Joseph - 00:00 Okay, one day we're gonna conquer the world, the next day is like, don't bother me, I'm not getting out of bed. So it's just like learning how to do all this manic swing of energy, not energy, not energy. Avery - 00:13 Hi, I'm Avery Thatcher, a former ICU nurse, and this is not your standard stress management podcast where we just focus on those band-aid solutions like the benefits of meditation, mindfulness, and self-care. You already know that you need some kind of recovery strategy to deal with your stressful life. But what you may not know are all of the sneaky ways that society, our upbringing and our high achieving nature and so many other factors contribute to our risk of burnout. That, my friend, is what we talk about here on this podcast because you can't do something about a situation that you're not aware of, right? So if you're ready to get out of the pattern of burning out, feeling better, only to burn out again, it's time for us to shut the light on the truth about burnout. Okay I am so excited today because this is my first ever double guest episode and I feel when I first met Joseph, I just connected with him right away and felt like we had so much to share and talk about and then when he shared about his partner I was just like okay I think I need to talk to both of you because I feel like Melissa and I have a lot in common which is both nice because then you have someone you can talk to but also sad because he knows what somebody else is going through So welcome Joseph and Melissa. Melissa - 01:32 It's so nice to be here. Joseph - 01:33 Yeah it's really a pleasure and Avery you're doing a great work you know just in the community of professionals I think the more we can talk about the subject and how we can support it's just our own careers and ambitions but also kind of a holistic life approach is really good. Avery - 01:48 Absolutely and I'm sure we're going to talk a little bit about this Melissa but I feel like there are some skills that I was forced to learn That would have been so much more helpful earlier on, the like energy pacing and some of the other components. You're just like, well, why didn't I learn that sooner? Melissa - 02:07 Yeah, it's been it's been a long road, lots of learning, that's for sure. Avery - 02:13 Yeah, absolutely. So tell me a little bit about that road for you. What does your journey look like? Melissa - 02:18 So I was diagnosed with my first autoimmune disorder disease. I've heard it a lot of different ways. When I was seven and so I was in elementary school and this is like a month of school and it wasn't at the time it didn't feel like a huge deal because it was just psoriasis and so nobody really got it besides like oh you've got dry skin or like that's kind of what they assumed and it took me years as a child to realize How it was affecting me outside of like what you could see that I was more tired than the other kids or that I got sick a lot more. Little things like that. So then my second autoimmune disease showed up in high school and I was 15 and that's when I got rheumatoid arthritis and that one felt a lot harder. Because I was a competitive pianist. Melissa - 03:33 So that was the first time that it severely affected my life because everything hurt. I couldn't play sports, I wasn't active. And I did cut back on piano. I ended up, it ended up being the reason that I didn't major in piano in college or like these different life choices that I had to spin around that. And that was pretty much it until COVID hit. And as you know, stress just makes another one pop up. And it was lockdown. Melissa - 04:14 We had become foster parents right before lockdown. And so we had a little baby and then we started homeschooling because our older five weren't doing really well with the online school like at all because we have some other kids with learning disabilities from adoption. And that's when the Graves' disease popped up. And that one affected, affected everything, but I'd say that my energy was the biggest one. Energy and brain fog, those are the two things I remember. Like, all of a sudden, I couldn't remember what I was doing. Like, I would be halfway through a sentence and just lose it and that was the first time for me. Melissa - 05:01 Like, the brain fog hadn't showed up before and it showed up with the Graves' disease and that was really bad. Plus, you know, everything comes with Graves' disease. I had the hyper... when your weight is too... Hyperthyroidism? Yes, but I... metabolism, thank you. Look at this, we're playing trades over here. Avery - 05:26 That's it, brain fog in action. I recognize, oh good. Melissa - 05:31 Yeah, so the hypermetabolism made my anxiety super bad. Avery - 05:38 Oh, of course. Melissa - 05:40 And I didn't realize that would do that. Like, it was like I was being attacked by a lion all the time. So since then, I've made some major life changes and got a medication. Like, I'm a true believer of both. And so, Diarrhea is in a good place. Obviously, it doesn't, like, go away, but it's in remission right now. So, at this point, I'm trying to just not make anything happen. Melissa - 06:09 Does that make sense? Avery - 06:11 Absolutely. Melissa - 06:11 It's like constant fear of like, okay, if I get too stressed, I already have three. Like the chances that another autoimmune issue pops up for me are very high if I get too stressed for an extended period of time. Like it does take a while, but I'm trying. Like we do have a lot of kids and we do whatever happens. So there's a lot of energy pacing. I still suffer with chronic fatigue, obviously the brain fog as we've already seen. And that's kind of where we're at. Joseph - 06:44 I think there were a few things she left out there, so I'll toot her horn for her. She is a mother of nine, so she has three biological children and then now I guess it's six adopted. We did have four foster children. So it's talking about a high achieving woman. When she was in college and she stopped her job at the math department, you have to hire three people to replace her. So what she can accomplish in five minutes will probably take me about an hour. She's a hyper-efficient, hyper-focused, can get a lot of stuff done, amazing planner, hence why we're even able to have this large family. Joseph - 07:26 Because I'm often in la-la land, you know, creative soul over here. And she's thinking about what has to get done and then we can get stuff done because she does that. She was top of her class in high school, you know, she had a full ride scholarship to the university that we had. So all around like she gets stuff done, she's ambitious. Conditioning, just get stuff done, meets up with these kind of consecutive walls of chronic disease and then burnout has been kind of the cycle we've gone through several times. We've learned how to like Okay. One day we're going to conquer the world. Joseph - 08:12 The next day is like, don't bother me. I'm not getting out of bed. So it's just like learning how to deal with this like manic swing of energy, not energy, not energy. Plus we have kids and oh, guess what? We're both sick. You know, like that's, that's been some of the serious, um, difficulties we've had to face along with, you know, just job career changes and things of that nature. Multiple speakers - 08:36 So I think that'd be interesting to look at some of those I think my biggest challenge currently is not overdoing it when I do feel good. Avery - 08:48 I hear you. It's so tough to rein in the high achiever side of you and be like, hey, I need to like save up some of the energy for today so that I still have some tomorrow. Yeah, so tell me what that dynamic is kind of like. Like when, because obviously like Joseph shared and I loved hearing him talk just about you and how you could see how proud he is. Like he's definitely such a wonderful supportive partner you can see. So tell me a little bit about how that shift continues to go and like what was the hardest part for your high achieving side to accept once all of these chronic illnesses started piling on? Melissa - 09:32 Oh, there's two. A, because I'm very much a person that's like, I will do anything I want. I don't care what it is. I can learn how to do it, I will do it, and I will become proficient at it. I don't want to be great, but I will become proficient. Like, I will do that. And learning that there's actual things that I will never be able to do is frustrating. Melissa - 09:58 I don't like that. And then the things that are within my spectrum of achievability have started taking twice as long to get there. And I don't like that either. Avery - 10:12 Oh my goodness. Like I said before we hit record, like I feel so seen right now because everything you're sharing, Melissa, are things that I've talked to my partner about, I've journaled about, I've gotten a therapy over, and it's just like, it's this loss of who you saw yourself as and what you saw yourself as capable of. Melissa - 10:32 It's hard because I'm like good at not comparing myself to others. I've worked really hard on that, but I will compare myself to my old self. And I'm like, well, that was me, but obviously we're not the same person that we were, you know, 10 years ago when we were doing this, or even 5 years ago when we were able to do this. And, like, trying to simultaneously improve myself because I'm so goal-oriented, but, like, accept exactly where I am no matter what it looks like that day. That self-compassion has been really tough. Avery - 11:12 Of co