Let's Talk About Love, Sex & Infidelity

Todd Creager
  • 5.0 (13)
  • Mental Health
  • Updated Weekly

Todd Creager is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and relationship coach with over 30 years of experience helping couples build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. In this podcast, Todd talks openly about love, sex, and infidelity with married and long-term couples who want real answers. Drawing from decades in practice, he shares practical advice, relatable stories, and honest guidance to help you work through challenges and create the relationship you actually want. Whether you're dealing with communication breakdowns, intimacy issues, trust after infidelity, or just want to reconnect with your partner, Todd's warm, no-nonsense approach gives you tools you can use right away.

  1. 3d ago

    #273 | The Hidden War Inside a Cheater's Body — And How It Steals Your Peace

    What does cheating actually do to the person doing it? Most conversations about infidelity focus on the betrayed partner — and for good reason. But in this episode, Todd Creager turns the lens inward, looking at what happens inside the body and mind of the person having the affair. It's part of his ongoing series on how cheating cheats the cheater, and this episode zeroes in on something rarely talked about: the physiological cost of living a secret. Using the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS), Todd walks through how our protective parts operate when deep wounds go unaddressed. The "firefighter" part acts out — in this case, through an affair — as a way to escape pain. The guilt and self-attack that follow? That's the "manager" part doing its job. The result is an internal system at war with itself. The body pays the price. What does that look like in practice? A stress cycle that doesn't stop. The adrenaline of secrecy. The cortisol of shame. For most people — not sociopaths, as Todd plainly notes — this creates a chronic internal conflict that quietly drains physical and emotional wellbeing. Infidelity recovery starts with recognizing that the affair was never really about the other person. It was a response to pain that never got the attention it needed. The path out, Todd explains, isn't more self-punishment. It's actually getting honest — with yourself, with a professional, and eventually with your partner if reconciliation is part of the picture. When the wound beneath the behavior gets real attention, real healing becomes possible. Todd has seen it happen, over and over, in his 30+ years working with couples. This episode is for anyone who has been on either side of betrayal, or who suspects there's more going on beneath the surface of the choices they've been making. If you're ready to stop the internal war and work toward actual peace — in your body, your relationship, and yourself — Todd's work is a good place to start. Reach out at toddcreager.com. "Making the world safe for love." If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

    6 min

  2. Jun 1

    #272 | How Cheating Robs You of the One Thing You Actually Need

    Have you ever wondered why someone who's having an affair can still feel profoundly alone? In this episode, Todd Creager continues his series on how cheating cheats the cheater — and this time he looks at one of the deepest costs of infidelity: the loss of authentic intimacy. Using the Internal Family Systems (IFS) framework, Todd explains why keeping a secret doesn't just strain a relationship. It cuts the person having the affair off from the one thing that actually heals loneliness — being truly known. At the heart of IFS is a simple but important idea: we are all made of parts. Some of those parts carry old wounds — messages like "I'm not good enough" or "I'm not safe" — picked up through childhood, family dynamics, and life experience. Protective parts form around those wounds to keep us functioning. But when someone operates from a secret, hidden part — the part running the affair — they can no longer show up as their whole self. And without that, there's no real intimacy. The affair partner may feel connected to them, but they're only connecting with a fragment. Not the full person. Todd draws on his book The Long Hot Marriage, published in 2008, to talk about the qualities of genuine connection — many of which align closely with what IFS calls the Eight C's of the Self: curiosity, compassion, clarity, and the rest. These aren't abstract concepts. They're what becomes possible when someone stops hiding and starts doing the real work of looking inward. He also touches on something that gets overlooked in conversations about infidelity — the role society plays. Marriage and committed relationships have, in many ways, conditioned people to hide the parts of themselves that feel messy, broken, or less than perfect. That cultural pressure makes authentic intimacy harder for everyone, not just those who have cheated. The good news? That capacity to connect — truly and fully — is already inside you. It doesn't have to stay buried. If you're ready to stop living from a protected place and start building the kind of relationship where you actually feel seen, Todd's approach gives you a real path forward. Learn more at toddcreager.com. "Making the world safe for love." If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

    6 min

  3. May 25

    #271 | How Cheating Cheats the Cheater: What Infidelity Really Costs You

    What if the person most harmed by an affair isn't the one who was betrayed — but the one who did the betraying? In this solo episode, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager returns to one of his most talked-about topics: the psychological cost of infidelity to the person who cheats. Drawing on over 30 years of working with couples, and through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, Todd breaks down why cheating is so often less about desire and more about escape — and what that escape actually costs. At the center of this conversation is the IFS concept of "self-leadership." Todd explains that each of us has a core Self — sometimes called your higher self or best self — that is naturally compassionate, calm, curious, and clear. This is the part of you that, when in the driver's seat, gives you the capacity to show up fully in your life and your relationship. When someone cheats, Todd argues, they've effectively handed those keys to what IFS calls a "firefighter" — a protective part of the psyche that distracts from pain, boredom, emptiness, or a wound that hasn't been addressed. The affair feels like relief in the moment. But it pulls the person further from the self they actually want to be. Add in the lying, the managing appearances, the fear of being found out, and suddenly two more parts — the manager and the firefighter — are running the show while the real self sits in the back seat. Todd is careful here not to reduce any of this to moral judgment. He's seen too many cases where someone cheated after a job loss, a blow to self-esteem, or a long history of feeling alone — and the affair was a desperate reach for something that felt like connection. That doesn't make it okay, but it does make it understandable. And understanding it is what makes healing possible. Whether the relationship survives or not, Todd makes the case that doing this inner work still matters. The protective parts that drove the affair — the firefighter, the manager — will keep running the show in future relationships unless the underlying wounds get addressed. Therapy isn't just about saving the marriage. It's about getting back in the driver's seat of your own life. If you're working through the aftermath of betrayal — whether you're the one who was hurt or the one who caused the hurt — Todd's Infidelity First Aid Kit is a practical starting point. Find the link in the show notes. Todd Creager — making the world safe for love. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

    10 min

  4. May 18

    #270 | What Your Attachment Style Is Actually Doing in the Bedroom

    What happens between you and your partner in bed may have less to do with technique and more to do with how you're wired for connection. In this solo episode, Todd Creager — licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over 30 years of experience working with couples — breaks down the four attachment styles and what they look like during sex and physical intimacy. Most people have heard of the four attachment categories: secure, anxious (fearful), avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. But Todd draws an important distinction that changes how you think about all of it: you're not just one type. Different parts of you carry different attachment patterns, and whichever part gets triggered in the bedroom is the one that shows up. When the secure part of you is present, you can give and receive fully — physically and emotionally — while still holding onto your own sense of self. There's an ease and openness in that dynamic that most couples are working toward. When the fearful or anxious part takes over, you may find yourself becoming a pleaser. Your own desires go quiet. You focus on keeping your partner close, avoiding judgment, and making sure they don't pull away. The connection you're working so hard to protect becomes harder to actually feel. The avoidant part shows up differently — more closed off, less tuned into what your partner is experiencing, and focused primarily on personal release rather than mutual intimacy. Vulnerability in the bedroom feels like too much exposure. For those who carry fearful-avoidant patterns, both tendencies can surface — sometimes within the same encounter. Swinging from intense people-pleasing to sudden withdrawal, that kind of unpredictability can leave a partner feeling confused about who they're actually with. Todd's message throughout is clear: this is not about labeling yourself or your partner. It's about recognizing the patterns that are already running so you can start working with them rather than around them. Whether you're dealing with emotional distance, uneven intimacy, or a quiet sense that something is off in the bedroom, this episode gives you a clearer picture of what may be driving it. Todd reads every comment — share your reaction and let him know what came up for you. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

    6 min

  5. May 11

    #269 | Why Willpower Fails in Sex and Intimacy — And What Actually Helps

    What if the part of you that shuts down sexually — or the part that keeps reaching for porn — isn't a character flaw? What if it's trying to protect you? In this solo episode, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager explains why forcing your way through sexual performance anxiety — or trying to stop compulsive sexual behavior through sheer willpower — almost always backfires. Drawing from two therapeutic approaches he uses in his practice, Internal Family Systems (IFS) and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), Todd walks through what's actually happening beneath the surface when sex becomes complicated. At the center of this episode is a reframe most people have never heard: the parts of us that create sexual problems are not broken. They're protective. Todd breaks down two types of protective parts from the IFS model. "Managers" are the parts that preemptively shut things down — lowering libido, interfering with arousal, erection, ejaculation, or orgasm — to keep us from feeling shame or inadequacy. "Firefighters" are the parts that kick in when emotional pain gets too close, often using porn, affairs, or compulsive behavior to numb out or escape the fear of being truly seen. Todd shares an example from his own caseload: a client who began having an affair after significant failures at work. The affair wasn't about attraction — it was a firefighter response to the pain of feeling like a failure. Getting out of these patterns isn't about more effort or stricter rules. It starts with getting curious about those parts rather than fighting them. When you can approach your protective parts with compassion — understanding what they're guarding against — you create the conditions for what Todd calls self-led sexuality. That's when the grounded, confident part of you leads the experience rather than the scared or shamed parts. This isn't a quick fix. But it is a way to heal from the inside out — one Todd applies regularly in his work with both individuals and couples. If you're dealing with sexual performance anxiety, low sexual desire, compulsive sexual behavior, or intimacy avoidance in your relationship, this episode gives you a new frame for what's actually going on — and why treating it as a willpower problem keeps you stuck. To work with Todd or learn more, visit toddcreager.com. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

    11 min

  6. May 4

    #268 | Why Betrayal Feels Like a Life-or-Death Trauma — and What's Really Happening Inside You

    If you've discovered a partner's affair and wondered why the pain feels like it might actually kill you, you're not overreacting. In this episode, Todd explains exactly why betrayal trauma hits so deep — and what healing actually looks like. When an affair comes to light, the shock is real and the cause is clear. But what makes it feel so all-consuming is that it often wakes up something much older — the wounded parts of you that have been quietly buried since childhood. Feelings of not being good enough. Of being abandoned. Of not being safe. The present pain and the past pain collide, and suddenly you're not just dealing with what your partner did. You're dealing with a lifetime of unresolved wounds all at once. Todd walks through how he uses two therapeutic approaches together — Internal Family Systems (IFS) and EMDR — to help betrayed partners understand and heal what's really happening inside them. IFS helps you identify the different parts of yourself that get activated after betrayal: the protective managers who keep you functional, the firefighters who help you escape the pain, and the exiles — the wounded parts that carry the old memories and beliefs. EMDR then helps your brain actually process those stuck memories so that the past stops flooding into the present. The goal isn't to rush into trusting a partner who hasn't yet earned that trust back. The goal is to help you — the betrayed person — get clear. To get out from under the weight of old wounds so your own intuition, your true self, can tell you what's actually happening in your relationship right now and what you want to do about it. Todd also talks about what a healed relationship can look like when both partners do this work — what he calls a self-led marriage, where each person is guided by their healthiest self rather than their most reactive parts. If you're in the aftermath of infidelity and wondering whether healing is really possible, this episode gives you an honest look at how the work actually happens — and why it works. Todd's Infidelity First Aid Kit Program is a solid place to begin. Find it at toddcreager.com. Making the World Safe for Love. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

