📖 Episode Summary This is The Energy to Heal, your resource for all things Splankna, the faith-based inner healing modality that will help you achieve emotional freedom. In this episode, Laura Milliken sits down with Dr. David Pendergrass, a pastor, biblical scholar, and experienced pastoral counselor, to explore something that can be incredibly confusing in relationships: what's really happening beneath the emotional defenses of men? Why do some men shut down when conversations become emotional? Why does vulnerability sometimes come out as anger, defensiveness, sarcasm, or dismissal? And why can it feel so difficult to get the men we love to talk about what's really going on inside? After decades of walking alongside individuals and couples, David has noticed something important: when men finally feel safe enough to talk honestly, the emotions beneath their defenses often look remarkably similar to those experienced by women. Fear. Shame. Inadequacy. Sadness. Anxiety. But many men have learned, through their upbringing, cultural expectations, or personal experiences, that expressing these emotions is unsafe or unacceptable. So instead of admitting fear, they get angry. Instead of acknowledging shame, they become defensive. Instead of revealing insecurity, they rationalize, dismiss, or make a joke. And often, the people closest to them are left feeling rejected, frustrated, or emotionally disconnected. Laura and David discuss how these patterns develop, why emotional vulnerability can feel threatening to men, and how understanding what's happening beneath the surface can change the way we approach difficult conversations. But they also make an important distinction: Understanding someone's emotional defenses doesn't mean excusing hurtful behavior. Compassion and healthy boundaries can—and should—exist together. This conversation is for men who want to better understand themselves, women who want to better understand the men they love, and anyone hoping to build relationships marked by greater emotional safety, honesty, and connection. In this episode: Why many men struggle to identify and express their emotions The fear, shame, anxiety, and inadequacy that may exist beneath emotional defenses Why anger can sometimes feel safer than vulnerability How men learn to protect themselves through dismissiveness, rationalization, humor, and emotional withdrawal The difference between emotional avoidance and emotional regulation Why a man may become defensive when his spouse brings up a concern How childhood experiences and cultural expectations can shape emotional expression Why emotional numbness can create distance in marriage and other relationships How understanding someone's defenses can help us respond with greater compassion Why creating emotional safety matters for honest communication The importance of accountability and healthy boundaries Why understanding the reason behind inappropriate behavior doesn't make that behavior acceptable How men can begin recognizing the emotions beneath their reactions What women can learn about approaching emotionally difficult conversations How greater emotional awareness can support stronger marriages, healthier relationships, and deeper connection One of David's most important observations is this: "It's safer to feel angry than it does to feel vulnerable." And perhaps one of the most important reminders from this conversation is that the behavior we see on the surface doesn't always tell us the whole story. Sometimes anger is covering fear. Sometimes dismissiveness is protecting shame. Sometimes emotional distance is a form of self-protection. Recognizing those possibilities doesn't remove personal responsibility, but it can help us approach one another with greater understanding. The goal isn't to excuse emotional defenses. It's to understand them well enough that we can begin responding differently. _______________________________ 🌿 Join Us for Our Women's Retreat! | January 21–22, 2027 Laura Milliken and Lisa Bruton of Arise Sanctuary are hosting a special two-day women's retreat in Nebraska! This isn't your typical women's retreat. It's an intimate, Jesus-centered experience designed to help women hear God's voice, experience emotional freedom, let go of what's been keeping them stuck, and connect more deeply with the Lord. Expect meaningful teaching, guided inner work, laughter, community, and intentional time in God's presence. Space is limited to just 40 women! ✨ Dates: January 21–22, 2027 ✨ Location: Sonlit Retreats, Nebraska ✨ Registration closes: December 30, 2026 Learn more and register at www.LauraMilliken.com under Upcoming Retreat. _______________________________________________________ 🎟️ Want To Become a Splankna Practitioner? Want To Become a Practitioner? You don't need a background in any certain field to be trained! 🎟️ Use promo code: PODCAST when you register for training to get a discount on your training cost at Splankna.com (This discount is only applicable for the CORE training.) 🌟 About the Host Laura Milliken is the host of The Energy to Heal and a Master's Certified Splankna Practitioner. She is a registered nurse, a mom of five, and a passionate advocate for emotional freedom, healthy relationships, and faith-based personal growth. Learn more about Laura, Splankna and all things podcast here: www.LauraMilliken.com You can also find Laura's featured practitioners there—trusted Master's Certified practitioners Laura personally knows and confidently recommends. 📧 TheEnergyToHeal@gmail.com 🤍 Support the Podcast on Patreon Up until this point, Laura has carried the majority of the costs of producing this podcast on her own — and that is no longer financially sustainable. If The Energy to Heal has encouraged you, helped you grow, or supported you in your journey, consider joining the community and helping support the continued production of the show. https://www.patreon.com/c/LauraMilliken Patreon members receive: Behind-the-scenes content and opportunities to meet on Zoom with Laura, the Host of the Podcast Opportunities to vote on future episode topics 🎙️ About the Guest — Dr. David Pendergrass Dr. David W. Pendergrass, Ph.D., is a pastor, biblical scholar, author, educator, pastoral counselor, and leadership consultant with nearly 30 years of experience in Christian ministry and leadership. David earned his Ph.D. in Historical Theology from Baylor University, along with a Master of Divinity in Pastoral Studies and a Bachelor of Arts in Religious Studies from Gardner-Webb University. Throughout his career, he has served as a senior pastor, college professor, counselor, and ministry leader, combining biblical scholarship with practical guidance for emotional, relational, and spiritual growth. With more than 20 years of experience providing pastoral counseling, David has worked with individuals and couples navigating marriage difficulties, communication challenges, emotional struggles, boundaries, and personal growth. His approach emphasizes honest conversations, emotional awareness, healthy relationships, and practical Christian discipleship. David is passionate about helping people understand themselves and others more deeply while learning to navigate difficult emotions and relationships with wisdom, compassion, and accountability. Learn more about David, his books, biblical teaching, and pastoral counseling at: https://www.davidpendergrass.com ▶️ The Energy to Heal is on YouTube! Please show your support for this mission by subscribing, rating the show, and commenting on whatever platform you hear it on! https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLIhcKzqnllgmJX7HH9Qyr9CnRMUTKU-oR ⚠️ Disclaimer The Splankna protocol is a unique, faith-based modality, and individual experiences will vary. While many people report breakthrough and emotional freedom, we cannot guarantee specific outcomes or timelines. Some individuals experience change quickly, while others notice gradual shifts over time. This modality is not a substitute for professional medical or psychiatric treatment. Always consult with your healthcare provider for any medical or mental health concerns. By engaging with this content, you acknowledge that results are personal and not assured.
