Phoenix Rising With Dr Z: Conversations About Grief and Loss

Dr, Christina Zampitella
  • 5.0 (13)
  • Mental Health
  • Updated Weekly

In life. we so often avoid the experience of grief, and that avoidance makes it hard to talk about in our everyday lives. Yet it is a natural and almost universal experience- one that is complex and personal. In this podcast, we will be deconstructing and zooming in on the component parts of grief, and talking about the different ways we can process and heal through loss. About Your Host Dr Christina Zampitella- is a Dr of Clinical Psychology and a Fellow of Thanatology, with the Association for Death Education and Counseling and the founder of the Center For Grief and Trauma Therapy in Wilmington Delaware.

  1. Sep 15

    0073: When Grief Comes With Betrayal: Mourning Someone Who Lied (Part 2)

    How do you grieve someone when their death leaves you with more questions than answers?   In Part 2 of this deeply personal conversation, Dr. Christina Zampitella and psychologist and author Dr. Niki Serravalle continue exploring the complicated grief that followed the unexpected death of Niki's ex-husband, Ed.   After Ed died from a drug overdose, Niki began learning things about his life that didn't fit the person she had known for nine years. She discovered an arrest she knew nothing about, questioned whether drug use had been happening without her knowledge, and began hearing from others who had their own experiences with his lies. At the same time, those discoveries didn't erase the person she knew and loved.   Niki reflects on the challenge of holding those realities together: Ed could lie and still be deeply loved. Their relationship could be chaotic and painful while also containing genuine connection and beautiful memories. She could love him while recognizing that being in a relationship with him was not healthy for her.   Christina and Niki also explore the unanswered "what ifs" that often accompany grief, the stigma surrounding deaths from drug overdose, and the difference between loving someone and allowing them unrestricted access to your life. Niki shares how Ed's death ultimately became part of a much larger journey toward understanding herself, her codependency, her boundaries, and the stories she had carried about who she was.   If this conversation resonates with you, subscribe to Phoenix Rising with Dr. Z and share the episode with someone who may benefit from hearing it.   Learn more at: balancedlivingde.com   Chapters: 00:00 How Ed Died 00:45 Discovering a Hidden History With Drugs 02:00 Learning He Had Lied to Everyone 03:00 Loving Someone Beyond Their Struggles 05:10 The "What Ifs" and "If Onlys" of Grief 06:15 Who Am I Actually Grieving? 07:00 Friendship After Divorce 08:15 The Medical Issues Before His Death 1 0:20 The Final Weeks of Ed's Life 11:15 Loving Someone Who Lied 12:10 Grieving His Absence 13:15 Finding Connection Through His Dog 15:50 How Ed Changed Niki 16:20 Connection vs. Compatibility 17:15 The Story Behind Niki's Book 18:50 When the Story Became About Her Own Healing 20:00 Vulnerability, Shame and Learning to Love Yourself 21:00 Can You Love Someone Who Continues to Lie? 22:15 Love Doesn't Mean a Relationship Is Healthy 23:00 Loving Someone With Boundaries 24:15 The Stories We Told 25:00 Why Niki Chose to Share Her Story 26:00 The Reality Behind Sensationalized Stories of Lying 27:00 Closing Thoughts

  2. Sep 1

    0073: When Grief Comes With Betrayal: Mourning Someone Who Lied (Part 1)

