Let's Talk About Love, Sex & Infidelity

Todd Creager
  • 5.0 (13)
  • Mental Health
  • Updated Weekly

Todd Creager is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and relationship coach with over 30 years of experience helping couples build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. In this podcast, Todd talks openly about love, sex, and infidelity with married and long-term couples who want real answers. Drawing from decades in practice, he shares practical advice, relatable stories, and honest guidance to help you work through challenges and create the relationship you actually want. Whether you're dealing with communication breakdowns, intimacy issues, trust after infidelity, or just want to reconnect with your partner, Todd's warm, no-nonsense approach gives you tools you can use right away.

  1. 4d ago

    #276 | The Inner Critic in the Bedroom — What's Really Blocking Your Desire

    What if the thing getting in the way of your sex life isn't a physical problem — it's a protective one? In this solo episode, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager takes a candid, grounded look at what happens when your inner critic shows up in the bedroom. Whether it sounds like Am I good enough? Is my partner enjoying this? or it shows up as numbness, avoidance, or a total loss of desire — Todd explains that these aren't failures. They're protective responses doing a job. Using Internal Family Systems (IFS), Todd breaks down two types of protective parts that commonly interfere with sexual intimacy. The manager is the critical voice constantly scanning for what could go wrong, trying to protect you from shame, inadequacy, or humiliation. The firefighter is the part that numbs out, dissociates, or finds every possible reason to avoid sex altogether — because if you never show up, you never have to feel exposed. Both are trying to shield you from older wounds: the fear of not being good enough, the memory of embarrassment, or the quiet belief that you're somehow less than. And because desire and the inner critic can't occupy the same space at the same time, understanding what's running interference is the real starting point for change. Todd also introduces EMDR — Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing — as a therapeutic tool that can help people access and process the older memories keeping these protective parts on high alert. When those memories are worked through, the protective parts don't have to work as hard, and your natural desire and arousal have room to return — not through willpower, but through healing. If you've been struggling with performance anxiety, sexual avoidance, or feeling disconnected from your partner in the bedroom, this episode offers a way to approach it with curiosity rather than judgment. Todd reads and responds to every comment. Share this episode with someone who needs to hear it. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

    8 min

  2. Jun 22

    #275 | What Your Jealousy Is Really Protecting You From

    Is jealousy making you feel out of control — or controlling? Before you try to talk yourself out of it, it's worth understanding what it's actually doing for you. In this solo episode, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager takes an honest, compassionate look at jealousy — not as a character flaw or a red flag, but as a protective response rooted in older, unhealed pain. If your partner mentions a coworker and your chest tightens, or a liked photo on social media sends your mind into overdrive, this episode speaks directly to what's happening beneath that reaction. Drawing on Internal Family Systems (IFS) — a framework that recognizes we all carry different "parts" of ourselves — Todd explains that jealousy is rarely about the present moment. It's a protective part standing guard over a much older wound: the early learning that love can be taken away, that you can be made to feel unimportant, invisible, or replaced. Todd walks through two specific types of protective responses that show up when jealousy hits. The first is the manager — the part that watches, checks, scans for threats, reads texts over your partner's shoulder, and keeps a quiet inventory of who they spend time with. The second is the firefighter — the part that reacts, explodes, accuses, or shuts down just to stop an unbearable feeling. Both are trying to prevent pain, even when the behaviors are causing damage. The shift Todd offers isn't about pushing jealousy away. It's about bringing curiosity and compassion toward the part of you that's scared — so you can stop reacting from fear and start communicating from your whole, settled self. When you understand that jealousy's intent is always protective, you gain options you didn't have before. You stop being run by your past and create real space for a different kind of relationship. Whether you're the one struggling with jealousy or you're on the receiving end of a partner's reactions, this episode gives you a way to see it differently — and work with it rather than against it. If this resonates with you or someone you know, share this episode. Todd reads and responds to comments, and he'd love to hear from you. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

    8 min

  3. Jun 15

    #274 | Why You Shut Down During Conflict (It's Not What You Think)

    Do you go blank, get quiet, or feel like you've completely left your body the moment conflict shows up in your relationship? There's a reason that happens — and it has nothing to do with not caring. In this solo episode, Todd digs into one of the most misunderstood patterns in long-term relationships: shutting down during conflict. Whether you go still and silent or reach for your phone, the fridge, or anything else to escape the moment, Todd explains what's actually driving that response — and why blaming yourself or your partner for it keeps you stuck. Drawing from his 30+ years working with couples, Todd breaks down how our earliest experiences with conflict — loud households, being shamed for speaking up, or learning that staying quiet was simply safer — wire a protective part of us that can still show up decades later, even when our partner isn't actually a threat. Todd introduces two key protective patterns from Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy: the manager, who tries to smooth things over and avoid making things worse, and the firefighter, who numbs you out or pulls you into distraction the second things get too intense. Both are doing the same job — shielding a younger, wounded part of you that once learned that conflict meant something bad was about to happen. The good news? Once you can recognize these protective parts with curiosity instead of frustration, you can start showing up in conflict as yourself — calm, present, and actually able to stay in the room. Todd shares a real client story that illustrates how deep this goes, and walks you through what it looks and feels like to begin separating yourself from the part that hijacks you — so you can respond from a place of clarity instead of running on autopilot. If you've ever wondered why you or your partner shuts down, this episode gives you a grounded, honest look at what's happening beneath the surface — and what you can start doing differently. Listen in and take that first step toward showing up more fully in your relationship. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

    9 min

  4. Jun 8

    #273 | The Hidden War Inside a Cheater's Body — And How It Steals Your Peace

    What does cheating actually do to the person doing it? Most conversations about infidelity focus on the betrayed partner — and for good reason. But in this episode, Todd Creager turns the lens inward, looking at what happens inside the body and mind of the person having the affair. It's part of his ongoing series on how cheating cheats the cheater, and this episode zeroes in on something rarely talked about: the physiological cost of living a secret. Using the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS), Todd walks through how our protective parts operate when deep wounds go unaddressed. The "firefighter" part acts out — in this case, through an affair — as a way to escape pain. The guilt and self-attack that follow? That's the "manager" part doing its job. The result is an internal system at war with itself. The body pays the price. What does that look like in practice? A stress cycle that doesn't stop. The adrenaline of secrecy. The cortisol of shame. For most people — not sociopaths, as Todd plainly notes — this creates a chronic internal conflict that quietly drains physical and emotional wellbeing. Infidelity recovery starts with recognizing that the affair was never really about the other person. It was a response to pain that never got the attention it needed. The path out, Todd explains, isn't more self-punishment. It's actually getting honest — with yourself, with a professional, and eventually with your partner if reconciliation is part of the picture. When the wound beneath the behavior gets real attention, real healing becomes possible. Todd has seen it happen, over and over, in his 30+ years working with couples. This episode is for anyone who has been on either side of betrayal, or who suspects there's more going on beneath the surface of the choices they've been making. If you're ready to stop the internal war and work toward actual peace — in your body, your relationship, and yourself — Todd's work is a good place to start. Reach out at toddcreager.com. "Making the world safe for love." If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

    6 min

  5. Jun 1

    #272 | How Cheating Robs You of the One Thing You Actually Need

    Have you ever wondered why someone who's having an affair can still feel profoundly alone? In this episode, Todd Creager continues his series on how cheating cheats the cheater — and this time he looks at one of the deepest costs of infidelity: the loss of authentic intimacy. Using the Internal Family Systems (IFS) framework, Todd explains why keeping a secret doesn't just strain a relationship. It cuts the person having the affair off from the one thing that actually heals loneliness — being truly known. At the heart of IFS is a simple but important idea: we are all made of parts. Some of those parts carry old wounds — messages like "I'm not good enough" or "I'm not safe" — picked up through childhood, family dynamics, and life experience. Protective parts form around those wounds to keep us functioning. But when someone operates from a secret, hidden part — the part running the affair — they can no longer show up as their whole self. And without that, there's no real intimacy. The affair partner may feel connected to them, but they're only connecting with a fragment. Not the full person. Todd draws on his book The Long Hot Marriage, published in 2008, to talk about the qualities of genuine connection — many of which align closely with what IFS calls the Eight C's of the Self: curiosity, compassion, clarity, and the rest. These aren't abstract concepts. They're what becomes possible when someone stops hiding and starts doing the real work of looking inward. He also touches on something that gets overlooked in conversations about infidelity — the role society plays. Marriage and committed relationships have, in many ways, conditioned people to hide the parts of themselves that feel messy, broken, or less than perfect. That cultural pressure makes authentic intimacy harder for everyone, not just those who have cheated. The good news? That capacity to connect — truly and fully — is already inside you. It doesn't have to stay buried. If you're ready to stop living from a protected place and start building the kind of relationship where you actually feel seen, Todd's approach gives you a real path forward. Learn more at toddcreager.com. "Making the world safe for love." If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

    6 min

  6. May 25

    #271 | How Cheating Cheats the Cheater: What Infidelity Really Costs You

    What if the person most harmed by an affair isn't the one who was betrayed — but the one who did the betraying? In this solo episode, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager returns to one of his most talked-about topics: the psychological cost of infidelity to the person who cheats. Drawing on over 30 years of working with couples, and through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, Todd breaks down why cheating is so often less about desire and more about escape — and what that escape actually costs. At the center of this conversation is the IFS concept of "self-leadership." Todd explains that each of us has a core Self — sometimes called your higher self or best self — that is naturally compassionate, calm, curious, and clear. This is the part of you that, when in the driver's seat, gives you the capacity to show up fully in your life and your relationship. When someone cheats, Todd argues, they've effectively handed those keys to what IFS calls a "firefighter" — a protective part of the psyche that distracts from pain, boredom, emptiness, or a wound that hasn't been addressed. The affair feels like relief in the moment. But it pulls the person further from the self they actually want to be. Add in the lying, the managing appearances, the fear of being found out, and suddenly two more parts — the manager and the firefighter — are running the show while the real self sits in the back seat. Todd is careful here not to reduce any of this to moral judgment. He's seen too many cases where someone cheated after a job loss, a blow to self-esteem, or a long history of feeling alone — and the affair was a desperate reach for something that felt like connection. That doesn't make it okay, but it does make it understandable. And understanding it is what makes healing possible. Whether the relationship survives or not, Todd makes the case that doing this inner work still matters. The protective parts that drove the affair — the firefighter, the manager — will keep running the show in future relationships unless the underlying wounds get addressed. Therapy isn't just about saving the marriage. It's about getting back in the driver's seat of your own life. If you're working through the aftermath of betrayal — whether you're the one who was hurt or the one who caused the hurt — Todd's Infidelity First Aid Kit is a practical starting point. Find the link in the show notes. Todd Creager — making the world safe for love. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

