Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast

Leslie Cohen-Rubury
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Is My Child A Monster? A brand new parenting therapy podcast.  You get to be a fly on the wall in Leslie Cohen-Rubury’s office and listen in as she sits with parents who share their stories in therapy sessions recorded live. 

  1. SEP 9

    How To Use Validation To Prioritize Family Relationships With Special Guest Dale Rubury

    This is the 100th Episode of the podcast.  And for 100 episodes it has been the goal to help parents understand their children so as to create a validating environment as well as a foundation of connection for your child’s wellbeing. In this episode, Leslie and Dale focus on how to make attending to the relationship with your child a high priority especially when there are escalating emotions. What’s the goal of your interactions with your child? Today’s episode explores the three goals of interpersonal situations from Dialectic Behavior Therapy as well as the six levels of validation. Time Stamps 3:38 What are the three goals of interpersonal situations The objective of the situation - balancing the short term vs long termAttending to your self-respectAttending to the relationship and how the person would feel after the interaction9:56 Escalating emotions is an indication that you may need to change your priority of the three goals 10:10 When the relationship is the number one priority in order to create the foundation of connection for your child’s wellbeing 11:53 Why is validation so important and what does it mean Validation is acknowledgment, not agreementParents need to practice “biting their tongue” so as not to invalidate your child16:20 Discussion of invalidation - Dale’s personal experience 18:25 Mysophonia is a diagnosis that validates the sensory overwhelm that some children/people feel 21:20 The respect you give your child will in turn often lead your child to respect you. 22:58 Beware of double down on getting your objective met when misbehavior shows up. 23:50 Change course means changing your priority from the objective to the relationship 24:34 The Six Levels of Validation 25:20 Level one: Paying attention 26:41 Level two: Reflect back 27:54 Level three: Reading minds 30:42 Level four: Understanding 32:16 Level five: Acknowledge the valid 33:32 Level six: Show equality 35:10 Choosing the level of validation that works is up to the individual and the situation 36:56 Examples of Functional Validation  38:30 Use the phrase: “What I just said might have felt invalidating to you” when someone gets upset with something you might have said  39:10 Match your intention with the impact Leslie-ism:  I want to say to parents: it's our job to take the first step forward. Resources: Dialectic Behavior Therapy - Interpersonal Effectiveness Handout on Validation including the Six Levels of Validation Dialectic Behavior Therapy - Clarifying Priorities in Interpersonal Situations Worksheet For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by

    42 min

  2. SEP 2

    Karen Part 3 of 3: When You Feel Like Parenting Should Be Easier

    Picture this, you have three children, it’s summer vacation and all the routines have changed and now your extended  family is coming for a visit. Sounds great and getting irritable and frustrated is also really understandable.  In today’s third and final session with Karen, who is a mother of three children, she is asking herself  the question: Shouldn’t this be easier?   The discussion also focuses on understanding the "people pleaser" the sensitive child, and some of the myths that we believe about ourselves and others.   Karen and her husband are bothered by her son's passion for watching animals fighting which is something we unpack through dialectic thinking and curiosity.  Time Stamps 3:22 Understanding factors contributing to a parent’s irritability and frustration and what to do about it 5:00 How to respond to stress and anxiety? 6:49 Take a look at your “core beliefs” which can be myths or mistaken beliefs. 8:15 Parents have an opportunity to break a generational cycle of judgment or shame 10:46 Do you believe everything you think? 11:16 Shame and Blame often go hand in hand.   Shame makes us feel vulnerable and blame can be something we do when we feel vulnerableThe urge to hide is associated with shameAnger is a secondary emotion to the shame13:28 Guilt vs Shame distinction 15:10 People pleaser don’t want other people to get upset (another core belief) People pleaser who worries about judgmentsChallenging our mistaken beliefs 20:05 A thought substitution is a way of changing your perspective  22:25 “Finding another interpretation” game 26:36 Coping skills can “calm you down” and distract you 27:00 The difference between distress tolerance skills and emotion regulation skills Distress tolerance skills - go slow  - tolerate the emotion without making things worseEmotion regulation skills - check the facts skill and challenging myths skill28:05 When the environment doesn’t fully understand a sensitive person it can feel invalidating -  30:52 Discussion about her son who watches animal fighting videos and what that means Ask the question…when does it work? and when does it not work?Physical touch, compression can be soothing to a child’s nervous systemGo below the surface to understand your child’s interests and behaviors38:20 Discussion of vulnerabilities and prompting events 39:20 A DBT Assumption:  People are doing the best they can with the skills they have in the present moment AND people need to do better 40:45  Finding balance between acceptance and asking what can I/you do differently next time? 43:28 Compassion and gratitude are essential for parents. Leslie-ism: You and your kids are doing the best you can with the skills you have at the present moment. Resources:   Kristin Neff’s video: The Three Components of Self-Compassion Tara Brach’s Resources and Meditations on Gratitude For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by

    52 min

  3. AUG 26

    Karen Part 2 of 3: How To Establish Limits and Teach Coping Skills

    Parenting is a work in progress and the idea that you get to learn as you go is essential.  In today’s episode Karen, who is eager to learn returns for her second session as we unpack the complexities of parent-child relationships of her three children.  Karen is seeking advice on how to raise resilient children, how to set limits when it feels like your daughter’s best friend talks back to adults and when your kids fight in the grocery store. Understanding who your child is and understanding the situation you are dealing with can change your perspective and guide your parenting skills. Time Stamps 3:10 Helping get kids off technology can range from connecting to your child to changing your expectations.   4:18 The change in the parents behavior can have a direct impact on what the child does 5:25 Changing your perspective from what the child is doing to you vs what’s happening to the child 7:39 Change takes time - manage your expectations 9:08The difference between authoritative vs authoritarian -  Learning to be comfortable with your authority as a parent  12:20 Human interaction is complex - assess the contributing factors including your child's vulnerabilities, expectations and beliefs 14:35 Missed opportunities - its like missing a train - there will be another one 16:19 Be “REAL” with your kids  17:33 Name the elephant in the room - verbalize what’s going on 18:35 Put your foot on the brake - Stop trying to teach/rationalize and put your foot on the validation gas pedal 19:20 Expand your thinking - be more flexible - get rid of stereotypes 20:10 Stop after the validation - don’t talk so much 22:20 Parenting is often counterintuitive 24:24 Practice taking a non-judgmental stance 25:29 DON'T change the limit - Validate and help them express themselves more accurately - with plenty of examples  28:25 FACE the challenge instead of avoiding the challenge Story of community service - giving back to others31:37 How to raise resilient kids and teach them to cope with life's struggles  36:40 Reinforcement - acknowledge what they experienced rather than praise 37:28 Coping skills are designed to keep the problem from getting worse (or from escalating) and learning to tolerate the discomfort 5,5,5, Skills -5 things you hear, 5 things you see, 5 things you feelResources:   ACCEPTS Skill in Dialectic Behavior TherapyIMPROVE Skill in Dialectic Behavior TherapySelf-Soothe Skill in Dialectic Behavior TherapyLeslie-ism: The road to happiness is knowing how to handle the life’s struggles For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecoh`podcasts/ . Yo u can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by

    50 min

  4. AUG 19

    Karen Part 1 of 3: Tailoring Technology Strategies To Fit Your Child’s Needs

    In today’s session you will meet Karen who has three kids, 10 year old Kate, 8 year old Vivian, and 5 year old Owen and asks Leslie the question of how to get her kids off technology. . Answering that question, means assessing what’s going on and then tailoring the strategies to each individual child.  This session also focuses on helping parents feel comfortable with their own authority while maintaining mutual respect with your child.and how not to personalize your child’s big emotions. Time Stamps 4:10 The unstructured nature of summer and its challenges 5:00 The dialectic perspective of the strong-willed children 8:15 Reasons how you diminish your authority as a parent Wait till the father steps inFeeling like your children push your buttonsGiving children too many choicesMom doesn’t mean what she says 12:45 Create individual strategies for dealing with technology for your individual kids 14:35 Don’t give into the “fairness game” Validate and move on rather than dismiss and move on16:35 Family meeting where everyone has a chance to be heard 17:25 Teaching children to manage “Technology Time” 18:25 Fair is not the same as equal 18:45 The definition of a “bad” parent -When parents personalize their child’s anger  21:19 Change your perspective and your interpretations My son is having strong emotionsMy son is getting to know his angerMy son is feeling disappointment24:47 Parents can unintentionally reinforce a child’s emotional reactivity 25:55 Cope Ahead Skill - Help a child learn what they can do differently next time instead of shaming them 28:35 How to establish personal power and agency for your children that is effective  30:21 Working on developing mutual respect  33:18 Observe and describe your child’s behavior nonjudgmentally 34:33 Explaining fairness, equanimity and sameness with a metaphor 38:05 Create structure in the day to help children manage technology time  41:44 Understanding what it means to be comfortable with authority Leslie-ism: Say what you mean and mean what you say Resources:   Horton Hatches An Egg by Dr Seuss read aloud on video For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