    What happens when someone dies and, in the process of grieving them, you discover that parts of the person you knew may not have been true? In Part 1 of this deeply personal conversation, Dr. Christina Zampitella is joined by psychologist and author Dr. Niki Serravalle to explore a complicated and rarely discussed kind of grief: grieving the death of someone who lied about significant parts of their life. Dr. Serravalle shares the story of her relationship with her late ex-husband, from the intense connection they experienced early on to the small, seemingly inconsequential lies that eventually gave way to much larger deceptions. Together, Christina and Niki explore the confusion of loving and trusting someone while also learning to overlook inconsistencies, and how patterns of codependency can become intertwined with relationships marked by instability and deception. The conversation also examines the difference between compulsive lying and intentional manipulation, how codependency can show up even in people who appear strong and self-aware, and the grief that can happen long before a physical death when a relationship or the life you believed you had begins to disappear. Then, after her late ex-husband’s unexpected death, Niki made a discovery that challenged one of the most fundamental stories he had told about himself. Despite years of describing himself as a Marine and appearing to live with the physical and psychological effects of military service, his family told her he had never served in the military. That discovery opened an entirely new layer of grief and an unsettling question: Who exactly are you grieving when you can no longer be certain who the person was? Part 2 continues 9/15.   Subscribe to Phoenix Rising with Dr. Z for conversations about grief, trauma, healing, and the complicated experiences that don't always fit neatly into traditional conversations about loss.   Chapters 00:00 Welcome to Phoenix Rising 00:45 Meet Dr. Niki Serravalle 01:30 Grieving the Death of a Liar 02:40 How Niki and Ed Met 04:15 Love Bombing vs. Intense Love 06:10 When the Small Lies Began 07:35 Discovering the First Major Lie 09:05 When He Suddenly Disappeared 10:05 Grieving Someone Who Is Still Alive 10:45 Being Pulled Back Into the Relationship 11:40 Codependency and the Need to Fix 13:25 Marriage, Money and More Questions 15:20 The Gambling Story 17:40 Understanding Niki's Codependency 19:25 Finding a Sense of Self 21:35 Why the Lies Became Easier to Ignore 23:35 When the Lies Became Part of His Identity 24:10 Ed's Story of Being a Marine 25:40 What Niki Discovered After His Death 27:00 “He Was Never in the Military”   Key Takeaways Grief can become complicated when the person you lost is also someone you're still trying to understand. Death can remove the possibility of asking questions, getting clarification, or ever knowing the complete truth. For someone grieving after deception, mourning may involve both the person who died and the unanswered questions they left behind. You can grieve someone who is still alive. Niki describes grieving the connection and relationship she believed she had when Ed abruptly disappeared from her life. Grief isn't limited to physical death. We can also grieve relationships, futures, identities, trust, and the version of life we believed we were building. Codependency doesn't always look like neediness. For Niki, codependency showed up as giving up her own truth to protect someone else's, trying to create enough safety for another person to change, and believing that if she could make things okay for him, the relationship would be okay. A person can be accomplished, independent, and self-aware in many areas of life while still experiencing codependent patterns within intimate relationships. Knowing that someone lies doesn't necessarily mean you recognize the biggest lies. Once smaller lies became expected, Niki stopped looking as closely at certain details. Meanwhile, some of the largest deceptions were woven into enough truth and consistency that they seemed unquestionable. Contradictory truths can exist in grief. Someone can have lied, caused harm, or behaved in deeply confusing ways while still having been loved and experienced as meaningful. Recognizing harmful behavior does not automatically erase the relationship, and loving someone does not require denying the harm they caused. A death can change not only how you see the future, but how you understand the past. Learning after Ed's death that he had apparently never served in the military meant Niki wasn't simply processing his death. She was also being asked to reconsider years of memories, conversations, and assumptions about who he had been. That creates a unique form of grief in which the mourner may be trying to reconstruct both the relationship and the identity of the person they lost.

  3. Aug 18

    0072: Ritual & Grief: Creating Sacred Containers for Loss with Gyani Richards (Part 2)

    Ritual & Grief: Creating Sacred Containers for Loss with Gyani Richards In this episode, Christina and Gyani discuss ritual as a structured, therapeutic container that supports presence, safety, and transformation during grief. They frame healing work as descended from shamanic traditions and describe ritual as a non-intellectual, embodied “descent” that helps people tolerate uncertainty, identity shifts (e.g., widow, orphan), and the vulnerability grief exposes. They explore how rituals can honor losses, mark shattering life changes, and support a continued bond with the deceased, while cautioning against prescribing one-size-fits-all rituals and emphasizing autonomy, choice within structure, and customization. The conversation also highlights grief’s somatic nature, fears about being overwhelmed by emotion, and the idea that grief needs space to move. They close with the caterpillar-to-butterfly metaphor, emphasizing that struggle is part of transformation and cannot be bypassed. 00:00 Why Ritual Matters 00:28 Therapy as Ritual Space 02:11 Rituals Across Cultures 03:43 Personal Loss Markers 07:37 Beyond Intellectualizing 10:09 Liminal Space Qualities 11:57 Identity After Loss 16:19 Continuing Bonds 20:38 Prescribed vs Personal 25:13 Choice Within Structure 28:29 Making Holidays Bearable 30:37 Grief in the Body 34:02 Simple Everyday Rituals 35:15 Fear of the Grief Well 36:52 Caterpillar Metaphor 42:05 Dont Meddle Support 42:40 Where to Find Gyani 43:31 Final Wrap Up

  4. Aug 11

    0072: Ritual & Grief: Creating Sacred Containers for Loss with Gyani Richards (Part 1)

    Ritual & Grief: Creating Sacred Containers for Loss   Dr. Zampitella welcomes back grief counselor Gyani Richards to discuss how ritual supports the grieving process. Gyani describes grief as a rite of passage with separation, a liminal in-between, and reintegration, and explains ritual as an “on-ramp” that creates a container giving access to parts of ourselves otherwise unavailable—ranging from simple acts like lighting a candle to communal ceremonies.   They explore how intention distinguishes ritual from habit or activity and how ritual helps create “right relationship” with loss—close enough to learn without being overwhelmed. Gyani shares a death-and-dying workshop framed as preparing to “die” on Sunday at 5:00, while Dr. Z recounts peak experiences in nature and a Navajo healing ceremony involving peyote. They conclude that people turn to ritual to hold the vast mystery of death and that even counseling can function as a ritualized container. Tune in next week for part 2.   Chapters: 00:00 Welcome Back 00:57 Meet Gyani Richards 01:57 Rituals In Grief 03:26 Grief As Passage 08:13 Right Relationship 11:18 Death Workshop Story 14:33 Death Anxiety Talk 15:32 Ritual Versus Habit 18:03 What Sacred Means 20:15 Knowing The Sacred 22:43 Peak Nature Experience 26:51 Navajo Ceremony Story 30:39 Why Ritual Helps 32:00 Therapy As Ritual

  5. Jul 28

    0071: Medical Trauma: Anxiety, Agency, and Advocacy in Healthcare (Part 2)

    Medical Trauma: Anxiety, Agency, and Advocacy in Healthcare (PART 2) Medical Trauma, Self-Advocacy & Identity Shifts | Phoenix Rising with Dr. Z   Dr. Christina Zampitella hosts Phoenix Rising with Dr. Z, a podcast on healing through grief and trauma, and discusses medical trauma with Carolyn from the Portland Institute for Loss and Transition. They explore how patients can advocate for themselves by preparing questions before appointments, debriefing afterward, and building agency through curiosity, note-taking, and asking for resources like social work, chaplains, spiritual care, and supportive services. Dr. Z shares personal experiences with cancer treatment, including the vital role of nurses’ empathy and the impact of identity shifts such as being labeled “the one who had cancer.” Carolyn emphasizes self-understanding, self-compassion, communication with caregivers and medical staff, and seeking trauma therapy for ongoing medical trauma. They also discuss widening one’s focus beyond illness, nurturing rituals, and a “logbook” exercise on losses, silver linings, and what matters now.   00:00 Podcast Introduction 00:25 Empathy in Medicine 02:19 Preparing for Appointments 05:59 Asking for Support 09:58 Trauma from Procedures 11:35 Coping and Self Knowledge 14:48 Caregiver Communication Tips 18:39 Identity After Illness 21:38 Making Peace with Change 24:23 Finding the Sweet Spot 24:58 Core Self and Values 26:18 Integrity Not Betrayal 29:03 Curiosity and Self Care 30:10 Building Support Networks 32:24 Communication and Gaslighting 35:32 Healing Medical Trauma 38:30 Resilience and Rituals 41:10 Logbook for Meaning 45:46 Closing Thanks and Resources

  6. Jul 21

    0071: Medical Trauma: Anxiety, Agency, and Advocacy in Healthcare (Part 1)

    Medical Trauma: Anxiety, Agency, and Advocacy in Healthcare (PART 1) Medical Trauma: How Healthcare Experiences Can Shatter Trust, Agency, and Safety | Phoenix Rising with Dr. Z Dr. Christina Zampitella introduces Phoenix Rising with Dr. Z and welcomes grief therapist and educator Dr. Carolyn Ng to discuss medical trauma and why it is often unacknowledged in healthcare. Ng, associate director at the Portland Institute for Loss and Transition with a background in pediatric oncology, palliative care, and bereavement, shares her experience as a breast cancer survivor and describes how trauma is defined by its impact, not the event itself, potentially shaking one’s worldview, self-concept, and trust in others. They explore medical trauma for patients, families, and staff, including triggers from hospital environments, invasive procedures, poor preparation, and ruptures with medical teams. Ng recounts feeling violated by Singapore’s TB treatment protocol that removed dignity and agency. Zampitella shares traumatic moments during her leukemia diagnosis, including dehumanizing language and lack of communication while placed on an overflow unit. They emphasize better patient orientation, advocacy, and supportive “buddy” or psychosocial resources. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR PART 2! 00:00 Welcome to Phoenix Rising 01:01 Meet Dr Carolyn Ng 02:15 Career in Grief and Oncology 04:03 Cancer Survivor Perspective 08:33 Defining Medical Trauma 14:35 Patient Trauma Triggers 20:12 TB Protocol Trauma Story 26:16 Dignity and Lost Agency 28:52 Agency And Betrayal 29:58 Confronting The Oncologist 32:39 Overflow Unit Trauma 36:14 Fixing The Intake Gap 38:53 Why Patients Stay Silent 43:53 Piece Of Cake Mindset 46:33 How To Self Advocate 48:43 Empathy That Grounds

  7. Jul 7

    0070: Born Into Loss: Grieving Deceased Siblings, Replacement Dynamics, and Healing After Family Silence (Part 2)

    Born Into Loss: Grieving Deceased Siblings, Replacement Dynamics, and Healing After Family Silence   Dr. Christina Zampitella hosts Phoenix Rising with Dr. Z in a conversation about healing grief and trauma, focusing on “born after loss” experiences, disenfranchised grief for a sibling never met, and shifting “replacement dynamics” within families. They explore why families may hide an adopted-out or deceased child—shame, stigma, pain, and cultural messages about “moving on”—and the anguish of unanswered questions when parents have died. Practical meaning-reconstruction tools include letter-writing dialogues, rituals, therapy, and expressive arts; the guest shares creating a memorial memory box using saved dress pieces, pink wax, shells, and a vintage sign, highlighting process and product in art therapy. They discuss approaching parents with empathy while still owning one’s needs and anger, impacts on parenting and adult relationships, potential for post-loss growth, and concerns about the term “rainbow baby.” They close by recommending the book Born Into Loss: Shadows of Deceased Siblings and Family Journeys of Grief.   00:00 Welcome to Phoenix Rising 00:25 Born After Loss Grief 01:33 Why Families Hide Loss 04:15 When Answers Are Gone 06:00 Letters and Rituals 07:40 Memory Box Art Therapy 14:52 Process Over Product 16:22 Starting the Conversation 19:24 Anger and Repair 21:42 Relationships and Parenting 24:44 Post Loss Growth 29:31 Rainbow Baby Language 33:27 Book and Closing Thoughts

  8. Jun 30

    0070: Born Into Loss: Healing After a Deceased Sibling with Dr. Z & Sarah Vollman (Part 1)

    Born Into Loss: Healing After a Deceased Sibling with Dr. Z & Sarah Vollman   Dr. Christina Zampitella speaks with grief and loss clinician, researcher, and art therapist Sarah Vollman about being “born into loss,” when a child is born after a sibling has died. Vollman shares her family story of her sister Julie’s sudden drowning death at age six and discusses how traumatic loss reshapes family roles, attachment, and parenting capacity, sometimes creating “forgotten children.” They explore the need for long-term, practical support for bereaved families and how social networks often withdraw due to discomfort. Vollman explains how born-after siblings may face dismissal from others, pressure to help grieving parents, or expectations as a “replacement child,” including patterns she terms inadequate replacement” and “gift child,” and how these dynamics can affect surviving siblings, identity, and career paths in helping professions.   00:00 Welcome to Phoenix Rising 01:39 Meet Sarah Vollman 04:03 Julie’s Death and Aftermath 11:02 Parenting Through Devastation 13:37 Support Systems and Grief Literacy 17:42 What Born Into Loss Means 19:47 Replacement Child Pressures 24:19 Inadequate vs Gift Child Roles 29:09 Dr Z’s Personal Born Into Loss Story 35:40 Secrets, Silence, and Integration 39:02 How Dynamics Shift Over Time

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5
out of 5
13 Ratings

About

In life. we so often avoid the experience of grief, and that avoidance makes it hard to talk about in our everyday lives. Yet it is a natural and almost universal experience- one that is complex and personal. In this podcast, we will be deconstructing and zooming in on the component parts of grief, and talking about the different ways we can process and heal through loss. About Your Host Dr Christina Zampitella- is a Dr of Clinical Psychology and a Fellow of Thanatology, with the Association for Death Education and Counseling and the founder of the Center For Grief and Trauma Therapy in Wilmington Delaware.

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