Who do you trust? You might have said your best friend, your partner, your mother, or someone else. Most people won’t automatically think of themselves as the person they trust most. More than likely, the person you trust doesn’t even trust themselves. Why don’t we trust ourselves? The answer links back to last month’s theme: negative self-talk. It’s very difficult to trust someone who is constantly criticising, judging, or pressuring you to do more and be better. In any relationship, trust grows when you accept the other person for who they are, rather than trying to change them. The relationship you have with yourself is no exception. Many of us: * Criticise ourselves. * Compare ourselves. * Focus on our flaws. * Replay our mistakes. * Wish we were different. Then we wonder why we struggle to trust ourselves. Wanting to fit in When I was a teenager, my one ambition was to be one of the ‘cool’ girls. I hated the shy, awkward girl who never knew what to say. That was me. Looking back, I can see that my issue wasn’t just a lack of self-confidence or low self-esteem. My real problem was that I was trying to be someone I wasn’t. I was that metaphorical square peg trying to fit into a round hole. I didn’t lack friends. I had some lovely ones, but I am ashamed to say, they weren’t good enough. That sounds horrible, but I didn’t like the person I was. So many of us grew up believing some variation of ‘I am not good enough.’ For me, it meant constantly comparing myself to my younger sister. I learned to check everything I thought and did against the question, “Is this good enough?” In my young mind, good enough meant looking, speaking, and acting like those girls. But I was never accepted; I stayed an outsider. After leaving school, I dated a man 7 years older than me. That felt like something a ‘cool girl’ would do. He stabbed me when I tried to end the relationship. That sent a message to my 17-year-old nervous system that leaving a relationship is dangerous. The message was clear: do not upset people. I realise now that this trauma led me to self-sabotage, people-pleasing and social anxiety. All of these stemmed from my lack of self-trust. When your words, feelings and actions are not aligned, your internal nervous system believes you cannot be trusted with your life. This means you: * Doubt your ability to achieve any goal. * Find it difficult to make decisions. * Seek constant validation. * Overthink and ruminate. Which leads to: * Suppressing your emotions because you don’t want to appear weak. * Ignoring your needs because you don’t want to seem selfish. * Twisting and shaping your identity to fit who you think you should be. * Agonising over your mistakes because you seek perfection. Acceptance comes before self-trust The way to start trusting yourself is to allow yourself to be who you are. That means accepting who you are and where you are right now, and then moving forward from there. You don’t need to become anyone else. You are good enough already. When you accept yourself, that becomes your new belief. I am good enough. This is where acceptance is often misunderstood. It doesn’t mean giving up and staying the same forever. It also doesn’t mean you will love yourself unconditionally overnight. It simply means telling the truth. This is who I am.This is where I am.I no longer need to fight myself. For years, I thought confidence would arrive when I finally became someone else. The ‘cool girl.’ But that was not me. It was never who my soul believed I was. It was a false image I was worshipping. The power of gratitude Before I could trust myself, I had to become grateful for the woman who had survived all she had suffered. The trauma of being stabbed five times at a young age.Living through another two abusive relationships.Becoming depressed and suicidal. I am grateful to have found the light and to be able to reopen my heart. I have used the powerful energies of love, kindness and gratitude to guide me. These experiences have made me more resilient and a calmer, kinder person. The more I accepted who I am, the safer it felt to simply be me. I began to trust and love myself. That is not arrogance; I am far from perfect. What I am is unique. There is no other me in the world. We don’t learn to trust ourselves by striving for perfection. We learn through repair. When you accept yourself, self-trust follows. You begin to respect the person you are. You stop thinking you need to change and realise you are returning to yourself. I realise now that the shy, sensitive, thoughtful girl was never the problem. My suffering stemmed from believing she should be different. Once that pressure began to ease, self-trust finally grew, as there was no longer a constant battle between who I was and who I thought I ought to be. When I stopped rejecting myself, my confidence grew. That was the beginning of self-trust. When we stop criticising ourselves long enough to listen, we begin to hear something important. Our own voice. Something to reflect on this week * Is there a part of you that you have been trying to change, hide, or reject? * Do you ever feel like a “square peg in a round hole”? * How often do you ask yourself, “Am I good enough?”? What would happen if you stopped? * Do you find yourself ignoring your own feelings, needs, or opinions? * What would self-acceptance look like for you right now? * If you trusted yourself a little more, which decisions would become easier? I am considering coaching someone as I write my book. The coaching would follow the transformation framework I use, the one that, as yet, doesn’t formally exist but is everything I have learned in my own transformation. It won’t be free, and it won’t be easy. That said, if you are ready to transform your life and want to know more, send me a message. I will be offering a place to only one person, so you will have my full attention. Much loveSue xx This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe
