Thriving Through Trauma

Katie Tougas

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Health & Fitness

Using Pain To Reclaim Your Power!!

05/28/2021

When Life Throws You Curve Balls and Procrastination Ensues

Aaaaand two years later… ? This second episode is a continuation of what I started in February of 2019. I released the first episode and promptly fell into more trauma including a car accident, sexual assault at work, and a nasty lingering break-up. I do not go into detail about WHAT caused me to lose my momentum, but rather WHY and HOW one deters from their intended path in the first place. This episode touches on procrastination, self-sabotage, neuroplasticity, the four stages of competence, the three stages of trauma recovery, and more… Thank you for you patience with me in this release, technology was attacking me the entire time I tried to record this – so I hope you enjoy!! Episode 2 Transcript: Alright. Let’s scratch everything I had pre-written for this episode because, since March 2019, when I initially started writing this one… guess what? LIFE HIT ME AGAIN WITH ANOTHER CURVE BALL THAT I WASN’T READY FOR… and then another… and then another… and now it’s been over two years. Who can relate? Who else feels like every time they embark on something new or get settled into something that they are actually happy with – that SOME OUTSIDE FORCE has it in for them and uproots any plans they had in place? WELL YOU’RE RIGHT… to an extent. How would you feel if I told you that you did have SOME control over your external reality? You may not be able to control the events that occur around you or the other people in your life, but you can control your reaction to them – you can control what is happening WITHIN you. It IS POSSIBLE to get to a place where you can essentially choose your emotional response to something outside of yourself, even if you may not feel like you are there right now. Now, I’m not saying it’s EASY to get to this place, or that one can get to it overnight – everyone’s process and journey is different, and everyone learns at a different pace. Heck, I’m still recalibrating my own system – and I’ve improved significantly!! Look, I’m actually writing again… Regardless, when you’re trying to learn how to control or at the very least, UNDERSTAND this part of yourself, it is almost inevitable that procrastination will ensue due to your lack of personal emotional control and intrinsic understanding. Or maybe your intrinsic understanding has been established to such a degree that you simply stop yourself because you know that sharing yourself in this new way will show your vulnerability and humanness to others? I’m here to share with you that, THAT, that vulnerability is exactly what this world needs right now – to know and see that vulnerability and humanness is okay. We have been dehumanized as a collective and we inadvertently have done this to ourselves because we were operating on a lower level of consciousness. We’re waking up. We are stepping into our individual alignments, but we are fragmented and are still trying to control parts of ourselves that rebel against any threat that seems to be trying to take away their autonomy – we are rebelling against ourselves due to a misguided sense of self-love. Self-sabotage isn’t real, but I’ll get into detail on that in a later episode. I digress, I’m going to stop using the word control for a moment because I can feel this resistance coming up within me as I write. There is a part inside of myself that resists doing what I know is in alignment with myself because in the past, I have been shamed for doing what I enjoy. So, as a result, as soon as I start doing what I enjoy… I find some way to have it shut down either by placing blame on things or those around me or by distracting myself with an activity that I think would be more productive in the bigger picture or better for someone else, for that moment… In doing this, I keep getting myself stuck and surrounded by feelings, environments, and people that feel – familiar, but I recognize don’t necessarily meet my needs because I don’t feel good when I experience and embrace these things. Calling myself out here. This part that is resistant to me experiencing the joy I have cultivated for myself through writing, art and science, or teaching… is the same part that struggled with feelings of self-worth or was denied innocence and wonder while growing up. Complacency and apathy become an easier option when one is so psychologically exhausted from a single or series of trauma. In terms of complex trauma diagnoses, this pattern can then get confused for general anxiety, therapy-resistant depression, or a multitude of other mental health issues – I’ll elaborate on this in future episodes as well. It’s a vicious cycle of “self-sabotage” that leads to procrastination, a lack of motivation, and feelings of worthlessness because you can feel yourself choosing not to act or care – because it’s familiar… and easy. However, once you’re in awareness, you CAN make this cycle work FOR you instead. This starts by recognizing the protection mechanism at play in this cycle and you are not actually turning against yourself in those moments, instead – your fragmented system is trying to cultivate safety – all parts of yourself are simply trying to cultivate safety. Intro This cycle that I’m referring to usually begins with an event or setback in your external reality, one seemingly out of your control. The way you choose respond will determine how this cycle will roll out. I’m not going to pretend I invented these cycles, as anyone who has done any personal development will be familiar with the TFAR cycle and Big Mo – your thoughts attract your feelings which determine the action you will take, thus giving you your results. In basic terms, it is the Law of Cause and Effect. Big Mo refers to Momentum or Newton’s First Law – where an object at rest tends to stay at rest, or if in motion will stay in motion, unless acted upon by an outside force. Now, an individual who has suffered through and survived something traumatic will usually respond in an almost automated or obedient way, until they gain awareness of their pattern and can start stabilizing themselves through support groups, creative outlets, psychotherapy, and LOTS of internal “shadow work”. This cycle can occur with events that are supposedly positive as well, such as getting engaged/married, buying a house, or having a baby. Allow me to explain my version of the TFAR cycle in terms of complex PTSD. EVENT → “NEGATIVE” EMOTION/LOGIC → PROCRASTINATION → PANIC/STAGNANCY The negative emotions and logical process that I’m referring to are usually coming from an automated subconscious area of our psyche that allows us to tell ourselves that what occurred is our faults. That the event in question was unavoidable and we DESERVED it; for many of us survivors, this pathway in our brains would have been created during our development as children when we were too young discern what was happening to us. That an abuser decided to abuse someone vulnerable or well-meaning loved ones were acting from their own wounding, rather than anything we inherently did. We can end up taking ownership of the situation, rather than observing it from a third-party perspective and are unable to detach. Either that, or we are TOO detached and can enter a place of denial when the trauma is too much to accept that it’s reality, so we essentially dissociate from any responsibility and become apathetic. In either case, it leads to the self-sabotaging act of procrastination. Then, we either panic and are unable to take decisive action because of how ungrounded and guilty we feel from blaming ourselves for what happened or, we reach a point of stagnancy from simply not wanting to accept the event. We find ourselves in a downward and unmotivated spiral of terribleness and darkness that seems to never lighten up. Like Newton’s First Law, you are at rest or the event that has occurred as placed you at rest. What we never really understand until we become aware of it, is that WE are the force that will get us moving again. Sure, we can find motivation or inspiration from things like podcasts, books, or whatever else humans decided to create and share – but WE are the only thing that will actually make a difference by the actions we choose to take, and the feelings we choose to feel. I’m going to take a moment for a quick disclaimer regarding the “feelings we choose to feel” that I just stated. I do understand how it feels to not be in control of your feelings and I want you to understand that when your nervous system is fragmented, it can be very difficult to connect to the original part of you that a particular emotion is coming from without the help of a therapist or safe loved one. If you are struggling with emotional regulation, reach out to me for a free 15-minute consultation and I will either work with you to create a plan that we can work together on, or point you in the right direction for your individual needs. To get back on topic, choosing to want to change will attract to us the necessary tools that will help elicit that change. It really is up to us though – everything is – when you allow other people or situations to control how you respond; you are literally taking away your own power and CHOOSING to be the victim. That’s the message I tried to get across in my first episode. You can be an actual victim of circumstance, yes that is the reality of the event that occurred, but how you respond and attach yourself to the situation is what will determine if you are actually a victim. I want to stress how sorry I am that what happened, happened. You didn’t deserve it, you have never deserved anything aside from love, safety, and support. Please see that we are in this together. I also want to say before I move on, that if you’re here and you’re recognizing that this is your cycle – THAT’S OKAY, THERE IS NOTHING WRO
02/15/2019

