“Wake me when there’s a yield. Until then, it’s just electronic tulips with a nice PR team,” said a junk-bond trader I slept with in the ’80s, who later asked me about Bitcoin from Sing Sing. This post, like my period, is three months late and yet another matter AI cannot solve, given my procrastination and sheer laziness. I remind you: I do not have a job, but I also do not have access to cash due to my husband’s mob ties. Crypto solves this. Luckily I’m not pregnant, because I can’t deal with the weight gain and no, my lack of blood is not age-related, thank you very much. I’ve simply been doing laps every morning in the jail swimming pool with some of the loveliest felons from the heyday of trad-fi in the ’80s. Whoever claimed crypto had the most criminals clearly never lived through the Boiler Room years of slicked-back junk-bond bros whose foreplay consisted of a dry finger-bang while saying things like “financed raider” and “ramping the stock.” Even after all that, I still can’t handle the on-chain mess we have today. Stress level: high. Between Bitcoin’s drastic drop blasting through my alimony and child support; yes, I asked for the funds to be in Bitcoin, and yes, that day happened to land on October 10, which historically is the worst week for us Jews, I remain violently underwhelmed by machine learning.I instead cling to my hardcore, conservative, maximalist American values: the Bitcoin white paper, my Bible pure and pristine collateral with no need for interference. Much like my engagement ring, which was a gift. In this season of greetings, it’s important to remember what we’re grateful for. My list has been the same since I was thirteen years old: cigarettes, private jets, and Xanax. I digress. My guest today is the following Ivy League contemporary: Kyle O’Brien. He almost married my sister, which would have been awkward given the throbbing sexual tension permeating this episode. I am in awe of Kyle due to his knowledge, his Frenchness, his homoerotic encryption, and his commitment to longevity in a country where the biggest moneymaker is suicide prevention and Lexapro. Kyle is hot. Kyle is smart. He is also, allegedly, best friends with Biggie, Tupac, and Pavarotti from his stint at RapGenius. He is the primary advisor to the Founder & CEO of Zama AI. He is co-pilot on strategy, execution, startup acceleration, partnerships, growth experiments, new ventures, and “special projects that are not drugs. . Zama is an open-source cryptography company building state-of-the-art Fully Homomorphic Encryption (FHE) solutions for blockchain and AI basically wizard-level math that lets machines compute on encrypted data without ever seeing it. I promise you I wont need it. You might tho. Support the show
