the effectiveness people question, but the message, they are just phrasing it wrong.
    The downtrodden are victims of the establishment and the establishment exists to protect us from them. White privilege exists and it means defiance in the face of mathematics. These simple things will evoke feelings of resentment and fury. You print six trillion dollars and you kill the people. You print $20 and The People kill you. Mobs of the impoverished and the discontented and Les Misérables seek to destroy their own community, routing their own sickness from the face of the Earth and they are right to do so, but euthanasia is illegal. Suicide is forbidden, so we reject their autonomy in this matter on principle. You will sit in the ghetto, and you will like it!
    I think education is the answer. I would say religion is the answer, but these motherfuckers burned down a church, so we need to adapt. Education, education, education. Huge ivory towers of learninnation to replace the burnination. That's what the inner city needs. If only they had voted for Bernie! Oh God, why don't they understand that a liberal arts degree and a lifetime of debt are so much more fulfilling than free liquor and shoes. Condescension is a learned vice and we must indoctrinate them to them. Only in unthinking reality itself will they learn that violence is not the answer. The willingness to defy mathematics. That is white privilege. We can teach it!
    The Fed could have printed us out of this riot. But fuck em. The 1% already got theirs. Insurance won't cover any of the carnage because Warren Buffet doesn't want to. The government killed more small businesses over the meme flu than the rioters every could, and even in the face of weaponized boredom, the lockdown continues.
    The police exist to protect us from our imaginations, and you don't have to imagine a mob. They're right there in front of you at the front gates hundreds of miles away. Fuck em.

    • 2 h 45 min
    Episode 208 - Dick on Cuck Throat

    Episode 208 - Dick on Cuck Throat

    Maddox changes his voice to call Keemstar a Nazi, Digibro transitions to Digi-Nee and it is not a bit, the Libertarian debates, the future fights of sex robots, Ralph and Null have a big fight and then attempt to apologize, the cam wh*re controversy continues, Vito's new Star Wars video is out, Screw Louie is back to Square One in The Virgin Contest, some advice for a busty Israeli with a butter face, taking things too seriously, my nose job, Sean doesn't like Rand Paul, and the real Dick Show four-year anniversary; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!
    Once again, we start the show in the middle of a gay op in progress! Keemstar and H3H3 are at war for attention and mutual destruction, and everyone hates them for it. I don't know a lot about either one. From what I've seen, there's little to defend on either side and no one seems to be asking for any defense--this upsets some people for some reason. What I do know, is that our culture is currently split into two camps; one that supports the concepts of hate speech, toxicity, and blame of actions on encouragement, and the other who believes that actions and speech are separate, and that the latter has a right to exist no matter what. We are currently divided along those lines by powerful forces who have enslaved us. The actual distinction is a meaningless one.
    Anyway, here's Maddox using a TalkBoy to change his voice and call me and everyone I know a white supremacist.
    Go watch the video. It's hilarious. And then spend the rest of the day asking yourself, "Why?" But first...
    The monster is always in control. Whether is liquor or sex or power or love or hate or both. It's always in control. It's the momentum or the lack thereof and everything you can do to direct it happened a long time ago. I wonder about these obsessions people have. After four years of dealing with it on a near constant basis, and it continues. And it will always continue. Revenge, poverty, mindless cruelty. What the hell are we thinking?
    There has never been anything so fun to do as this show. And if it is ever not fun or late or hungover or dead, the momentum will carry it through. I think that's the secret reason for the trad renaissance; a waking awareness that there is a lack of divine external compulsion to drive life forward. It must be built, we know this, but how in a world where it seems increasingly difficult to do so can we do it? And it's everything's fault. Literally. You tell someone and they tell you. You tell them again. They tell you. The You stay together because you're married. You have children, and the momentum drives you forward. Otherwise, if it's up to you, you play video games.
    But there's something getting lost in telephone game. Not enough people are saying it back or they've got it wrong. This is the momentum.
    The hate is in control, and the politics, and the drugs. Maddox is on a street corner reading off a list of every white supremacist I've ever spoken to, to anyone who will listen. A burning ball of molten shame that will fall forever into the core of the Earth. He'll never stop.
    Digibro is transitioning into a woman, Digi-née. I can't imagine anyone rejecting this transition after listening to today's call, but I know they will, petulantly and viciously. It should be painfully obvious to anyone who listens how tremendously genuine his decision is; the lolicon, the dysphoria, the gradual change in momentum of decisions from long ago that have compounded into a single moment.
    It's the compounding interest of it, the most powerful force in the universe. That and stupidity. They're the same thing really.