    45 min

  5. AUG 12

    How To Talk To Your Kid About Phones With Special Guest Max Stossel

    To quote Max Stossel “social media is drastically impacting young people’s mental health, focus, social skills, productivity and self-worth".  On today’s episode, Leslie has a conversation with technology expert, Max Stossel, who was a media strategist before becoming an educator on this topic. He speaks about the reality of phones and compassionately, how parents do indeed have to deal with this reality because it's not going away.  Max increases our understanding of how social media is designed to keep kids (and us) on the phones. He offers practical solutions to work on and hopes to create a common language between parents and their kids.   Time Stamps 3:45 Max explains his mission to “help children survive and thrive in the modern world” Social Media is like gas on a fire of all the issues that were already there for teenagers/kids such as self worth, bullying, etc5:00 Help kids to have a mindful moment of really checking in about how their technology makes them feel 8:40 How understanding slot machines and their variable reward system explains how and why we use the phone (Intermitten reinforcement which keeps a behavior going 11:37 Changing the question to your child from “do you like this? TO how does it make you feel?” “How does it make you feel during and after?”13:00 We can help children develop an awareness of what they are feeling during and after being on technology 14:45 Discussing the overwhelm that parents feel with the pressures of tech use 15:30 Discussion of why and how to delay giving your child a phone for as long as possible and problem solving 19:16 Max’s list a few of his recommendations (see show notes for a more extensive list) Removing phones from bedroomsUsing Technology is a trade between presence or looking at my phone. Its a choiceNarrate that choice- take responsibility for the choice you makeThe bigger the screen the better (more social accountability and less isolation)24:15 Two role play situations.   25:17 Trying to get your teen off their phone.  34:20 When your tween asks you to get them a phone 28:40 Review of the strategies of the first role play  38::00 Review of the strategies of the second role play 42:20 Technology gets in the way of self discovery 45:30 Experiment with substitute experiences instead of scrolling Leslie-ism: Replace the question of “do you like this TO how does it make you feel” Resources: Max Stossel’s Organization Social Awakening Website with technology resources Here is a list of best practices recommended by Max Stossel Here is list of best practices recommended by Max Stossel Max Stossel’s Website as a Poet and Performer The Center For Human Technology with a link to the movie The Social Dilemma Wait Until 8th Movement - resources and information For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram,

    50 min

  6. AUG 5

    Kevin & Scott Part 3 of 3: When Everyday Tasks Feel Challenging

    Parents have to deal with the daily activities of getting their kids dressed, fed and out the door. Sometimes there are great strategies and skills to help in those situations.  And sometimes those are just what Leslie calls “messy situations” that come with raising kids.  This is the third and final session with Kevin & Scott who have two boys - 7 year old Gavin and 4 year old Arthur. This episode is chock full of strategies and the discussion focuses on mindfulness skills as well as interpersonal skills. And stay tuned to the end of the episode where Scott gives us an update on how these sessions have helped both parents.   Time Stamps 2:22 Mindfulness practice helped their child be more focused and it helped the parents stay calmer and less frustrated 6:58 Definition and examples of one-minded 9:15  When kids don’t like making mistakes?  How to use Cope Ahead Skill 10:35 Helping the parents feel more competent Removing the “shoulds” from the homework task 12:30 How can you lower the expectations and still help your child reach their full potential 15:18 Role play scenario to demonstrate what to do when things are tense or escalating  Strategies that respectfully help the child whose brain says “I need to tell you every little detail of a story”18:40 Look for some collaboration and Identify the dialectic dilemma between your goal vs your child’s goal, your needs and your child’s needs 20:50 Definition of a synthesis 21:30 Use two hands to help your child visualize the two parts of dilemma 26:50 Messy moments are intrinsic to raising children 27:28 What to do during the big meltdowns Notice and Name the child’s state of mind - “You are in emotion mind”,Move the child from emotion mind to wise mind - make a listPhysical touch (X marks the spot)Do you want a hug?Do you want space?Hand the child an ice packPut on classical musicDo something physical - lay on the floor, do some jumping jacksYou can be the distraction Draw a road with many choices for how to get somewhereCo-regulate yourself33:30 Stay connected and set your limit 34:05 Be a broken record - Let your child know that you are there 34:55 Learning takes place between the meltdowns - Model and teach skills  35:50 An example of being irreverent - getting their attention by being genuine.  This is NOT sarcasm   37:35 Parents need to support each other Leslie-ism: Next time you or child feel anxious, try counting your steps Resources:   Leslie’s Handout on Dialectic Images for Finding a Synthesis to a Dialectic DilemmaIs My Child A Monster? Dealing with Overwhelm with Special Guest Dr. Kiki Fehling - to review the TIPP skills and other mindfulness skillsCope Ahead DBT Skill HandoutFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by

    44 min

  7. JUL 29

    Kevin & Scott Part 2 of 3: When Homework is Frustrating for Everyone

    Homework is a time of frustration in many families.  And there are so many root causes that contribute to the defiance that often comes with homework.   In today’s episode, which is the second session with Kevin and Scott, Leslie discusses and assesses what’s going on and what to do with those homework issues.  Kevin and Scott are parents to 7 year old Gavin and 4 year old Arthur -  two neurodivergent boys, who are trying incredibly hard to be the best parents they can be.  Leslie points out that perhaps everyone can try different, not harder. Time Stamps 3:40 Varying your skills is often very effective - mix it up a little 4:13 The opposite of self-compassion is self-deprecating and self-judgements  6:00 Using your skills intentionally makes the skill for effective 6:50 Family value of doing things together as a family Children avoid parts of their homework that’s hard for them.   The child may have difficulty admitting that they made a mistake9:40 Review of the should’s from the homework for Kevin and Scott 10:39 How to believe your own compassionate statement 11:35 Looking at yourself before you became a parent 14:24 Should-ing yourself or your child often turns into shaming 15:20 The pressure of parenting 16:38 Validate your thoughts but don’t attach to those thoughts 17:40 We don’t have to try harder, we have to try different 18:40 The many uses of mindfulness  23:03  What to do when your child refuses to do school work Give your child information about what happens to themPut it on paper so it is tangible and visual26:08 Many kids don’t want to talk about a past situation that didn’t go well 27:00 Homework is an opportunity to “see” who your child is and to help them understand themselves 28:15 Assess why is your child struggling with homework 31:30 Transitions may be challenging for kids with ADHD 32:40 Being seen and understood creates connection between parent and child Connection is the opposite of feeling shame34:03 Helping your child when they make a mistake and get upset “Can you give yourself permission to make a mistake”“That really threw you into emotion mind”Ahead of time, “are you prepared to make some mistakes” or “can you handle making a mistake today”37:44 Going to school for the neurodivergent child is extra exhausting. Some accommodations may be needed to create an environment that is supportive 39:20 New ideas and strategies may be refreshing in a the family dynamic 40:42 Keys to parenting when homework is problematic 42:30 Defiance is not the measure of being a bad parent.  Remember defiance is helping you understand your child Leslie-ism: Don’t try harder, try different!  For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and

    44 min

  8. JUL 22

    Kevin & Scott Part 1 of 3: When Parenting Feels Like A Sea of Chaos

    As parents we can probably relate to Kevin and Scott who describe family life as chaotic.  They are parents of two neurodivergent boys, 7 year old Gavin and 4 year old Arthur.  Its clear in this episode that these parents have done their homework and tried to help their boys and their family life but the frustration and uncertainly are ever present. Leslie works with Kevin and Scott to assess and understand the other important ingredients essential for effective parenting.  This episode focuses on feelings and concepts such as compassion, insecurity, shame and grief.  And together they that look at what happens when rewards stop working.   Time Stamps 3:10 Where do parents begin when trying to make sense household chaos 5:05 When parenting with strategies designed for the neurotypical child doesn’t work as well with the neurodivergent child 5:59 Grieving the child you thought you would have Comparison to other children or other familiesAcknowledge the child you have8:08 An example of making compassionate statements to each other and to themselves 11:20 Island of compassion in the sea of chaos Description of the morning "chaos" 14:15 Teasing can be “playful connection’ as well as the hurtful Parents can reframe the behavior from a negative to an alternative interpretation17:10 Rewards -  how to make them work and why they stop working Change them oftenIntermittent reinforcement works very well to establish a behaviorDon’t work harder than your childKeep the small and specific24:08 Problem Solving Skill from DBT  - focus on the brainstorming step 26:14 Raising your child to understand who he is, the impact of how he shows up in the world, and the areas that he might need to work on. 26:30 Strategies to help someone with ADHD:  balance boards and movementFidget toysDrawing and doodling28:20 Dialectic dilemma: The tension between when do you need to accept the moment as it is and when do you need to change it day 29:15 Dialectic Dilemma: Is this the parent’s problem or is this the child’s problem. Whose problem is it? 29:55 Two acceptance strategies:  compassion and taking a breath Leslie-ism: Take a moment to celebrate the effort you're putting in and the small successes along the way. Resources:   A book about Behavior management strategies: Don’t Shoot the Dog by Karen Pryon For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

    40 min
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Is My Child A Monster? A brand new parenting therapy podcast.  You get to be a fly on the wall in Leslie Cohen-Rubury’s office and listen in as she sits with parents who share their stories in therapy sessions recorded live. 

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