This is the final post in October’s Self-Respect theme.Week 1 - You Don’t Have to Love Yourself to Respect YourselfWeek 2 - It Took a While to Realise All the Ways I had Abandoned MyselfWeek 3 - You Don’t Need Anyone’s Permission to Respect YourselfWeek 4 - When Self-Respect Becomes a Way of Life At the beginning of October, I suggested that you don’t have to love yourself to respect yourself. You don’t need to feel wonderful or think you have everything figured out if that doesn’t feel true right now. Instead, you can realise you matter and start making small changes that reflect that. We have explored what self-respect looks like, how we abandon ourselves, how we let others treat us, and what happens when self-respect becomes part of everyday life. How can you recognise that your self-respect is growing? We may believe we deserve respect, but we don’t always act that way. So, a good question to ask yourself is: Do my actions align with the person I believe deserves respect? For a long time, my answer would have been no. These days, I respect myself because I realise I matter as much as anyone else. So, to finish off our October series, here are five things I’ve noticed that people with healthy self-respect tend to do differently. #1. They don’t beat themselves up when things go wrong People with healthy self-respect take responsibility for their mistakes. They don’t get defensive or try to shift the blame. They accept they have messed up, but they don’t beat themselves up about it. Instead, they learn from it. I used to call myself stupid every time I made a mistake. I never realised I was chipping away at my self-trust each time I said it. We are conditioned to believe we should always get things right. At school, teachers often mark wrong answers in red ink. We often believe that if we make a mistake, we will be humiliated and embarrassed, and end up feeling ashamed. We grow up with this inner fear of rejection if we get something wrong. The thing is, no one gets through life without making a mistake. It is part of being human, and it is how we learn and grow. It’s important to remember that a mistake is something you did, not who you are. People with healthy self-respect recognise that distinction. They take responsibility, make things right where they can, and learn from the experience without turning it into self-criticism. How to use this Talk to yourself as you would to a good friend. If your friend tells you they have made a mistake and are feeling bad about it, you wouldn’t call them stupid or useless. So stop doing that to yourself. Look at how you can put it right and what you can learn for next time. #2. They communicate their boundaries without excessive explanation They understand that saying no does not make them unkind or selfish. Self-respect isn’t just how you feel about yourself; it’s how you show up in the world. That does not always come naturally. For most of us, setting boundaries and saying no brings a lot of discomfort. We set a boundary, and the person pushes back. We start to feel uncomfortable, so we either over-explain or give in. This might ease the discomfort in that moment, but it won’t last. Later, we start to worry about whether that was the right thing to do. With healthy self-respect, you set boundaries and stick to them. You don’t feel the urge to over-explain yourself. You may still feel uncomfortable or guilty, but you recognise that those feelings don’t necessarily mean you’ve made the wrong decision. You can be considerate of another person’s needs without automatically putting them above your own. That doesn’t mean always saying no or putting yourself first, though. Sometimes we choose to put another person’s needs ahead of our own because it’s the kind and loving thing to do. The difference is that we make that choice freely, rather than out of fear, guilt, or a need for approval. How to use this Next time you say no to something and start to feel that discomfort, ask yourself: Am I making this decision because I genuinely want to, or because I’m afraid of how the other person will react if I don’t? #3. They make decisions based on their values, not other people’s expectations They listen to advice but don’t automatically abandon their judgement. They consider their needs and act in ways that align with their values. That doesn’t mean you never ask for help or seek another opinion. Sometimes we are unsure of the best option. Self-respect means taking responsibility for your decisions. You listen, consider your options, and choose what feels most aligned with your values and circumstances. If new information comes along, you can change your mind without seeing it as a failure. You may not always get it right, but as in example #1, you learn from it and use the information to move on. How to use this The questions to ask yourself here are: Is this decision truly my own, or am I doing what I’m expected to do?Is this decision aligned with my values, with what matters to me? #4. They choose relationships where respect goes both ways They don’t expect everyone to agree with them, but they value mutual consideration and honesty. Looking back, I can see how one-sided some of my relationships were. I often accepted behaviour that hurt me because I didn’t believe I deserved anything better. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, where both people can express their feelings and opinions without fear of being belittled or humiliated. Both parties matter. You can love someone deeply and still disagree with them. But there is a difference between accepting someone’s right to a different opinion and accepting behaviour that consistently undermines your dignity. When you respect yourself, you recognise that difference. You stop believing that maintaining a relationship is always more important than how you are treated within it. How to use this Two questions to keep in mind:Can I be myself in this relationship without feeling that I have to make myself smaller?When we disagree, do we still treat each other with kindness and respect? #5. They keep promises to themselves They take their needs and commitments seriously while allowing flexibility when life changes. People with healthy self-respect take their commitments seriously. If they decide to do something that matters to them, they follow through. Not because they have to prove their worth, but because their time, needs and intentions matter too. Think about how you feel when someone repeatedly promises to do something for you and then lets you down. Eventually, you stop trusting their promises. Something similar can happen in our relationship with ourselves. We promise to start exercising, take time for ourselves, work on a project, or change a habit. But other things keep taking priority, and we set our own commitments aside. Over time, we may begin to doubt our ability to follow through. Self-respect means treating your commitments with the same care you would give a promise to someone you care about. That doesn’t mean being rigid. Sometimes life changes, circumstances intervene, or we realise a commitment no longer serves us. We can adjust our plans without abandoning ourselves. The aim isn’t perfect consistency. It’s becoming someone you know you can rely on. How to use this Make one small promise to yourself this week that feels realistic and meaningful. It might be taking a daily walk, spending fifteen minutes on a project, or giving yourself some uninterrupted time to rest. If circumstances change, consciously decide how to adjust your commitment. Then notice how it feels to take your own promises seriously. Building self-respect and much more Small changes often seem insignificant, but they are not. Every time you choose yourself, you are building not only self-respect but also self-trust and self-confidence. You don’t have to love yourself before you can begin treating yourself with respect. You can start with one small way of treating yourself as if you matter. Gradually, those small choices… This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe
