My Inner Torch

DS
  • 4.2 (18)
  • Self-Improvement
  • Weekly

My Inner Torch offers direct and personal insight with help for those of us in a relationship with someone who is undiagnosed/diagnosed with a Cluster B Personality Disorder. This is a safe place to come for words of inspiration that draw from my personal experiences and is produced to gain understanding and to find direction as we navigate through the often difficult relationships with those we love who suffer with a Cluster B personality disorder that includes BPD and NPD. PLEASE NOTE: This podcast is NOT for those who suffer with these disorders. This podcast is for survivors of these challenging and difficult relationships.

  1. 4d ago

    Codependency: Are We Codependent, or Are They?

    Send us Fan Mail 🎯 Key Takeaways Core Points: I check whether I feel valuable only when someone needs my help.I stop treating need as love. Dependency and emotional reciprocity are different things.I expect pushback when I set boundaries. Negative reactions don’t prove I’m wrong, but they reveal how much the relationship relied on my old role.I stop taking responsibility for another adult’s emotions. I can’t regulate someone else or reassure away their insecurity.I recognize when my need for the relationship outweighs its health.I protect my own needs by reconnecting with my friends, interests, and decisions. 🔍 Summary The Survivor’s Rescuer Role Codependency isn’t a formal diagnosis. It describes a pattern where my self-worth or emotional stability becomes tied to another person’s moods, needs, or approval. Survivors often become fixers and peacekeepers, resolving conflict and explaining themselves when accused. Each time the relationship settles, I feel relief and mistake it for proof of health. Over time, the crisis becomes an opportunity to rescue, and the rescue reinforces my sense of purpose. Walking away can feel like losing a role, not just a partner. Supporting a partner is normal. The problem arises when support turns into full responsibility for their well-being. Dependency on the Cluster B Side The partner with significant cluster B traits can be dependent too. Fear of abandonment, fragile self-worth, and difficulty regulating emotions can create strong reliance. But this dependency may not involve reciprocity. They can need my attention and reassurance while giving little in return. This mismatch confuses survivors. The answer is that dependency and reciprocity are separate. Someone can need what I provide without being able to provide what I need. When Two Dependencies Intertwine Two dependencies can lock together. One person gets to be needed, the other gets consistent support and emotional labor. Shared fear of loss keeps the relationship going, even though it meets some emotional needs and fails others. Relying on each other doesn’t automatically make both people codependent. Healthy interdependence involves shared support and responsibility. The real problem arises when need becomes entangled with identity, control, or emotional stability. The Effect of Setting Boundaries Change often begins when I stop rescuing. Saying no, over-explaining less, and withdrawing constant reassurance can feel like rejection to the other person. They may respond with anger, withdrawal, or attempts to restore the old arrangement. Such reactions aren’t automatic proof of codependency, but they show how much the relationship depended on my old behavior. The key question I must answer honestly: was the relationship built on mutual support, or on one person constantly accommodating the other? Why Survivors Stay Survivors often stay even when they see dysfunction. Leaving can mean losing a long-held role as the dependable, understanding, or forgiving one. Guilt, fear for the other person, and the belief that stopping means failing the relationship keep me in place. I challenge these beliefs directly. Why is one adult’s functioning my job? Why does my own well-being get postponed? Examining my patterns doesn’t mean blaming myself for their behavior. It means identifying where I have choices. Love Versus Need Being needed can feel like being valued, but a partner who depends on me may not respect my feelings, honor my boundaries, or take responsibility for harm. Need isn’t love. Fear of abandonment isn’t commitment. Dependency isn’t intimacy. A healthy relationship allows two whole individuals to choose to care for each other. Practical Steps Forward I can’t fix another person’s emotional patterns by sacrificing my own well-being. Instead, I examine my participation. Useful questions include whether I feel guilty for putting my needs first, whether I feel valuable only when helping, and whether I fear the relationship will collapse if I stop accommodating. I also ask, “Who am I when I’m not trying to fix this person?” The time and energy freed by stepping back can rebuild my friendships, interests, and independent decision-making. The goal isn’t deciding who needs whom more. It’s recognizing when my need for the relationship has become more important than its health. Support the show

  2. Oct 23

    Who are YOU to your Cluster B?

    Send us Fan Mail 🎯 Key Takeaways Core Points: I explain that in dysfunctional relationships, partners often adopt predictable roles such as rescuers or peacekeepers.I note that being needed by a partner with Cluster B traits does not equal genuine love or respect.I encourage survivors to examine their own motives for staying and managing crises instead of blaming the partner solely.I highlight how setting firm boundaries often triggers heavy resistance within the relationship system.I advise listeners to separate self-worth from utility and focus on personal needs rather than ongoing caretaking. 🔍 Summary Examining Relationship Roles I challenge listeners to rethink their position within dysfunctional dynamics. Instead of focusing solely on the partner’s actions, I ask who you have become to maintain the connection. Many survivors find themselves acting as permanent rescuers, peacekeepers, or emotional regulators. I point out that these roles provide predictability and utility rather than mutual respect. This realization forces individuals to confront whether they are truly seen as people or merely valued for the functions they perform. The Reality of Utility Versus Love I make a painful distinction between being needed and being loved. A partner with Cluster B traits might depend heavily on someone for emotional stability and validation without being capable of true reciprocity. I explain that interpreting a partner’s fear of loss as pure affection is a common trap. When the utility stops, the dynamic shifts dramatically. The Cost of Changing Behavior I discuss what happens when the assigned role is abandoned. Setting boundaries, stopping immediate rescues, or demanding accountability often leads to harsh accusations from the partner. I note that the system resists change because the old, compliant version of the individual was convenient. This resistance proves that the relationship relied on a specific, functional role rather than a healthy partnership. Personal Accountability and Healing I reflect on my personal experiences as a rescuer and emphasize that survivors must take ownership of their own behavior. Acknowledging participation in these patterns is different from taking blame for a partner’s pathology. I conclude by urging listeners to shift focus away from managing someone else’s emotional state and toward discovering their own identity and authentic needs. Support the show

  3. Oct 16

    Is the Cluster B a MONSTER?

    Send us Fan Mail 🎯 Key Takeaways Core Points: I explain that labeling someone with cluster B traits as a monster oversimplifies complex psychological issues and emotional dysregulation.Intent and impact are separate concepts; I note that even without conscious malice, harmful patterns still inflict real emotional pain.Survivors often fall into a rescuer mentality, believing that understanding a partner’s trauma will automatically fix the relationship dynamics.Establishing firm personal boundaries is necessary because I stress that compassion for someone’s wounds does not require accepting ongoing abuse.The primary focus should shift away from diagnosing others and toward evaluating what the relationship does to your own well-being. 🔍 Summary The Monster Label Versus Psychological Reality I address the common question of whether individuals with cluster B personality traits are simply monsters due to their hurtful actions. While malicious behavior and intentional manipulation certainly occur, I argue that human behavior is often far more complex. Severe personality dysfunction distorts how individuals interpret relationships, leading to poor emotional regulation, intense shame, and fragile self-images. I share personal reflections regarding a spouse to illustrate that what looks like calculated cruelty can sometimes stem from genuine internal distortions, where the person genuinely believes their own altered version of reality. Separating Intent From Impact I emphasize that understanding the psychological roots of behavior does not excuse the harm caused. Drawing a clear distinction between intent and impact, I explain that stepping on someone’s foot hurts regardless of whether it was accidental. When hurtful patterns repeat and accountability is avoided, the original intent matters less than the ongoing consequence. I point out that survivors frequently experience cluster B amnesia, where past arguments and promises are seemingly erased or rewritten, leaving the partner in a state of confusion and emotional distress. Shifting From Rescuing to Self-Preservation I detail the trap of the rescuer mentality, where one believes that deep understanding and endless patience can fix a disordered partner. However, I conclude that comprehending someone’s pathology does not grant the power to change them or justify enduring continuous damage. Ultimately, I advise survivors to stop trying to solve the mystery of another person’s mind and instead focus on personal healing by evaluating how the relationship affects their own mental health and boundaries. Support the show

  4. Oct 9

    They are who THEY are!

    Send us Fan Mail 🎯 Key Takeaways Core Points: I explain that survivors often spend years waiting for partners with Cluster B traits to change, apologies to happen, or accountability to be taken.I note that the initial persona or honeymoon phase can act as a mask, causing confusion when problematic behavioral patterns eventually surface.I advise against falling in love with potential or false hope, stressing that real change requires consistent behavior and respect for boundaries over time.I highlight the necessity of grieving the future expectation and fantasy of who the partner was believed to be rather than waiting for them to transform.I encourage shifting the primary focus from asking when the partner will change to deciding what personal actions and boundaries to implement based on current reality.🔍 Summary The Trap of Waiting for Change I explore the common tendency among survivors to remain in difficult relationships for years, holding onto the hope that a partner with Cluster B traits will eventually apologize, take accountability, and change. I explain that this prolonged waiting stems from remembering the intense chemistry, affection, and vulnerability displayed during the early stages of the relationship. When hurtful behaviors emerge later, survivors often try to resurrect that initial persona by communicating better, offering more love, or waiting for a temporary calm to become permanent. I point out that this reliance on potential traps individuals in dysfunctional dynamics, as they measure the relationship by its best moments rather than its consistent patterns. The Reality of the Mask and Personas I address the painful realization that the person who initially provided so much love and understanding may have been presenting a false persona or mask. I question whether the early version of the partner was the baseline or if the behavior shown during conflict, boundary-setting, and rejection represents the true reality. This contradiction creates severe psychological conflict for me and other survivors, who struggle to reconcile the two distinct versions of the same individual living in our minds. I emphasize that accepting someone requires looking at the entire picture and believing the consistent patterns of behavior rather than the temporary return of the initial presentation. Grieving Expectations and Reclaiming Personal Power I explain that true acceptance involves grieving the expectation of a future relationship and the fantasy of who the partner was believed to be, rather than waiting for an elusive confession or apology. I note that this grief is often compounded by the realization that the desired ending may never arrive. By letting go of the responsibility to fix or change the partner, I highlight how survivors can reclaim their power. The central question transitions from wondering when the partner will change to deciding what personal boundaries, responses, and self-respect to uphold based on the current reality. Support the show

  5. Oct 1

    You ARE being abused!

    Send us Fan Mail 🎯 Key Takeaways Core Points: Acknowledging abuse in yourself is uniquely difficult.Identify abuse through consistent behavior patterns, not isolated incidents.Stop internalizing self-doubt, known as reverse gaslighting.Understand denial as a natural survival and protection mechanism.Validate your own experiences to begin the healing process.🔍 Summary The Difficulty of Acknowledging Abuse I discuss the challenge of calling personal experiences “abuse.” Without physical evidence like bruises, victims are left holding memories solely in their own minds, making it exceptionally hard to accept the reality of emotional and verbal mistreatment. Reverse Gaslighting and Self-Doubt I introduce “reverse gaslighting,” where survivors become their own interrogators by minimizing pain and excusing the other person’s behavior. This constant self-doubt traps you and erases the validity of your emotional experiences. Evaluating Patterns Over Isolated Incidents I emphasize that abuse is defined by consistent patterns of diminishment and intimidation, not isolated bad days. Loving moments do not erase a toxic cycle, which can be identified by tracking recurring behavior during conflicts. The Protective Nature of Denial I explain that denial functions as a survival mechanism. Admitting to emotional abuse forces a person to face daunting future decisions, so the brain minimizes harm to avoid the heavy emotional burden. Acceptance and the Path to Healing I conclude that healing starts with self-acceptance and stopping self-gaslighting. By believing your own experiences and holding space for your reality, you can finally find the path toward recovery. Support the show

  6. Sep 25

    What's YOUR accountability?

    Send us Fan Mail 🎯 Key Takeaways Core Points: Waiting for an abuser to apologize stalls your healing.Blame looks backward at fault, while accountability focuses on future choices.Examine past red flags without falling into self-hatred.Boundaries are a practical way to practice self-responsibility.Real freedom begins when you stop waiting for external validation. 🔍 Summary Accountability Versus Blame I clarify that blame looks backward to find fault, while accountability looks forward to evaluate personal choices. Because abusers weaponize fault, survivors often react defensively to accountability. However, taking responsibility does not mean accepting abuse; it means owning your reactions and deciding how to respond moving forward. The Danger of Waiting for Apologies I address the trap of pausing your healing while waiting for an elusive apology. Depending on an abuser for closure hands them the keys to your recovery and leaves you powerless. Healing begins the moment you accept that you do not need their confession to move on. Examining Personal Patterns Without Self-Hatred I encourage looking inward at your role in dysfunctional dynamics without falling into self-blame. While survivors must evaluate if they ignored red flags, they must avoid self-hatred. Past decisions were made with the tools available at the time, turning mistakes into useful information rather than a prison. Reclaiming Agency Through Boundaries I highlight boundaries as the best way to practice accountability and regain control. Instead of trying to change others, healthy boundaries focus on personal actions, such as stopping overexplaining or seeking harmful validation. Taking responsibility for your well-being provides the essential agency needed to heal. Support the show

  7. Sep 18

    The Price of Staying with your Cluster B

    Send us Fan Mail 🎯 Key Takeaways Core Points:  Staying in a dysfunctional relationship carries a hidden price paid through lost self-trust, identity, and peace.  Chronic hypervigilance replaces freedom as individuals constantly scan environments to avoid conflict.  Self-blame and the urge to fix an unfixable situation trap partners in endless mental exhaustion.  Evaluating what the relationship costs daily rather than focusing solely on whether to leave immediately.  Personal healing begins by reclaiming self-worth and accepting that one cannot control another person’s behavior. 🔍 Summary The Hidden Costs of Staying I explain that long-term dysfunctional relationships exact quiet tolls beyond obvious arguments. Over time, I’ve seen how people adapt by becoming cautious, quiet, and less spontaneous. I detail how continuous gaslighting erodes self-trust, forcing individuals to constantly question their own perceptions and seek outside validation. Identity also fades as partners become trapped in roles like permanent fixers or emotional shock absorbers. Peace disappears, replaced by hypervigilance where individuals constantly scan rooms for moods and potential conflict. I point out that emotional energy is drained by mentally replaying past arguments and anticipating future instability, ultimately leading to emotional numbness disguised as strength. Taking Responsibility and Finding Clarity I shift the focus toward personal accountability without taking blame for another person’s poor behavior. I acknowledge a personal tendency to stay, rationalize, and confuse endurance with love. While leaving is not immediately possible for everyone due to various constraints, I argue that no one should lose themselves while staying. I encourage listeners to stop measuring their worth by how well they manage someone else’s chaos. By examining the true cost of staying, individuals can set boundaries, stop waiting for apologies that may never arrive, and reclaim their inner voice and agency. Support the show

  8. Sep 11

    Why I STAY

    Send us Fan Mail 🎯 Key Takeaways Core Points: I recognize that acknowledging dysfunction is the critical first step toward my own healing, even if I am not yet ready to leave the relationship.I understand that staying in a difficult relationship is a complex, non-linear experience shaped by history, finances, and emotional attachment, rather than a simple failure of logic on my part.I must learn to distinguish between owning my participation in a relationship and taking responsibility for my partner’s disordered behaviors or harmful choices.I need to avoid the trap of “moving the goalposts” by constantly waiting for circumstances to become perfect before I address my own well-being.I am shifting my internal focus from trying to change or rescue my partner to asking myself how I can prevent losing my own sense of self while navigating this relationship.I will prioritize my safety above all else; if I face abuse, I will seek professional help and emergency support immediately.🔍 Summary The Complexity of Remaining Speaker 1 explains that remaining in a dysfunctional, disordered, and dysregulated relationship is rarely a matter of ignorance. Rather than viewing my decision to stay as a lack of awareness, I realize that my relationship is deeply entangled with years of shared history, identity, and personal commitment. My intellectual understanding of my partner’s flaws does not automatically eliminate the emotional, financial, and logistical barriers that keep me bound to this difficult dynamic. By viewing staying not as a permanent commitment but as a series of daily decisions, I can better navigate the internal conflict I feel when I realize the relationship is unhealthy yet feel unable to leave due to fear, hope, and attachment. The Role of the Rescuer A primary factor in my staying, as discussed by Speaker 1, is the rescuer archetype. I often remain because I believe that through enough patience, sacrifice, and effort, I can eventually produce a positive change in my partner. Speaker 1 identifies this as a significant area of personal responsibility, noting that while my partner is responsible for their own toxic behavior, I am responsible for my own patterns of participation. Continuing to act as a rescuer often leads me to self-blame, as I feel that leaving would be an admission of failure. To mitigate this, I am learning to stop negotiating with reality and instead acknowledge my own contribution to the cycle without accepting culpability for my partner’s actions. Shift toward Self-Preservation The final transition in Speaker 1's discussion centers on the need for me to move from rescuing others to rescuing myself. Speaker 1 argues that my healing begins when I stop waiting for external circumstances to improve and start asking how I can maintain my own sense of self. This involves setting personal boundaries and reclaiming my identity from the relationship. By focusing on the question of how to prevent losing myself, I find an actionable pathway for navigating my current situation. Ultimately, my goal is to stop lying to myself about the state of the relationship and begin the process of internal growth, even while I continue to navigate the reality of a difficult partnership. Support the show

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4.2
out of 5
18 Ratings

About

My Inner Torch offers direct and personal insight with help for those of us in a relationship with someone who is undiagnosed/diagnosed with a Cluster B Personality Disorder. This is a safe place to come for words of inspiration that draw from my personal experiences and is produced to gain understanding and to find direction as we navigate through the often difficult relationships with those we love who suffer with a Cluster B personality disorder that includes BPD and NPD. PLEASE NOTE: This podcast is NOT for those who suffer with these disorders. This podcast is for survivors of these challenging and difficult relationships.

Information

  • Creator
    DS
  • Years Active
    2020 - 2026
  • Episodes
    313
  • Rating
    Clean
  • Copyright
    © 2026 My Inner Torch
  • Show Website
    My Inner Torch

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