Confessions of a Parent Coach

Ann Kaplan, Parent Coach
  • 5.0 (1)
  • Parenting

Welcome to Confessions of a Parent Coach, the podcast where you'll learn that even parenting experts like me, Ann Kaplan, mother of four, and your host won't have all the answers. I believe that once you realize there's no such thing as a perfect parent, you can achieve fabulous behavior and amazing relationships with your kids.

  1. 5d ago

    Today's Breakthrough Is Tomorrow's Prison

    Ever have a huge breakthrough and think, Finally. I fixed it. Then six months later, you're talking about the same relationship, parenting struggle, or deeply annoying family dynamic all over again? That doesn't mean the work isn't working. In this episode, Ann explores why personal growth is less like a straight line and more like a spiral. We return to familiar struggles, but we return with more awareness, compassion, and capacity than we had before. You're not back at square one—you're meeting the same material from a new level. Ann also unpacks how the ego can take a liberating insight and quietly turn it into another rigid rule. The breakthrough that once created freedom can eventually become the very thing keeping us stuck. In This Episode: Why revisiting an old struggle doesn't erase your progress The Enneagram of Process and the idea of growth through "octaves" How breakthroughs become new identities, expectations, and rules Why healing doesn't mean never getting triggered again How to recognize when yesterday's wisdom no longer fits today The goal isn't to finally become perfectly healed, evolved, or zen. It's to notice how differently you meet the same messy, human stuff. Reflection: What breakthrough once freed you—but may now be limiting you? Work With Ann There is one spot remaining for Ann's October 8–12 retreat in Traverse City. Reach out to learn more about the retreat or Ann's private coaching. www.annkaplanparentcoach.com/fallretreat

  2. Jul 29

    The Only Way Out Is Through: Why We Rush Past the Parts That Hurt

    Sometimes "I'm over it" doesn't actually mean you're done. Sometimes it means a part of you knows something painful is coming—and it would very much like to skip ahead to the chapter where everything feels fine again. In this deeply personal episode, Ann shares what she uncovered after admitting she was running out of steam for the hands-on years of parenting. With three children nearing or already in adulthood and one 12-year-old still at home, she found herself mentally fast-forwarding to empty-nest life: fewer dinners to make, more freedom, and charcuterie every night forever. But underneath the excitement was something more tender. Ann wasn't only looking forward to what was next. She was trying to protect herself from the grief of what was ending. Through her own coaching experience and the story of a client navigating a painful co-parenting situation, Ann explores why our attempts to avoid difficult emotions often pull us away from the people and moments that matter most. The goal isn't to make hard things stop hurting immediately. The path toward relief begins by allowing them to hurt—and discovering that we can remain present anyway. Key Takeaways 👉 You may not be rushing because the next chapter is better. You may be rushing because this chapter ending hurts. 👉 Our protective parts often believe happiness comes from eliminating pain. Unfortunately, all that avoiding can also eliminate presence. 👉 Planning, controlling, perfecting, pleasing, and impressing can all become strategies for staying one step ahead of uncomfortable emotions. 👉 You don't have to enjoy a painful experience to be present with it. 👉 Sometimes you're already handling the situation exactly the way you want to. What you actually wish is that doing the right thing didn't hurt. 👉 The way to reach the place where something no longer hurts quite so much is to let it hurt first. 👉 No amount of preparation or future-tripping can prevent grief—but it can cause you to miss what is still right in front of you. Ready to Stop Skipping Over Yourself? The Fall Retreat is an opportunity to step out of the constant doing, protecting, and managing—and finally make room for the parts of you that have been working so hard to hold everything together. Surrounded by the fall colors of Traverse City, you'll have the space and support to slow down, notice the patterns running beneath the surface, and deepen the kind of work that is difficult to access while regular life keeps demanding your attention. You don't need to arrive completely healed, perfectly clear, or ready to slap a positive spin on the hard stuff. You only need to be willing to meet yourself honestly. 🌿 Learn more about the Fall Retreat: https://www.annkaplanparentcoach.com/fallretreat Share This Episode Know someone who keeps saying, "I just need to get through this part"? Share this episode with them. They may not need another strategy for getting past it. They may need the reminder that they can move through it without abandoning themselves—or the people they love—along the way. Don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode.

  3. Jul 22

    When the Container Doesn't Fit Your Kid

    Sometimes, the problem isn't that your child refuses to cooperate. Sometimes, the expectations, boundaries, or consequences you've created simply don't fit the human being standing in front of you. And when the container doesn't fit, everybody starts to feel like they're failing. In this episode, Ann Kaplan explores what happens when parents rely on generic rules instead of attuning to the actual child they have. Through honest stories from her own parenting and coaching practice, she shows how expectations can become too big, too small, or completely disconnected from a child's current capacity. This isn't about abandoning boundaries or letting your child do whatever they want. It's about creating boundaries that offer enough structure to support your child—without trapping them inside expectations they cannot realistically meet. What You'll Learn What Ann means by an "ill-fitting container" Why increasingly severe consequences can make a struggling child feel even more hopeless How parental fear and dysregulation affect the boundaries we create Why children need expectations that match their developmental capacity How to recognize when your child has outgrown a rule The difference between authoritative and authoritarian parenting Why parenting your children fairly does not always mean parenting them identically How attunement helps you create boundaries that support both connection and accountability Why following your own values may occasionally make other people look at you sideways Key Takeaways 👉 When a child is struggling, making the consequences bigger does not necessarily make success more likely. Sometimes it simply raises the bar beyond what they can currently reach. 👉 An effective boundary must account for your child's age, executive functioning, emotional state, development, and individual capacity. 👉 A container can be too large, leaving a child without enough support—or too small, restricting a young adult who is ready for more autonomy. 👉 When the rules do not fit, children may experience unnecessary shame while parents feel disappointed, anxious, and increasingly controlling. 👉 Authoritative parenting combines strong leadership with genuine attunement. Without attunement, boundaries can quickly become authoritarian. 👉 Different children may need different rules, privileges, and levels of support. That isn't unfair. It's responsive parenting. 👉 The goal is not to parent a generic teenager or follow someone else's definition of "normal." The goal is to respond to the specific child in front of you. Join Ann at the Fall Retreat The Fall Retreat is a deeply supportive, all-inclusive space for women who are ready to explore connection, boundaries, communication, relationship dynamics, compassion, and peace in a more personal way. Together, you'll step outside the noise of everyday life and examine the containers you've inherited, the ones you've outgrown, and the ones you're ready to create intentionally. The retreat is designed to meet you where you are—not where you think you're supposed to be. https://www.annkaplanparentcoach.com/fallretreat

  4. Jul 15

    Do the Curriculum: Your Humanity Is Not a Parenting Failure

    What if the part of you you're trying so hard to rise above is actually the part you're here to understand? In this episode, Ann explores a teaching from Ram Dass that landed uncomfortably close to home: your humanity is the curriculum. She shares an honest parenting confession about reaching her limit with an older child's persistent negativity—and the rule inside her that says a good parent should remain endlessly patient, compassionate, connected, and completely unbothered. You know. A serene earth-mother goddess who apparently has no nervous system. But trying to become more evolved by rejecting your irritation, impatience, personality, or very human limits isn't true acceptance. It's another form of perfectionism. This episode is an invitation to stop treating your difficult reactions as proof that you're doing personal growth wrong. Instead, you can become curious about what those reactions are showing you, care for the parts of you that are struggling, and respond honestly without making your feelings your child's responsibility. What You'll Learn How personal growth teachings can quietly become another set of rules Why "be here now" can turn into one more standard you feel like you're failing The difference between accepting a feeling and acting it out Why irritation, impatience, and emotional limits do not make you a bad parent How the desire to be a "divine" parent can become a rejection of your humanity Why your personality is a tool—not a flaw you need to eliminate How working with your human reactions creates more growth than pretending they aren't there Key Takeaways 👉 Your humanity is not interrupting the work. It is the work. 👉 A beautiful insight can become harmful when your inner critic turns it into another rigid rule. 👉 Acceptance does not mean liking every feeling you have. It means allowing the feeling to exist without shaming yourself for it. 👉 You can love your child deeply and still reach a point where you need a break from the conversation. 👉 Being honest about your limits is different from blaming your child for having needs or feelings. 👉 You do not need to destroy your personality to become more conscious. You need to stop confusing your personality with the whole of who you are. 👉 Growth happens when you work with what is true—not when you demand that you already be somewhere else. A Question to Sit With Where are you trying to become "better" by rejecting what is true about you right now? What might change if, instead of trying to eliminate that part of yourself, you treated it as part of the curriculum? Join Ann at the Fall Retreat A couple of spots are left for the Fall Retreat at the lake. This is your chance to step away from the noise, understand the patterns keeping you stuck, and do the deeper work of becoming more grounded, clear, and connected—to yourself and the people you love. Learn more and claim your spot here: https://www.annkaplanparentcoach.com/fallretreat Share This Episode Know a parent who is exhausted from trying to be endlessly calm, patient, and emotionally perfect? Send them this episode. They may need the reminder that becoming a better parent does not require becoming less human. And don't forget to follow Confessions of a Parent Coach so you don't miss the next episode.

