Are We There Yet?

RNZ Originals

Parenting is tough. Katy Gosset and psychologist Catherine Gallagher help you navigate the highs and lows of raising great kids today.

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  1. EPISODE 1

    How to talk to children about the March 15 mosque killings

    Following the attacks, parents - who are probably distressed themselves - face the challenge of explaining to kids what happened and why. Katy Gosset looks at what they've been saying. In the wake of the terror attacks in Christchurch, parents - who are probably suffering distress themselves - face the challenge of explaining to their kids what happened and why. Katy Gosset looks at what they've been saying. Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher. 'Three-year-old Sadie* sits on a blanket in North Hagley Park, in the midst of a large crowd. She rustles a bag of chips close to my microphone and clutches her father's arm. She is attending the National Remembrance Day following the 15 March terror attacks in which 51 Muslim worshippers died after being shot at two Christchurch mosques. While she may not be following the speeches from our Prime Minister and members of the Muslim community, her father Michael* says Sadie gets that something big has happened. "She understands that a number of people have died and it's very sad but also that she's safe." Still he's been reluctant to provide too much detail "She clearly knows that something's going on. It's trying to figure out the right amount to tell her really." Seven-year-old Ben* has also been pushing for some answers. His mother Jenny* says he'd heard that a gun was involved in the attacks. "He said, 'Were people killed?' and we said, 'Yes.' Then he wanted to know how many." She was reluctant to give a specific number. "He's seven, so 50, he knows that that's a big number." Her son also asked why it happened. "I didn't really know even where to start with that one." What Jenny 'ended up saying' was that a person who was 'really angry" and who 'hated people' had carried out the killings. Because, like all parents, she had to say something. Clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher said young children initially needed only to hear the basics. "In this case they need to know that something scary happened, that the grown-ups all did what they were supposed to do. People got hurt and we're loving and supporting the people who got hurt to help them through this experience." Ms Gallagher said simplifying things did not mean minimising what had happened and she warned against glossing over the events. However, it was important to let children know the immediate danger had passed… Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

    14 min

  2. EPISODE 2

    Talking to children about the mosque terror attacks - part two

    After the mosque attacks, questions still linger for many children. Katy Gosset asks: how can we help kids who are struggling, and find ways to discuss both racism and other cultures with them? The Christchurch mosque attacks are over but questions still linger for many children. Katy Gosset considers how we check in with kids who are struggling, and looks at the bigger issue of discussing racism and better cultural understanding with children. Listen to the episode here Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher. "It's something she talks about now, about the mosque and the people who've gone." Christchurch father, Simon*, has been discussing the recent terror attacks in Christchurch with his daughter, Maeve*. Three year olds are generally in the throes of potty training, learning pre-school protocols and asking big questions about the world around them, notably, 'Why?' On 15 March 2019, a gunman shot and killed 51 people in two Christchurch mosques, and parents grappled with how to share the terrible news with their children. That's a big 'why?' for anyone to grasp. Now, most of the flowers at the memorial walls have gone and many parents have turned again to school spats, sibling arguments and busy lives. However, clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher said it was still important to keep tabs on how children were coping with what happened. "It's knowing them enough to know how are they doing, are there some changes in their patterns of behaviour? Is their mood a little bit flatter? If those things are happening, it's about being with them and supporting them around what they're going through." She said some children would be able to move on easily. "I think the proof is in the pudding. If kids are doing okay and their routines are back in place and there are no significant changes in terms of personality, then they probably are doing okay." Ms Gallagher said young people who appeared detached from what had happened need not be challenged too robustly. "We don't want to say 'do you know just what a big deal this was?' because that's not helpful." However, she said another way to introduce the topic could be to discuss any casual racism that appeared while watching movies or other media. "You might bring that to their attention because, yes, the child might go, 'oh yeah, whatever, Mum.' But you're kind of putting it out there and it remains a live issue."… Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

