In Revelations 9 our favourite cranky god unleashes 200 million horses with lion heads, breathing fire out BOTH ends (insert fart joke) because apparently hell needed a cavalry! Which is pretty metal of him, not gonna lie. First up: some scary monster locusts clearly designed by a committee, none of whom had ever actually seen a locust. These guys rock scorpion tails, the faces of men, the hair of women and the teeth of lions. Horrifying as that sounds, don't worry — they can't kill you! They just torture you for a very precise, bureaucratically mandated five months. Then the sixth trumpet sounds, god decides subtlety is for losers and goes with 200 million horsemen — riding horses with lion heads that breathe fire, smoke and brimstone, with vicious serpent-headed tails , and a body count of one third of humanity..... Seems like a slight overreaction bro. And yet, the survivors still don't repent and continue to thug it out. Meanwhile, team leader Abaddon, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, is technically running the entire operation off the strength of one biblical mention — classic middle management. Fully scripted. Packed with Jokes. Heavily produced. Featuring Judas's haemorrhoid theory of the apocalypse and Abaddon's deeply unimpressive & dull locust army. PATREON If you're not willing to repent of your murders, nor your sorceries, nor your fornication, nor your thefts — congratulations, you are ONE OF US, and we've got a place for you. Join for 2 bonus episodes a month, early ad-free access, and exclusive extras, including more of John of Patmos's diary, where this week he digs up the letter he wrote to Jesus as a child asking him to destroy the Earth and keep everyone else out of Heaven — and confirms it still holds up. No notes. What a champ.👉 Join Our Community on Patreon Here → patreon.com/satanismysuperhero CONTINUE THE JOURNEY Missed how we got from four trumpets to five? Go back to Episode 129, where God rips a cone, a poisoned star called Wormwood ruins everyone's day, and somehow the whole thing loops back to Chernobyl. 👉 Listen to Book of Revelation Chapter 8 | God Gets High, Chernobyl Happens MAIL US Got a locust-horse of your own, a demon with only one biblical mention, or hate mail worthy of Abaddon's résumé? Send your weird religious experiences, moral panic evidence, paranormal claims, apocalypse sightings and cult stories to satanismysuperhero@gmail.com — we read everything, we judge everything, and we will absolutely use it against you. Satan Is My Superhero is a satirical, fully researched and evidence-based comedy show for adults. We investigate history, religion, conspiracy theories and other assorted human nonsense for the purposes of comedy, criticism and analysis. Full lists of sources for each episode can be provided upon request. Satan Is My Superhero does NOT want to recruit you into a cult, overthrow the government or teach you how to summon the Devil. We DO NOT actually believe in Satan. Judas, Lexi and the Satan Is My Superhero team do not endorse hatred, discrimination, violence, self-harm or illegal activity. Send us Fan Mail Support the show Welcome, Sinners! We’re building a cult — the good kind. No robes, just laughs. Catch every blasphemous episode: Listen Here Wear your heresy: Merch Store Support the pod & unlock Hoots songs: Patreon Your reviews, shares, and smart-ass comments keep the cult alive.