    10 min

  7. May 18

    #270 | What Your Attachment Style Is Actually Doing in the Bedroom

    What happens between you and your partner in bed may have less to do with technique and more to do with how you're wired for connection. In this solo episode, Todd Creager — licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over 30 years of experience working with couples — breaks down the four attachment styles and what they look like during sex and physical intimacy. Most people have heard of the four attachment categories: secure, anxious (fearful), avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. But Todd draws an important distinction that changes how you think about all of it: you're not just one type. Different parts of you carry different attachment patterns, and whichever part gets triggered in the bedroom is the one that shows up. When the secure part of you is present, you can give and receive fully — physically and emotionally — while still holding onto your own sense of self. There's an ease and openness in that dynamic that most couples are working toward. When the fearful or anxious part takes over, you may find yourself becoming a pleaser. Your own desires go quiet. You focus on keeping your partner close, avoiding judgment, and making sure they don't pull away. The connection you're working so hard to protect becomes harder to actually feel. The avoidant part shows up differently — more closed off, less tuned into what your partner is experiencing, and focused primarily on personal release rather than mutual intimacy. Vulnerability in the bedroom feels like too much exposure. For those who carry fearful-avoidant patterns, both tendencies can surface — sometimes within the same encounter. Swinging from intense people-pleasing to sudden withdrawal, that kind of unpredictability can leave a partner feeling confused about who they're actually with. Todd's message throughout is clear: this is not about labeling yourself or your partner. It's about recognizing the patterns that are already running so you can start working with them rather than around them. Whether you're dealing with emotional distance, uneven intimacy, or a quiet sense that something is off in the bedroom, this episode gives you a clearer picture of what may be driving it. Todd reads every comment — share your reaction and let him know what came up for you. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

    6 min

  8. May 11

    #269 | Why Willpower Fails in Sex and Intimacy — And What Actually Helps

    What if the part of you that shuts down sexually — or the part that keeps reaching for porn — isn't a character flaw? What if it's trying to protect you? In this solo episode, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager explains why forcing your way through sexual performance anxiety — or trying to stop compulsive sexual behavior through sheer willpower — almost always backfires. Drawing from two therapeutic approaches he uses in his practice, Internal Family Systems (IFS) and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), Todd walks through what's actually happening beneath the surface when sex becomes complicated. At the center of this episode is a reframe most people have never heard: the parts of us that create sexual problems are not broken. They're protective. Todd breaks down two types of protective parts from the IFS model. "Managers" are the parts that preemptively shut things down — lowering libido, interfering with arousal, erection, ejaculation, or orgasm — to keep us from feeling shame or inadequacy. "Firefighters" are the parts that kick in when emotional pain gets too close, often using porn, affairs, or compulsive behavior to numb out or escape the fear of being truly seen. Todd shares an example from his own caseload: a client who began having an affair after significant failures at work. The affair wasn't about attraction — it was a firefighter response to the pain of feeling like a failure. Getting out of these patterns isn't about more effort or stricter rules. It starts with getting curious about those parts rather than fighting them. When you can approach your protective parts with compassion — understanding what they're guarding against — you create the conditions for what Todd calls self-led sexuality. That's when the grounded, confident part of you leads the experience rather than the scared or shamed parts. This isn't a quick fix. But it is a way to heal from the inside out — one Todd applies regularly in his work with both individuals and couples. If you're dealing with sexual performance anxiety, low sexual desire, compulsive sexual behavior, or intimacy avoidance in your relationship, this episode gives you a new frame for what's actually going on — and why treating it as a willpower problem keeps you stuck. To work with Todd or learn more, visit toddcreager.com. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

    11 min
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5
out of 5
13 Ratings

About

Todd Creager is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and relationship coach with over 30 years of experience helping couples build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. In this podcast, Todd talks openly about love, sex, and infidelity with married and long-term couples who want real answers. Drawing from decades in practice, he shares practical advice, relatable stories, and honest guidance to help you work through challenges and create the relationship you actually want. Whether you're dealing with communication breakdowns, intimacy issues, trust after infidelity, or just want to reconnect with your partner, Todd's warm, no-nonsense approach gives you tools you can use right away.

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