An open letter to those victimized by toxic church communities. There is no debating the fact that spiritual abuse is a major problem within the modern day church. Yet the way that it leaves people broken, without community, and often disconnected from God is hidden, minimized, and unacknowledged.If we want the church to operate in its fullness, we must create a space for victims to explore their stories of spiritual abuse so that they can find true healing — but before we can create that space, we must courageously reflect on and define the term ‘spiritual abuse’, holding those accountable who have misused their spiritual authority over others.Every church has its imperfections, and every leader will inevitably fail you. This is not what I’m talking about. I’m referring to systemic abuse which allows pastors and leaders to be cruel, masquerading their bullying and explicit methods of control behind the facade of ‘discipleship’.Spiritual abuse is not an easy topic. It is not something our leaders tend to address, and I can’t help but wonder if they are too intimidated and terrified to pull back the curtain and get real about what has been happening (typically for years) behind closed doors in their own leadership teams.Many leaders of faith are offended by the concept of ‘spiritual abuse’. They don’t like to be categorized in the same space as an abuser. Yet Christians are not exempt from abusing others simply because they proudly preach the name of Jesus on Sunday mornings.It’s time to get real.I myself have encountered multiple leaders who have exhibited toxic behavior, some being much crueler than any bully I have otherwise encountered in my life, including in my adolescence. That is maddening.Time’s Up.Time’s up on abusers of every kind, especially those within the church who have wounded others in profound ways which have caused inner destruction to the victims. In the worst cases, it has pushed them to completely abandon their faith.Time’s up on narcissistic leaders being allowed to control others with no consequences or accountability. The church can no longer choose to look away out of ego or convenience. It must take courage and lead us into vulnerable waters that will expose the truth. This truth will sting, but it will also bring liberation to all who dare to jump in.We cannot deal with this evil until we define what it is. What is Spiritual Abuse? Defining abuse is a task that’s at once both complex and remarkably simple. To be abused by someone is to have them misuse their power over you in some way, and spiritual leaders have proven themselves capable abusers who manipulate, groom, and control those they are tasked with guiding in order to ultimately get their own needs met.All abuse is difficult to engage head on. As a victim, who wants to admit that you’ve been abused? To begin the work of admitting the truth that you have been victimized causes insurmountable shame, horror, and despair.Spiritual abuse is a uniquely messy form of abuse to tackle because of the layers that come with admitting to yourself and others that you in fact have been violated by a spiritual authority that you trusted and perhaps idolized.Andrea Matthews, a practicing psychotherapist, says that someone might realize they have been spiritually abused “when they have been taught, either covertly or overtly, to negate their own original thoughts, emotions, beliefs and body sensations because they have been convinced in some way that to operate out of them would be a betrayal of a sacred contract with either the divine or the divine’s representative.”It’s important to note that the complexity and messiness that comes with spiritual abuse can mean that you do not realize that’s what it was until you’ve left the community you were once a part of and have the perspective to recognize it in hindsight. What spiritual leader will openly admit that they are engaging in abusive tactics? Unlike a physical or verbal abuse where there is very tangible evidence of harm, spiritual abuse lacks the overt nature but is capable of doing equal damage.“Spiritual abuse is no less harmful or difficult to endure than any other kind of abuse, as a person’s spiritual life is deeply personal. However, it can be very difficult to identify, as many victims may not recognize they are being abused.” — National Domestic Violence HotlineHere are some practical questions to consider and wrestle with to help understand if you were or are a part of a spiritually abusive or toxic church community: Does the leader of the spiritual community… Suck the air out of the room when they walk into it?Charm and manipulate others to get their way?Publicly humiliate others?Control everyone and everything around them?Punish or shame those who don’t listen to them while celebrating and rewarding (in the form of verbal approval or promotions) those who submit to their expectations?Mock other churches or others who disagree with their approach behind closed doors?Show signs of anger and rage which constantly go unchallenged and are always justified or minimized?Have an inability to openly apologize and admit their failures?Surround themselves with ‘yes men’ they can easily control and domineer to get out of being exposed?Have moral failings in their past (or present) which are the subject of secrets and rumors which get hidden and swept under the rug?’Seemingly prioritize the reputation of the church over any harm others may have experienced?Have suspicious relationships with people other than their significant other, often lacking boundaries? If this leader is a male (which most are), often this leader will surround themselves with single, adoring women as their main community, and it will go unchallenged. Do you feel… Unable to be your full self in front of this leader or community?Required or strongly expected to give up your personal boundaries?Unable to question or critique the community or its leadership?Afraid to celebrate with leadership or ask them advice for fear of judgment?Monitored in your clothing choices, forced to only wear that which is deemed acceptable? Example: Your jeans are too tight, that two-piece bathing suit is not allowed in your personal life, etc.Forced to give up holidays, vacations, or even friendships, finding yourself isolated from those you used to be close to?Obligated to work multiple positions within the community for free or for an unlivable wage, and shamed directly or indirectly when you try to pull back from those obligations or create sustainable boundaries?Expected to work extremely hours hours no matter how sick, tired, or burnt out you may be?Unable to make choices or have opinions that are contradictory within the community without risk of being shamed or judged, directly or indirectly?If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, chances are that you have encountered a toxic community. Jesus flipped tables. When it was almost time for the Jewish Passover, Jesus went up to Jerusalem. In the temple courts he found people selling cattle, sheep and doves, and others sitting at tables exchanging money. So he made a whip out of cords, and drove all from the temple courts, both sheep and cattle; he scattered the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables. To those who sold doves he said, “Get these out of here! Stop turning my Father’s house into a market!”In the Gospel of John, Jesus is seen entering into the temple and flipping tables. But why?Though the timeline is uncertain, many theologians believe that Jesus entered the temple during His final Passover, right before He would be betrayed and death. This move was, of course, not accidental. It was an intentional act to cleanse the temple — and it would also become a direct catalyst for his crucifixion.His act in the temple was perhaps his most scandalous moment yet. A Rabbi known for counter-cultural gatherings where he spoke of turning the other cheek and emanated peace is now literally overturning tables and driving people out with a whip.Why was Jesus angry? What moved this gentle teacher to physically remove people from a holy space? I believe it is because when Jesus arrived at the temple, he did not find a house filled with prayers of brokenness, holy worship, and contrite sacrifice. Instead, he saw a system which required commerce from all people, including the poor. He saw spiritual abuse.So Jesus, ever the prophet, made a stand against it.By chasing out the animals and those selling them, Jesus prophetically stated how the church would be changed. The scholar Augustine states that “the expulsion of the beasts symbolized the new order of worship whose temple will have no sacrificial rite. If we do not understand the expulsion as a symbolic act, we have no reason for it since the animals were necessary and were not in themselves an abuse of the temple’s sanctity. Their removal was meant to symbolize the end of mediation toward God by sacrifice; the Mosaic system was not condemned but rather it was displaced as a result of its being superseded by the presence of Jesus… Therefore, He who scourged the sheep Himself was scourged for us.”By chasing out the money changers and merchants, Jesus prophetically removed those who would exploit people of faith under the guise of religion. It's important to note that this exploitation wasn't coming from the hands of the Romans, but directly from religious leaders who claimed to have direct access to God. Those who were entrusted to represent the kingdom of heaven on earth were abusing others in order to build their own empires. Anyone who turns a house of God into a business is a perpetrator of this type of spiritual abuse, and anyone who prioritizes the temple building itself over the people gathered inside it is a spiritual abuser.Jesus hates spiritual abuse.While today our own churches are not filled with noisy cows and sheep