    14 min

  3. EPISODE 3

    How to help children manage online gaming

    Online games pull children into a world of bright seductive images and casual violence. Parents can worry that poor social skills or addiction may follow. Katy Gosset asks: how concerned should we be? Online video games have pulled many children into a world of bright seductive images and sometimes casual violence. Some parents are concerned that poor social skills or addiction may follow. Katy Gosset asks: how worried do we need to be? Listen to the episode here Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher. "A darkened room with maybe one teenager or small child, just playing for hours on end ..." It's a vivid picture Anna* paints of the world inhabited by many young people. "They'd be having lots of fun but time would slip away so you'd say, 'Yes, you can have an hour and then, three hours later, they would emerge.'" Rhonda* has also seen her sons spend up to six hours a day fixated on games. "If I knew then what I know now, they wouldn't be in the house." Online gaming has become a big part of many children's lives and many parents are naturally concerned about its impact on family life and socialisation. For clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher, gaming is neither good or bad: what matters is how it's used. "It's about the context around it and it's about how much it's used. So for me it's all about moderation." But the online world was one that needed an adult guide, she said, and parents shouldn't 'just let it be'. "So you don't always have to looking over their shoulder but you have to be engaged and help them navigate through this experience because to leave it up to them is asking for trouble." Gaming should happen in a family room or, if in a bedroom, with the doors open so parents could see what was being watched. "It's saying 'Well, if you want to play that, I'm going to have to observe you playing it to start with just so I can be aware of what's going on.'" "They might say 'Oh Mum!" and you say 'Well, if you want to play it, this is the contract.'" Part of the problem was that, when parents got busy, it was easy to allow the online world to babysit their children. "If children are happy and entertained, well, one hour can very easily become four, as things slide." Ms Gallagher said some parents believed their children should be able to self-manage but she argued that many adults also lacked this skill… Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

    15 min

  4. EPISODE 4

    Helping kids to navigate childhood fears

    Adults can brush off monsters and burglars as the natural anxieties of childhood but for kids the fear is very real. Katy Gosset looks at which worries crop up when and how we can help. Adults can brush off monsters and burglars as the natural anxieties of childhood but for kids the fear is very real. Katy Gosset looks at which worries crop up when and how we can help. Listen to the episode here Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher. Five-year-old Harrison* has been spending a lot of time in his parents' bed. That's because someone else has been lurking in his room. "At the moment monsters are our big thing," his mother Lucy* says. "It's quite a challenging one for us." "They always hide in the dark but as soon as we turn the light on, they're really fast and they disappear." "And, if we turn the lights off, they are back again really fast." John* says, for his six-year-old, Phillip*, it's comic book images that have 'kind of seeped into his brain and stuck there'. "He's started to worry about a lot of things actually. We don't know quite what's stemmed it, but we think there are some images that have been talked about at school which have scared him." Clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher says - reassuringly for parents - that fear is completely natural and necessary and some common fears are hardwired. "So we come into the world thinking things like loud noises, big animals or heights are not good for survival so probably good to be a little bit cautious about them." But Ms Gallagher warns our 'alarm system' that alerts us to something frightening can get 'hacked' by the 'thinking part of our brain', creating fears that may be unfounded. "Through the filter of our thoughts and our experience our alarm system can get tricked into firing, especially for some of us who are genetically a little more vulnerable to being anxious in the first place." So was it fear that people felt in those situations or anxiety? "Fear, by definition, means I'm having that experience of my alarm going off in the presence of something that is actually dangerous. "Anxiety is having an experience of fear in the absence of the thing that is actually dangerous." "So these are actually childhood anxieties." Some young people were more susceptible to these kinds of fears than others as they might have a more sensitive temperament or have parents who were themselves anxious, Ms Gallagher said. … Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