    • 2 h 30 min
    Episode 207 - Dick on Premature Celebrations

    Episode 207 - Dick on Premature Celebrations

    I am confronted for not wearing a mask, Screwy Louie comes in to talk about the virgin contest, MC Jarbo talks about his new album, "Chronicles of a Cuck", Poe's Law, the white trash cycle, deer-kin, fat moms, the mental patients who run the world, how to be a finance, an army of contact tracers, The Fed starts buying ETFs, the THOT Patroler, the new Black Cat, sick health officials, and how to make a non-racist AI; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!
    It's banned on BandCamp, Spotify, and the sub continent, but the MC Jarbo album "Chronicles of a Cuck" is still available at mcjarbo.com for the way-too-low price of $6.99! Get it today before you listen to MC Jarbo's call-in. Never in my life would I have imagined an entire musical software suite would be developed just to make fun of a guy, but here we are. Imagine our potential if we didn't dedicate our lives to petty revenge and one-upmanship. If we worked together for a greater good instead of the greater laugh. The world would be everything the ADL dreamed. So if you hate the ADL, get this album today! But first...

    The story of Job goes thusly.
    Once there was a man who believed in God. So Satan tricked God into killing his family and burning his house down; casting a pestilence over his crops and bringing a famine to his land. Opening up his borders with other lands and off-shoring manufacturing to eviscerate his middle class, centralizing the ownership of gold and accepting taxes only in a debt-based fiat currency that a democratically-elected governing body had access to print more of. God then limited the number of the governing body making them lords over fiefdoms of the retarded. Subsidies washed over the land, 90% of women had an OnlyFans account and 100% of them were overweight, men fucking loved science and Funko Pops and apologizing. The WWF became the WWE. Deer-men and whores cybernetically controlled all expression. The old trained the young to eat one another and the world was plunged into a perpetual state of crisis and death.
    "There!" said God, "Job still believes in me after everything I've done!"
    "Do you?" said Satan.
    The lockdown is over because enough people have decided that it is, and that means the time for premature celebration is at hand! The I told you so's come first.
    I told you this virus wasn't that big of a deal. It killed old people and not very many of them. Second wave? Don't make me laugh because if I start now, I might never stop. This lockdown has made me insane. I told you the government would roll out a system of tyrannical overreach and permanently erode our Civil Liberties. Contact tracing? Warrantless web history searches? Immunity microchips that chicks can scan to see your dick size? Welcome to the prison planet! Your neighbors are your wardens and Trump is building a wall to keep everyone in. I told you no one would feel stupid for any of this.
    And thank God no one feels stupid, because that's when the real lockdowns would start. The Goldilocks Zone between moral clarity and the great towering inferno of righteous morality that threatens at any moment to destroy the world to cover up the shame. The uncomfortable chuckle that says a roast is about to go too far. That's the sweet spot.
    But back to celebrating prematurely. Nature is healing, and so is the human spirit! We will find new friends! Like minded individuals who want to be left alone. We will have a head start to reshape the world while the mask people stay hunkered down in their toilet paper forts and news bulletins. We will upgrade our bodies and terrify the good and decent. We will tear down laminated signs that tell us where to sit and how to stand. We will throw the warning plaques and throw caution tape to the wind. We will trade our subsidies for cryptocurrency. We will beat our wardens to death and we will throw grandma from an incredible height

