Untethering Shame

Kyira Wackett
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  • Mental Health
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New episodes every Sunday! Shame is the fear of not being good enough or worthy of connection and belonging. This silent plague keeps us tethered to the performance, focused on external validation and approval versus internal rooting. It can disrupt every relationship, thought, and experience if left unchecked. And it's time we say enough. Join licensed mental health therapist, Kyira Wackett, in the quest to build insight and take meaningful and intentional actions as we untether ourselves from shame. 

  1. 1 day ago

    Shame, Meltdowns and Tantrums: Managing Emotions in Our Children & Ourselves with Dr. Bethany Bilodeau

    Is it defiance, or is it fear? I sit down with Dr. Bethany Bilodeau (Dr. B), an expert in human behavior, to talk about why school refusal, meltdowns, and "non-compliance" are almost always a nervous system that does not feel safe, not a bad kid. Your child plants their feet at the front door. They will not get on the bus. They melt down over a spelling mistake, throw the game board, refuse to walk into a classroom. Everyone around you has a label for it: oppositional, disobedient, manipulative. And underneath it sits the question you are afraid to say out loud. Is this my fault? Dr. B told me: "I very rarely meet a child that I truly think is non-compliant. Very, very rarely." The harder we push, the more the child digs in, because pushing reads as a trap. We get into boundaries that create safety instead of control, why compliance was never the goal, and why failing with a safety net is the best kind of failing. I also had to admit the part I rarely say out loud: sometimes my kid is fine with failing, and I am not. This conversation is for you if: Your child fights you every morning about schoolYou have been told your kid is lazy, defiant, or non-compliantYou are carrying the weight of a system that grades you on how obedient your child isYou quietly wonder if their struggle is your faultYou are not failing. Something else is going on, and it can be worked with. More about Dr. Bethany Bilodeau Dr. B is an expert in human behavior. Her career began as a teacher in Guam and personally with her own family's challenges. She designs programs that help people achieve emotionally, socially, and academically, and holds numerous certifications in behavioral therapies. She was awarded 2024 Business of the Year in Education and the Business Excellence for Social Equity Award. Connect with Bethany: WebsiteInstagramYouTubeLinkedInReady to take the next step? Download the free handout, 5 Things Shame Resilient People Do Every Day, and start making the daily shifts that break the shame cycle keeping you stuck. Book a free 25-minute discovery call to discuss program options and find the support that best fits your needs. Stay connected: SpotifyApple PodcastsYouTubeadversityrising.comBe sure to leave a review to let us know your thoughts on this episode.

    Shame, Meltdowns and Tantrums: Managing Emotions in Our Children & Ourselves with Dr. Bethany Bilodeau

  2. 30 Aug

    Shame & Being Single: The Stories We Inherit About Being Alone with Amanda Quinby

    You are not behind. That feeling has a source, and it is older than you are. Being single is not just a relationship status. For a lot of people, it carries a verdict built out of family questions, cultural timelines, and a lifetime of quiet messages about what it means to still be on your own. In this second conversation with clinical psychologist Dr. Amanda Lynne Quinby, Kyira goes after where that verdict comes from—and what believing it actually costs. Amanda names the mechanism most people never see. When you walk into dating carrying "something must be wrong with me," that story picks who you tolerate. It tells you what you deserve. It talks you into staying. And then it points at the result and says, see, I told you. The shame does more damage than the dating ever did. They get into the sentence that starts earlier than anyone realizes: when you get married, and what it implies about you when it does not happen on schedule. The comparison that sharpens every year as the people around you pair off. The reason self-blame is so tempting: if it is your fault, you can fix it, and that feels so much better than sitting with what you cannot control. And the part almost nobody says out loud: other people's opinions about your relationship status are information about them, not about you. Amanda also says the thing a therapist is not supposed to say. When a client insists it must be me, she sometimes agrees. It might be you. Just not in the way you think. Not that you are unlovable. Not that you are unworthy. Not that you are broken. It is the narrative, and the narrative is workable. There is no five-step reframe here and no promise that someone is coming. What there is instead is honest company in a hard conversation, language for things that usually go unnamed, and one real question: Is the story you have been living inside about what your relationship status says about you a story you chose, or one you inherited? If you have ever felt like you were running out of time, wondered what being single this long says about you, or caught yourself quietly assuming something must be wrong with someone else because of theirs, this one is for you. MORE ABOUT AMANDADr. Amanda Lynne Quinby is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Bloomington, Indiana. She works with adults in their 30s and 40s who are navigating life transitions such as career changes, divorce, or relocation, and specializes in helping analytical, driven professionals move through the places where they feel most stuck. Her approach is collaborative and grounded, drawing on cognitive-behavioral therapy, mindfulness, self-compassion, and authenticity. She is passionate about helping people treat their feelings as data, create new narratives around their struggles, and build lives that are aligned with their values. CONNECT WITH AMANDAWebsite:https://www.amandalynnephd.com Psychology Today:https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/amanda-lynne-quinby-bloomington-in/254020 Email:amanda@amandalynnephd.com Free consultation:https://www.amandalynnephd.com/contact READY TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP?Download the FREE handout "5 Things Shame Resilient People Do Every Day" and start making the daily shifts that break the shame cycle keeping you stuck. http://www.adversityrising.com/become-shame-resilient Book a free 25-minute discovery call to talk through program options and find the support that fits. https://calendly.com/adversityrising/discovery-call STAY CONNECTEDWebsite:https://www.adversityrising.com Spotify:https://open.spotify.com/show/2AouludJr7EweOkMIN9s42 Apple Podcasts:https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/untethering-shame/id1691795543

    Shame & Being Single: The Stories We Inherit About Being Alone with Amanda Quinby

  3. 27 Aug

    🎙️ Ask Me Anything – E61: You Already Know What You Need. So Why Aren't You Doing It?

    Knowing is not the same as changing. And the personal growth industry has blurred that line for a long time. In this AMA episode, I answer an anonymous listener who has understood exactly what they need for years and still cannot act on it. We get into what is actually happening neurologically, where shame makes the gap wider, and what it genuinely takes to move from understanding your patterns to living differently. This one is for everyone who has done the work and is still waiting for it to show up in their behavior. What we cover: Why insight produces a neurological reward that mimics progress without being progressThe difference between the thinking brain and the nervous system, and why behavior lives in the second oneHow the shame of knowing better becomes its own obstacle to changeWhy understanding and doing are entirely different processes, not points on one continuumWhat identity change actually requires: accumulated evidence, not more informationHow to shrink the gap instead of trying to leap itThe core belief underneath most gaps that makes new behavior feel unsafe or undeservedThis week: Pick one thing from your "I know I need to do this" list. Write down the fear. Not the hoped-for outcome, but the actual worst-case story your nervous system is running about what would happen if you did it consistently. That story is the gap. And you cannot close what you have not fully seen. Three lines worth keeping: Insight updates the map. But your feet are still walking the old roads.The gap between knowing and doing is not a discipline problem. It is a depth problem.You don't need more knowing. You need someone to help you close the gap.Resources and links: Take the Burnout QuizLiberated Living ProgramFree Guide: Five Things Shame Resilient People Do Every Day (and Three Things They Don't)Submit a question for a future AMA episode (anonymous)Connect with me: Website: adversityrising.comInstagram: @adversityrisingTikTok: @adversityrisingIf someone in your life keeps saying "I know, I know" about rest, about boundaries, about speaking up, and nothing is changing, send them this episode. Sometimes the most helpful thing is someone finally naming why it is hard.

    🎙️ Ask Me Anything – E61: You Already Know What You Need. So Why Aren't You Doing It?