    12 min

  5. EPISODE 5

    How to manage tantrums and meltdowns

    Whatever you want to call it, the rage of toddlers (and sometimes older kids) is hard to handle. Katy Gosset looks at why tantrums happen and how we can teach children to manage their emotions. Whatever you want to call it, the rage of toddlers (and sometimes older kids) is hard to handle. Katy Gosset looks at why tantrums happen and how we can teach children to manage their emotions. Listen to the episode here Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher. When we film or photograph our kids, it's usually the good stuff - highs, smiles and milestones. But one day Jody* filmed her ten-year-old son Andrew* having a tantrum. It was about the usual bone of contention. "Tantrums to do with social media devices are the biggest things in our house," she says. So it was ironic that a device provided a new insight for Andrew when he watched the video back on Jody's phone. "He just was like 'Mum, that's just ridiculous, look at how I am.' "I was like 'I know, 'I know! That was really crazy'." Seeing himself hasn't entirely stopped Andrew's tantrums but Jody feels that allowing her son to experience anger or annoyance was part of preparing him for life. "There are times when I think 'It's actually OK for you to get cross and grumpy ... if I take this off you, because I am your parent...' 'And part of parenting is that I'm going to upset you occasionally." People often feel that tantrums are a bad thing, according to clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher. " that if our kids have one, we're not parenting well enough or we've got something wrong." In fact, meltdowns are crucial for children's development, she believes. "Evolution and development decided long ago that frustration and the resulting tantrum is a necessary part of learning." Toddlers who had yet to develop a 'theory of mind' often throw tantrums because they cannot make themselves understood, Ms Gallagher says. "Theory of mind is when we hold that belief or that knowledge that you and I can think different things." That means a toddler who wants an orange jelly bean will assume her parents know this and become frustrated when her wish isn't granted. "So you can see how if I'm going 'Where is my orange jelly bean?' and 'you're just not getting it Mum,' and I'm getting upset. equals tantrum." A good first step to help children manage their feelings is to label the emotion, Ms Gallagher says… Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

    12 min

  6. EPISODE 6

    Teaching kids to understand disparities in wealth

    Why do some kids get an iphone 10 while others get a no-frills hand me down ? We teach our children that they can do or have anything but sometimes the parental purse says otherwise. Katy Gosset looks at how to help kids navigate financial disparities. Why do some kids get an iphone 10 while others get a no-frills hand me down ? We teach our children that they can do or have anything but sometimes the parental purse says otherwise. Katy Gosset looks at how to help kids navigate financial disparities. Listen to the episode here Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher. Lorraine's* son, Josh* is like most teenage boys: keen to fit in, right down to his footwear. " wouldn't want to be wearing something that was the wrong type of shoe. It wouldn't have to be Nike but if they were all wearing short socks he'd want to be wearing short socks", she said. Some of the wealth he sees around him has also got him wondering about his own family circumstances. "He asked if we were poor because we weren't going overseas like most of his friends were." She had to explain that, while the family could pay its bills, trips abroad would be an occasional treat. And when it came to gaming assets, both her sons could get jealous, Lorraine said. "They say some friend they've got X box and they've got Play Station and why can't they have that?" Clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher says this desire to keep up with the 'in crowd' or even compete with them is a natural part of development. "There's actually an evolutionary drive and it's completely developmentally normal to compete. We compete to fit in." And humans have been at it for a long time. "Going back to cavemen days you were far less likely to be eaten or starve if you were included." She said those who were excluded from the group were much more vulnerable. "So there's a reason why being in the 'us' has some advantages." She believed Darwin's survival of the fittest also played a role. "If I have more than you, then my safety is almost more assured because I have power, I have some control, I have some extra stuff for me." Over time, Ms Gallagher believed life had become even more individual and the communal 'us and them' had morphed into 'you and me' or 'me versus you'. 'So you can see how 'Keeping up with the Joneses', in fact competing with and beating the Joneses has become more important, especially as some resources have become more scarce."… Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

