Dating, Relationships, and Disability

Kathy O'Connell
  • 5.0 (2)
  • Relationships
  • Weekly

We offer strategies, encouragement, and mindset tips on dating with a disability. We talk about how to navigate sexual ableism, focus on your power to attract, and develop happy and healthy relationships.

  1. 4d ago

    266 - Real Photos, Real Boundaries: Dating Confidently at Any Size

    Weight concerns are common and tend to grow with age, especially for women going through hormonal changes. For people with disabilities, weight is often shaped by things outside their control, such as medications, limited mobility, and fewer chances to exercise. Dating with both means facing two biases at once: ableism and fatphobia. Shame vs. Self-Acceptance Self-criticism and comparing yourself to others don’t lead to healthy change. Love and acceptance work better, and for many disabled people, changing weight isn’t realistic anyway. Doctors can deepen the shame when they blame every health issue on weight instead of seeing the whole person. When friends or supporters offer advice on becoming “more dateable,” that reflects their issues, not yours. Dating Culture Challenges Choosing profile photos can be stressful, and so can the fear of disappointing a date in person. Some apps let users filter by body type and disability. Some people also fetishize weight or disability instead of genuinely desiring the person. Four Practical Tips Post real, current photos. Include a recent full-body shot, along with any mobility or communication aid you use. Pick photos that highlight a feature you love, like your eyes or smile. Honest photos take away pressure and screen out people who aren’t right for you. Prepare for unsolicited health advice. You don’t owe anyone your medical history. You could say: “My body’s more complicated than that, and it’s not first-date material. Tell me about your job.” Then watch whether they respect that boundary. Don’t take app filters personally. Filters narrow a pool of options and aren’t about you. Avoid apps that allow this kind of filtering, and look for platforms that encourage inclusive connections. Discuss intimacy beforehand. Talk through positioning, pain, energy levels, and limits while you’re both relaxed and clothed, so you can make decisions together as a team. Reframing Your Mindset You deserve love without having to change your body first, and your weight is your private business. Body neutrality can feel gentler than body positivity, which may feel forced if you don’t love your body. Start with “I have a body,” then build toward “I have a body that does some good things.” Key Takeaway The right partner doesn’t overlook your body. They’re glad you’re in the body you have. Links Mentioned Episodes about Your Body and Dating and Healing Body Shame  Sign up for our email list to access a special offer on Loving Our Bodies workshop and workbook. The Five Stages of Dating Success Playbook is out now — $27 digital, $45 hardcopy Take our Dating Success quiz. Music by Successful Motivation Artwork photo by Elevate

    266 - Real Photos, Real Boundaries: Dating Confidently at Any Size

  2. Oct 20

    265 - The Profile as a Filter: Disclosing Disability to Attract the Right People

    When to Disclose There's no single right answer, so do what feels comfortable. Kathy's disability is visible, so she recommends naming it in the profile. That filters out people who wouldn't be interested and saves emotional energy. With a less apparent disability, waiting may make more sense. She describes three disclosure points: The profile: the most direct filter. Early messaging: useful before meeting In person: easier when the disability isn't obvious. I once met a coffee date who had a disability but never mentioned it, despite my openness. That didn't sit well with me. You can also disclose indirectly through photos or interests. One woman she interviewed for my upcoming book mentioned disability advocacy in her profile. Her future husband googled her and figured it out. How to Write It Lead with who you are. Disability is part of your story, not the headline. Use humor if it's authentic to you. Speak confidently, since your attitude shows others how to treat you. Mention practical needs, e.g., using a wheelchair means seeking accessible date spots. Never apologize, and drop the "but." Say "I have cerebral palsy and I'm friendly," not "but I'm friendly." Photos Include mobility aids and show yourself being active and doing things you love. That presents you as someone with interests, not just a person with a disability. Handling Responses Set boundaries in advance about which questions you'll answer, knowing some may become acceptable over time. Watch for devotees and fetishizers, trust your gut, and end the connection. Ghosting reflects on them, not you. It filters out people who wouldn't be supportive. She shares a story from a conference. A man disclosed his disability the day before a first date. His match replied with her own quirks, like getting embarrassed and being allergic to apples, which Kathy saw as an ideal response. Takeaways Write a profile even if you're not dating online. It clarifies who you are and what you want. The goal isn't to appeal to everyone but to attract the right people. Below is a free profile-writing guide and invites listeners to share their best and worst disclosure responses for future episodes. Links Mentioned  Episodes about disclosure (ep. 11) and profile writing (ep. 12). How to Write a Kick Butt Dating Profile (free guide) Contact me with the best or most interesting disclosure story you have. The Five Stages of Dating Success Playbook is out now — $27 digital, $45 hardcopy Take our Dating Success quiz. Music by Successful Motivation Artwork photo by Elevate

    265 - The Profile as a Filter: Disclosing Disability to Attract the Right People

  3. Oct 13

    264 - What Relationship Looks Like Four Years In

    As part of working on my upcoming book about sexual ableism and dating with a disability, I interview Marco and his partner Dana as a follow up to my interview in episode 77.  Marco is legally blind from premature birth, with some residual vision. They've been together just over four years. How They Met They matched on Bumble, where Dana reached out first. Marco had disclosed his blindness in his profile. They talked by phone for weeks before meeting. Dana asked practical questions about guiding and cane use, then walked him into a curb on their first date. Marco was surprised she wanted to talk at all, since many people back off once they learn he's blind. Dana's Learning Curve Dana's worries were about herself, not Marco. She didn't want to belittle him or treat him like a child, and she still asks before helping, for example with cutting food. She learned that blindness is a spectrum and adapted at home by keeping floors clear and announcing open doors. She was surprised how little help he needs; he walks their street with just the dog. Family Doubt Marco's family questioned whether he could live on his own and suspected Dana might take advantage of him. Marco found this disheartening: his own family thought so little of him. Four years of stable independence have largely eased those fears, though no one has apologized. Daily Life and Intimacy They describe their life as typical. They rarely fight, credit good communication and shared values, and plan ahead for accommodations, like airport assistance when flying. Intimacy required only the ordinary conversations any couple has. Growth and Independence Marco says the relationship has boosted his confidence enormously. He's starting community college in addictions counseling after 20 years out of school, which he says he probably wouldn't have done otherwise. Living with a peer instead of a parent feels like more equal footing and more freedom. Advice Their advice is don't give up and start small, for instance one outing a week. Getting out in public helps break down stereotypes. Marco found Dana while using apps, church, and Meetup at the same time.  The Five Stages of Dating Success Playbook is out now — $27 digital, $45 hardcopy Take our Dating Success quiz. Music by Successful Motivation Artwork photo by Elevate

    264 - What Relationship Looks Like Four Years In

  4. Oct 6

    263 - Trauma-Informed Dating: Healing, Red Flags, and Reclaiming Desire

    Trauma-Informed Dating for People with Disabilities This week Kathy takes on a heavier topic: trauma-informed care, and how trauma shows up in dating for people with disabilities. Content note: This episode discusses abuse and sexual violence. Please take care of yourself as you listen. In This Episode What "trauma-informed" means: safety, trust, choice, collaboration, and empowerment, based on SAMHSA's core principles Why disabled people face higher rates of abuse, sexual violence, and medical trauma Disclosure dilemmas and the toll of inaccessible dating apps Red flags, including: Abuse tactics that target disability, like withholding medication, mobility aids, or benefits Hearing "no one else will put up with you" Blurred lines when a partner is also a caregiver Sexual ableism and the wounds it leaves, from missing sex ed and infantilization to medical harm, reproductive control, and institutional restrictions Building healthier connections through framing needs as normal, accessible date planning, pacing, interdependence, and safety planning Reclaiming sexuality as part of disability justice Resources Mentioned National Domestic Violence Hotline: thehotline.org. Call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. RAINN (National Sexual Assault Hotline): rainn.org. Call 1-800-656-4673. SAMHSA's Trauma-Informed Approach: samhsa.gov Already Doing It: Intellectual Disability and Sexual Agency by Michael Gill (University of Minnesota Press) #DisabledPeopleAreHot on Instagram, for disability-affirming creators Contact me to let me know of someone I can interview about adapted sex toys. The Five Stages of Dating Success Playbook is out now — $27 digital, $45 hardcopy Take our Dating Success quiz. Music by Successful Motivation Artwork photo by Elevate

    263 - Trauma-Informed Dating: Healing, Red Flags, and Reclaiming Desire

  5. Sep 29

    262 - Roommates, Weddings, and Everything Between: The Friendship Series with Camille

    In this episode of Kathy O'Connell's Friendship Series, Kathy talks with Camille, a close friend of nearly four decades, about their friendship and the role disability has played in it. They met in college, shared a wide circle of friends, and later lived together. Their lives stayed closely linked through marriage, family, and the college friend group they still share today. Overview In this episode of Kathy O'Connell's Friendship Series, Kathy talks with Camille, one of her closest friends. They met near the end of their freshman year at Le Moyne, about 39 years ago, and later lived together. Camille lived next door to their friends Lynn and Beth. Beth, Kathy's friend since 7th grade, is now Camille's sister-in-law: Camille met her husband John at Beth's wedding. First Impressions and Disability Camille, a quieter accounting major, remembers Kathy as bubbly, confident, and someone who seemed to know everyone. She briefly wondered what Kathy could do, like drive, but Kathy simply did it. Camille trusted her to ask for help when she needed it. The friends were often more upset by strangers' stares and comments than Kathy was. Kathy credits her parents for her confidence, especially their message that she might need to do things differently, but she could do them. A favorite shared memory is friends pulling and pushing Kathy up a steep hill on a shortcut home, laughing the whole way. Dating Kathy recalls how hard it was when she wanted a boyfriend and apologizes if Camille bore some of that. Camille says she remembers nothing bad. She had hoped someone would love all of Kathy, and eventually Scott did. Her advice is to be open, show who you are from the start, and keep putting yourself out there. She notes that dating is harder now that so much of it happens online. What Makes It Different Camille says the friendship is mostly like her others. The difference she values is that her kids grew up with "Aunt Kathy" and learned to see people's differences naturally. Kathy's speech can be hard to follow when she's emotional. Understanding her helped Camille with her son Jackson's speech impediment and taught her patience. Camille admits she once worried about Kathy holding her adopted son Jaden as a baby, but Kathy proved her wrong. Both agree that any new mother has those fears. Kathy also mentions that teenage Jaden sometimes gets embarrassed holding her hand in public, which Camille calls typical teen behavior. Chosen Family Camille's favorite memories are of laughing together and living together, and of being in each other's weddings. Both call their college friend group a chosen family. Camille says she leaves their weekends together feeling happy inside. She admits the interview was outside her comfort zone, but says good friends should be able to talk about this. Links for Friendship Series 249 - Everybody Has a Thing 253 - From Coworkers to Chosen Family Contact me to let me know what you think of the Friendship Series. The Five Stages of Dating Success Playbook is out now — $27 digital, $45 hardcopy Take our Dating Success quiz. Music by Successful Motivation Artwork photo by Elevate

    262 - Roommates, Weddings, and Everything Between: The Friendship Series with Camille

  6. Sep 22

    261 - Your Playbook for Dating is Here

    The Playbook Is Here The Five Stages of Dating Success Playbook launched today. Today's episode covers the two stages we hadn't unpacked yet: active dating and mastery — the payoff for everything built so far. Stage Four: Active Dating This is where earlier prep meets real people, and it's not a victory lap — it's its own demanding phase. Disclosure conversations now happen with unpredictable reactions; researched venues meet real-world logistics. That friction isn't failure, it's just what preparation looks like under real conditions. The reframe: success here isn't landing a partner. It's showing up consistently, authentically, and resiliently — implementing your strategies without losing yourself, recovering from a bad date without spiraling, and staying in the process through a dry stretch instead of quietly vanishing. The dating journal is a key tool in this stage — treat it like game film, not therapy. After a date, note what worked, what felt off, what you'd change, and what moment felt most authentic. Over time, personal patterns emerge that generic advice never could. Stage Five: Mastery and Sustainability This is where dating confidence becomes life confidence. It has no finish line — like integrity or maturity, it's ongoing: strategic evaluation, a support system that evolves with you, and mentorship. Once you've moved through these stages, you're carrying knowledge that others navigating disability and dating badly need. The Real Point None of this is about becoming someone else to be dateable. It's about becoming more clearly, confidently yourself, and bringing that self into dating without apology. Disability doesn't disappear — your relationship to it changes, from something to explain away to one part of a whole, valuable person choosing who they date. Three Takeaways Success in active dating = consistency and authenticity, not outcome. Keep a dating journal like game film — let real patterns guide you. Mastery means ongoing maintenance plus mentorship, not an endpoint. One More Thing The Playbook is out now — $27 digital, $45 hardcopy

    261 - Your Playbook for Dating is Here

  7. Sep 15

    260 - From Confidence to Strategy: Building Your Dating Toolkit

    Internal self-worth work and external dating skill are different muscles. Believing you deserve a good relationship doesn't automatically teach you how to handle logistics or anxiety-inducing moments in real time — that gap is where this stage of the work lives. The DESC Method A self-advocacy script for moments when anxiety causes shutting down or over-explaining: Describe the situation objectively Express feelings using "I" statements Specify what you'd like to happen instead Consequences — name the positive outcome Practice it first in low-stakes, non-dating situations (asking for a theater seat, requesting a table) so it becomes automatic before you need it on a date. The Accessibility Tax Dating with a disability often involves extra planning, research, and expense: vetting whether venues are truly accessible (not just labeled so), budgeting for transportation, and preparing backup communication methods. Naming this openly turns it from chaos into a manageable system. Tiered Disclosure There's no single right way to disclose a disability — instead, a three-tiered framework matches disclosure to relationship stage: what goes in a profile differs from what's shared before a first date, which differs again from a deeper early-dating conversation. The goal is language that feels natural and confident, not rehearsed or defensive. Rejection and Resilience Strategic planning only helps if you can tolerate that some attempts won't work out. A key skill is distinguishing legitimate incompatibility from actual ableist rejection — not every "no" is about disability; sometimes it's just an ordinary mismatch. The Payoff With a tested dating platform, a disclosure script, a safety plan, a budget, and a known list of accessible venues, dating shifts from chaotic to manageable. Preparation doesn't eliminate nerves — it keeps them from being the only thing driving the experience. Quick Takeaways DESC method: a repeatable self-advocacy script, rehearsed in low-stakes settings first. Name the accessibility tax: plan venues, transportation, and budget as a system. Disclosure is tiered, not one-size-fits-all, across profile, pre-date, and early dating. Preorders for the Five Stages of Dating Success Playbook are open now - limited discounted supplies: $15 digital $30 spiral bound  Take our Dating Success quiz. Music by Successful Motivation Artwork photo by Elevate

    260 - From Confidence to Strategy: Building Your Dating Toolkit

  8. Sep 8

    259 - Why Dating Doesn't Have to Feel So Hard

    Dating Confidence Is a Skill, Not a Trait Dating and relationship success is skill-based — not a personality trait, not luck. It's a set of capacities (self-awareness, resilience, strategy, consistent action) that can be built and strengthened like any other skill. The Real Question Underneath Most clients ask, in one form or another: "Will someone accept me, and accept my disability?" Ableism teaches that disability must be overlooked or tolerated for love to happen. That's false, but it takes real work to unlearn. Why It Starts With Self, Not Strategy The framework doesn't start with apps or profiles — it starts with self-esteem and self-discovery. You can't build a healthy relationship with someone else until you've built one with yourself. Whatever you believe about your worth leaks into every interaction. The Mindset Shift That Changes Everything When the internal question shifts from "will they accept me" to "are we compatible with each other," you stop auditioning for acceptance and start evaluating fit. You state accommodation needs plainly instead of apologizing for them. Disability-Born Strengths Are Assets Resilience, empathy, problem-solving, and advocacy skills that often develop through disability experience aren't deficits — they're genuine relationship assets. Part of the work is learning to actually see and believe your own strengths. Pace Matters, But So Does Movement Give yourself grace to move at your own pace — without using self-work as a permanent excuse to avoid dating. Sustainable confidence lives in the middle path between rushing unprepared and never starting. The Bigger Picture This is a sequential, evidence-informed path: self-worth → strategy → real-world dating → mastery. It's a skill-building system — it works because you work it. Quick takeaways: Confidence is built, not born Shift from "will they accept me" to "are we compatible" Disability-shaped strengths are real assets Preorders for the Five Stages of Dating Success Playbook are open now - limited discounted supplies: $15 digital $30 spiral bound  Take our Dating Success quiz. Music by Successful Motivation Artwork photo by Elevate

    259 - Why Dating Doesn't Have to Feel So Hard
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We offer strategies, encouragement, and mindset tips on dating with a disability. We talk about how to navigate sexual ableism, focus on your power to attract, and develop happy and healthy relationships.

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