Talking Your Way to Change: A Mental Health and Psychology Podcast

Xan Banker , Psy.D., L.P
  • 4.8 (8)
  • Mental Health

This is a podcast about slowing down, understanding ourselves more deeply, and finding steadiness in a complex world. Hosted by Dr. Xan Banker, a licensed psychologist with decades of clinical experience, each episode explores mental health, psychotherapy, trauma, nervous system responses, relationships, and the inner patterns that shape how we cope. This is a space for reflection, emotional insight, and practical tools — not quick fixes, but meaningful change over time. This podcast is for educational purposes only and not a substitute for professional help.

  1. Sep 12

    Why One Mistake Can Become Your Identity

    When a Setback Becomes an Identity: The Feared Self, Beliefs, and the Stories We CarryThis episode looks at why insight alone often does not change behavior, even when someone knows exactly what they “should” do. Dr. Banker explains how setbacks can get folded into identity, how schemas shape the meaning we assign to events, and why real change usually requires both reflection and repeated new experiences.We discuss the difference between taking responsibility and turning a mistake into a self-definition, plus practical ways to interrupt shame spirals and keep moving toward the person you want to become.Key topics Dr. Banker explores why people can know the right thing intellectually and still feel stuck emotionally or behaviorally.The episode focuses on the psychology of the self, especially possible selves and the feared self.A mistake, relapse, rejection, or lapse can quickly become identity language like “this is who I am.”Dr. Banker explains how collapsing behavior into identity tends to intensify shame and make change harder.The episode distinguishes responsibility from self-condemnation, emphasizing guilt, repair, and accountability without global self-attack.Schemas are introduced as organized belief systems that act like a recipe for interpreting life experiences.New events are filtered through existing beliefs, so the same criticism, rejection, or setback can mean very different things to different people.Self-sabotage is reframed as behavior that often makes sense once you understand the beliefs underneath it.Therapy is presented as more than thought replacement—it can include insight, understanding the origin and function of beliefs, and accumulating new lived experiences.Dr. Banker closes with the idea that growth means letting behavior inform you without letting it define you completely.Timestamps00:00 - Why insight does not always lead to change01:19 - Introducing schemas as the deeper system beneath behavior02:16 - When goals get filtered through fear, shame, and old beliefs03:18 - Responsibility without collapsing into identity04:17 - Two paths after relapse or failure05:14 - Schemas as organized patterns or “recipes”06:37 - Why the same event means different things to different people07:36 - When a mistake becomes proof of your feared self08:33 - How schemas drive self-sabotage and avoidance09:32 - Why therapy is more than replacing negative thoughts10:54 - Insight, origin, function, and new experiences11:53 - Building new evidence through action and risk12:24 - Asking what the next version of you would do13:19 - The value of micro decisions and repeated practice13:40 - Questions to ask after a mistake or rejection14:34 - Behavior can inform you without defining youNotable quotesCopy“A behavior can tell us something important without being allowed to tell us everything about who we are.”Copy“The work is learning that a behavior can tell us something important without being allowed to tell us everything about who we are.”Copy“Our stories aren’t finished.”

  2. Sep 4

    #89 The Stories You Tell Yourself Are Not Facts

    This solo guided reflection invites listeners to step back from rigid self-definitions and consider who they are becoming. You are not stuck with the story you’ve been telling yourself. This short guided reflection helps you loosen old labels, question the beliefs that have been running your life, and start becoming the version of you that feels more real, more confident, and more free.With calming breathwork and a series of powerful affirmations, this episode creates space to notice the difference between who you’ve been told you are and who you’re still becoming. It gently challenges the “I’ve always been this way” mindset and replaces it with something far more useful: the idea that change is possible, even when it starts small.You’ll hear affirmations about: letting go of outdated self-definitions doing things before you feel fully confident making mistakes without turning them into identity holding your boundaries without apology growing without deciding you were never enough to begin with The reflection also invites you to picture a future version of yourself - not a perfect one, just someone with a little more ease, trust, and self-kindness - and then asks what small step you can take today to move in that direction.If you’ve been feeling stuck, overly self-critical, or uncertain about what comes next, this is a reset worth pressing play on. It’s especially useful when you need a calm moment to step back, breathe, and remember that you are still becoming. 00:00 - Arriving in the present and creating space to reflect 00:33 - Different versions of yourself across time 01:03 - Why self-beliefs are stories, not facts 01:32 - How experiences and other people's views shape identity 02:03 - Making room for who you are becoming 02:46 - Undiscovered strengths and unfinished growth 03:26 - Affirming permission to change 03:52 - Acting before confidence fully arrives 04:26 - Mistakes as information, not definition 04:52 - Hearing other opinions without making them your identity 05:12 - Wanting more without devaluing who you are today 05:41 - Imagining a future self with more ease and trust 06:38 - Looking at how that future self moves through ordinary life 07:13 - Small choices that create real change 07:43 - Asking who you are becoming 08:01 - Practicing that identity in small, concrete ways 08:24 - Closing reminder that you are still becoming

  3. Aug 19

    #88 Motivation and the Self: Who We Think We Are Shapes What We Do

    This is the 4th Episode in a Self Series: Motivation and the Self: How Who I Am Influences What I DoEpisode #1: Answering the Question Who am I? What is Your Self-Concept  Episode #2: The Self-Concept is Dynamic  Episode #3: The Secret to Psychological Freedom: Strengthening the Part of You That Knows  This episode explores how self-concept, possible selves, and motivation work together in a way that is more practical than abstract. The core idea is simple but powerful: changing behavior is often less about “wanting it badly enough” and more about how clearly you can imagine who you are becoming. Xan walks through the psychology of hoped-for selves, feared selves, and the gap between current behavior and future standards. The result is a clear framework for understanding why motivation sometimes moves us forward, and why it sometimes pushes us into avoidance instead. In this episode: motivation is defined as the process that energizes, directs, and sustains behavior toward or away from outcomes. self-concept is not fixed - different parts of identity become more accessible depending on context, role, and relationship. possible selves, introduced by Hazel Markus and Paula Nurius, include hoped-for selves, expected selves, and feared selves. I imagining a healthy future self works best when it includes not just appearance, but behavior - what that person does on an ordinary Tuesday. one mechanism for change is cognitive accessibility - behaviors linked to a future self may become more likely to enter consideration. the gap between current self and desired self can create motivation, but only when the gap feels workable. when the gap feels too large, people may avoid the comparison instead of trying to close it - through scrolling, procrastination, drinking, or withdrawal. feared possible selves can motivate change, but if they start to feel inevitable, shame and hopelessness can take over. sometimes people are pulled between two feared futures at once, such as staying in a harmful situation or leaving and facing another risk. identity is not only shaped by what we believe about ourselves - repeated behavior also feeds back into self-concept, like “votes” for the person we are becoming. 00:00 - What healthy change actually looks like 00:46 - Why imagining a future self is not enough 01:43 - How future behaviors become mentally available 03:09 - Describe an ordinary Tuesday, not just an ideal image 03:53 - When the gap between selves becomes a motivator 06:20 - Why visualization alone rarely changes behavior 07:17 - A “recipe” for the behaviors of a future self 10:02 - When the feared future starts to feel inevitable 11:26 - Ideal self, ought self, and possible self 14:06 - Who created the standard you are chasing? 15:21 - Holding ambition and limitation at the same time 18:06 - Motivation without making outcomes the whole identity 20:25 - Behavior as evidence for identity 23:46 - Questions to ask when motivation is stuck 25:12 - Becoming someone, not just accomplishing something Markus, H., & Nurius, P. (1986). Possible selves. American Psychologist, 41(9), 954–969. VanDellen, M. R., & Hoyle, R. H. (2008). Possible selves as behavioral standards in self-regulation. Self and Identity, 7(3), 295–304.  Higgins, E. T. (1987). Self-discrepancy: A theory relating self and affect. Psychological Review, 94(3), 319–340.  Oyserman, D. (2009). Identity-based motivation: Implications for action-readiness, procedural-readiness, and consumer behavior. Journal of Consumer Psychology, 19(3), 250–260.  Oyserman, D., & Destin, M. (2010). Identity-based motivation: Implications for intervention. The Counseling Psychologist, 38(7), 1001–1043.  Additional resource discussed Clear, J. (2018). Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones. Avery. I'd list this under something like

  4. Jul 31

    #87 The Secret to Psychological Freedom: Strengthening the Part of You That Knows

    In this episode of Talking Your Way to Change, Dr. Xan Banker dives deep into the fascinating nature of self-awareness, emphasizing how our ability to observe and reflect on ourselves is uniquely human and vital for growth and resilience. If you've ever wondered how we develop a sense of self, or how therapy helps us expand our inner awareness, this episode offers clear insights grounded in psychology, philosophy, and everyday experience. The dual role of the self as both the experiencer and the observer, a concept introduced over 130 years ago by William James. How the capacity to step outside our immediate experiences enables self-regulation, emotional intelligence, and intentional change. The development of self-awareness through early attachments, shared engagement, and intersubjectivity, highlighting the importance of relationships. The therapeutic process of strengthening the "knower" within us to better respond rather than react to life's challenges. Practical examples, including the analogy of running, illustrating how shifting perspective helps tolerate discomfort and fosters growth. 00:00 - Introduction to the theme: The human gift of self-awareness and reflection 00:40 - The extraordinary part of being human: Observing your own reactions and emotions 01:11 - The evolution of understanding the self: William James and the dual aspects of self 02:06 - The importance of reflection: Why experiencing emotions alone is limited 02:34 - The two functions of the mind: Experience and observation 03:25 - The self as both the knower and the known: Building a sense of identity over time 04:21 - The role of the observing self: Self-awareness, self-control, and regulation 05:20 - How therapy enhances the capacity to know oneself: Insight and intentionality 06:14 - The social roots of self-knowledge: Early attachment and shared engagement 07:33 - The process of intersubjectivity: Learning about ourselves through others 08:55 - The role of relationships in shaping self-awareness and identity** 09:49 - How therapy borrows and then develops the capacity to observe ourselves** 10:34 - The power of the shared space of intersubjectivity: Therapy as a mirror 11:12 - Respond vs react: The freedom gained from self-awareness 11:20 - A personal story illustrating the knower and known in running** 13:10 - Contextualizing discomfort: The example of running and psychological flexibility 14:34 - Moving between streams of awareness: The back-seat observer 15:58 - How strengthening the reflective self leads to resilience and change** 16:57 - Final thoughts: The human capacity for curiosity, choice, and growth References Bateman, A., & Fonagy, P. (2016). Mentalization-based treatment for personality disorders: A practical guide. Oxford University Press. Beck, A. T. (1976). Cognitive therapy and the emotional disorders. International Universities Press. Fonagy, P., Gergely, G., Jurist, E. L., & Target, M. (2002). Affect regulation, mentalization, and the development of the self. Other Press. James, W. (1890). The principles of psychology (Vols. 1–2). Henry Holt. https://doi.org/10.1037/10538-000 Kabat-Zinn, J. (1994). Wherever you go, there you are: Mindfulness meditation in everyday life. Hyperion. Segal, Z. V., Williams, J. M. G., & Teasdale, J. D. (2018). Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy for depression (2nd ed.). Guilford Press. Sterba, R. (1934). The fate of the ego in analytic therapy. International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 15, 117–126. Stern, D. N. (1985). The interpersonal world of the infant: A view from psychoanalysis and developmental psychology. Basic Books. Stern, D. N. (2004). The present moment in psychotherapy and everyday life. W. W. Norton. Trevarthen, C., & Aitken, K. J. (2001). Infant intersubjectivity: Research, theory, and clinical applications. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 42(1), 3–48.

  5. Jul 14

    #86 The Self Doesn't Just Describe Who You Are—It Shapes How You Experience the World

    This episode explores how the self is more than static qualities; it is an active, ever-changing psychological system. By unraveling the layers of self-concept, self-processes, and the different versions of ourselves, we gain tools for healthier self-management and deeper self-awareness—crucial for both personal growth and effective therapy. The self is like a river—always changing, yet maintaining enough continuity that we still recognize it as the same river. Psychologists developed the schema theory to explain how we interpret new experiences based on existing mental templates about ourselves. The concept of the working self is a subset of self-concept activated by circumstances and relationships. Different relationships activate different “working selves,” influencing behavior and emotional states. The idea of possible selves (actual, ideal, ought, and feared selves) highlights how perceptions of these versions can lead to discouragement or motivation. Problems often arise when these self-versions diverge significantly, creating gaps that foster feelings of hopelessness, anxiety, or stagnation. External influences and social comparisons often distort our perception of what is truly healthy or attainable. Therapy helps individuals differentiate and internalize healthier self-processes, moving from external regulation to internal resilience. The episode foreshadows a deeper exploration of the self’s observer—what it is that notices these various selves and thoughts. 00:00 - Introduction to the self as a dynamic system 00:28 - The metaphor of the river and constant change 00:55 - Self-concept as content versus active system 1:24 - Behavior regulation and self-processes 2:24 - Schema theory and self-interpretation 2:54 - Impact of self-schemas on perception and emotion 3:23 - How different self-views influence reactions and feelings 3:50 - Self-esteem and therapy beyond mere validation 4:20 - Changing how we relate to our existing self 5:04 - The role of therapeutic relationships in shifting self-processes 6:11 - Activation of different working selves in relationships 7:07 - How therapy changes symptom expression through self-concept 8:04 - Multiple versions of the self: actual, ideal, and possible selves 9:34 - Risks of divergence between current and ideal self 10:04 - Living in the gap creates discouragement or living from obligation 11:28 - Cultural influences and the deception of perceived perfection 12:45 - Risks of risky behaviors as emotional regulation 13:43 -self & personal values 14:09 - Therapy as a journey away from feared selves toward healthier ones 15:06 - The ultimate question: Who is the observer of these selves? References  Higgins, E. T. (1987). Self-discrepancy: A theory relating self and affect. Psychological Review, 94(3), 319–340. Fiske, S. T., & Taylor, S. E. (2021). Social Cognition (4th ed.). Leary, M. R. (2004). The Curse of the Self. Leary, M. R., & Tangney, J. P. (2012). Handbook of Self and Identity (2nd ed.). Markus, H. (1977). Self-schemata and processing information about the self. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 35(2), 63–78. Markus, H., & Wurf, E. (1987). The dynamic self-concept: A social psychological perspective. Annual Review of Psychology, 38, 299–337. Markus, H., & Nurius, P. (1986). Possible selves. American Psychologist, 41(9), 954–969. Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory. Fonagy, P., Gergely, G., Jurist, E. L., & Target, M. (2002). Affect Regulation, Mentalization, and the Development of the Self. Key insights from the episode:Timestamps:This episode leaves us pondering the vital role of self-awareness—the ability to observe our myriad selves without becoming identified with any single version. The next step? Exploring the distinction between the self that is known and the self that does the knowing, unlocking a deeper layer of understanding of consciousness itself.

  6. Jul 1

    #85 Who Are You? Exploring the Layers of Self-Identity

    This episode explores the concept of self-identity, how it shapes our lives, and how understanding our self-concept can lead to greater resilience and self-awareness. Dr. Xan Banker guides listeners through reflective exercises and psychological insights to deepen self-understanding. It is the first in a series "What is the Self?" Keywords self-identity, self-concept, psychology, resilience, self-awareness, mental health, personal growth Key Topics The difference between self-concept and self-esteem How roles and relationships shape identity The internal and external aspects of self Psychological exercises to explore self-identity Cultural influences on self-perception The dynamic nature of the self like a river The impact of role loss on self-identity Understanding different selves: actual, ideal, feared The active role of self-concept in organizing experience Practical steps to expand and strengthen self-identity Chapters 00:00 Understanding the Self: The Many Versions Within 22:18 The River of Self-Concept: Change and Continuity 24:04 Introduction to the Podcast 24:35 Disclaimer on Mental Health Topics

  7. Jun 2

    #84 Why You Struggle to Set Boundaries (Even When You Know Exactly What to Say)

    Summary This episode explores the complex nature of boundaries from a psychodynamic and mentalizing perspective, emphasizing internal processes, common mistakes, and practical insights for setting healthy boundaries. Keywords boundaries, mentalization, psychodynamic, self-protection, relationships, emotional safety, boundary setting, internal processes Key Topics The internal experience of boundary setting Common mistakes in boundary setting The role of mentalization in boundaries Chapters 00:00 Understanding Boundaries in Modern Culture 10:36 The Challenge of Setting Boundaries 16:32 Internal Conflicts and Boundary Struggles 20:55 Understanding Boundaries in Caregiving 23:39 Defining Boundaries: What They Are and Aren't 26:29 Common Mistakes in Setting Boundaries 31:14 Understanding Boundaries and Certainty 32:58 Compassion vs. Tolerance in Relationships