    • 2 h 21 min
    Episode 206 - Dick on Legacy Issues

    Episode 206 - Dick on Legacy Issues

    My drunken, multi-stream meltdown, the New Project 2 Mafia and Sean the Capo, fake white nationalism, returning shopping carts, Screwy Louie has a date, Null calls in to talk kids, legacies, and the burning trash fire I dumped in his lap, Maddox is pretending to be a cowboy for some reason, Chris the Kiwi has a busy weekend, Mersh from Revenge of the Cis talks about strip clubs, and how to keep your wife busy at home; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!
    I have a feeling that this is going to be the beginning of a beautiful arc, and once again, my dick has kickstarted an attention whore apocalypse, a live streamer Civil War, if you will, an Internet 9/11 Part 2. Ralph is going to fight a fat Canadian, Kiwi Farms is in revolt against moderation, and Sean couldn’t care less. What else is new? Speaking of my capo Sean, we’re doing a bonus episode with Karl from “Who Are These Podcasts” soon, let me know what sick show we should review in the comments! But first…
    Legacy issues. For computer nerds, that describes problems with old component parts and outdated software that no longer functions in today’s environments and cannot easily be replaced. The old shit doesn’t work with the new shit. That’s legacy problems. For purposes of this episode, it also describes the trend of young men to be concerned about their legacy. I’ve never understood this.
    You’re dead, you rot in the ground. If you’re one of the lucky few, a kid in forth grade will write an essay about you that they hate doing and that serves no purpose. For the unlucky few, they will be quoted endlessly in only arguments, their words and intentions and actions and the size of their dick will be twisted and perverted, co-opted and inverted, and will be minimized, and there will be no end to it. In this universe there can be no heaven with this knowledge. Having an eternity of this awareness would inherently be hell.
    But for the rest of us…Our legacy will be one of hate speech and incompetence. Ignorant, gormless, wildly racist buffoons, the bumbling and fumbling black sheep of history who just couldn’t get it right even though the answer was staring us right in the face.
    “They pooped from their butts? What a bunch of s-slur p-words.”
    Stupid people.
    Our legacy will be one of pity. We will be looked upon like stinking and horrifying pigs, lacking in any kind of nanotechnology or augmented reality. Our reality will be seen as real, not unlike the animals we chose to slaughter. This, by the way, the butchering of living animals for meat, will be referred to as a holocaust.
    Filthy racists that worshipped insane superstitions like going to college and concussions, generations that lived in their cars driving back and forth to work to serve corporate masters. Our legacy is one of pity and filth and stupidity the likes of which history has never known because we were the first to record all of it–and we shot it into space! Our future will start first contact with aliens with, “I’m sorry.” And the aliens will get it, because they too will be sorry.
    Maybe your kids will be great. Maybe they’ll be fucks. In four generations, they’ll share the same amount of DNA with you as your current cousins do. I think that math works out, but what do I know, I’m just a stupid, filthy, racist idiot who showers twice a day and thinks the world is ending one bailout at a time.
    Happy Halving Day! If you want a legacy, leave the kids some Bitcoin.
    Oh, yeah! There’s a third meaning to the title. It’s old Dick Show issues I thought were dead and buried starting to the bubble to the surface, but I think I’ll talk about that on a bonus episode, either this one or the next. Believe me, it’s a hell of a story, and I’ve been waiting to tell it for over a year. See you next Tuesday!

    • 3 h 30 min
    Episode 205 - Dick on Multiple Women

    Episode 205 - Dick on Multiple Women

    Bird and I are accused of being Antifa at a freedom protest, Andrew Tate Calls in to talk kickboxing and cam whoring, The Little Irishman draws all over his brother, Maddox calls me a rapist and a pedophile, what happened to health insurance, debts and liabilities outgrow assets, men's entitlement, women's ingratitude, the Hard Men Working Hard create a chart-topper, and dealing with LGBT parents; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

    • 3 h 3 min
    Episode 204 - Dick on Wiener Crossing

    Episode 204 - Dick on Wiener Crossing

    I can't find my Nintendo DS, Vito brings in a card game, I apologize to Chris the Kiwi, homeschooling, Digibro's categorizes everyone in The Dick Show, Doc Rieux has stories from the ER, Crippled Jesus' mom's boyfriend drops a hot beat, Japan is better than the US, Tifa vs. Aerith, pedophiles, pedophiles, pedophiles, and Reactor, Tim Pool's brother, is a gold-bricking douchebag who got kicked out of the band; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

    • 3 h 4 min

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