  5. Jul 8

    Beginner's Mind: Why Parenting Isn't a Final Exam

    What if the thing making parenting feel so high-stakes isn't the actual moment… but the pressure to prove you already know what you're doing? In this episode of Confessions of a Parent Coach, Ann explores the idea of "beginner's mind"—the practice of bringing openness, curiosity, and non-attachment to moments we've done a thousand times before. Because here's the sneaky thing: when we decide a moment is the moment, the big one, the one we absolutely cannot mess up, we usually become less present, less creative, and way more likely to spiral. Ann shares a confession from an old running race where she performed better in practice than she did on race day, a business coaching story about a client afraid to cross the line from "practice" into "real life," and a tender parenting example about how much pressure we put on ourselves to get the important conversations right. This episode is a gentle reminder that your relationship with your child is not a final performance. It's more like a lab, a rehearsal, a Lego structure you keep building, knocking over, repairing, and rebuilding together. And honestly? That's a relief. What You'll Learn What "beginner's mind" actually means, and why it matters in parenting Why high-stakes thinking makes it harder to stay present How "practice mode" can create more freedom, creativity, and connection Why the pressure to get it right can pull you out of the moment How perfectionism shows up in parenting, business, relationships, and personal growth Why your relationship with your child is something you co-create, not something you perform perfectly How letting go of success-or-failure thinking opens up more possibility Key Takeaways 👉 Beginner's mind creates possibility. As Ann shares from Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind: "In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert's mind there are few." 👉 Practice mode is powerful. When you're practicing, experimenting, and allowing things to be imperfect, you often become more creative, more relaxed, and more effective. 👉 High stakes can hijack presence. When you tell yourself, "This is it. Don't mess it up," you're usually not attuning to the moment. You're managing fear. 👉 Parenting is not a final exam. You will have many opportunities to talk to your kids, repair, reconnect, and try again. One imperfect moment does not define the whole relationship. 👉 Your relationship is the laboratory. You and your child are building something together. Sometimes it collapses. Then you pick up the pieces and build differently. Ready for a deeper reset? Ann's Fall Retreat is for women who are ready to step out of the noise, reconnect with themselves, and do the kind of growth work that actually changes how they show up in parenting, relationships, and life. It's a space for honesty, clarity, nervous-system exhaling, and remembering who you are underneath all the roles you carry. Learn more about the Fall Retreat here: https://www.annkaplanparentcoach.com/fallretreat Share This Episode Know a parent who is trying so hard to get every moment right that they're exhausted before the conversation even starts? Send them this episode. It might help them exhale a little and remember: we're all practicing.

  6. Jul 1

    Meet Bob: Why "Eyes on the Prize" Can Make You Miss the Real Treasure

    Sometimes we come to coaching because we want an answer. Should I stay or go? Should I say the thing or let it go? Should I push harder, back off, make the decision, fix the problem, get from Point A to Point B already? Totally fair. We are busy people with busy lives and nervous systems that would really appreciate a clear next step, thank you very much. But sometimes, when we get too focused on the prize, we blow right past the actual treasure. In this episode, Ann shares the story of "Bob," a client who came into coaching trying to decide whether to stay in or leave a long-term relationship. On the surface, it looked like a relationship question. But as the work unfolded, one tiny trailhead changed everything: Bob realized he experienced emotions as something that came from the outside. Which meant the real work wasn't just about the relationship. It was about agency. Identity. Personality. Nature. Nurture. And whether there was something deeply, essentially "Bob" underneath all the coping and conditioning. This episode is a beautiful look at why deep work cannot always be rushed — and why the slow, meandering path often gets us somewhere much more honest than the quick fix ever could. What You'll Learn Why being "eyes on the prize" is not always the best approach to personal growth How deep coaching follows trailheads instead of forcing quick answers Why a relationship question may actually be pointing to something much deeper How IFS and parts work can reveal hidden beliefs about emotions and identity Why your personality is not the whole of who you are How slowing down can still help you reach your goal — just with a much better map Key Takeaways 👉 The obvious goal is not always the real work. 👉 Quick clarity can be useful, but deep clarity changes the whole system. 👉 The "weird little thing" you almost ignore may be the doorway into the real transformation. 👉 Your personality is something you developed to navigate life. It is not the totality of you. 👉 You are not only a product of what has happened to you. 👉 Deep work is not wandering aimlessly. It is following the more honest map. Retreat Invitation If this episode had you thinking, Oh no… I might be trying to force an answer when there's actually something deeper asking for my attention, that's exactly the kind of work we make space for on retreat. The retreat is five days of slowing down enough to notice the trailheads you usually blow right past — the patterns, parts, stories, and old survival strategies quietly shaping your parenting, relationships, work, and sense of self. It's not a quick fix. Thank goodness. It's deep, spacious, honest work in a setting designed to help you hear yourself again — without having to perform, produce, or have it all figured out before you arrive. If you're craving that kind of space, I'd love for you to join us. https://www.annkaplanparentcoach.com/fallretreat Share This Episode Know someone who is trying to force a decision, fix the thing, or "figure it out already" — but keeps feeling like they're missing something? Send them this episode. It might help them stop blowing past the real treasure.