  8. Apr 27

    #83 Social Anxiety: A Smaller World and a Crowded Mind

    In this episode, Dr. Banker breaks down social anxiety beyond stereotypes—exploring what it truly looks like, how it forms, and what healing entails. Whether you struggle with it or want to understand someone who does, you'll come away with clarity about this often-misunderstood condition and practical insights for growth. Key topics covered: Treating social anxiety doesn't mean becoming loud or overly extroverted; it’s about building a new relationship with discomfort The importance of gradual exposure and self-acceptance in healing social anxiety How social anxiety can be hidden behind phrases like "I'm just shy" or "I'm introverted" The core fear of social evaluation and how it manifests physically and psychologically Differences between social anxiety, shyness, and introversion The hidden costs of social anxiety, such as shrinking opportunities for self-esteem and connection The role of avoidance and the importance of honest reflection to discern between preference and fear-based behavior The impact of alcohol as a short-term social lubricant and its long-term risks How hyper-focus on social judgment exacerbates anxiety and misinterprets neutral cues Timestamps:00:00 - What does healing from social anxiety really mean? 00:30 - Building a relationship with discomfort and embracing imperfection 01:00 - Self-acceptance and moving towards your ideal life 01:28 - Social anxiety as a response to nervous system overanalysis 02:03 - The physical symptoms and internal monitoring in social anxiety 02:28 - Why social anxiety often goes unnoticed despite high functionality 03:19 - Normalizing avoidance and the distinction from shyness and introversion 03:58 - The core fear: negative evaluation and how it drives behavior 04:39 - The physiological feedback loop in social anxiety 05:05 - Why some people normalize their social fears as part of who they are 06:00 - The difference between shyness, introversion, and social anxiety 07:00 - How social anxiety affects self-esteem and personal growth 08:28 - The hidden costs of social anxiety, including avoidance and reliance on alcohol 09:24 - The exhausting cycle of hyper-focused social perception 10:02 - The risks of alcohol use to temporarily mask social fears 11:29 - The importance of stopping assumptions about social cues and judgments 11:53 - How neutral social moments are often personalized by anxious minds 12:21 - The goal: stop assuming every social cue is a verdict on your worth Clark, D. M., & Wells, A. (1995). A cognitive model of social phobia. In R. G. Heimberg, M. R. Liebowitz, D. A. Hope, & F. R. Schneier (Eds.), Social phobia: Diagnosis, assessment, and treatment (pp. 69–93). Guilford Press. Hofmann, S. G. (2007). Cognitive factors that maintain social anxiety disorder: A comprehensive model and its treatment implications. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, 36(4), 193–209. https://doi.org/10.1080/16506070701421313 Heimberg, R. G. (2002). Cognitive-behavioral therapy for social anxiety disorder: Current status and future directions. Biological Psychiatry, 51(1), 101–108. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0006-3223(01)01183-0 Rapee, R. M., & Heimberg, R. G. (1997). A cognitive-behavioral model of anxiety in social phobia. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 35(8), 741–756. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0005-7967(97)00022-3 Moscovitch, D. A. (2009). What is the core fear in social phobia? A new model to facilitate individualized case conceptualization and treatment. Cognitive and Behavioral Practice, 16(2), 123–134. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cbpra.2008.04.002 Hope, D. A., Heimberg, R. G., & Turk, C. L. (2010). Managing social anxiety: A cognitive-behavioral therapy approach (2nd ed.). Oxford University Press. Cain, S. (2012). Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking. Crown Publishers. Hanh, T. N. (2015). Silence: The power of quiet in a world full of noise. HarperOne.

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This is a podcast about slowing down, understanding ourselves more deeply, and finding steadiness in a complex world. Hosted by Dr. Xan Banker, a licensed psychologist with decades of clinical experience, each episode explores mental health, psychotherapy, trauma, nervous system responses, relationships, and the inner patterns that shape how we cope. This is a space for reflection, emotional insight, and practical tools — not quick fixes, but meaningful change over time. This podcast is for educational purposes only and not a substitute for professional help.

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