What if the reason you keep getting attached to the wrong men has less to do with them, and more to do with what feels familiar to you? In this deeply honest coaching session, I work with Leila, a woman who finds herself repeatedly getting attached to men who are inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, or unable to give her the security and consistency she actually wants. Leila knows the red flags are there. She can see them rationally. And yet, she still finds herself emotionally invested. As we explore her relationships, childhood and emotional patterns, Leila begins to uncover a connection she had never fully seen before. Her attraction to unreliable men isn’t random. The hot and cold behaviour, the breadcrumbs of affection, the feeling of having to work for someone’s attention all feel strangely familiar. Together, we explore the loss of her father when she was young, her relationship with her older brother, and how those early experiences shaped her understanding of love, safety and connection. They explore attachment, the nervous system, the fixer identity, childhood wounds, emotional familiarity and the difference between what we consciously want and what our nervous system has learned to seek. But this conversation isn’t about blaming our childhood for our adult choices. It’s about understanding ourselves with enough compassion that we can finally begin choosing differently. And ultimately, it’s about learning to stop looking to other people to give us the sense of worth, safety and love that we can find through our relationship with Allah. If you’ve ever found yourself asking, “Why do I keep choosing the same kind of man when I know better?”, felt addicted to someone’s potential, or struggled to walk away from a relationship that wasn’t giving you what you needed, this conversation is for you. Consider / Ask Yourself * Do I feel most attracted to people who are consistent, or people I have to work to win over? * Have I confused familiarity with compatibility? * What kind of behaviour did I learn to associate with love growing up? * Do I find myself wanting to rescue, fix or save the men I’m attracted to? * What am I actually looking for when I become attached to someone who gives me very little? * Where am I seeking from people what I need to learn to receive from Allah? Key Insights * Our rational mind can recognise red flags while our nervous system remains attached to what feels familiar. * What feels like chemistry isn’t always compatibility. * Childhood experiences can shape the types of relationships our nervous system feels drawn towards. * Breadcrumbs of affection can become our baseline when we learned early that love and attention had to be earned. * The desire to rescue or fix someone can sometimes be connected to our own unmet childhood needs. * Understanding your patterns isn’t about blaming your parents or your past. It’s about taking responsibility for what you do with those patterns now. * Healing isn’t about becoming perfectly healed before you’re worthy of healthy love. * Reparenting means learning to give your younger self the safety, consistency and compassion she may have been missing. * We can choose differently when we learn to recognise what is familiar without automatically mistaking it for what is good for us. * Our relationship with Allah can become a deeper source of security and validation than constantly seeking reassurance from other people. How to Deepen the Work When you notice yourself becoming attached to someone who is inconsistent or unavailable, pause before acting on the attachment. Ask yourself: “What does this person make me feel that feels familiar?” Then ask: “What does the younger version of me actually need right now?” Instead of chasing another breadcrumb, try giving that part of yourself the attention, comfort and reassurance she’s looking for. You can also spend some time writing to your younger self, looking at an old childhood photograph, or listening to the inner child hypnosis mentioned in this episode. And most importantly, bring the process back to Allah. Ask Him for the kind of love, security and inner peace that no human being can provide on their own. Work With Soumaya If this conversation brought up patterns you know you’re ready to heal, you can work with Soumaya privately through 1:1 coaching. Find out more and book a free clarity call here. You can also subscribe to The Healed Sister on Substack for more reflections, tools and resources on healing, faith, relationships and becoming the woman Allah created you to be. And if this episode resonated with you, share it with another woman who might need to hear it. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thehealedsister.substack.com