  4. 23 Aug

    Shame, Failing & Regret: When Mistakes Feel Like Proof with Telana Simpson

    What does it really cost us to play it safe? And what do we do with the weight of regret when we realize, too late, how much of our life we spent protecting ourselves instead of living it? In this episode, Kyira sits down with Telana Simpson, Courage Coach, facilitator, and podcast host based in Johannesburg, South Africa. With two decades of coaching experience and a background in psychology, Telana works at the intersection of self-worth, communication, and courage. Together they break down the difference between guilt, shame, and regret, and what happens when failure stops feeling like an event and starts feeling like evidence of who you are. Telana draws a line most of us never learned: confidence is about your doing, esteem is about your being. She also shares a personal story about her brother's grief and the regret that surfaced with it: how much time had gone to productivity at the expense of connection. From there the conversation moves into the cultural and intergenerational side of shame around failure, and takes apart the advice we repeat without questioning: live with no regrets. Regret, in her framing, is not a verdict. It is a signal pointing at something you value. If you have ever stayed silent when you wanted to speak, held back when you wanted to reach, or found yourself still carrying the weight of a choice that did not go the way you hoped, this episode was made for you. Connect with Telana: WebsiteInstagramFacebookTikTokLinkedInYouTubeReady to take the next step? Download the free handout, "5 Things Shame Resilient People Do Every Day": adversityrising.com/become-shame-resilient Book a free 25-minute discovery call: calendly.com/adversityrising/discovery-call Stay Connected: SpotifyApple PodcastsYouTubeadversityrising.com#UntetheringShame #ShameResilience #Regret #CourageCoaching #SelfWorth #ImposterSyndrome #KyiraWackett #TelanaSimpson

    Shame, Failing & Regret: When Mistakes Feel Like Proof with Telana Simpson

  5. 19 Aug

    🎙️ Ask Me Anything – E60: The Perfectionism Nobody Warned You About (It Looks Nothing Like You Think)

    Perfectionism Is Not About Being Perfect Perfectionism is not about being perfect. It's about avoiding the feeling of not being enough. In this episode of Untethering Shame, I answer an anonymous listener who wonders why they procrastinate, abandon projects, and only show up when success feels certain. Therapist to therapist: your therapist is right. This is perfectionism, just not the version most people recognize. It operates through strategic not starting and not finishing. Perfectionism's primary goal was never excellence. Its primary goal is protection. Why Not Finishing Feels Safer A finished thing can be judged. An unfinished thing can't be fully evaluated. An abandoned project is disappointing, but it isn't evidence of your inadequacy. Not finishing is the most elegant escape hatch there is. Ask yourself: Is the obstacle that you don't know how to do it? Or are you not certain you can do it well enough? One is a skills gap. The other is a shame gap. No productivity system in the world closes a shame gap. Perfectionism & Imposter Syndrome These two are intertwined. Perfectionism is the armor. Imposter syndrome is the wound it's protecting. Not finishing is the strategy that keeps both intact. The Cost of Not Finishing Every abandoned project leaves a deposit against your self-trust: "I don't follow through." "I'm all ideas and no execution." Those stories become identity and build new ceilings. Not because you can't, but because you no longer believe you could. Those are not the same thing. What Actually Helps What helps isn't trying harder. It's changing the story about imperfect work. If imperfect output currently means evidence of inadequacy, practice seeing it as evidence of courage. Build that belief through small acts of completion. Teach your nervous system that done is survivable and being seen unfinished is survivable too. The things you're most certain you'll do well are things you've already done. They sit inside your existing range of tolerance, so they are not growth. Perfectionism keeps you safe, competent, unjudged, and not learning. The version of yourself you most want to become is living at the edge. This Conversation Is for You If... You start things and abandon them before anyone sees.You've been "almost ready" for months.You avoid anything you're not sure you'll be great at.You've been called a perfectionist, but nothing gets finished.Resources & Links Liberated Living: Learn moreBurnout Quiz: Find your honest starting point Submit a Question Want to submit a question for a future episode? Submit anonymously or with your name. 👉 Submit Here Take the Next Step ★ FREE Guide: Five Things Shame Resilient People Do Every Day and Three Things They Don't★ Free Discovery Call: Book a call★ Liberated Living: Practice Radical Acceptance, Radical Responsibility, and Radical Authorship

    🎙️ Ask Me Anything – E60: The Perfectionism Nobody Warned You About (It Looks Nothing Like You Think)

  6. 16 Aug

    Shame & Nervous System Healing: Why It Still Feels Hard (Part 2) with Elizabeth Kipp

    If I understand my triggers, if I've done the work, why does it still feel so hard? In this episode of Untethering Shame, I sit down with Elizabeth Kipp, Stress Management and Historical Trauma Specialist, Certified Addiction Recovery Coach, Ancestral Clearing Practitioner, and international best-selling author of The Way Through Chronic Pain, for our fourth and final conversation in this series. This one got personal fast. We are not talking about the nervous system in theory anymore. We are talking about what it looks like to live inside it, in real time, with the people who activate us most. Elizabeth gave me a line I wrote down in all caps three separate times: we cannot defend and connect at the same time. The nervous system does not do both, the same way we cannot digest and run at the same time. Which means the moment the other person is in defense, you are never going to feel seen. Not because you failed at asking. Because their system is not available for it. She also named the thing underneath all of it: safety is the directive of the organism. So instead of trying to make a relationship safe, which you cannot control, you help your own nervous system understand it is safe as a separate whole thing, independent of how that conversation goes. Breath first. Then acknowledge what they said before you say your piece. The part I had to sit with is my own. I have started to notice my relationship with shame looks a lot like an addiction. Elizabeth walks us through the four words that pull you back into your heart before any of it starts: patience, kindness, gentle, self-compassion. This conversation is for you if: You have done the work and still get activated by familyYou keep leaving conversations feeling unseen, no matter how carefully you phrase itYou calm yourself down, then get worked up all over again lying in bed that nightYou are an adult child trying to have a real conversation with a parent who goes straight to defenseYou catch yourself upset at people for not meeting expectations you never said out loudConnect with Elizabeth: WebsiteFacebookInstagramLinkedInReady to take the next step? Download the FREE handout, 5 Things Shame Resilient People Do Every Day and start making those daily shifts to break that shame cycle that's keeping you stuck in that negative headspace. Book a free 25-minute discovery call to discuss different program options and find the support that best fits your needs. Stay Connected: SpotifyApple PodcastsYouTubeWebsite

    Shame & Nervous System Healing: Why It Still Feels Hard (Part 2) with Elizabeth Kipp

  7. 14 Aug

    🎙️ Ask Me Anything – E59: The 2am Rehearsal (Why You Know Exactly What to Say and Still Can't Say It)

    In this episode of Untethering Shame, I answer an anonymous listener who asks: "I have a list of conversations I've been avoiding. With my partner, with a friend, with my boss, some for months, some for years. I know exactly what needs to be said. I can rehearse the whole thing in my head at 2 a.m. and I still can't make myself have them. Why do I keep avoiding conversations that could actually change things for the better? And how do I stop getting in my own way?" Here's what I want you to hear first: avoidance is not cowardice, and it isn't procrastination. It's a nervous system response. Your body made a calculation faster than conscious thought that the risk of this conversation outweighs the cost of not having it. That calculation might be wrong, but it isn't weak. Instead of asking "why am I so bad at this?" ask: "what threat is my nervous system convinced this conversation contains?" The Fears Beneath It Avoidance is often fear of rejection, rupture, causing pain, or making an ending feel real. What Is Silence Costing You? Silence can create distance, resentment, and self-betrayal. Every time you stay silent, you teach yourself that what you need isn't worth the risk of saying it. Preparation vs. Rumination Preparation and rumination are not the same thing. Preparation clarifies what you need to communicate and why. Rumination replays the conversation on a loop and introduces a new variable every time, keeping the conversation permanently unready. It's anxiety wearing the costume of productivity. How to Have the Conversation Lead with intention instead of a script.Go in regulated instead of calm—because those are different things.Name the vulnerability at the start so the other person hears care instead of attack.This Is for You If... You have a mental list of conversations you keep postponing.You rehearse at 2 a.m. and still can't start the real thing.You've been telling yourself "it's not the right time" for months.You want the words, but what you actually need is the capacity to say them.Your Homework Pick one conversation from your list. Not the hardest one. Write down: 1) the single most important thing you need this person to understand, and 2) what you're most afraid will happen if you say it. You don't have to have the conversation this week. You just have to get honest on paper about what's keeping you from it. Comment POD and I'll send it your way. Resources & Links Liberated Living: Learn moreBurnout Quiz: Find your honest starting point Submit a Question Submit a question for a future episode anonymously or with your name, whatever feels safest. 👉 Submit Here Take the Next Step ★ FREE Guide: Five Things Shame Resilient People Do Every Day and Three Things They Don't★ Free Discovery Call: Book a call★ Liberated Living: Practice Radical Acceptance, Responsibility & AuthorshipStay Connected SpotifyApple PodcastsYouTubeWebsite

    🎙️ Ask Me Anything – E59: The 2am Rehearsal (Why You Know Exactly What to Say and Still Can't Say It)

  8. 9 Aug

    Shame & Masculinity: Learning Presence Instead of Performance with Alex

    Why He Says This Is A Waste Of Time "It's not a character flaw, it's a chemical state." In this episode of Untethering Shame, I sit down with Alexander Pujol, a former physician assistant turned performance coach and founder of Quantum Human Performance, to talk about what is actually happening inside a man when he goes cold, shuts down, or tells you the conversation you are trying to have is a waste of his time. Alex has spent eight years working with Division I athletes, ballerinas, golfers, and business owners, and he kept finding the same pattern underneath the performance. The people who managed pressure best did it by staying cold through challenge, and that coldness followed them home. What looks like dismissal in a relationship is often residue from a skill that was rewarded everywhere else. We get into why a conversation without a clear goal can register in the nervous system as a threat, and what happens next when adrenaline and cortisol narrow focus and amplify that threat into anger. Alex is direct about the fact that most men cannot name shame when they are in it. They only find it by working backwards from why they are so angry. He also gets honest about his own life. The burnout four years ago that made him stop. The divorce, and reading a book afterward that finally gave him the word for what he had been doing for years without knowing it. Losing his father and immediately starting a 2,000 square foot build out because grief was easier to replace than feel. And the one question he started asking his partner that changed how he shows up in every relationship since. If there is one idea I want you to carry out of this conversation, it is this: the skill was never installed. Nobody taught these men how to sit with an emotion, so there is nothing to fix, only something to practice. As Alex puts it, what we practice grows. This conversation is for you if... Someone you love goes silent or cold the moment things get hard, and you have started taking it personallyYou are the one who shuts down, and you have never had language for whyYou keep hearing "I don't want to talk about it" and you do not know what to do with thatYou were raised to fix, perform, and protect, and you are realizing that none of that taught you how to feelYou are parenting a boy and you want to interrupt the pattern before it setsConnect with Alex Alexander Pujol is a former physician assistant turned performance coach and founder of Quantum Human Performance, where he helps athletes and high performers optimize their mind, body, and emotional resilience. Drawing from neuroscience, breathwork, and his own journey through burnout and recovery, he teaches a holistic approach to self-belief, flow, and sustainable performance. Alex is also the author of Spectrum: A Galvanizing Journey, where he shares the principles behind transforming adversity into growth and purpose. Website: oneqhp.comInstagram: @q.h.p._wellnessFacebook: alex.pujol.777LinkedIn: Alexander PujolReady to take the next step? Download the FREE handout, 5 Things Shame Resilient People Do Every Day, and start making those daily shifts to break the shame cycle that's keeping you stuck in that negative headspace. Book a free 25-minute discovery call to discuss different program options and find the support that best fits your needs. Stay Connected Subscribe to the podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts and be sure to leave a review to let us know your thoughts on this episode. YouTube: @adversityrisingWebsite: adversityrising.com

    Shame & Masculinity: Learning Presence Instead of Performance with Alex
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About

New episodes every Sunday! Shame is the fear of not being good enough or worthy of connection and belonging. This silent plague keeps us tethered to the performance, focused on external validation and approval versus internal rooting. It can disrupt every relationship, thought, and experience if left unchecked. And it's time we say enough. Join licensed mental health therapist, Kyira Wackett, in the quest to build insight and take meaningful and intentional actions as we untether ourselves from shame. 

Information

  • Creator
    Kyira Wackett
  • Years Active
    2023 - 2026
  • Episodes
    268
  • Rating
    Explicit
  • Copyright
    © Kyira Wackett
  • Show Website
    Untethering Shame

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