Welcome to Thriving Through Trauma

So I finally got this uploaded! This first episode is a concise summary of my plans for this project… It is starting out as an audio journal for myself to document my insights from my own trauma-based psychotherapy, in order for me to stay more grounded and present in my daily life. If what I share happens to help even one person, then my work here is done. Who knows what this will turn into in the coming months and years, but that is the most exciting (and terrifying) part of all this! Personally, my challenges stem from complex post-traumatic stress disorder or CPTSD, but other mental health topics will be discussed. In addition, I’ll try my best to provide tools and real-life examples that have been working for me through my healing process thus far! Eventually, interviews and various other conversation topics (including metaphysics, spirituality, quantum theory, and neuroscience) will be integrated into the story that will come from this endeavour. For now, let us work on re-establishing safety and stability within ourselves to overcome dysregulation in our daily interactions – together 🙂 Episode 1 Transcript: Hi there everyone! I’m going to be cliché and start this off with a quote: It just occurred to me that many people in this world are actually afraid to heal because their entire identity is centered around the trauma they’ve experienced. They have no idea who they are outside of trauma and that unknown can be terrifying. Google tells me that is from Ebonee Davis – my apologies if that is incorrect, aha. So… I guess I’m finally recording this thing. Wow. I wonder what the determining motivational factor was that prompted me to actually take action after all these months of… we’ll call it planning? Mmm.. no, healing, but don’t be fooled – I’m still healing. Maybe I genuinely just want to relate to and help people. Maybe I needed a place to vent and express myself that wasn’t as private as a journal and more efficient than painting or sketching like I used to… Maybe I’m curious to see if this too, will blow up in my face. Or rather, that it will be a face-slapping success. That’s the part that scares me. Maybe I finally got so fed up with the b******t I was allowing into and creating for my life, that I just had to say that enough is enough and move in a new direction for my own sake. Or maybe it’s only when things get so dark around and inside of you, that you have no other choice than to figure out how to turn on your light within. The only thing that I know is certain is that I am goddamn terrified to release this or any subsequent episodes because I have never authentically loved myself in public before. Too late now, I guess… Intro Firstly, HELLO LISTENERS! I’m Katie and this is my podcast: Thriving Through Trauma, using pain to reclaim your power. What a happy accident that you have stumbled onto my new personal project. I’m genuinely super grateful that you have chosen to give me a chance. Thank you. I would like to tell you that all my episodes won’t start out as existentially-questioning as this one did, but that would be making false promises to you – which isn’t fair to either of us. It is almost like I am constantly experiencing an existential crisis, perhaps you are too, and that is why you’re listening to my voice. I’m not going to lie, I am in the middle of my healing journey (hence the title of this podcast) and because of that – this project might have a rather messy start and then simply remain messy. I’m not sure, but however it turns out, it will be beautiful. There is much I have already worked through in regard to my trauma/past/life experience/childhood wounds (whatever you want to call it, really), but there is still much more that I am working towards integrating and grounding within myself. Eh, we’ll see what happens! Let’s be honest, you must have had some idea that this wouldn’t be all sunshine, rainbows, puppies, and kittens… I mean, it’s in the title – you’re here, listening to my voice because you have been through, are in, or have transcended some sort of traumatic experience in your life. Or perhaps you’re one of the lucky few who haven’t and you’re curious, bored, or listening for some other personal or perhaps educational reason. Whatever brought you here, I’m glad to be in your ear. While we are being honest, I have no idea what you should expect from this podcast in terms of feeling, content, anything, really. Chances are, you will experience a variety of emotion and certainly not all of them will make you feel triumphant. However, I do hope to help you see the light in all experiences and emotion that does arise and the potential purpose of it all. Either way, if either of us have expectations of what this will become – then I’m sure we’ll both be disappointed. Alas – I digress, I did post a video back in August explaining what my purpose for this podcast was, but then a slight hiccup occurred, and I had to rebrand and rename all previous efforts and