This is the third post in this months theme of building confidence.Week 1 - All I Wanted Was to Be Susan’s Friend and to Own a PonyWeek 2- I Didn’t Only Build My Confidence, I Uncovered Who I Was For much of my life, I didn’t feel good enough. I was a high achiever who felt like an imposter. So working in a career where league tables rated performance was ideal. I could see where I stood compared to my peers. It gave me the external validation I needed to prove to myself that I was good enough. I imagine this was true for many of my peers, although we didn’t realise it at the time. Then the financial services industry changed, and the league tables were removed. Although we knew our own performance, we no longer knew how we compared. The constant ability to validate by checking the league table was gone. Luckily, by this time I had something I suspect many of my peers didn’t. Although external validation had confirmed me as a winner, it was no longer the only thing I needed to sustain my confidence. I already believed I was good at my job. I had self-trust. Trust in yourself Some people who appear extremely confident still rely heavily on external validation. They may be able to walk into a room and look super confident, but beneath the surface, fear and self-doubt linger. What did they think of me? Did I say the right thing there? Did I get it right? They rely on external proof that they are good enough. Their financial worth, material possessions, status and other people’s opinions. They also rely on things going well. When they win, they feel great, but when something goes wrong, they stumble, and their confidence drops again. Without self-trust, we don’t believe in ourselves. We seek validation elsewhere instead of feeling secure in our own bodies. As a result, we often don’t act until we are sure it will work. We let fear take over and procrastinate. We think we need confidence to start. We don’t. One of the biggest misconceptions about confidence is believing we need to be confident before we start. That is completely backwards. To feel truly confident, you need to build self-trust first by taking action. These actions can be small. You only need one step at a time, and trust will build from there. You already have confidence within you. There are things in your life that you have already achieved. There are things in your life that you are very good at. When you try something new, you may not feel confident yet. But you already have evidence from other parts of your life that you can learn, adapt, and try again. Trusting myself I didn’t wake up one morning thinking, ‘OK, time to work on self-trust.’ It grew in me as I made those small changes in my life. I remember one of the trainers on a course telling me about her ‘magic lipstick’. She said that whenever she felt nervous, she would look in a mirror and reapply her lipstick. Then she would smile at her reflection and say, ‘I am ready.’ The lipstick didn’t calm her nerves or magically give her confidence. It was a small ritual that reminded her she could feel nervous and still be ready. If you have heard me speak, or been in my Confidence Circle, you’ve heard me talk about a ‘greatness list’. I always recommend making a list of all your achievements. The big and the small wins. Everything that you can point to and feel good about. This is your evidence. We are encouraged to always win and to celebrate only the wins. As my father used to say, second place is the first loser. These days, I believe in celebrating the effort you put into something, whether you win or lose. Self-trust grew when I stopped believing everything had to work out. I learned to value showing up and trying, rather than celebrating only when I succeeded. After retiring from my career, I started writing and coaching. This was completely new to me. I didn’t wait until I felt confident enough to write publicly, coach, facilitate conversations or speak up. I drew on the confidence I had built in other areas to trust myself enough to just start. These new experiences, although scary at first, gave me more evidence that I could trust myself. Confidence grows from the effort you put into trying each new thing. This is what I do I learned coaching, speaking and writing by doing them. Each time, I gave myself a little more evidence that I could learn something new. Eventually, something changed. I moved from wondering whether I could actually do this to believing that this is what I do now. I trusted myself enough to try. I used to think confidence meant seeing my name in the top part of a league table. It was how I could prove to myself that I was succeeding. Now I know confidence means trusting myself enough to act even when I don’t know the outcome beforehand. Maybe not everyone will like what I write, or a conversation doesn’t go the way I hoped. I still feel nervous and I am okay. I carry on. Confidence comes from trusting who you are. If you are standing at the edge, waiting for confidence to arrive. If you are waiting for someone to tell you it’s going to work out before you can move. Stop waiting and take the leap. Confidence is waiting for you on the other side. Self-trust is an area we talk about a lot in our weekly Confidence Circle sessions. If you are that person standing on the edge of something you want to achieve but haven’t started, come and join us for support and encouragement. Much loveSue xx This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe
