Church Girls Gone Bad Church Girls Gone Bad

We cover so much good stuff in this Q&A on Heather’s coming out as a lesbian! After sharing the timeline of processing her queerness in Part 1, Heather answers anonymous listener questions, like:

How she realized she was a lesbian and not bi (it was a PROCESS and we walk through it all)

How this relates to her former stories she’s shared about sex with men, masturbation, and leaving the church

Advice on how to come out when you have religious trauma

How she knew she was into women

How her parents reacted

What she thinks of the statement “everyone's a little gay” (we both have THOUGHTS)

Why establishing a queer identity is important to her

Dating stories and advice for someone who’s nervous to flirt


Thank you to the listeners who submitted questions! Enjoy this chat!

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In this fun-filled interview with Emily, Heather tells the story of thinking she was straight for her whole life until one fateful comment on a YouTube video led her to question everything. She talks about exactly how she realized she was into women and not into men (despite a long list of ex-boyfriends), an electrifying first kiss, an exciting jump into the queer dating scene, and the joys and pains of coming out as a lesbian.
In true Heather fashion, she busts out her journal to share a vulnerable entry, gets candid about signs of attraction to women she missed early in life, and shares the deep research that helped her come to terms with her sexuality after a life of thinking that "straight" was the only option.
If you've ever wondered how someone could not realize they were gay, if you're examining your own attractions, or you're just plain wanting All The Tea, you'll love this episode!

::: Listener Q&A to come next week in Part 2 :::

Resources:


Erica Smith & her Purity Culture Dropout Queer Support Group



Sermon by Brit Barron - this one isn't the exact one Emily watched, but it'll give you the gist of her wisdom.


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Emily and Heather dive into some nitty-gritty details about how we moved past the shame around our own sexualities. (Get ready for some very candid sex stories…) We discuss coming home to our own bodies and our own sexual ethic, how our parents handled sexual curiosity, and the awkward encounters we had along the way.
For the first time, Emily discusses her journey with thinking she was asexual, how she realized she wasn’t, and how she had to start over on establishing her own sexual values after her divorce.
Heather talks about how her and her siblings had to write essays on their philosophy of dating before they could start dating. We also read a story from someone who dated one of her siblings and learn what it was like to be on the receiving end of these intense dating rules.
We also read listener submissions on the weirdness of purity culture, including purity ceremonies, signed contracts, and crying over a friend losing their virginity.
Resources mentioned in this episode: 

Pure by Linda Kay Klein

Beyond Shame by Matthias Roberts

Heartbreak: A Personal and Scientific Journey


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It’s a purity culture grab bag! We cover purity messaging we are glad to have left in the past, how purity culture impacted our relationships, and how we’re navigating our sexualities now. It seems past sexual partners aren't what haunts us, it's Purity Culture itself!
We dive deep on how we were determined to follow the rules set before us by evangelical Christianity, and the differing ways we dealt with that. Whether we were “struggling with sexual sin,” going all the way, crying after masturbating, breaking up after breaking boundaries, or having guilt-ridden discussions with boyfriends, we each attempted to find ourselves in the midst of a lot of rules.
We talk about Bible verses that communicate that our bodies belong to our spouses — yikes — which leads to a discussion about marital expectations and how difficult it is to jump from virginity to being stoked about sex. We ponder marriage and whether we’re into it now that we’re out of evangelicalism’s marriage-focused culture. 
Finally, we talk about our current sexual ethic and how we’ve gotten in touch with ourselves amidst dating, divorce, serious relationships, casual sex, and so much more. 
Resources discussed in this episode:

Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement that Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free

Refamulating Podcast

50 Reasons People Give for Believing in a God by Guy P. Harrison


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Whip out your Bibles, Baddies! In this post-Easter episode, Emily and Heather dive into the resurrection story with their deconstruction glasses on. Heather did some digging on the details that don’t align in the gospel narratives of Easter, from who was there to what time of day it was to where Jesus went afterwards. She shares how she ignored any discrepancies as a Christian but can now look at it with honesty and thoughtfulness as she decides what she thinks of it all.
We engage in a candid back-and-forth about the Christian response to the differences in the gospels, thoughts on if the differences can be reconciled, and whether or not the arguments for the resurrection story are convincing to them. 
Emily also discusses how Easter was a significant milestone in her deconstruction journey, what past Easters felt like while she was deep in doubt-land, and what the concept of resurrection means in her current spiritual worldview. 
We hope this episode challenges you and helps jumpstart your own research and thinking, wherever you are on your deconstruction journey! 

Fact Check: We got some feedback that the resurrection myths we shared aren't accurate, so please listen with caution. We're putting this here for extra emphasis that those derived from a quick google search, and we have very limited knowledge around other resurrection myths. We apologize for the misinformation.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

Keith Long’s article, How Does The Resurrection Story Change In The Gospels?

The Bible passages referenced: Matthew 28, Mark 16, Luke 24, and John 20


Josh McDowell’s justification of the resurrection discrepancies

Rohr on Resurrection

Resurrection: A Threatening Comfort



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Christianity messed with our minds, and we get into it! We ask ourselves the question: Did our mental health get better or worse after leaving the church? And how was it when we were in the church?
Emily describes how a lot of her anxiety is night-and-day better because the burden of Christianity is lifted, and discusses how her faith was intertwined with her OCD. Heather talks about how her anxiety actually got worse in some ways after leaving, because she no longer had a God to dump all her worries onto and had to actually face the depths of her brain for the first time.
We focus on the stress that plagued us as devout Christians who felt a need to do everything right, and how confusing it was to receive conflicting messages of sin and grace. We share in the joy of how we feel more freedom now to just be humans, without so much worry about converting people, honoring God in every damn thing, and monitoring our behavior.
We both share what helps us deal with our anxiety now — medication! Internal Family Systems! Friends! Autonomy! Being free from our former God concept! 
Very importantly, we also close out by discussing VIBRATORS! And our shame in discussing them and even saying the word “masturbation” aloud. 

Other fun things:

Which meds we’re on :)

God’s voice adding to & becoming our anxiety

The Bachelor & MTV being “sinful”

Religious OCD

Shroom trips

Emily reads the Bible aloud for the first time in forever

The “playground for perfectionism” of Christian culture, and never measuring up

A pretty bad Rick Warren quote

Blindly pondering about what today’s youth groups are like

Getting kicked off the roster of people who were asked to volunteer at youth group summer camp (whoops!)


Resources mentioned:

This Instagram post by The Naked Pastor

D.L. Mayfield’s Substack: Healing is My Special Interest

Our episode with Beth K. Schwartz


The Religious Trauma Institute — this is how Emily found her therapist!



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