“If I can’t make you like me, I will die.” Extreme? Yes.But at its core, that’s what people-pleasing is. It’s a survival instinct. When we’re very young, we rely on our caregivers for safety and love. If that love feels conditional or unpredictable, we learn to adapt. We behave in ways that earn approval. We try to be agreeable, helpful, and easy to love. That strategy doesn’t disappear when we grow up. It becomes people-pleasing. At the root of people-pleasing is low self-esteem. We don’t like ourselves, so we look outward for proof that we are likeable, even loveable. For me, this began in childhood. My mother became depressed, and I took it as rejection. I believed I wasn’t clever. I didn’t feel truly loved. And slowly, I stopped liking myself. People-pleasing became my way of controlling how others felt about me.If they liked me, maybe I was worth something.If they approved of me, maybe I could approve of myself. Written down, the belief sounds irrational, but when it’s lived quietly and unconsciously, it feels very real. People-pleasing is rarely loud or obvious. Often it’s a subtle internal reflex that happens before we realise we’ve agreed to something. When we don’t like ourselves, we unconsciously outsource our worth to others. We let them decide whether we are enough. That’s what I was doing: handing over my self-respect and waiting for it to be returned. Over time, I came to see that trying to make people like me by being endlessly “nice” or always available wasn’t real connection. It didn’t create closeness or respect. In fact, it quietly taught people that my needs didn’t matter. What people-pleasing really looks like People-pleasing isn’t just saying yes when you want to say no. It often shows up as: * Agreeing too quickly. * Softening your truth so no one feels uncomfortable. * Over-explaining yourself. * Prioritising harmony over honesty. * Ignoring your own needs to avoid disappointment or tension. It’s important to say this clearly: people-pleasing is not a weakness. It evolved to keep you safe, but over time it can lead to resentment, anger, and emotional exhaustion. Kindness vs people-pleasing I’m often asked, “But what about kindness? Isn’t that the same thing?” No. True kindness has nothing to do with people-pleasing. Kindness comes from the heart. You do it because the act itself feels right. There’s no hidden expectation, no quiet tallying, and no need for validation in return. A simple way to tell the difference is to reflect on something you recently did for someone else: * Did it leave you feeling warm and content? * Or did you feel disappointed, resentful, or taken for granted? * Looking back, do you wish you’d said no? If resentment shows up, it’s often because something was given in the expectation of receiving something in return. For example, I often bake a cake for my elderly neighbours. They’re in their 80s, and the lady struggles with arthritis. Taking a cake to their door feels good to me, and I can see it matters to them, too. Sometimes the husband brings me vegetables he’s grown. I appreciate that, but I don’t expect it. It’s not a transaction. By contrast, when my sister moved closer to where I live, I made a significant effort to build a relationship, something we have never really had. I was hoping it would finally bring closeness and approval. I gave her lifts, help, and time, even when it didn’t feel right. Over time, I started to resent helping. That was my signal. I wasn’t being kind; I was abandoning myself. Why people-pleasing undermines confidence When people-pleasing runs your life, self-respect quietly erodes. And when self-respect erodes, confidence follows. Confidence grows when the “yes” you say out loud matches the “yes” you feel inside, and when you live in line with your values rather than overriding yourself to keep the peace. Each time you ignore your own needs, a part of you notices.Over time, trust in yourself weakens. Not because you aren’t capable, but because you no longer feel fully on your own side. Boundaries are not walls Setting boundaries doesn’t mean pushing people away or becoming cold or difficult. It means being intentional about what you agree to. A boundary is simply clarity about what you will and won’t do. When your values are clear, and your behaviour aligns with them, people learn how to treat you. Self-respect grows each time you pause to ask, “What do I genuinely want or need here?” From automatic yes to intentional response Living with intention means replacing reflexive agreement with conscious choice. That might sound like this: * “Let me think about that and get back to you.” * “That doesn’t work for me right now.” * “I’d like to help, but I can’t commit to that.” You don’t need perfect wording.You don’t need to justify yourself endlessly.You just need to stay true to yourself as you respond. Each time you do, your confidence grows. The boundary pause This week, notice moments when you feel pressured to say yes. Before responding: * Pause for one breath. * Check in with your body. * Ask yourself: If I responded honestly, what would I say? You don’t have to act on it immediately. Even noticing the difference between what you say and what you feel is a powerful step towards self-respect. Reflection You might like to reflect on one or two of these: * Where do I tend to people-please most? * What am I afraid might happen if I say no? * How does people-pleasing affect my energy and confidence? * What would a self-respecting response sound like? * How might my confidence change if I honoured my limits more often? If you liked this post, here is another about people-pleasing that I wrote last year: Self-Reflect. Why Are You Being So Kind Tell me, do you suffer from people-pleasing? It can be very difficult to shift. How do you manage it? Until next weekMuch loveSue xx This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe
