The Paradox of Change - There has to be an I before We!

Elliot, Fifi, Lottie
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Welcome to The Paradox of Change, where three experienced therapists guide you through the essential truth:I B4We - You have to have a relationship with yourself before you can have a relationship with others!We believe in understanding your needs, boundaries, and capacity for connection - because the most important relationship you'll ever have is the one with yourself.Meet Your Guides:Elliot Burgess - Individual therapist specializing in men's mental health and the foundational "I" work that transforms all relationshipsLottie Passell-Syms - Sex and intimacy specialist dedicated to couples therapy, helping partners navigate the "We" journey through deeper connection and authentic communication and better sex.Fi Sclif - Individual therapy and growth coaching focusing on mindset, money, and marketingWhat You'll Discover:•⁠  ⁠How self-discovery leads to relationship mastery•⁠  ⁠Lottie's proven couples therapy techniques for rebuilding intimacy and trust•⁠  ⁠Practical tools for infidelity recovery, trauma healing, and authentic communication•⁠  ⁠Insights into masculinity, femininity, and identity development•⁠  ⁠Strategies for navigating divorce, dating after trauma, and co-parenting•⁠  ⁠Real conversations about narcissistic abuse recovery and neurodiversity in relationshipsOur Philosophy:Inspired by Carl Rogers' wisdom: "When a client accepts themselves as they are, the curious paradox is that they then change." Whether you're working on yourself individually or as a couple, transformation starts within - heal your relationship with yourself, and watch every other relationship in your life flourish.Content You Can Expect:•⁠  ⁠Deep-dive conversations with mental health experts•⁠  ⁠Individual growth episodes ("The I Series") with Elliot, Fi & Lottie•⁠  ⁠Couples-focused content ("The We Series") with Lottie's expertise•⁠  ⁠"I B4We Deep Dives" - All three tackling complex topics together•⁠  ⁠Real stories of resilience and recovery•⁠  ⁠Practical tools you can use immediatelyWhether you're single and working on yourself, in a relationship needing guidance, or navigating life transitions, we're here as your collaborative guides, not distant experts, but fellow travelers who've walked these paths.New episodes every two weeks “|” 26+ episodes available now!Subscribe and join our community of people choosing accountability and growth! https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

  1. I do want SEX just not with YOU

    May 26

    I do want SEX just not with YOU

    On our Walk and Talk episode, we explore the reality of a sexless marriage (dead bedroom) and the silent pain of couples experiencing emotional and physical disconnection. Through raw, honest insights, we dissect how unspoken resentments, fear of rejection, and societal expectations can erode intimacy over time, and we offer practical strategies for rebuilding a genuine connection. Whether you are experiencing skin hunger, navigating a difficult season or looking to protect your relationship from drifting, this episode offers a compassionate, therapeutic perspective on restoring desire and safety. 📌 Main Topics Covered: The impact of emotional and physical rejection in long-term relationships How unspoken resentments and assumptions foster deep disconnection The role of self-awareness, therapy, and intentional communication in restoring intimacy Recognizing the subtle signs of emotional disengagement early Practical tools for couples, including yoga tantra and trauma work like EMDR Understanding love versus lust and maintaining desire over time Creating healthy boundaries and doing personal work to prevent relationship decay We believe intimacy after 40, intimacy after 50, intimacy after 60 - and the pain of no intimacy in marriage at any age - deserves an honest conversation. ⏳ Timestamps: 00:00 - The emotional toll of sexless relationships 00:26 - The significance of intimacy beyond sex 00:39 - Movie scene analysis: subtle cues of disengagement 01:41 - Recognizing rejection without words 02:53 - Deep pain of subtle rejection in relationships 03:29 - The exhaustion of unreciprocated love 03:32 - Why couples often avoid discussing their unmet needs 04:02 - The cycle of silence and emotional shutdown 05:10 - The realization of infidelity or emotional neglect 05:39 - Internal dialogues about cheating and unmet desires 06:04 - The contrasting needs: men needing sex for intimacy, women needing intimacy for feeling sexy 06:48 - How oxytocin fosters kindness and care 07:14 - The toll of overworking and feeling undervalued 08:00 - Resentment stemming from unspoken sacrifices and unmet expectations 09:20 - The importance of relationship conversations from the start 10:00 - Consequences of complacency and setup assumptions 11:16 - Recognizing emotional distance and potential solutions 12:13 - The necessity of expressing resentments before they fester 13:17 - Maintaining significance and loyalty in partnerships 14:07 - The impact of rejection and loneliness on men 15:17 - The distressing idea of infidelity and unmet sexual needs 16:04 - The difference between desire, love, and commitment 17:11 - How to respond to rejection with empathy and patience 18:04 - Navigating moments of sexual rejection thoughtfully 19:02 - Men’s pursuit and the desire for connection 20:32 - The importance of ongoing dialogue about desire and boundaries 21:12 - How the power struggle phase can erode love 22:41 - Moving beyond lust to genuine partnership 23:54 - Addressing physical and emotional barriers to intimacy 24:59 - Recognizing patterns across multiple relationships 26:13 - The significance of love in long-term commitment 27:09 - The dangers of the sexless marriage and unmet expectations 28:16 - The toll of loneliness and the importance of emotional safety 29:15 - The danger of manipulation and fear in vulnerability 30:21 - Deep Dive: Healing childhood wounds to improve intimacy 31:27 - Recognizing triggers rooted in past trauma 32:21 - Practical approaches: EMDR, hypnotherapy, and self-work 33:36 - The role of gradual intimacy-building practices 34:48 - The necessity of individual effort for lasting connection 35:25 - Responsibility and accountability in relationships 36:25 - Living intentionally and valuing time in life and love 36:54 - Closing thoughts and encouragement for brave conversations 📚 Resources & Links Mentioned: Daring Greatly by Brené Brown EMDR Therapy Info Yoga Tantra Guide The Dash by Linda Ellis The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle 🌐 Connect With Us: Book Therapy with Elliot, Lottie or Fi & Access Resources: https://theparadoxofchange.com Listen to the Podcast: https://theparadoxofchange.buzzsprout.com Follow on Instagram: @theparadoxofchange Explore All Links: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange 💬 Community Question: If you've experienced a "sexless season" or are working through trust issues, how did you start the conversation with your partner? Let us know in the comments below! ⬇️ #sexlessmarriage #relationshipadvice #affairrecovery #intimacy #marriageadvice #therapist #communication #theparadoxofchange #deadbedroom #skinhuger How to find us: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

    37 min
  2. Is withholding Sex an infidelity - Hits different when you are a therapist | Deep Dive POC 42

    May 11

    Is withholding Sex an infidelity - Hits different when you are a therapist | Deep Dive POC 42

    When Is Withholding Sex Considered Infidelity? A Deep Dive into Trust, Betrayal, and Boundaries Previous episode:    • Is withholding Sex an infidelity - Hits di...  We explore the complex nature of infidelity and betrayal in relationships, focusing on whether withholding sex for non-medical reasons qualifies as infidelity. With insights from therapy and real-world examples, we uncover how boundaries, micro-infidelities, and emotional shifts play a crucial role in understanding trust within long-term partnerships. In This Episode: Clarifies the difference between "infidelity" and "betrayal" Examines whether withholding sex constitutes a breach of trust Discusses boundaries and their importance Explores the impact of betrayal on relationships Presents practical tools for addressing misunderstandings Dedicated Knowledge Article: https://theparadoxofchange.com/Articl... Timestamps: 00:00 - Introduction 01:04 - Defining Infidelity and Betrayal 05:38 - Online Behaviours and Trust 10:08 - Practical Approaches to Prevent Betrayal 15:00 - Recognising Micro-Infidelities 20:20 - Setting and Respecting Boundaries 25:03 - Social Media's Role 30:12 - Repairing Trust and Recovery 35:00 - Final Reflections Resources & Links: Boundaries Flip Chart - Practical tool to identify and set healthy boundaries Imago Dialogue - Technique for safe, empathetic communication The Paradox of Change Website - Resources for couples and individuals seeking relationship growth Connect with the Hosts: Lottie - LinkedIn | Twitter Elliot Burgess - Website | LinkedIn Connect With Us Book Therapy & Access Resources: 🌐 https://theparadoxofchange.com How to find us: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

    51 min
  3. I Want YOU to Want to, hits different when you're a Therapist - Deep Dive (SEXLESS MARRIAGE)

    Apr 12

    I Want YOU to Want to, hits different when you're a Therapist - Deep Dive (SEXLESS MARRIAGE)

    Is your partner there, but not really there? That's the silence at the heart of a sexless marriage. In this Deep Dive, Lottie and Elliot unpack why one partner withdraws physically, and why the other's attempts to reconnect keep missing the mark. Using the iconic "I want you to want to do the dishes" scene from The Break-Up, they reveal the hidden language of bids for connection and what happens when those bids go unanswered. 📖 FREE RESOURCES: https://theparadoxofchange.com 📖 Go Deeper — Free Articles from our Therapists: 🔗 Understanding Bids for Connection (the core concept of this episode) 👉 https://theparadoxofchange.com/Articl... 🔗 Attachment Styles — why your past is showing up in your relationship 👉 https://theparadoxofchange.com/Articl... 🔗 Family of Origin Work — how your childhood shapes how you love 👉 https://theparadoxofchange.com/Articl... 🔗 Love Languages — finding how your partner actually receives love 👉 https://theparadoxofchange.com/Articl... BOOK THERAPY WITH US, Access our Resources and MORE go to OUR NEW WEBSITE : https://theparadoxofchange.com How to find us: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

    48 min
  4. The Sexless Marriage Talk Hits Different When You're A Therapist Deep Dive

    Mar 25

    The Sexless Marriage Talk Hits Different When You're A Therapist Deep Dive

    What actually happens when sex disappears from a relationship, and why is it so hard to talk about? In this deep dive, therapist Lottie and Elliot go beyond the surface and into the real psychological dynamics behind sexless marriages: unresolved conflict, contempt, shame, and the moment a couple quietly becomes roommates. This is the conversation most couples never have, until it's almost too late. 💬 Have you experienced this in your relationship? Drop your thoughts in the comments — we read every one. Opening: The reality of the sexless marriage epidemic Physical touch & affection starvation The clip: shame, criticism & "she's softer and kinder" Why Sex Comes Off The Table: Unresolved conflict, resentment & emotional disconnection The Postage Stamp effect — grievances collecting over years Sex as a Need vs. Choice: The Male Experience: Contempt & The Four Horsemen: Gottman's framework: The Path Back: Rebuilding intimacy before sex Family of Origin & Love Languages: How childhood patterns resurface when limerence ends The Real Damage: The Vicious Circle Criticism kills desire 📌 TIMESTAMPS 00:00 - The Reality of Sexless Relationships 00:39 - The Clip: Why He Really Left (And The Shame Behind It) 01:10 - Why Does Sex Come Off The Table? 02:02 - The Postage Stamp Effect: How Unresolved Grievances Kill Desire 04:49 - The Three Pillars: Friendship, Intimacy & Sex 05:08 - From Lovers to Roommates — Or Worse 06:19 - Is Sex Actually a Basic Human Need? 07:15 - The Unilateral Decision: When One Partner Shuts It Down 08:49 - The Male Experience: Rejection, ED & Giving Up 10:57 - Gottman's Four Horsemen & The Role of Contempt 12:11 - Why Sex Is The Glue of a Partnership 12:59 - How We Address Contempt in the Therapy Room 14:16 - Consent, The "Why" & Reclaiming Lost Desire 15:15 - The Path Back: Intimacy Before Sex 16:47 - Family of Origin & How It Shapes Your Sex Life 17:14 - When Love Languages Collide: The Hidden Mismatch 19:27 - The Real Damage: What Denied Intimacy Does to Men & Women 21:24 - The Impact on Women: Rejection, Self-Worth & Begging For Love 22:28 - Revisiting The Clip: Shame, Criticism & Mutual Withdrawal 23:47 - The Vicious Circle: How Lack of Desire Feeds Itself 💬 Are you or your partner struggling with intimacy or a sexless relationship? Drop your thoughts in the comments — we read every one. 🔔 Subscribe for our Walk & Talk episodes with real therapist perspectives on love, cheating, intimacy, and everything in between. Follow us on:  🎙️ The Paradox of Change Podcast: https://theparadoxofchange.buzzsprout...  📲 Instagram/theparadoxofchange    📺 Linktree: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange 📢 If you've experienced infidelity or are working through trust issues, let us know your thoughts in the comments! ⬇️ https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange 💔 why did my boyfriend cheat? 💔 why did my girlfriend cheat? 💔 why did my partner cheat? #sexlessmarriage #cheating #couplescoaching #relationshipadvice #affairrecovery #intimacy #limerence #marriageadvice #therapist #walkandtalk #SexlessMarriage #RelationshipAdvice #CouplesTherapy #IntimacyIssues #MarriageProblems #Contempt #GottmanMethod #TherapistTalks #LowLibido #SexualRejection Hosted by Lottie Passell-Syms (Sex & Intimacy Specialist), Elliot Burgess, and Fifi Sclif therapists who understand that healing starts within. https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange How to find us: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

    46 min
  5. The Sexless Marriage Talk Hits Different When You're A Therapist

    Mar 15

    The Sexless Marriage Talk Hits Different When You're A Therapist

    Join Elliot and Lottie on an honest walk | Cheating or sexless? When one partner takes sex off the table, what happens to the other? In this Walk & Talk, therapists Lottie and Elliot unpack one of the most painful dilemmas couples face — forced celibacy in a committed relationship, loosing limerence and why it so often leads to affairs. We break down: 🔹 Why contempt and lack of communication destroy intimacy 🔹 The "Cup of Tea Syndrome" — how affairs really begin 🔹 Limerence vs love: the illusion that traps so many couples 🔹 Gottman's Four Horsemen and how they show up in your relationship 🔹 Why safety — not communication — is the real key to connection 🔹 The "Postage Stamp" effect: how years of unspoken resentment explode 🔹 Why men and women often define intimacy completely differently 💬 Have you experienced this in your relationship? Drop your thoughts in the comments — we read every one. 📌 TIMESTAMPS 0:00 – The clip that sparked the conversation 0:35 – Contempt and the breakdown of communication 2:36 – Gottman's Four Horsemen in action 5:10 – The "Cup of Tea Syndrome" — how affairs start 7:23 – What monogamy really asks of you 8:10 – When sex disappears after children 10:12 – Why sex is "oxygen" for connection 12:12 – Limerence: the love illusion 14:08 – "I'd leave, but everything else is perfect" 16:08 – How relationship roles get set in stone 19:40 – Phone reminders for intimacy? 21:10 – Safety is the key, not communication 25:27 – The "Postage Stamp" effect 28:20 – The disconnect: external vs internal qualities 🔔 Subscribe for our Walk & Talk episodes with real therapist perspectives on love, cheating, intimacy, and everything in between. Recommended Videos:  TED Talk - A better way to talk about love | Mandy Len Catron : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zMWYQRKuc5M Esther Perel:    / @estherperel   Follow us on:  🎙️ The Paradox of Change Podcast: https://theparadoxofchange.buzzsprout...  📲 Instagram:     / theparadoxofchange    📺 Linktree: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange 📢 If you've experienced infidelity or are working through trust issues, let us know your thoughts in the comments! ⬇️ https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange 💔 why did my boyfriend cheat? 💔 why did my girlfriend cheat? 💔 why did my partner cheat? #sexlessmarriage #cheating #couplescoaching #relationshipadvice #affairrecovery #intimacy #limerence #marriageadvice #therapist #walkandtalk Hosted by Lottie Passell-Syms (Sex & Intimacy Specialist), Elliot Burgess, and Fifi Sclif therapists who understand that healing starts within. https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange How to find us: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

    30 min
  6. Can you separate with dignity? Here's how

    Feb 22

    Can you separate with dignity? Here's how

    We explore the nuanced process of conscious uncoupling, HOW TO LET GO respectfully, intentionally, and with growth at the core. Drawing from therapeutic insights, we uncover how deep self-awareness, empathy, and healthy boundaries transform separation into an opportunity for healing and new beginnings. Key topics: The limits of connection based on individual inner work Recognising and bridging the gap during relationship disconnection The importance of accountability, vulnerability, and safety Steps for a healthy, conscious separation that honors all involved The role of family, society, and self in navigating endings About Our Guest: Lottie Passell-Syms is a psychosexual and relationship therapist qualified in CBT and hypnotherapy. She specialises in relationship difficulties, stress, anxiety, intimacy and infidelity recovery, helping couples navigate the most challenging aspects of their partnerships. In this episode: How human connection is limited by personal shadow work (0:00) The dynamic of awareness gaps and power in relationships (1:16) How growth creates an irreversible spotlight on the partner's stuck points (2:44) The significance of external interests and shared aliveness (3:16) The process when couples realise repair is impossible and need to part (4:19) Managing resentment and projection through self-responsibility (5:34) The importance of feelings and discomfort in growth, like a lobster shedding its shell (8:54) How vulnerability and safety underpin conscious uncoupling (14:09) Examples of respectful, conscious separation that maintains dignity and family ties (16:23) The significance of preemptive planning for children and mutual respect (27:09) Allowing space for grief, self-growth, and new love (33:05) The power of choice in shifting from resentment to love (40:01) 🔗 Follow us on:  🎙️ The Paradox of Change Podcast: https://theparadoxofchange.buzzsprout...  📲 Instagram:     / theparadoxofchange    📺 Linktree: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange 📢 If you've experienced infidelity or are working through trust issues, let us know your thoughts in the comments! ⬇️ https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange 💔 why did my boyfriend cheat on me? 💔 why did my girlfriend cheat on me? 💔 why did my partner cheat on me? https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange How to find us: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

    47 min
  7. Blindsided by Betrayal - Have you just found out about the affair?

    Jan 19

    Blindsided by Betrayal - Have you just found out about the affair?

    Lottie and Elliot  talk about being Blindsided by Betrayal: Navigating the Aftermath (We Talk Cheating): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0PR4-GNlDE&t=196s We delve into the emotional turmoil in the relationships, and explore the initial shock, the grief cycle, and the complex emotions that follow discovering infidelity. Through personal anecdotes and listener comments, they discuss coping strategies, the potential for relationship repair, and the importance of transparency and communication. The conversation also touches on the societal and personal factors that contribute to infidelity and the path to healing and growth after such a betrayal. Takeaways The shock of betrayal can trigger a profound grief cycle. Transparency and open communication are crucial for healing. Infidelity often stems from unmet needs or personal issues. Coping strategies vary widely among individuals. Therapy can facilitate honest dialogue and potential repair. Personal growth is possible even after deep betrayal. Understanding the root causes of infidelity is essential. Healing requires time, patience, and mutual effort. The journey to recovery can lead to a stronger relationship. Each story of betrayal is unique and complex. Chapters 00:00:00 Introduction to Betrayal 00:03:00 The Grief Cycle 00:09:00 Coping Strategies 00:15:00 Path to Healing 00:21:00 Rebuilding Trust https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange How to find us: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

    46 min
  8. This is how to rebuild the intimate act in a sexless relationship!

    12/08/2025

    This is how to rebuild the intimate act in a sexless relationship!

    Welcome to The Paradox of Change - your couples therapy and relationship advice channel hosted by three experienced therapists. We believe there has to be an I before We. Struggling with trust issues, affair recovery, sexual rejection, or intimacy problems? Whether you're dealing with a sexless marriage, low libido, or rejection sensitivity - we help you build a stronger relationship with yourself first, so you can create healthier connections with others. What You'll Get: - Expert couples therapy insights from practicing therapists - Self improvement strategies for personal growth and emotional intelligence - Real talk about boundaries, attachment styles, and relationship problems - Practical psychology tools for intimacy issues and emotional intimacy - Honest discussions about sexual intimacy and healing In this interview, you’ll learn: How to Stop Trying to “Fix” Your Partner How to Recognize the Real Issue Beneath the Argument How to Make Conflict a Source of Connection How to Move from Blame to Responsibility How to Stay Grounded When Your Values Clash How to Build a Relationship That Grows with You Hosted by Lottie Parker (Sex & Intimacy Specialist), Elliot Burgess, and Clair Law - therapists who understand that healing starts within. https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange Linktree: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange Get vidIQ to grow your channel faster! 🚀 https://vidiq.com/TheParadoxofChan How to find us: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

    38 min
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About

Welcome to The Paradox of Change, where three experienced therapists guide you through the essential truth:I B4We - You have to have a relationship with yourself before you can have a relationship with others!We believe in understanding your needs, boundaries, and capacity for connection - because the most important relationship you'll ever have is the one with yourself.Meet Your Guides:Elliot Burgess - Individual therapist specializing in men's mental health and the foundational "I" work that transforms all relationshipsLottie Passell-Syms - Sex and intimacy specialist dedicated to couples therapy, helping partners navigate the "We" journey through deeper connection and authentic communication and better sex.Fi Sclif - Individual therapy and growth coaching focusing on mindset, money, and marketingWhat You'll Discover:•⁠  ⁠How self-discovery leads to relationship mastery•⁠  ⁠Lottie's proven couples therapy techniques for rebuilding intimacy and trust•⁠  ⁠Practical tools for infidelity recovery, trauma healing, and authentic communication•⁠  ⁠Insights into masculinity, femininity, and identity development•⁠  ⁠Strategies for navigating divorce, dating after trauma, and co-parenting•⁠  ⁠Real conversations about narcissistic abuse recovery and neurodiversity in relationshipsOur Philosophy:Inspired by Carl Rogers' wisdom: "When a client accepts themselves as they are, the curious paradox is that they then change." Whether you're working on yourself individually or as a couple, transformation starts within - heal your relationship with yourself, and watch every other relationship in your life flourish.Content You Can Expect:•⁠  ⁠Deep-dive conversations with mental health experts•⁠  ⁠Individual growth episodes ("The I Series") with Elliot, Fi & Lottie•⁠  ⁠Couples-focused content ("The We Series") with Lottie's expertise•⁠  ⁠"I B4We Deep Dives" - All three tackling complex topics together•⁠  ⁠Real stories of resilience and recovery•⁠  ⁠Practical tools you can use immediatelyWhether you're single and working on yourself, in a relationship needing guidance, or navigating life transitions, we're here as your collaborative guides, not distant experts, but fellow travelers who've walked these paths.New episodes every two weeks “|” 26+ episodes available now!Subscribe and join our community of people choosing accountability and growth! https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

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