My Inner Torch

DS

My Inner Torch offers direct and personal insight with help for those of us in a relationship with someone who is undiagnosed/diagnosed with a Cluster B Personality Disorder. This is a safe place to come for words of inspiration that draw from my personal experiences and is produced to gain understanding and to find direction as we navigate through the often difficult relationships with those we love who suffer with a Cluster B personality disorder that includes BPD and NPD. PLEASE NOTE: This podcast is NOT for those who suffer with these disorders. This podcast is for survivors of these challenging and difficult relationships.

  1. 13H AGO

    Grieving the Mask of the Cluster B

    Send us a text 🎯 Key Takeaways Core Points: I’m grieving a person who never truly existed—the “mask” they presented to me.The mask is a survival mechanism rooted in shame and fear, not authentic love.My pain comes from losing an imagined future and hope for their return.I resist the trauma bond by honoring my own authentic experience instead.I heal by letting go of waiting for the mask to reappear.I reframe my experience as loving sincerely in an unsustainable situation, which honors my heart.🔍 Summary The Grief of the Mask I’m learning to grieve a specific loss: mourning someone who never existed as I perceived them. People with certain traits often present an intense “mask”—a mirrored persona designed to bond. This mask hides deep shame and fear, though the initial connection I felt was real. What wasn’t real was the person behind it. The Slow Reveal and Internal Conflict As time passed, the mask slipped. I saw cruelty, withdrawal, and rage that contradicted the loving version I knew. I struggled to reconcile these two incompatible versions, not realizing one was a performance and the other closer to truth. Understanding the Grief’s Depth This grief runs deep because I’m mourning more than a relationship. I’m mourning an imagined future, a false identity, and the hope that the connection was real. Each time the mask reappeared, it rekindled my hope and deepened my pain. Reframing and Healing The person I loved was real as an experience, but not as a stable identity. My healing began when I stopped waiting for the mask to return and accepted reality. A powerful shift came when I reframed it as: “I loved sincerely in a situation that couldn’t sustain sincerity.” This honors my authentic heart. I’m reclaiming my capacity to love, knowing the genuine element in our dynamic was always me. Support the show

    12 min
  2. JAN 30

    CPTSD...are you suffering from it?

    Send us a text 🎯 Key Takeaways Core Points: CPTSD from prolonged relational trauma is an adaptation, not a personal failing.CPTSD stems from long-term emotional abuse and feelings of powerlessness, not single events.I can recognize subtle cluster B abuse tactics like gaslighting and devaluation.I heal by rebuilding my sense of self, not by focusing on the abuser.I’m reclaiming trust in my perceptions and intuition; emotional dysregulation is a survival response.My healing is non-linear—it involves self-compassion, rebuilding boundaries, and seeking safety.🔍 Summary Understanding CPTSD from Relational Trauma CPTSD arises from prolonged emotional harm within relationships, not from a single event. I’m learning how years of manipulation, entrapment, and devaluation gradually eroded my sense of self. Unlike PTSD, CPTSD developed because escape felt impossible, leaving me psychologically dominated by the abuser. The Nature of Cluster B Abuse I’m recognizing the subtle yet devastating tactics I experienced: gaslighting, silent treatments, blame-shifting, and devaluation disguised as feedback. This abuse systematically dismantled my identity while creating emotional dependence, making it incredibly difficult to leave. Impact on Identity and Emotions Prolonged invalidation has left me struggling with emotional regulation and self-trust. I’ve internalized criticism and shame, often believing I’m the problem. These protective responses—anxiety, numbness, or emotional overwhelm—developed because my emotions felt unsafe. Rebuilding and Healing My healing involves reclaiming my identity and emotional safety. I’m learning that withdrawal or difficulty with closeness are protective mechanisms, not flaws. I’m rebuilding boundaries at my own pace, recognizing that saying no is strength, not avoidance. My growth is non-linear, and I’m gently returning to myself with compassion. Support the show

    14 min
  3. JAN 23

    Pathological Love: When Love Still Hurts!

    Send us a text 🎯 Key Takeaways Core Points: Pathological love is harmful and confusing—not just passionate or imperfect love.In cluster B relationships, love becomes a survival tool and emotional regulator, often one-sided.Healthy love grows slowly and tolerates imperfection; pathological love accelerates quickly and punishes vulnerability.I recognize pathological love through emotional whiplash, love as proof of worth, and crisis bonding.Intermittent rewards and fear keep me hooked, not safety.I cope by shifting my focus: stop chasing highs, don’t take withdrawals personally, and trust patterns over promises.🔍 Summary Understanding Pathological Love Pathological love isn’t about loving too much—it’s about existing in a dysregulated system where love becomes a survival tool. In cluster B relationships, love often flows one way and can even be weaponized. I’m learning to see this clearly and distinguish it from genuine, healthy connection. Healthy vs. Pathological Love Healthy love grows slowly, tolerates imperfection, and survives conflict. Pathological love accelerates rapidly, collapses under stress, and punishes vulnerability. That urgency I once mistook for depth? It’s actually a red flag. Illustrative Scenarios I recognize myself in three patterns. “Emotional whiplash” is the jarring shift from intimacy to distance with gaslighting mixed in. “Love as proof of worth” means I’ve tied my value to managing my partner’s emotions. “Crisis bonding” is the false closeness during emergencies that disappears once the crisis ends. Mechanisms of Being Hooked Intermittent rewards train my nervous system to stay alert, creating a bond based on anticipation rather than safety. This cycle feels deep because it engages fear and longing, but that’s survival attachment, not true intimacy. Cluster B personalities pull me close for regulation, then push me away for control—making their love both solution and threat. Coping Strategies I’m changing my interpretation rather than making drastic decisions. I’m stopping myself from chasing emotional highs, not taking withdrawals personally, measuring love by stability instead of intensity, and grounding myself in observable patterns. Asking myself honest questions helps: Does this feel calming or consuming? Does it expand or shrink me? Am I safer or more anxious? These answers help me see the dysregulation clearly. I’m learning that I’m not loving wrong—I’m loving within a system that can’t sustain it. And I’m not alone or broken. Support the show

    12 min
  4. JAN 16

    REVEALED! What's really behind Cluster B LOVE?

    Send us a text 🎯 Key Takeaways Core Points: The intensity I felt in early Cluster B relationships was projection, not genuine love.Cluster B individuals seek validation and regulation, not true reciprocal connection.Intensity is not the same as intimacy or real attachment.Devaluation happens when I become real—when my needs and emotions threaten their fantasy.Their “love” is state-dependent, shifting with their feelings, not grounded in consistent bonds.I heal by releasing self-blame and claiming the consistent, safe love I truly deserve.🔍 Summary The Mirage of Cluster B Love What felt like intense love was actually a mirage created through idealization and attention. This activated my attachment systems, but I’ve learned that intensity isn’t intimacy—passion isn’t the same as genuine presence or connection. Projection, Not Love Cluster B individuals weren’t truly loving me; they were projecting their own needs and seeking validation to manage their inner turmoil. They lack a stable sense of self, so they don’t bond reciprocally. Instead, they attach to “emotional supply”—validation, regulation, and identity reinforcement. I became a mirror reflecting back admiration and safety. Why the Shift to Devaluation When I became “real”—expressing needs, setting boundaries, showing genuine emotions—I shattered their fantasy. The warmth turned to criticism without warning. This shift wasn’t my fault; it revealed that their “love” was never rooted in genuine attachment or empathy. True Healing Begins with Understanding Their feelings were real in the moment but lacked continuity. I mistook intensity for love because of my own capacity to love and my assumption that others do too. Trauma bonding deepened this confusion. Healing means releasing self-blame and recognizing that real love doesn’t disappear under pressure, doesn’t punish vulnerability, and doesn’t demand I erase myself. I deserve love that’s consistent and safe. Support the show

    14 min
  5. JAN 9

    You CAN'T change a Cluster B's Spots

    Send us a text 🎯 Key Takeaways Core Points: I accept that I cannot change someone with Cluster B pathology. I redirect my hope toward my own growth and freedom. Personality disorders are deeply ingrained and resistant to change. Trying to change them comes at a significant personal cost. I shift my focus from fixing them to protecting myself. Acceptance means seeing reality clearly, not approving of harmful behavior. 🔍 Summary The Impossibility of Changing Cluster B's I’ve learned that I cannot change someone with Cluster B pathology. This realization, though painful, has freed me from a cycle of hope that kept me trapped. Instead of waiting for their change, I’ve redirected my energy toward my own empowerment and healing. Understanding Cluster B Pathology Cluster B personality disorders—narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, and antisocial—are deeply ingrained patterns formed early in life. They shape how these individuals experience reality and are not simply behavioral choices that can be unlearned through insight or willpower alone. Why I Struggle with Acceptance I once believed that if I explained things differently or they healed their trauma, change would follow. I’ve since realized that insight doesn’t guarantee emotional integration or lasting change in cluster bee pathology. Understanding something intellectually is very different from transforming it emotionally. Borderline and Narcissistic Dynamics I’ve observed that borderline patterns involve intense emotions and fear of abandonment, while narcissistic patterns involve intolerable shame and the need to protect self-image. These patterns tend to harden rather than soften over time, even with the best intentions. The Myth of Time Healing All Wounds I once hoped that time, maturity, or love would soften their patterns. I’ve learned that personality disorders don’t mature like healthy personalities do. Without sustained, specialized treatment, core patterns typically remain unchanged. The Cost of Trying to Change Them Attempting to change someone with Cluster B pathology has cost me deeply—through self-doubt, emotional exhaustion, identity loss, and anxiety. I found myself shrinking to keep the peace, trading my authenticity for temporary calm. The Only Possible Change: Acceptance and Self-Preservation I’ve found healing by accepting what I cannot change and focusing on protecting myself. This acceptance isn’t defeat; it’s clarity. By seeing the relationship as it truly is, I’ve reclaimed my energy and begun my journey toward freedom and self-respect. Support the show

    13 min
  6. JAN 2

    Pathological Love with a Cluster B

    Send us a text 🎯 Key Takeaways Core Points: Relationships with cluster B personalities won’t develop into typical, stable love.Practice emotional detachment by stopping your search for reassurance and explanations.Set firm, non-negotiable boundaries around acceptable behavior.Your suffering doesn’t prove love or loyalty.Focus on healing yourself rather than fixing the other person.Real love is stable, honors your identity, and doesn’t harm your wellbeing.🔍 Summary Understanding Pathological Love Pathological love differs from healthy love—it lacks reciprocity and empathy. With cluster B individuals, their “love” stems from their own need to manage internal chaos, not from genuine connection with you. Their attachment is driven by fear of abandonment and unresolved trauma, making it fundamentally different from mutual affection. The Intensity and Its Roots The initial intensity feels special, but it’s rooted in their survival needs, not true intimacy. Their rapid attachment and idealization protect them from emotional collapse, not from a desire to build something real with you. This urgency masks the absence of genuine bonding. Love Without a Self Without a stable sense of self, the cluster B person cannot love mutually. You become their emotional stabilizer—idealized when useful, devalued when you assert your needs. You’re not a partner; you’re a tool for their self-regulation. The Inevitable Cracks and Why You Cannot Fix It The initial adoration shifts into control, gaslighting, and blame. This isn’t about you—it reflects their instability. You cannot love someone out of a personality disorder or provide enough reassurance to heal their trauma. Trying only reinforces the harmful cycle. Working With Pathological Love: Preserving Yourself Accept this love for what it is and adjust your expectations. Practice emotional detachment with compassion, set clear boundaries, and stop equating love with sacrifice. Redirect your energy toward understanding and healing your own wounds. Choosing Yourself for Freedom Pathological love reveals your vulnerabilities. If you stay, do so with clear eyes and no hope for change. Stay grounded in your own identity. Real love supports your wellbeing and honors who you are—choosing yourself is an act of self-preservation and strength. Support the show

    14 min
  7. 12/26/2025

    When LOVE isn't ENOUGH!

    Send us a text 🎯 Key Takeaways Core Points: Recognize Cluster B “Supply” Dynamics: I understand that cluster B individuals view love and affection as “supply,” not nourishment. My efforts are consumed, not absorbed.Identify Unreciprocated Sacrifice: I acknowledge that my deep sacrifices are expected, not cherished, and that my efforts to please will not create lasting change or reciprocity.Distinguish Healthy Love from Cluster B Dynamics: I differentiate between healthy love’s reciprocity and cluster B relationships’ creation of entitlement and imbalance, where my needs are often dismissed.Accept Limits of Love: I realize that love alone cannot heal personality disorders, trauma, or create emotional capacity that isn’t there.Prioritize Self-Love: I shift my focus from trying to earn or prove my worth to the cluster B individual towards investing that energy back into myself.Embrace Self-Preservation: I understand that choosing myself is not failure but an awakening, recognizing that my love is not the problem, but the recipient’s inability to reciprocate.🔍 Summary The Nature of Cluster B Relationships I’ve come to understand the painful reality of loving individuals with cluster B personality disorders, recognizing that love is often insufficient to sustain these relationships. I see how I’ve given immense effort, sacrifice, and loyalty, yet remained unseen and emotionally depleted. The core issue lies in how cluster B personalities perceive and process love, viewing it as “supply” to be consumed rather than genuine nourishment. This fundamental difference in emotional processing means that even my deep affection and sacrifice are not truly absorbed or appreciated but are rather expected and exploited. The Dynamics of Unreciprocated Effort A significant theme in my experience is the tragedy of unreciprocated effort in cluster B relationships. I’ve consistently shown up during difficult times, made accommodations, and compromised, only to face demands, invalidation, and blame when I seek similar care. I see this pattern clearly now—making accommodations while my partner makes demands, empathizing while they invalidate. When I express my own needs, I’m often accused of being too sensitive, asking for too much, or being selfish. This imbalance stems from their fundamental inability to sustain empathy, emotional responsibility, and consistent attachment. Love as Pressure, Not Connection I’ve come to understand why cluster B individuals often retreat, attack, or devalue when offered love. Instead of experiencing connection, they perceive my love as pressure to reciprocate, be accountable, regulate their emotions, and see me as separate. This vulnerability is something they struggle to tolerate, leading to defensive reactions. I now stress that loving someone with a cluster B disorder does not heal the disorder itself or create emotional capacity where none exists. The more I sacrifice to keep such a relationship alive, the more I risk disappearing myself. Realizing Love is Not Enough A critical turning point for me was realizing that I was loving at the expense of my self-love, being loyal to someone who is not loyal to my well-being, and protecting someone who causes me harm. This is when my love transformed from a noble act into self-abandonment. I now understand that love is simply not enough in situations lacking empathy, accountability, emotional safety, and reciprocity. The core lesson I’ve learned is that my deep capacity for love is a strength, not a flaw; the problem lies in offering it to someone unable to reciprocate h Support the show

    13 min
  8. 12/19/2025

    Emotional Sandcastles-Revisited NEW for 2025

    Send us a text 🎯 Key Takeaways Core Points: I build emotional resilience by creating healthy boundaries.I recognize that my Cluster B partner’s behavior is not personal.I shift my focus from building for others to building for myself.I invest in my personal healing and identity, separate from the relationship.I accept that permanence is not possible in unstable relationships.I continue to build and hope, acknowledging the value of my efforts.🔍 Summary The Emotional Sandcastle Metaphor The core of what I’ve come to understand revolves around the metaphor of building emotional sandcastles on a shoreline when I’m in a relationship with a Cluster B personality. I’ve learned that these relationships feel like constructing beautiful, carefully crafted emotional structures, only to have them repeatedly washed away by emotional tides. This metaphor illustrates the temporary nature of peace, connection, and stability I experience in such relationships. The sandcastle, representing my efforts and emotional investments, is built on an inherently unstable foundation – my partner’s disorder. The Cycle of Building and Destruction The process I navigate in these relationships is characterized by cycles of hope and inevitable disappointment. I often build “emotional sandcastles” on moments of harmony, temporary peace, or perceived normalcy. I cling to these good moments, hoping they will last, but I’m met with unpredictable emotional storms, rage, devaluation, or sudden discards. I’ve discovered that the anticipation of these emotional waves is often more challenging than the chaos itself. This constant cycle of rebuilding, driven by my desire for love and stability, leads to emotional exhaustion and a sense of losing myself. Understanding the Unstable Shoreline A crucial realization I’ve come to embrace is that the emotional tide is not personal. The rage, dysregulation, or discard from my Cluster B partner is a function of their disorder, similar to how ocean tides are a result of gravitational pull. It is not a reaction to my worth or a sign of my failure. This understanding has been key to breaking the cycle of self-blame and recognizing that the instability is inherent to my partner’s condition, not a consequence of my actions or building skills. Shifting Focus and Building for Yourself The actionable takeaway I’ve embraced is to shift my focus from trying to build something permanent for or within the unstable relationship to building for myself. This involves creating emotional boundaries, nurturing my identity, and investing in my personal healing. Instead of expecting permanence where it’s impossible, my goal becomes accepting the nature of the emotional tide and not letting its inevitable arrival diminish the value of my efforts. The love, compassion, and resilience I show in building these temporary castles still matter. Finding a New Shoreline Ultimately, my path to healing involves building “sandcastles on land,” emotionally speaking, in a place where the tide cannot reach. This means prioritizing my self-protection and accepting that while the emotional tide may shape my journey, it does not define my worth. The act of continuing to build, with awareness and self-preservation, is an expression of my resilience and hope. My ultimate goal is to build a structure that can stand, and in doing so, I can also stand strong. Support the show

    15 min
3.9
out of 5
14 Ratings

About

My Inner Torch offers direct and personal insight with help for those of us in a relationship with someone who is undiagnosed/diagnosed with a Cluster B Personality Disorder. This is a safe place to come for words of inspiration that draw from my personal experiences and is produced to gain understanding and to find direction as we navigate through the often difficult relationships with those we love who suffer with a Cluster B personality disorder that includes BPD and NPD. PLEASE NOTE: This podcast is NOT for those who suffer with these disorders. This podcast is for survivors of these challenging and difficult relationships.

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