  7. Jun 24

    The Anatomy of Peace for Parents: How to Stop Seeing Your Child as the Problem

    Sometimes the conflict in your house is not really about the backpack on the floor. Rude. Annoying. Deeply inconvenient. Yes. But not really the whole thing. In this episode of Confessions of a Parent Coach, Ann Kaplan explores one of the core ideas from The Anatomy of Peace: what if the conflict in your life is less about the other person's behavior and more about how you're seeing them? This one is especially for parents who are tired of repeating themselves, irritated by the same daily battles, and secretly wondering why all the "right" communication tools still are not creating the connection they want. Ann talks about the difference between seeing someone as a full human being versus seeing them as an obstacle, a problem, or a thing to manage. And yes, this applies to your kid. And your partner. And that one person who somehow loads the dishwasher like they were raised by raccoons. She also shares how this connects to the Enneagram, her own current growth work, and the theme of this year's October retreat: connection. In this episode, you'll learn: Why conflict often begins with the way we see the other person What it means to have a "heart at war" versus a "heart at peace" How parents accidentally start seeing their children as obstacles Why trying to force change usually creates more resistance How the pyramid of influence changes the way we think about parenting, boundaries, and communication Why real connection starts with your way of being, not your perfect script How the Enneagram helps reveal the "box" you keep getting stuck in Why the October retreat is designed as a spacious place to do this deeper relationship work Key takeaways: 👉 If you are seeing your child as the obstacle to your peace, connection becomes almost impossible. 👉 A heart at peace does not mean letting everyone do whatever they want. It means seeing the other person clearly before you try to correct, teach, or set a boundary. 👉 Most parents spend way too much time at the top of the pyramid — direction and correction — and not nearly enough time in the foundation: their own way of being. 👉 The work is not "How do I make this person change?" It is "How do I show up in a way that makes growth more possible for both of us?" 👉 The box you are in may be familiar. Very familiar. Like Russian nesting doll familiar. But that does not mean you are stuck forever. This is exactly the kind of work we'll be doing at the October retreat. Not in a "let's fix everyone in your life by Thursday" kind of way. Tempting, but no. The retreat is a spacious place to look at the patterns you keep getting pulled into — the old boxes, the familiar reactions, the ways you lose connection with yourself and the people you love — and begin practicing a different way of being. This year's theme is connection, and we'll be using the Enneagram, Internal Family Systems, coaching, reflection, and actual breathing room to explore what it looks like to move through your relationships with more clarity, honesty, and heart. If this episode stirred something in you — especially if you're tired of managing everyone, bracing for conflict, or secretly wondering why connection feels so much harder than it "should" — the retreat may be the next right step. Come join us this October. https://www.annkaplanparentcoach.com/fallretreat

