The Sex, Porn & Love Addiction Podcast

Gary McFarlane
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Gary McFarlane helps you understand Sex, Porn & Love Addiction. This podcast dives into the neuroscience behind these issues, guiding you on the path to recovery. For more resources, visit: www.kairos-centre.com.  Helping you better understand the neuroscience of the brain and sharing what we now better understand about the brain's involvement, from childhood development. To help you effect change; find the real authentic you (whose truth self went off at a tangent in childhood); so that as you discover and become re-acquainted with the real you, having learnt to like yourself, you are equipped to be the best that you can be. Maximise the living of an increased quality of life; and on the journey, achieve recovery and sobriety from Sex, Porn & Love Addiction using The Kairos Centre Changement Recovery Online Webinar programme; bringing colour back to life - without shame.What may be the world's first fully comprehensive Video-on-Demand Webinar Programme to help you gain sobriety and Recover from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction patterns of behaviour.First address the unresolved past uncomfortable events and then go after the Compulsive/Addiction activities.

  1. 5D AGO

    Sex Addict - you're so Narcissistic!

    Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Here is my mathematical formula - as we look at Narcissism: SHAME + NARCISSISM = SEX, PORN, LOVE ADDICTION I am not saying that those with Sex, Porn, Love Addiction are Narcissists. (Some may have NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder)). What I am saying is that all of my clients with Sex, Porn, Love Addiction, have traits which come out of NPD. Most of my clients will initially reject the suggestion that they have such traits - (me, myself & I focus) - until I explain the definition. Here is one of the definitions of Narcissism which I use. (In a past episode, I gave you the shorter simplified definition). This one is the longer, much more academic version: "Narcissism is a psychological disorder associated with grandiosity, a need for admiration and a lack of empathy. Narcissistic traits tend to run on a continuum. A higher psychologically functioning narcissist is often successful and charming but may have intimacy problems in relationships. A person who has a more severe form of narcissism may appear nearly delusional with their grandiosity and may act out destructively when they feel criticized. Narcissistic behavior involves much idealization and devaluation. Characteristics involve grandiosity, entitlement, lack of empathy, idealization of self and devaluation of others. Narcissistic damage occurs when a child's vulnerable and developing core sense of self is not seen and reflected back by the adults around him/her. Each child is born a unique individual with special gifts and personal challenges, multi-layered and both simple and complex. For any one layer to develop, that part of the child needs to be seen, heard, understood and valued. Parents have to be present to be mirrors—to bear witness and reflect back. Healthy, grounded parents help young people build a frame of reference for living.  When a parent's own woundedness and unmet needs override their ability to be present to a child or a parent's undeveloped parts of self render them unable to respond to a child's vulnerable and authentic needs, the child's core sense of self can be lost, fragmented or undeveloped. The loss, fragmentation and lack of development of the core sense of self is the root of the narcissistic wound. Raw, broken, undeveloped and lost, we enter a cold cruel world ill-equipped to relate, define fulfilment from the inside out and connect with the spirit of life.  When our primal wiring meets the world we live in today characterized by disconnection at personal, family and social levels, we experience a helplessness and aloneness that is beyond what we are biologically prepared to embrace. Narcissistic wounding is sometimes referred to as the emptiness wound". Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand. Help is here for you: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner. Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, trauma, ptsd, sex science, The sex porn love Addiction Podcast, The Singles Partners Marrieds and Long Time Marrieds Podcast, Gary McFarlane, porn addiction, what Support the show

    10 min
  2. Sex Addict - are you genuinely at 'ACTION' - on the 'STAGES OF CHANGE'?

    APR 3

    Sex Addict - are you genuinely at 'ACTION' - on the 'STAGES OF CHANGE'?

    Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Sex - Addict, maybe you really are not yet at the 'ACTION' stage, as you think you are! 'Tools for 'ACTION' won't work if that is not the STAGE you are at.  Let's look at where you might be at, despite turning up at the Therapists office because you have been caught and you have the Damocles sword over your head from the threats to leave and take the children - from your partner; or you have had the early morning knock at the door from the police and you are in the Criminal legal proccess and need to show to the system that you are taking steps to quit. Presenting for therapy does not mean you are ready for change and or to give up the behaviours. You see the 'need to give it up', but the 'desire to give it up' is lagging behind. I am multi-talented and do brain surgery on all of my Sex Porn Love Addiction clients. I explain that I am going to cut round your skull; lift off the top; remove your brain and put your brain on the chair next to you. (Don’t forget to take it when you leave!) Why do I do something so bizzare? Because I want you to know that your brain (we also call them “Parts”), is not your best friend all of the time. It is well intended. It is seeking to look after and protect you; but it does not always make right or best decisions for you in the moment. There are times when it will work against you. It will sabotage. That is why I encourage all of my clients to build in “Treats & Rewards” into their programme of change. Over time, of the brain experiencing treats & rewards for small incremental good outcomes, I hope (eventually) to entice the parts of the brain to Start to work with you. It likes treats & rewards for good outcomes. Make sense? There is another reason for doing brain surgery. I want to have a conversation with my clients, but I don’t want their brain to hear. I need to tell them something, but if their brain hears it, the brain may receive it as permission to Relapse. I don’t want to unwittingly give them that message. But I do want them to hear that all the stats will tell us that most individuals do not achieve sobriety at their first attempt to change any behaviour in their life. Usually there are a number of repeated attempts. Learn to get up, dust off and get back in. Remember 'The Potholes Poem'? Request a copy from me, if you need it. What are those 'STAGES OF CHANGE ' you are talking about Gary? The Stages of Change in behaviour occurs gradually. A person moves from being uninterested, unaware or unwilling to make a change (Pre-contemplation), to considering change (Contemplation), to deciding and Preparing to make a change.  Genuine determined Action then follows. Endeavours to Maintain the new behaviour occur, as well as the potential for Relapse snapping at its heel, to upset the journey towards life-long change.   Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand., Help is here for you: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner. Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, relationships, relationship counseling, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, sex addict, porn, recovery, porn addiction issue, relationship issues, sexual, trauma, ptsd, The sex porn love Addiction Podcast, The Singles Partners Marrieds and Long Time Support the show

    12 min

  3. MAR 27

    What's love got to do with it - Sex Addict?

    Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Love me in five ways: (See my Book - The Art of Loving) Most of us operate out of emotional love. Our love is conditional. Loving self comes first. If you do not love yourself, it is not possible to love someone with the high level of love you think you have for them. It is deception to think that we do love our partner, whilst not really able to say that we love our self. Learn to love yourself first. Individual counselling may be necessary to help you on the journey. Learn to love and then learn the art of practising love. Learn it well and then spend a lifetime discipline, maintaining and perfecting it as your love affair.  We know that the English word love is much over used. We use it for loving a meal as we do for loving our partner, the pet or ice cream. Using one word in that manner is a recipe for misunderstanding and certainly lacks precision in what we are trying to express. We can compare that to the way the word love is broken down and used in the Greek language. Historically the Greek language used at least five words precisely and quite distinctly to describe the various facets of love. By looking at each of those different word descriptions we can build up the identifying features of all the components that the word love should contain and demonstrate in all healthy, progressive and fulfilling relationships. Those five words for love are Epithumia, Eros, Phileo, Storge and Agape. Every couple’s love life should have all five facets of these aspects of love. Each is distinct, but inter-related and overlap. Each reinforces the other.  EPITHUMIA: (The sexual love): Epithumia is a strong desire - of any kind. It is a longing for something or someone. It is to set one’s heart or desire upon. It has components of coveting and to lust after. It can be a strong, lustful and physical sexual desire.  EROS: (Romance): Eros has been corrupted by the English word “erotic”. Eros is the driver for the romance in the relationship. Sometimes sensual, it is the desire and feeling of wanting to be together and yearning to unite. Eros is romantic, passionate and sentimental. It is the driver which causes lovers to write love poetry, love notes and give pet names to each other. It only keeps working as long as there is reciprocation and we can see benefits. STORGE: (Security): Storge is a most valuable and expensive gift. It is a relationship which will always be there for you, despite being rejected by others; a safe place/haven. It is the need (which we all have) to belong or to be a part of a close knit system with people who care, are loyal and sincere. It is a relationship which provides emotional refuge from a world which can be cold, harsh and hard. PHILEO: (Fellowship/Friendship): Phileo is the love one feels for a cherished friend of either sex. This love is conditional and is reactive to what it sees in the other. It is a love which cherishes and has tender affection for the beloved, but always expects a response.  AGAPE: (Unconditional): Agape is the fifth of our five loves. At some point in a relationship, we may be tested harshly indeed by a crisis. Perhaps for a longer period than we could have imagined or expected we have tried to love the unlovable. We are starkly face to face with a situation of “for better or for worse”. Unlovable traits show up in the partner. The toll on you has already been great.  Agape is the totally unselfish love that has the capacity to give and keep on giving without a recipr Support the show

    9 min

  4. MAR 20

    Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): What's that!

    Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Tools for repairing The Sex Addiction impacted couples relationship Couples get into a conflict dance of words and emotions, mostly because of their Attachment Fears - fears of being Abandoned. The conflict of words is rarely about the actual subject matter in dispute.   There is an under current of despair. It is rarely about the top left off the tooth paste or leaving the toilet seat up. Have a read of the Book “Hold me Tight” by Dr Sue Johnson. What goes wrong when love goes wrong. The clue is often in the childhood development years. Insecure Attachment is often at the root of the issues. Depleted Core Emotional Needs is a common feature.  What are those 'Loves' which go wrong? Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service & Physical Touch. What is 'the childhood Development years: From birth to just after puberty. Templates get set up, which we practice and then take with us into adulthood, to form our pattern of responses; but they may have worked in childhood, in family, up were not exportable into the new couples relationship. What are those Insecure Attachments? Anxious Attachment, Avoidant Attachment & Dismissive/Fearful Attachment. The ideal outcome from childhood Development should have been 'Secure Attachment'. What are those Core Emotional Needs? The top 10 of them are Acceptance, Affection, Appreciation, Approval, Attention, Comfort, Encouragement, Respect, Security & Support. Everyone of these issues have been looked at by me in past episodes. Go search them out. Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand. Help someone: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre Help is here for you: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner. Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, trauma, ptsd, sex science, The sex porn love Addiction Podcast, The Singles Partners Marrieds and Long Time Marrieds Podcast, Gary McFarlane, porn addiction, what neuroscience says, neuroscience, young adults, sex, sex addict, porn, recovery, porn addiction issue, porn addiction in teens, sex addiction in teens, sex hormones Support the show

    10 min

  5. MAR 13

    Sex Addiction partner, you are so childish!

    Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre In the 1950's Eric Berne began to develop his theories of Transactional Analysis (TA). He said that verbal communication is at the centre of human social relationships and is a transaction. He called it Transactional Analysis. This is our ingrained voice of authority, absorbed conditioning, learning and attitudes from when we were young. We were conditioned by our real parents, teachers, older people, next door neighbours, aunts and uncles and those in authority. It is a model about people and relationships - based on two notions. The first -  that we have three parts or 'ego-states' to our 'personality; secondly, that these converse with one another in 'transactions'. We each have internal models of Parents, Children and Adults within us. Those roles are played out with one another in our relationships. Many of our problems come from transactions which are unsuccessful. When you are trying to identify ego states, words are only part of the story. To analyse a transaction you need to see and feel what is being said as well, since only 7% of meaning is in the words spoken. 38% of meaning is from the way that the words are spoken and 55% is from facial expression. Beware of cultural differences in body-language or emphases that appear 'Parental'. Parent: There are two forms of Parent we can play. The Nurturing Parent is caring and concerned; often appearing as a mother-figure (men also play out that role). They seek to keep the Child contented, offering a safe haven and unconditional love to calm the Child's troubles. The Controlling (or Critical) Parent, tries to make the Child do as the parent wants them to do. They may also have negative intent, Adult: The Adult in us is the 'grown up' rational person who talks reasonably and assertively, neither trying to control nor reacting aggressively towards others. The Adult is comfortable with themself. Child: There are three types of Child we can play. The Natural Child is mostly not self-aware and is characterized by the non-speech noises they make (yahoo, whee). They like playing and are open and vulnerable. They are the curious and exploring; always trying out new stuff (often much to their Controlling Parent's annoyance). Along with the Natural Child they make up the Free Child. The Adaptive Child reacts to the world around them, either changing themselves to fit in or rebelling against the forces they feel. Conflict: Problems usually occur in crossed transactions, where each is talking to a different level of ego state. Watch out for crossed wires, as this is where conflict arises. When it happens, try to go to the state that the other person is in, to talk at the same level. For rational conversation, move yourself and the other person to the Adult level.  The parent is either nurturing or controlling. Often speaks to the child in their adaptive or ‘natural’ response. When both people talk as a Parent to the other’s Child, their wires get crossed and conflict results. The ideal line of communication is the mature and rational Adult-Adult relationship. At the core of Berne's theory is the rule that effective transactions (ie successful communications) must be complementary.  The problem: Being a Controlling Parent invites the other person into a Child state where they may conform with demands. There is also a risk that they will be an Adaptive 'naughty child' and rebel. They may also take opposing Parent or Adult states. Be a Nurturing Parent, talking at the same level Support the show

    13 min

  6. MAR 6

    Sex Addict - I said "I do", but you didn't...

    Send us Fan Mail More on unconscious Couples collusive fit dynamics of attraction By ROSIE IFOULD, 1 August 2011 http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2020944/Do-fight-like-cats-dogs-Or-half-pedestal-How-identifying-couple-type-transform-love-life.html#ixzz36JbJ34V9 Most of us take on set roles in our relationships whether we realise it or not. We like to think that every relationship is unique. Experts have identified six different ‘couple types’ that we all fall into. Psychologists say, identifying the type of couple type we are — or would like to be — holds the key to a happy relationship and being able to understand our own needs and those of our partner. The kind of couple we find ourselves in is largely influenced by what we’ve experienced growing up. We can’t help but take on board how our parents behaved. Often, we recreate the roles of our mothers and fathers. If you grew up seeing your father worship your mother, you might expect the same from your relationships.  CAT AND DOG This couple fight constantly. They can be screaming at each other in front of you and you say: “Why don’t you split up?” And they turn in unison and ask you: “Are you mad?” They enjoy the cycle of fight and make up (often accompanied by passionate sex). If one partner has an affair or does something to disrupt the trust, this becomes the relationship from hell. THRILL OF THE CHASE The pursuer/distancer couple, in which one partner is in pursuit of the other, trying to secure their attention and affection. One pretends they don’t want to know and the other enjoys the thrill of the chase. They take it in turns to play the pursuer or distancer. Whenever one senses the other is losing interest, they will switch.  What drives this couple is a fear of being seen as needy. They can develop a dependency on one another. PARENT AND CHILD "I’ve three children … including the one I’m married to!" They feel responsible for nurturing their partner, who they regard as less capable. It may occur when one partner becomes vulnerable — for instance, after they are ill or lose their job. The parent partner is attracted because they feel that in caring for this person, they have found a purpose in life. Parenting isn’t just about nurturing, it’s also about control. IDOL AND FAN Everything is black and white for this couple. One person is all good. Everything about them is wonderful and the other person worships them. One adopts the role of worshipper to boost the other’s self-esteem.  The idol may collude in telling the fan they are inferior and will never find anyone else to love them. This kind of relationship can be short-lived because there’s no room for either to develop. BABES IN THE WOOD These are two individuals who recognise great similarities in each other. It’s a pattern typically found in new relationships or where the partners may feel insecure. Perhaps they’ve been hurt in the past, so security appeals.  Often described as the best of friends, with a strong, united front. They can be so focused on each other that it’s difficult for anyone else to penetrate their world, including friends.  THE GROWN-UPS This is a functional relationship between two mature people at ease with their differences and with little interest in conflict. They are sensible and accommodating. These two will never have to face their dark s Support the show

    14 min

  7. FEB 27

    So partner - is that really how I chose you?

    Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Unconscious Couples Collusive fit - of attraction to each other. Identify with any of these dynamics in your partnered relationship - now or in the past? Henry Dicks suggested that there are three areas involved in a couple fit: A public fit of social class, ethnicity and education between couples. Each partner will have had different experiences from childhood. Both of the partners may have had attachment issues from childhood and have separation anxiety, but they may have different coping styles. One might be compulsive anxious attachment, one might have compulsive fearful avoidant attachment and both may struggle trusting an attachment figure. Babes in the Wood: Cling together in the face of impossible odds. Unconscious rejection - repressed anger within relationship - expressed anger at people outside the relationship by partner one. Unconscious rejection - repressed against anger within relationship - expressed anger at people outside the relationship by partner two. They often look the same and will behave in a likeable, affable manner. A couple such as this see all the bad things in the world as belonging in the outside world and not part of themselves. They keep anything bad out of their relationship. The world literally is a “big bad wolf” to them. Net and Sword: The ‘net’ shows all the love & tries to encompass, control or placate the sword. Conscious rejection - deny need or yearning for other by partner one. Conscious yearning by partner two. The relationship works well until one partner owns up to their denied feelings & decides they will not be responsible for the others unexpressed feelings. There is Conscious rejection deny need or yearning for other the by partner two. One partner shows all the love in the relationship and the other all the rejection. One partner expresses all the denied emotions that the other cannot or will not express. This relationship works well until one partner owns up to their denied feelings and decides they will not be responsible for the others unexpressed feelings, often plunging the other into confusion or profound feelings of loss. (One of them has moved the goalposts). Cat and Dog: Characterised by anger, rejection & other destructive emotions. Both are only conscious of the bad in each other. Conscious rejection - deny need or yearning for other by partner one. Conscious rejection deny need or yearning for other by partner two. They often will not separate because they fear they cannot or will not be able to find a relationship with anybody better. Yet they fight. (Like Tom & Jerry cartoon). It is portrayed in Edward Albee’s play "Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf", and is characterised by anger, rejection and a host of other destructive emotions. Both are only conscious of the bad in each other and their lives seem like a war zone. (Very similar to the relationship which Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor lived out). Intimacy is regulated by conflict and they often will not part because they fear they cannot or will not be able to find a relationship with anybody better. In these relationship 'fits', the couple relationship is marked by parts of themselves that they are denying; counselling can help the couple “re-fit” their relationship. Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand. Help is here for you: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, therapy, rel Support the show

    12 min

  8. FEB 20

    Partner - "How come I chose you as my Partner?"

    Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Mate/Partner selection, Collusive/Couple fit and all that: Why did I choose you and not someone else on planet earth? "I have never met you before or hardly know you, yet in a room of 100 people, I gravitate to you". How does that happen? My reply as a Therapist: "Because you 'promise' (or hold the potential) to fix and supplement an aspect of me which needs what you have - but I am not going to tell you that and make myself vulnerable." Say what? Yep. "So you are saying that we gravitate to sameness (to compliment each other), as well as differenceness (to supplement my perceived deficits) - which I don't want you to know about and even I don't necessarily and consciously want to own that fact?" All very odd. Yep - because most of that dynamic lives in the unconscious, which is what Therapy with The Kairos Centre helps you with - to move as much from the unconscious into the conscious; so that when it is now in the conscious, you get the opportunity to try to do something about it; but just because it is now in the conscious does not mean you will be able to change what is now visible - quickly. It takes take to effect change. Why? Because you are going after patterns of behaviours set up in the childhood development period, where blueprints and templates were established and set in place and practised into adulthood.  "So my thoughts and behaviours are going down a predictable course because of repeatedly practiced patterns of behaviours which have become neural pathways and it takes time to change well entrenched and well established patterns of behaviours which have become neural pathways?".  Yep. You got it. "Little wonder then that I set about trying to avoid getting it wrong again (by choosing that wrong type of partner) and to avoid that, I go to extreme opposite ends of the spectrum of attributes and blow me, I end up with someone where the same negative behaviours eventually show up again. Oh - yuk"! Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand. Help is here for you: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner. Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, trauma, ptsd, sex science, The sex porn love Addiction Podcast, The Singles Partners Marrieds and Long Time Marrieds Podcast, Gary McFarlane, porn addiction, what neuroscience says, neuroscience, young adults, sex, sex addict, porn, recovery, porn addiction issue, porn addiction in teens, sex addiction in teens, sex hormones,  Support the show

    13 min
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About

Gary McFarlane helps you understand Sex, Porn & Love Addiction. This podcast dives into the neuroscience behind these issues, guiding you on the path to recovery. For more resources, visit: www.kairos-centre.com.  Helping you better understand the neuroscience of the brain and sharing what we now better understand about the brain's involvement, from childhood development. To help you effect change; find the real authentic you (whose truth self went off at a tangent in childhood); so that as you discover and become re-acquainted with the real you, having learnt to like yourself, you are equipped to be the best that you can be. Maximise the living of an increased quality of life; and on the journey, achieve recovery and sobriety from Sex, Porn & Love Addiction using The Kairos Centre Changement Recovery Online Webinar programme; bringing colour back to life - without shame.What may be the world's first fully comprehensive Video-on-Demand Webinar Programme to help you gain sobriety and Recover from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction patterns of behaviour.First address the unresolved past uncomfortable events and then go after the Compulsive/Addiction activities.

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