Toxic family patterns travel though generations until someone decides to take the brave and painful step to end it. My name is Tami and my cohost is LW. We are ordinary people sharing what we have learned in hopes to inspire other ordinary people to wake up, heal, laugh and find their own path to healing. We are not life coaches. We are not licensed therapists. We keep it raw and real and want to the be the voice of the unheard and take the subject of emotional abuse more seriously than we take ourselves...and we use bad words. I hit rock bottom in 2014. It was a painful process to understand and accept that my parents (and my grandparents) were not good people that act bad sometimes, but sadly bad people that act good sometimes. For the last 100 + years, my family lived lives filled with rage, blame, greed, rejection, abandonment, shame, guilt and lies while pretending everything was fine. On my healing journey, I faced the emotionally toxic ties between myself and my ancestors that caused both sides of my family to in denial and to live false unhappy lives. Until a few short years ago, I could not answer the question "Who am I? Breaking free from poisonous (and invisible) familial chains was difficult and resulted in an identity crisis and total collapse - more than once. To mourn the childhood I deserved and didn't get as well as mourning the loss of people who are still alive was and continues to be life defining. My healing journey resulted in dozens of AHA! moments and I ended up discovering that my existence was dictated and controlled, both consciously and unconsciously, by a long history of emotional abuse and neglect. I learned about self-compassion and about the role I played in my own misery. My journey, has led to a podcast and book both called The Stuck Stops Here, as well as writing lyrics for 2 music albums. My life purpose is to engage, entertain, inform and inspire anyone seeking validation, healing and compassion. Content and lyrics created by author, Tami Atman. Podcast and music produced by LW Nolie.
Karma Delivers and it Sucks
When narcissistic parents starts ageing, people eventually see through the false charm and see the person for who they really are. Their behavior tends to get worse with the passage of time. As time takes its toll on their looks and their health they painfully realize that admiration is a thing of the past. Time has taken its toll. Narcissistic parents are immature, angry, volatile and controlling. Sadly, their parenting was not nurturing but a dictatorship where they have all the power and control. Eventually, their children get sick and tired of their behavior and reduce or eliminate contact. Much like a drug addict without their supply, the narcissist can’t cope when supplies become scarce and run out. They become chronically depressed and angry and find no pleasure in anything and become more demanding and worse by the day. Narcissists love the idea of family and take comfort they have a reliable support system...which means knowing that they have people who enable, embrace and justify their selfish behavior. Narcissists see love as very one-sided and not as a genuine experience of connection, empathy, and warmth.
"The Tide Is High " is a 1967 song written by John Holt. Used for entertainment purposes only.
Bigger! Better! Faster! More! Now!
All-or-nothing thinking is a a cognitive distortion. Cognitive meaning the way you understand, think, and perceive. And Distortion meaning misleading or irrational. All-or-nothing thinking and fear of failure paved a perfect path to perfectionism. I was raised with impossibly high expectations that I could never meet and as miserable as that made me, it was familiar, so I stayed on that poison path for far too long and continuously moved the goalposts for myself. I still cringe when I recall my flawless execution in my attempts to control everything. I over-planned, freaked out when things don’t go according to my plan, obsessed over small details and catastrophized everything. I was addicted to friction as if perpetual struggling was my sole purpose here on earth. Believing that I had power over people and situations was abusive both to myself and the people around me.
" For What It's Worth (Stop, Hey What's That Sound) " is a song written by Stephen Stills. USED FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES
Now You See Me. Now You Don't.
Object Constancy is a cognitive skill we acquire at around 2 years old and is defined as the ability to maintain an emotional bond with others, even where there is distance and conflict. In adulthood, Object Constancy allows us to trust that our bond with those who are close to us remains whole even when they are not physically present. We understand that absence does not mean disappearance or abandonment, only temporary distance. Babies that are instilled with object constancy develop secure attachment and cultivate sense of trust from within themselves, rather than relying on constant reassurances from external resources.
Children with no object constancy are plagued with an intense fear of abandonment. If we experienced severe early preverbal attachment trauma, and have extremely distracted, chaotic and emotionally unavailable caregivers, our emotional development is stunted and we never had the opportunity to develop Object Constancy leading to Fear of Abandonment.
Right Back Where We Started From " is a song written by Pierre Tubbs and J. Vincent Edwards. USED FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES.
Be Silent and Obey the System 🤫
Toxic family rules live at the center of a dysfunctional family system and are designed to keep secrets hidden, enable abuse, keep children in line and avoid responsibility while also preventing safety, growth and connection. Toxic family dynamics can have far-reaching impact on our lives as adults. Children of toxic parents are emotionally starved. The family dynamic functions around the needs, wants, desires, and chaos of the parent. Children are viewed as objects, things to be controlled, used and manipulated. There is no amount of storytelling we can do that will be more powerful than the societal standard held to never separate from family. We live with a grief not accepted or understood by society.
Parody of Our Lips Are Sealed by Jane Wiedlin, and Terry Hall used for entertainment purposes only.
3 Miserable Musts and 8 Destructive Beliefs (Dr. Albert Ellis)
Albert Ellis, who is considered the 2nd most influential psychotherapist in history died in 2007 and believed psychological problems are due to pervasive patterns of irrational thought. It is not events that create emotional states, but the way we interpret them. Chronic unhappiness is not caused directly by adversity but by us, it is our irrational beliefs and thoughts that cause suffering. He said “There are three musts that hold us back: I must do well. You must treat me well. And the world must be easy”. These 3 musts are illogical, they distort reality, prevents us from achieving goals, lead to self-sabotaging behavior and makes us miserable. Life is not fair, and things don’t go as planned. We cannot control everything all the time. Albert Ellis explained the emotionally mature individual should completely accept the fact that we live in an unpredictable world and there will never be any absolute certainties. The emotionally intelligent person knows that it is not always horrible when things don’t go as planned. If we choose to stay addicted to certainty, our perception of and reaction to life experiences will be self-defeating and counterproductive.
“Something happened to us a long time ago. It happened more than once. It hurt us. We protected ourselves the only way we knew how. We are still protecting ourselves. It isn’t working anymore.” ― John C. Friel, Adult Children Secrets of Dysfunctional Families: The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families
“recovery is a process rather than an event.”
― John C. Friel, Adult Children Secrets of Dysfunctional Families
Millions of people grew up in alcoholic homes. But what about the rest of us? What about families that had no alcoholism, but did have perfectionism, workaholism, compulsive overeating, intimacy problems, depression, problems in expressing feelings, plus all the other personality traits that can produce a toxic family system much like an alcoholic one? Millions of us struggle with these kinds of dysfunctions every day, and falsely believe we are alone.
Self-Love Recovery Institute: (selfloverecovery.com)
Truth and humor
I am entertained and comforted by this podcast. Raw, real and funny. Keep it up!
Good podcast. Please fix audio- way too quiet
The content is great but audio is too quiet even cranked way up.
Very informative and authentic podcast 🌟
Right from the first time I listened to the podcast, I found myself recognizing and identifying with many emotions mentioned. Even though I’ve been to therapy and I understand and learned to reconcile, I was surprised to see and connect some dots I never saw before. Very informative and authentic podcast. Thank you!!!