  8. Jun 17

    You're Important… But You're Not That Important

    What if the thing you're calling "responsibility" is actually a story keeping you exhausted? In this episode of Confessions of a Parent Coach, Ann Kaplan talks about the mental load of motherhood, the sneaky trap of believing everything will fall apart without us, and why stepping away can be one of the most loving things we do — not just for ourselves, but for our partners and kids, too. Ann shares a confession from early motherhood, when she almost skipped a close friend's bachelorette trip because she believed no one else could possibly manage the baby, the routine, the meals, the diapers, the bedtime, and the ten thousand tiny things that make up a day. And honestly? It felt true. Not dramatic. Not optional. True. But when she finally went, the house didn't burn down. The baby survived. Her husband, Mike, got to parent without her hovering, correcting, or redirecting. And something shifted. He got to rise. She got to rest. Their relationship got stronger. And Ann got the slightly rude, very freeing realization that she was important… but not quite as load-bearing as she thought. This episode is for the parent who says, "I can't take a break," "I can't leave," "No one else will do it," or "It all lands on me." Ann gently pulls apart that story and shows how over-functioning can rob our kids, partners, and support systems of the chance to grow, contribute, and prove they're capable. In This Episode Ann explores: Why the mental load can feel like relief at first — until it quietly becomes a burden How "I can't" often sounds responsible but may actually be a limiting story Why letting your partner parent differently is not the same as letting them parent badly How taking space gives kids the chance to build independence, resilience, and resourcefulness Why over-responsibility can become a sneaky form of control How the Enneagram can help reveal the patterns and compulsions behind our "good parent" identity Why going on the retreat may be the growth work before the growth work Ann's Confession When Ann's oldest child was under two, she was invited to a close friend's bachelorette weekend. Her immediate response was: "I can't go." Not because she didn't want to. Not because no one was available. But because she believed she was the linchpin — the person holding the whole parenting operation together. A friend challenged that belief, Ann went on the trip, and she came home to a very inconvenient truth: everyone was fine. More than fine, actually. Mike had stepped more fully into fatherhood, her baby was okay, and Ann had proof that she could leave without everything collapsing. Key Takeaways You can be deeply important without being indispensable. Your family loves you. Your presence matters. And also, the world will keep turning when you take a break. Both things can be true. Over-functioning doesn't just deplete you — it can limit everyone else. When you do everything, manage everything, and correct everything, the people around you don't get as many chances to rise. Taking space can be a gift to your kids. When you step away in developmentally appropriate ways, your kids learn that other people can care for them, that you come back, and that they have more capability than they may have needed to access before. The story "I can't" deserves a closer look. Sometimes "I can't" means "I'm scared," "I don't trust anyone else," "I don't know who I am if I'm not needed," or "This doesn't feel like something a good parent would do." The Enneagram can help you see the pattern underneath the behavior. Ann connects this episode to her own Enneagram One patterns around duty, responsibility, goodness, and rightness — and how those patterns once made leaving feel almost morally wrong. Questions, Answered What is the mental load of motherhood? The mental load of motherhood is the constant invisible work of remembering, planning, organizing, anticipating, and managing what a family needs. In this episode, Ann describes how knowing the routines, meals, bedtime, behavior responses, and daily logistics initially felt like relief — but eventually became a burden she didn't realize she was carrying. Why do moms feel like everything depends on them? Many moms feel this way because they have become the default parent, the routine keeper, and the emotional manager of the household. Over time, this can create the belief that no one else can do things "right," even when other capable adults are available. Is taking a break from parenting selfish? No. Taking a break can be healthy and necessary. Ann explains that when parents step away appropriately, they give themselves rest and give their partners, children, and support systems a chance to build confidence and capability. How does over-responsibility affect parenting partners? Over-responsibility can unintentionally infantilize a parenting partner. When one parent always leads, corrects, or controls the process, the other parent may not get the opportunity to build their own parenting confidence and relationship with the child. How can the Enneagram help with parenting patterns? The Enneagram helps parents notice the deeper motivations behind their behavior. For Ann, recognizing her Enneagram One patterns helped her see how responsibility, duty, and wanting to be "good" had shaped the story that she couldn't step away. If this episode poked something tender in you — the part that says, "I can't leave," "I can't take a break," "I can't spend the money," or "No one else can handle it" — that may not be a stop sign. It may be the doorway. The retreat may be where you finally get to prove to yourself that you are allowed to be cared for, held, supported, and not completely in charge of every blessed thing for a few days. Reach out to Ann at annkaplancoaching.com or reply to the podcast email to talk through whether the retreat is right for you. Save your spot here https://www.annkaplanparentcoach.com/fallretreat

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Welcome to Confessions of a Parent Coach, the podcast where you'll learn that even parenting experts like me, Ann Kaplan, mother of four, and your host won't have all the answers. I believe that once you realize there's no such thing as a perfect parent, you can achieve fabulous behavior and amazing relationships with your kids.

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