    12 min

  7. Apr 27

    #267 | Why You Keep Having the Same Fight — And How to Finally Stop

    Do you and your partner keep circling the same argument, no matter how many times you've tried to resolve it? The problem might not be what either of you is saying — it might be who is actually doing the talking. In this solo episode, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager introduces a concept from Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy that helps explain why so many couples get stuck in what he calls the "bickering loop." According to IFS, we all carry protective parts — internal responses shaped by our past wounds — and when those protectors take over during conflict, the real person in the relationship goes quiet. Todd walks through two real-world examples from his practice. In the first, a wife who learned to fight for visibility raises her voice and criticizes to avoid feeling devalued — just as she did growing up. Her husband, raised with a mother who was out of control, learned early on to shut down and disappear into distractions. When she pushes, he withdraws. When he withdraws, she pushes harder. Neither is wrong; both are operating from protective parts that hijacked the conversation long before either of them opened their mouth. In the second example, Todd describes a couple where a husband's drinking — a firefighter response in IFS terms — allowed him to escape difficult feelings, while his wife's manager part kept her passive and accommodating. That pattern held until it couldn't anymore. The shift Todd teaches is a simple but powerful one: instead of speaking as a part, learn to speak from a part. That means pausing, recognizing which protective response has been triggered, and then communicating from your grounded, adult self. Something like: "There's a part of me that feels lonely when you pull away" lands very differently than "You never care about me." This is the pause-and-pivot approach — and Todd has seen it stop the bickering cycle for good in couples who were convinced they'd run out of road. He also briefly explains the difference between IFS managers (parts that try to prevent wounds from surfacing) and firefighters (parts that react fast when pain is already flooding the system) — both of which show up in most long-term relationship conflicts. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

    10 min

  8. Apr 2

    #266 | The Civil War of Betrayal: Why You Love Them and Want to Leave at the Same Time

    After discovering a partner's affair, many people ask the same question: Am I going crazy?  You love this person deeply — and part of you wants to walk out the door. That contradiction isn't a sign something is wrong with you. It's what happens when betrayal creates an internal war between competing parts of who you are. In this solo episode, Todd Creager breaks down what he calls the Civil War of Betrayal — and why both the person who was cheated on and the person who cheated experience this painful internal conflict.  Using the framework of Internal Family Systems (IFS), Todd explains the three distinct inner parts that get activated in the aftermath of infidelity: the managers (the part obsessively checking phones, gathering evidence, trying to stay in control), the firefighters (the part that acts out in anger, revenge, or impulsive decisions to escape the pain), and the exiles (the deep wound underneath it all — often tied to old feelings of abandonment that this betrayal has brought back to the surface). Todd also introduces what IFS calls the Self — that part of you that holds the capacity for compassion, clarity, curiosity, and calm. When the Self leads, something different becomes possible: instead of reacting from your most wounded or most angry place, you get curious. You start to ask what part of me is doing this right now? And that question changes everything. Drawing from a real couple he worked with — he calls them John and Lucy — Todd walks through how IFS combined with EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) helped them move from blame and reactivity to genuine understanding. Their relationship didn't go back to what it was before. In some ways, it became deeper than it had ever been. If you or your partner are somewhere in the middle of this — loving each other and hurting each other at the same time — this episode gives you a language for what's actually happening inside. And a starting point for something better. When you're ready to go further, check out Todd's Infidelity First Aid Kit — a resource he created specifically for couples in the early, most disorienting stages of betrayal recovery.  https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/infidelity-first-aid  If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

    13 min
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5
out of 5
13 Ratings

About

Todd Creager is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and relationship coach with over 30 years of experience helping couples build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. In this podcast, Todd talks openly about love, sex, and infidelity with married and long-term couples who want real answers. Drawing from decades in practice, he shares practical advice, relatable stories, and honest guidance to help you work through challenges and create the relationship you actually want. Whether you're dealing with communication breakdowns, intimacy issues, trust after infidelity, or just want to reconnect with your partner, Todd's warm, no-nonsense approach gives you tools you can use right away.

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