start from scratch. So, this episode will be a reiteration of that video that has since been taken down, so that new listeners can understand why this exists in the first place, and my returning audience can hear it again. Repetition is key after all because maybe there’s something you heard the first time that didn’t or won’t resonate with you until later. Either way, I am telling all of you now that you may not be comfortable with how raw, authentic, and vulnerable I will be with this project. Some of the topics I discuss might TRIGGER you (or myself for that matter) … Good, let them do that and let’s allow ourselves to be triggered. For it is when we are triggered that we may discover areas of our psyche that need our attention, love, and light in order to transcend and heal. It is only when we resist that trigger rather than embracing it for what it is and then letting it go, that it will persist. I think that goes for most things though… Personally, I find that the only things that matter in this world are those that have come out of pain and trauma – whether it be personal or global. The depth at which we can love one another is also reflective of our pain and trauma as individuals and a collective. Music, poetry, art, scientific innovation, philosophy; it is all wonderful and so much of it has come out of the desire to improve situations and feelings for all of us. Okay, guys. This podcast will be a nice little soup of personal accounts and insights from my own psychotherapy sessions as I work to heal my complex PTSD, eventual neuroscientific detail and explanation regarding the healing process of CPSTD and other dissociative disorders, eventually some interviews with other individuals whom have transformed their own trauma into what triumph is for them, and a variety of other ingredients just to spice things up every once in a while! Those ingredients range from various scientific and quantum theories, to belief systems, to complete nonsense. As with our healing process, we have an unpredictable road of exploration ahead. This project has a few different purposes. Firstly, it is to be an activity for myself that allows me to maintain presence in the moment and attain calmness within by providing me an outlet to get in deeper touch with myself, so I can improve my recollection of the occurrences in my life. I had been finding that I was losing moments, days, weeks at a time before I started documenting my thoughts. Second, it is for you, whomever may be listening; to help awaken you to what you might need to heal within yourself, along with provide you the courage to get the help you know that you need deep down. Whether that help is sought after through psychotherapy, close friends and family, listening to this podcast, or any other modality in combination with your own inner reflection, I want you to know that you are not alone even though it might feel like it at times. Countless other human beings have been exactly where you and I are, wherever that may be. Today we keep trying to suppress and eradicate suffering, but in that attempt, we are also losing so much of the experiences that make us who we are. This leads to miscommunication between each other, misunderstanding of ourselves and others, and mis-expression of self-love or a misguided sense of self-worth. The fact of the matter is, that as a collective, we live in a 3-dimensional reality of suffering and duality. Now, remember what I said about resistance and persistence? That same concept applies to our collective reality and your suffering as a human being. It is impossible to shut off completely, so what can we do? If we cannot eradicate our pain, how are we ever supposed to heal ourselves and by consequence, this planet? From my experience – taking personal responsibility for what your life has been, is, and will be – is the first step. Now, before you say, “… But Katie! How is what happened to me in my past my fault? I didn’t ask for what happened to happen, you’re stupid. This is stupid. I’m turning this off, you can’t possibly understand what I’ve been through. You are 100% correct. What other people did or didn’t do to you, says so much more about them and their wounds that it will ever say about you. That is not the point I’m trying to make… All the pain that we have experienced is ours to own and all feelings you have experienced from that pain and trauma are completely valid. It is impossible for us to change the past, but what we do have the power to change is the meaning we have given it along with what we choose to do with those past experiences. Okay, so what do I mean? Basically, suppressing or trying to eliminate your emotional pain will not serve you because, like I said before my intro began, “maybe it is only when things get so dark around and inside of you

2 Episodes

Using Pain To Reclaim Your Power!!

Creator

Katie Tougas
Years Active

2019 - 2021
Episodes

2
Rating

Explicit
Copyright

© Katie Tougas
Show Website

Thriving Through Trauma