Slap Hands! Fantasy Football Podcast

The Commish
  • 5.0 (8)
  • Sports
  • Updated Semiweekly

In lieu of weekly emails, the Slap Hands! Fantasy Football commissioner Brandon and league-mate Ben decided to record a podcast. This pod will recap the draft, highlight the week that was, look ahead to what's next, and even rip owners for their stupid decisions. And who knows, maybe you'll actually learn something about managing your fantasy football team.

Episodes

  1. 4d ago

    The Commish & Mouse Rat Are Officially F*cked | Slap Hands 9.03

    Six games. Zero wins. The Official Slap Hands Fantasy Football Podcast returns for Week 3 with the only two people qualified to host it: the two worst teams in the f*****g league. The 0-3 Commish is joined by the 0-3 mouse rat as the boys officially take up residence in the Slap Hands basement and begin asking the important questions: Is fantasy football entirely luck? Are the schedule makers conspiring against us? And how many consecutive weeks can Ben Mace score exactly 72 points? Turns out the answer to that last one is two because the rat EXPLODED for 73 POINTS this week. Progress! The Commish had his best showing of the year with 119 points but lost by four to The Godfather after a Loveland touchdown disappeared into the ether and a 50-yard Saquon run was erased by a holding penalty. He would've beaten seven other teams. He beat none of them. So f**k it. The Commish is officially open for business. Let the fire sale begin. Things are somehow even bleaker for the mouse rat, who lost 95-73 to Uncle Rico and now sits dead last in points scored AND first in points allowed. Through three weeks, Mace has scored 72, 72 and 73 points, a level of consistency normally reserved for room-temperature IQ tests. But misery loves company. Bucky McBadbat dropped 148 points and LOST because he ran into the All Day buzzsaw, which hung 171.94 behind monster performances from Bijan and JSN. Greggy would've beaten every other team in the league, leading noted fantasy philosopher Benjamin Frederick Mace to remind us all: dems da breaks. Show Me Your Tets improves to an inexplicable 3-0 after winning a disgusting 101-99 rock fight. Red Sox Nation Esq. moves to 2-1 and begins his revenge tour against the IC dweebs who mocked his draft. Cool Alex celebrated his honeymoon by presumably making babies instead of submitting a quote. And Jane's An Addiction remains undefeated after scoring just 96 points against The Moops, who left nearly 30 points from Matthew Stafford sitting on the bench and lost by 26. Whoops. Meanwhile, All Day takes home the Week 3 high-score money, The Commish and rat are somehow BOTH 8-4 picking games despite being incapable of winning their own, and Week 4 brings the possibility of something truly historic: Two podcast hosts. Two 0-4 teams. The Commish gets the league's hottest team in All Day, while mouse rat enters the Battle of the Winless against 3AM Bottle Service. Someone has to win. Probably. The Commish is selling. The rat is dying. Jane keeps coming out on top. The Red Sox are surging. All Day is a wagon. And Mace finally broke 72. Slap Hands: the only fantasy football podcast hosted by two people who should absolutely not be giving fantasy football advice.

  2. Sep 23

    Two Hosts. Four Losses. Zero Dignity. | Slap Hands 9.02

    Two weeks. Two losses for The Commish. Two losses for the mouse rat. Four combined losses and absolutely zero reason for either of these assholes to be hosting a fantasy football podcast. Welcome to Episode 2 of Season 9 of Slap Hands, where The Commish and Benny Mace arrive angry, defeated and dangerously close to going scorched earth on the entire league. The Commish actually improved this week, exploding for a whopping 102 points before Jane’s An Addiction beat him down like a rented mule. Saquon, Loveland and George Pickens continue to do jack shit, but hey, at least 102 points looks pretty good when you sit next to the rat. Because somehow, for the SECOND STRAIGHT WEEK, Benny Mace ran directly into one of the highest-scoring teams in the league. Bucky McBadbat dropped 161.98 on the rat, including a combined 76.8 POINTS FROM CEEDEE LAMB AND DAVANTE ADAMS ALONE. Those two men outscored Mace’s entire team. The final score: 162-72. There are HR violations less humiliating than this. Elsewhere around Slap Hands, The Moops improves to the softest 2-0 in league history while cleaning human feces out of twin toddlers’ underwear, Cool Alex celebrated his wedding day by setting up chairs and admitting his fantasy team blows, and Smiley Alex continues his quest for the first back-to-back Slap Hands championships behind the absolute wagon that is JSN. Show Me Your Tets somehow won an 85-81 pillow fight because, as Nicky so eloquently reminds us, he loves t**s. Uncle Rico went from 180 points to 81 because fantasy football is stupid. And Hank finally brought some dignity to the prestigious Red Sox Nation Esq. franchise, hanging 150 on 3AM Bottle Service while Rukes suffered his second consecutive week of having a metaphorical s*****m rubbed across his face. We also briefly interrupt the fantasy football podcast so The Commish can have a completely healthy and proportionate meltdown about the Pittsburgh Steelers organization. Plus: Bucky takes home Week 2’s high-score money, we dig through the waiver-wire trash heap, the rat celebrates a stunning 5-1 prediction record, and the boys make their Week 3 picks, including the possibility that Mace and The Commish could both be staring directly into the cold, dead eyes of an 0-3 start. The Commish sucks. The rat sucks worse. Hank likes the Red Sox. Jane has voluptuous breasts. The Moops can’t stop cleaning up shit. And somehow Yahoo thinks we have a Matchup of the Week. Slap Hands is so f*****g back.

  3. Sep 16

    We're baaaaaaaack! Draft and Week 1 Recap | Slap Hands 9.01

    The Slap Hands Fantasy Football Podcast is BACK for Season 9, proving once again that friendship, marriage and basic human decency are no match for a fake football league between 12 aging idiots. The Commish and mouse rat return to break down a Week 1 that could not have gone much worse for either host. The Commish vomited up a league-low 62 points, while the rat somehow topped that embarrassment by losing by 99 F*****G POINTS to the defending champ. Great start, boys. Meanwhile, Uncle Rico told Yahoo to shove its F draft grade directly up its algorithm by dropping a league-high 180.96 points, Caleb Williams became God, Kyle Pitts and Colston Loveland combined to emotionally destroy both hosts, and Jane’s An Addiction and The Godfather provided further evidence that fantasy football requires absolutely zero intelligence to succeed. Elsewhere, The Moops is trying to potty train twin feral two-year-olds, 3 AM Bottle Service feels like he was punched in the dick by a tiger, Nicky survived despite drafting a kicker and defense way too early, Greggy Leggy apparently didn’t know the season started, and Hank celebrated his first official week as the proud owner of Red Sox Nation Esq. by getting his balls waxed by his younger cousin. Plus: The Commish continues his completely rational and not-at-all-unhinged war against kickers, we examine whether The Commish’s historically s****y Week 1 performances are actually a championship omen, the boys hit the waiver wire, and Week 2 predictions are made with the confidence of two men who just scored 134 combined points. Season 9 is here. Kickers still exist. The Commish is already furious. The rat is already getting blown out. Hank is a Red Sox fan. Nature is healing. Welcome back to Slap Hands.

  • 3 Episodes

5
out of 5
8 Ratings

About

In lieu of weekly emails, the Slap Hands! Fantasy Football commissioner Brandon and league-mate Ben decided to record a podcast. This pod will recap the draft, highlight the week that was, look ahead to what's next, and even rip owners for their stupid decisions. And who knows, maybe you'll actually learn something about managing your fantasy football team.

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