Let's Talk About Love, Sex & Infidelity

Todd Creager
  • 5.0 (12)
  • Mental Health
  • Weekly

Todd Creager is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and relationship coach with over 30 years of experience helping couples build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. In this podcast, Todd talks openly about love, sex, and infidelity with married and long-term couples who want real answers. Drawing from decades in practice, he shares practical advice, relatable stories, and honest guidance to help you work through challenges and create the relationship you actually want. Whether you're dealing with communication breakdowns, intimacy issues, trust after infidelity, or just want to reconnect with your partner, Todd's warm, no-nonsense approach gives you tools you can use right away.

  1. 6d ago

    #290 Why Your Numbing Behaviors Show Up at the Same Moment Every Time

    You quit drinking, and suddenly you can’t stop eating. You put the phone down, and the anxiety becomes unbearable. Maybe it’s the wine after a fight with your partner. Maybe it’s the fridge when loneliness hits, or two hours of scrolling the minute you get home from work, right when it’s time to slow down and be together. It looks like a food problem, a drinking problem or a phone problem, and you’ve probably tried to fix it with willpower. Step back far enough and you’ll notice something. The behavior always shows up at the same emotional moment. The substance or the screen changes. The timing doesn’t. In Internal Family Systems (IFS) terms, these numbing behaviors are different firefighters all doing the same job. Here’s what I walk through: What a firefighter part is. It’s the protective part of you that rushes in when emotional pain rises and puts the fire out by getting you away from the feeling entirely.What it’s protecting. Underneath every firefighter is an exile, a wounded part carrying pain from the past that you pushed out of awareness in order to survive.Why quitting one numbing behavior so often starts another. The firefighter lost its tool, but the exile’s pain is still there, so your system finds a new way to manage it. I’ve had clients stop drinking and start vaping, and it happens many times.The question that actually matters. It was never how to stop the behavior. It’s what the exile is carrying that makes the firefighter’s job feel so necessary.How your Self, with a capital S, helps the firefighters stand down. That’s the part of you that can be loving, present, curious and compassionate, and it can be with the wounded part in a way no amount of willpower can.I also share the story of a man whose wife felt he was never available in the evenings. He’d come home, eat dinner and go straight to video games. He grew up watching his parents fight, and a younger part of him was still carrying that fear and helplessness. Coming home meant risking saying the wrong thing, so he went where he was successful. Once he could be with that younger part, using IFS alongside EMDR, it all quieted down. He still plays video games, but now he’s choosing to. His wife feels important and supported again, and she understands his distance was never about her. If you recognize yourself or your partner in this, I offer a 20-minute phone consultation for individuals and couples. You can reach me through toddcreager.com. CHAPTERS   (00:00) The firefighter part and how it puts out emotional pain  (01:00) Why video games, food and alcohol aren’t the real problem  (02:00) Why the timing is always the same, and what an exile is  (03:00) Why cutting off one behavior shifts the problem somewhere else  (04:00) The real question, and the story of a man who escaped into gaming  (05:00) Turning toward the wounded part with Self  (07:00) Choosing instead of reacting, and how EMDR and IFS work together If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

  2. Oct 19

    #289 Porn Addiction and the Firefighter Part: An IFS Approach to Recovery

    Why does porn addiction keep coming back, even after a sincere promise to stop? Most people who struggle with porn try to quit through willpower. They white-knuckle it. They install blockers. They promise themselves, and sometimes their partner, that this time will be different. Then a bad day hits, or a fight, or a wave of loneliness, and the part of them that reaches for porn fires faster than the promise can hold. If you’re the partner, you’re left wondering whether any promise can be trusted. If you’re the one acting out, it’s easy to decide you’re simply bad. Neither conclusion gets at what’s really happening. In this solo episode, I use Internal Family Systems (IFS) to explain compulsive porn use, sex addiction and other compulsive behaviors from the inside. Here’s what I cover: What a firefighter is. In IFS, a firefighter is a protective part that reacts when emotional pain comes up fast and drives you toward an immediate escape. It doesn’t care about consequences or the promise you made. Its only job is to make the pain stop right now.Why willpower fails. A promise made in a calm moment can’t outrun a protector that shows up when pain is spiking.The mistake most recovery approaches make. They treat the firefighter as the enemy and try to overpower it, outsmart it or lock it out. In IFS, the firefighter isn’t the problem. It’s protecting an exile, a younger part of you carrying loneliness, shame, or a deep belief that you’re not enough.Why quitting porn by force often leads somewhere else. When the exile is never met, the system finds another firefighter. The porn stops and the drinking starts, or the scrolling, or an emotional shutdown. The form changes and the function stays the same.What recovery that holds looks like. It comes from finding the exile underneath and asking what it has been carrying all this time.When that exile is finally seen by your Self, capital S, the part of all of us with the capacity for compassion, curiosity and connection, its burden starts to lift. The firefighter doesn’t need to run anymore. You didn’t force it to stop. The fire it was putting out isn’t burning the same way. That shift matters for the person acting out, and it matters just as much for the partner trying to make sense of what keeps happening. If you’re the partner of someone you think may be struggling, my free guide, 9 Signs Your Partner May Be Addicted, is a good place to start. You’ll find it at toddcreager.com, along with a way to reach me for a short phone consult if you’re ready to talk. CHAPTERS (00:00) Firefighters: the parts of you that put out emotional pain (01:00) Why willpower, blockers and promises keep breaking (02:00) The mistake most recovery approaches make (03:00) When the porn stops and the drinking starts (04:00) Why the firefighter finally stops running If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

  3. Oct 12

    #288 Strong at Work, Alone at Home? Why Men Struggle With Vulnerability

    You built a career on being strong, steady and composed. So why does your partner keep saying they feel alone? A lot of men tell me some version of the same story. They work hard. They think of the family first. They wish they got a little more appreciation for everything they carry. And at home, their partner describes a relationship that feels lonely. Both of them are telling the truth, and neither of them can see why. This is a solo episode. I talk directly to high-achieving men, and to the partners who love them, about why vulnerability feels so hard, using the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS). The same parts that made you successful are often the ones blocking connection at home. Here's what you'll hear: Why high-achieving men struggle with vulnerability: the protective "manager parts" that keep you calm, solving problems and never letting anyone see you sweat are the same parts that keep your partner at arm's length.Where the pattern started: most managers formed to guard a young, wounded part, an exile, that learned early that showing need got punished, ignored or told to toughen up. Maybe a father said, "Come on, tough it out." Maybe somebody had to be the steady one in a chaotic home.What happens inside you when your partner asks how you feel: one part deflects with humor, one offers a solution instead of an emotion, one goes quiet, and one waits for the moment to pass.Why forcing yourself to open up doesn't work, and what does. The part of you that shuts down when your partner gets close is scared, and it once decided it wasn't safe to need anyone.The shift comes when that younger part starts to feel safe with your Self, with a capital S, the part of you that has the capacity for compassion, connection, curiosity and courage. When that happens, the protectors don't have to work overtime anymore. You can share what's going on inside, you can really listen, and your partner can finally say, "I don't feel so alone anymore." If you recognize yourself in this episode, or you recognize your partner, call my office for a 20-minute phone consultation. We'll talk about what's happening and whether working together makes sense. CHAPTERS  (00:00) Why high-achieving men struggle with vulnerability  (01:00) Working hard for the family while your partner feels alone  (02:00) The exile: where "vulnerability is dangerous" began  (03:00) What your protective parts do when your partner asks how you feel  (04:00) How your Self helps the scared part feel safe enough to connect If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

  4. Sep 21

    #287 | Sexual Performance Anxiety in Men: Why Trying Harder Makes It Worse

    Nothing is physically wrong, yet the moment sex starts to matter, your body stops cooperating. Why? In this solo episode, Todd Creager, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and relationship coach with more than 30 years in practice, opens a series on men's issues with one of the most common calls he gets: sexual performance anxiety. Men who reach out are stressed, frustrated and often carrying a lot of shame. Many have a partner who is taking it personally. Todd's message is direct and kind. This is something any man can overcome. Todd frames the problem through internal family systems, a model he has been using with clients because it is accurate and it works. Inside each of us are protective parts. One of them, the manager part, exists to keep us from ever feeling inadequate. For many men, that manager formed early, around moments of being judged or having to earn approval. The original wound lives on as an exile, a part that quietly believes "I'm not enough." The trouble is that the manager follows you into the bedroom, where it has no business being. Instead of being in your body, you are watching yourself from the outside, grading the performance and guessing what your partner is thinking. Monitoring kills presence, and presence is what allows the body to respond on its own. You cannot think your way into arousal. The manager is trying to prevent shame and creating the exact conditions that produce it. Todd also touches on how the same pattern shows up outside of sex, in athletic performance, sleep and even attempts to control blood pressure, anywhere we want an outcome we do not consciously control. The way through is not a better technique. Todd walks through how to recognize the manager, thank it for working so hard, and ask it to step back so the Self, with a capital S, can be in the room. That Self brings clarity, curiosity and compassion, and it is the part that can be with a partner in the here and now. When that happens, the anxiety has nowhere to stand. The body tends to do what it does naturally. That is never the goal, but it is the byproduct. If you or someone you know is dealing with performance anxiety, Todd is here to help. Listen in, and if this episode speaks to you, share it with a man who needs to hear it. Todd Creager, making the world safe for love. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

  5. Sep 14

    #286 | Why Talk Therapy Alone Didn't Work for You

    You can name the wound. You can trace it back to where it started. So why does the same nerve still get hit, and why do you still react the same way? In this solo episode, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager talks about a pattern he sees often in his practice: people who have spent years in therapy, who understand their childhood and their patterns, and who still get flooded when their partner touches a sore spot. Todd is clear that understanding yourself is worth doing. His point is that it isn't enough on its own. He walks through the internal family systems (IFS) model and the parts most people are living with without realizing it. The exiled parts carry the old wounds. The managers keep those wounds at a distance so you can function and succeed. The people-pleaser works to make sure people like you, because the exiled part never felt good enough. The firefighter shows up when something gets too close to the wound and puts out the fire however it can, through spending, food, escape into a device, or an affair. Todd explains why traditional talk therapy tends to stay inside the narrative of your story and your history, while your parts live somewhere else entirely, in your body and your nervous system. A five-year-old carrying "I'm not safe" does not respond to hearing the reason it feels that way. It responds to being found and witnessed by Self, the part of you with the capacity to be calm, curious, compassionate and present. Protectors don't step aside because they've been analyzed. They step aside when they trust that Self can handle what's underneath. Drawing on his years teaching students about attuning to children, Todd makes the same case for attuning to your own parts. Talking about a part is not the same as being with one. If you've done the work and you're still stuck, Todd's message is that the problem was never your effort. Comment or reach out if this sounds like your experience. There is hope, and IFS is a vehicle that carries it. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

  6. Aug 31

    #285 | 42 Years Married: The Protective Parts That Show Up in My Own Marriage

    What if the reaction you have with your partner isn't really you — it's a part of you doing a job it took on when you were five years old? In his yearly anniversary episode, Todd Creager marks 42 years of marriage by turning the lens on himself. Using the internal family systems model, he walks through the difference between our protective parts, our wounded parts, and the Self — the part of us with the capacity for compassion, clarity, calmness, courage, and curiosity toward everything else going on inside. Todd describes how managers work to keep it together and hold the pain in place, while firefighters put the fire out through yelling, gambling, drinking, shutting down, or scrolling a phone instead of turning toward a partner. Then he names his own. The tension in his chest and jaw. Speaking before he knows what he's saying. Getting short, raising his voice, barking back. He calls himself more of a fighter than a flight-er, and he's honest about the manager in him that tries to calm everyone else down as a way to calm himself, sometimes at his own expense. He spends real time on the people pleaser part — the one that doesn't want conflict and doesn't want to disappoint anyone. Todd separates setting his needs aside because his wife's needs matter in that moment from setting them aside because a protective part is running the show. He shares what he calls being healthily selfish: saying what he feels even when she may not like hearing it, and finding that he likes her more when he shows up as himself. Perfectionism gets the same treatment. When his wife says something about him he believes is inaccurate, the quick correction leaves her feeling dismissed regardless of who's right. Todd describes slowing down, soothing himself, and making room for her experience instead — which is possible only when the protective part hasn't hijacked him. He traces that reactivity back to being five or six years old, listening to his parents fight, and deciding conflict wasn't safe. He closes with what happens when wounded parts get to heal at the core through approaches like internal family systems and EMDR, so protective parts no longer carry the burden of guarding them, and two adults can be present for each other. If you recognize your own patterns here, listen through and notice which part tends to speak first in your marriage. Follow the show, and pass this episode along to your partner if it opens up a conversation worth having. This is Todd Creager, making the world safe for love. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

  7. Aug 24

    #284 | The Body Remembers: Somatic Clues That Your Parts Have Activated

    Your partner hasn't finished the sentence yet, and your stomach has already dropped. Your jaw is clenched. There's a tightness across your chest that wasn't there ten seconds ago. That isn't stress. That's a part of you speaking through your body before your thinking mind gets involved. In this solo episode, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager explains why parts show up as physical sensation first, and why they move faster than you do. A protector can tighten your shoulders and cross your arms before you've consciously registered what your partner said. A firefighter can flood you with the urge to leave the room or reach for your phone before you've decided anything. An exile, the wounded part that got triggered, can drop a heaviness into your chest that makes you feel small and younger than you are, in a way that doesn't match the moment in front of you. Todd describes what he sees in his office almost daily: two people reacting to each other's reactions. His protective parts guarding his wounded parts, hers guarding hers, the whole thing escalating in seconds. The body told the truth first. The body showed which part came online before either person opened their mouth. He offers one practice you can use before your next hard conversation. Pause for thirty seconds. Notice where you feel something, whether that's tightness, heat, heaviness, or numbness. You don't have to understand it. Name it. "Something clenched in my chest." That small gap between a part activating and you seeing it is the difference between the part running the conversation and you being present for it. Todd then walks through a session from the week before. A woman was anxious about an upcoming trip out of the country with her partner and his family, after a panic attack on a plane the year before during unresolved conflict. Tracing the sensations led to a much younger part of her, one shaped by people she counted on who abandoned her. Her boyfriend was able to see it as a young part rather than a statement about their relationship. She was able to give that part some care and recognize that nothing is wrong with her. If this one landed, try the thirty-second pause this week and notice what your body says first. Follow the show for more conversations on love, sex, and staying connected in long-term relationships. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

  8. Aug 17

    #283 | How Childhood Shame Shows Up in Adult Intimacy: Exiles, Protectors, and the Way Through

    Your partner reaches for you, and something inside pulls back. Not all of you. A part of you. In this solo episode, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager talks about the young part that decided long ago that if anyone got close enough to really see you, they wouldn't like what they found. He calls that part an exile — a child who absorbed a message like "I'm not worth attention" or "something is wrong with me," and has been carrying it ever since. The child didn't choose that belief. They lived in conditions where it was the only conclusion that made sense. Todd describes the protective parts that form around an exile and why they are built to keep intimacy at a distance. One protector deflects every compliment before it lands. One keeps sex physical but never emotionally present. One picks a fight right when things are going well. Another becomes whatever the partner needs, pleasant and agreeable, so the real self never has to show up. None of these are character flaws. They are parts doing exactly the job they were given. The way through isn't forcing yourself to be more open, Todd says, because the protectors won't allow it. It's turning toward the exile with Self — the part of you that isn't a part at all, the calm and connected essence you were born with — and letting that young part be seen without judgment first. He closes with a client story from years back. A man whose mother projected onto him her hatred of his biological father, who grew up carrying the message that he was bad, acted it out as a juvenile delinquent, served time, and then sabotaged the marriage he wanted most. Todd walks through how they identified the protective parts, reached the shame underneath, and used EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) with that wounded part. Once the man knew the belief wasn't his, the protectors could rest, and closeness finally had somewhere to land. If any of this sounds familiar in your own marriage, listen with some gentleness toward yourself and your partner. Intimacy becomes possible when we look within and heal. Todd Creager, making the world safe for love. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

See All (289)

Ratings & Reviews

5
out of 5
12 Ratings

About

Todd Creager is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and relationship coach with over 30 years of experience helping couples build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. In this podcast, Todd talks openly about love, sex, and infidelity with married and long-term couples who want real answers. Drawing from decades in practice, he shares practical advice, relatable stories, and honest guidance to help you work through challenges and create the relationship you actually want. Whether you're dealing with communication breakdowns, intimacy issues, trust after infidelity, or just want to reconnect with your partner, Todd's warm, no-nonsense approach gives you tools you can use right away.

Information

You Might Also Like