    13 min

  7. EPISODE 7

    Why parents lose the plot and how we can stop doing it

    When parents lose the plot ! Most of us can think of times when we've shouted at our child, ranted and potentially failed as 'Parent of the Year' contestants. Katy Gosset looks at why we lose our rag and what we can do to prevent it Most of us can think of times when we've shouted at our child, ranted and potentially failed as 'Parent of the Year' contestants. Katy Gosset looks at why we lose our rag and what we can do to prevent it. Listen to the episode here Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher. Every so often Annette* imagines being a 'Stepford Wife'. "I wake up every morning and I think 'I'm going to have a day today where I don't yell at everyone. "We're going to have a lovely, happy 'Stepford Wives' day today." She's joking but it's kind of a goal, none the less. "I would love to not lose it. I yell far too much." Because with both high school and primary aged children, life can be intense. "Sometimes I sit in the corner and rock and cry. Occasionally I lock myself in the bathroom and cry, so they don't see it." Clinical psychologist (and mother of two), Catherine Gallagher, is the first to admit that losing your rag can feel good. "You have to admit it, it's bloody satisfying." Like many behaviours parents worried about, having a tantrum was normal, she said. "It's OK to get angry. Our children need to know that their behaviour has an impact and that we're humans and we have negative feelings too." "Our challenge as parents is to try and stay in as much control as possible." Ms Gallagher admitted that in her early, pre-children, days as a psychologist she sometimes struggled to understand the difficulties parents faced in managing children. "I was thinking 'Well, just be calm. This is the plan. Why aren't we doing this?" "Then I had kids of my own." And it all became clear. "I've never yelled at anyone the way I yell at my children." So why do parents get so wound up by their kids? Ms Gallagher said it was helpful to look at the many things that led up to a parental 'tantrum'. Exhibit A was the images of family life, as found in glossy magazines, advertisements and on Facebook "It's all blissful smiles, a look of competence, well behaved children. "In reality it's tiring, hugely challenging and, more often than not, our children are covered in mud or snot or staring at us in defiance. That's actually the stuff of life."… Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

    13 min

  8. EPISODE 8

    How and when to talk to kids about pornography

    Porn is everywhere and very available. You can bet your child has come across it somewhere online - or will soon. Katy Gosset asks: how do we work through our own awkwardness and start conversations about it with our kids? Pornography is everywhere and more children are seeing it than ever before. Katy Gosset looks at why we need to talk to kids about porn and how we start the conversation. Listen to the episode here Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher. Rhonda* is the only woman in her household "Even the ruddy dog is male." And with two teenage sons, she's learnt to be open about the topics that come up including sex or body image. Although it's fallen to her husband to field the trickier questions about penis size. "Well, they see things and then they go, 'What's normal?'" Some of those things teenage boys are seeing are unrealistic images of both bodies and sexual behaviour portrayed in increasingly pervasive online pornography. Rhonda's son, Nate*, was encouraged to view pornography by a more mature friend and was embarrassed when his mother discovered it on his computer. Rhonda and her husband explained that pornography didn't depict real relationships and it wasn't appropriate for him to view sexual material until he was sexually active. But, at least they're talking about it. Eliza's* teenage boys simply don't want to know. "I've had that kind of conversation but, you know, they just go, 'Aarrhhh, I don't want to hear that from you.' So those conversations are very short. It's very much in passing." Clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher, said talking about pornography with children was vital. "My main message to you is at least have these discussions with your kids." "They're going to be traversing these issues as they develop so to leave them to sort it out for themselves might be a really risky strategy." Ms Gallagher said the discussion should be part of the broader conversation about sex and positive sexuality rather than a topic in isolation. "This can help children see where your values come from and can give them some anchor points to form their own opinions from." It was important not to convey viewpoints too rigidly as Ms Gallagher said children were unlikely to start a conversation about a topic they believed was taboo for a parent. "If I have such a strong emotional response to why porn is wrong or porn is right, a child knowing that's not a conversation to start up." … Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

    14 min
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Parenting is tough. Katy Gosset and psychologist Catherine Gallagher help you navigate the highs and lows of raising great kids today.

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