Step right up my friends, it's time for another episode of NEWS, and this news is from America's Last Newsroom. Once or twice a day we get asked, what makes news news? There is no answer for that so often times, we ignore the request to define news. If we had patience, or interest in helping anyone with a question, we'd instruct you to go to the library. Any library would do. Next step. Get a library card. It should only take 5 minutes. Sometimes it takes 30 minutes, if Sheila is out on lunch. Once Sheila gets back, and you get your card, walk to the nearest help desk (not Sheila's desk) and then ask for reference help. Once the help desk librarian gives you a location for reference, walk to that location, do not run. Begin your search for an etymology dictionary. Do not use the entomology dictionary, use the etymology dictionary. Once you're using the correct etymology dictionary, flip the hopefully thousands of pages to the back and look for the letter N. Now, the word news, it should be in there, but it starts with an N and then the next letter is an E. Keep looking until you find N-E-W. New is not the word you're looking for, you're looking for N-E-W-S. Ok, now that you've found the page number in the index of where N-E-W-S is, flip to that page. You'll most likely accidentally read N-E-W but, again, that's not the word we want. We want N-E-W-S. The definition, or entomological definition should say something like: late 14c., "new things," plural of new (n.) "new thing" (see new (adj.)); after French nouvelles, which was used in Bible translations to render Medieval Latin nova (neuter plural) "news," literally "new things." Ok, that's step 1 in answering "What makes news, news?" Wait, did I say entomological? I meant etymological! Reread that part, it's etymological not entomological. Phewf! My mistake!! We will begin step 2 at a later date.
