I found her on YouTube and followed links. I think she’s pretty young and a lot of the vernacular is in line with what I consider “new age hokum”. How many calm and serene voices have I heard promising enlightening and awakening? It sounds crazy, but it was like I saw something in her eye that told me young or not, she’s been there, she knows the place I’m in, but there was also something joyful there and every once in a while she giggles at her own thoughts or choices of words and in spite of my own jaded self, something inside of me relaxed and listened. I found myself truly listening, not to he choice of words and not judging where she learned them, but instead I moved past that and listened to her thoughts and her feelings and what she was trying to tell me she’s learned and how she resurfaced after the dive I’m now quite certain she’s taken at least once. I found myself arguing thoughts and disagreeing and saying, “I can’t do that” a LOT! And then I let those things go and said, “maybe those aren’t meant for me yet. Maybe they WILL apply in time but the time is simply not now. What applies now?” And I listened for that. I’m NOT like this, but my world is chaos and I find myself loathing every corner lately, something inside of me says that’s just not how it should be. I’m certain that my attitude has devolved to such a point that I am nearly incapable of recognizing beautiful things around me and it has me feeling like a source of poison to others. I have no desire to hurts others or to be a destructive force, but I feel as if this is who I am now, and so I hate that and I blame myself and I don’t know how to change it. That said, there is something very powerful within her, her soul, or spirit or whatever, and if you try to find the real message, and not get caught up on the unimportant pieces or the pieces that don’t fit yet, I think you will recognize the she is on a path you envy, and she’s finding an inner peace we all crave. I love that she embraces humanity and doesn’t leave me feeling like I’m below her or “unenlightened”, but that I already am this being I wish to be, I’m just currently blinded to it and so I’m behaving poorly. Take some time for yourself and listen undisturbed. I’m currently binging her 😂. I’m not sure what’s next or what to expect or what I can apply in MY life, but I DO feel a little better, and if I feel better, perhaps I’ll act better, perhaps I’ll be less apt to find everything stressful and maybe appreciates thing or two and maybe that’s the simple recipe she’s teaching, to not get caught up on what is and what I believe is SUPPOSED to be and to look past it instead. To pass through it. To experience it and instead of being overwhelmed and shut down afterwards, to allow myself to be open to other experiences that might then cleanse my palate or help me find ways to move beyond the point I’m trapped in now and move closer to the type of life I’d welcome, and to be a better man. She talks about compassion for herself and loving herself and I admit I truly envy that. She talks about learning the lessons you’re meant to learn now so that you don’t find yourself in more and more severe situations and experiencing the same Hellish things, I relate to that and I think that’s what’s been tripping me up. The verbiage is something you’ll either embrace or it will irritate you, but seriously, try to move past the words and listen to what she’s trying to say, she has a lot to share if you’re willing to accept.
