The Paradox of Change - There has to be an I before We!

Elliot, Fifi, Lottie
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Welcome to The Paradox of Change, where three experienced therapists guide you through the essential truth:I B4We - You have to have a relationship with yourself before you can have a relationship with others!We believe in understanding your needs, boundaries, and capacity for connection - because the most important relationship you'll ever have is the one with yourself.Meet Your Guides:Elliot Burgess - Individual therapist specializing in men's mental health and the foundational "I" work that transforms all relationshipsLottie Passell-Syms - Sex and intimacy specialist dedicated to couples therapy, helping partners navigate the "We" journey through deeper connection and authentic communication and better sex.Fi Sclif - Individual therapy and growth coaching focusing on mindset, money, and marketingWhat You'll Discover:•⁠  ⁠How self-discovery leads to relationship mastery•⁠  ⁠Lottie's proven couples therapy techniques for rebuilding intimacy and trust•⁠  ⁠Practical tools for infidelity recovery, trauma healing, and authentic communication•⁠  ⁠Insights into masculinity, femininity, and identity development•⁠  ⁠Strategies for navigating divorce, dating after trauma, and co-parenting•⁠  ⁠Real conversations about narcissistic abuse recovery and neurodiversity in relationshipsOur Philosophy:Inspired by Carl Rogers' wisdom: "When a client accepts themselves as they are, the curious paradox is that they then change." Whether you're working on yourself individually or as a couple, transformation starts within - heal your relationship with yourself, and watch every other relationship in your life flourish.Content You Can Expect:•⁠  ⁠Deep-dive conversations with mental health experts•⁠  ⁠Individual growth episodes ("The I Series") with Elliot, Fi & Lottie•⁠  ⁠Couples-focused content ("The We Series") with Lottie's expertise•⁠  ⁠"I B4We Deep Dives" - All three tackling complex topics together•⁠  ⁠Real stories of resilience and recovery•⁠  ⁠Practical tools you can use immediatelyWhether you're single and working on yourself, in a relationship needing guidance, or navigating life transitions, we're here as your collaborative guides, not distant experts, but fellow travelers who've walked these paths.New episodes every two weeks “|” 26+ episodes available now!Subscribe and join our community of people choosing accountability and growth! https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

  1. The Sexless Marriage Talk Hits Different When You're A Therapist

    5D AGO

    The Sexless Marriage Talk Hits Different When You're A Therapist

    Join Elliot and Lottie on an honest walk | Cheating or sexless? When one partner takes sex off the table, what happens to the other? In this Walk & Talk, therapists Lottie and Elliot unpack one of the most painful dilemmas couples face — forced celibacy in a committed relationship, loosing limerence and why it so often leads to affairs. We break down: 🔹 Why contempt and lack of communication destroy intimacy 🔹 The "Cup of Tea Syndrome" — how affairs really begin 🔹 Limerence vs love: the illusion that traps so many couples 🔹 Gottman's Four Horsemen and how they show up in your relationship 🔹 Why safety — not communication — is the real key to connection 🔹 The "Postage Stamp" effect: how years of unspoken resentment explode 🔹 Why men and women often define intimacy completely differently 💬 Have you experienced this in your relationship? Drop your thoughts in the comments — we read every one. 📌 TIMESTAMPS 0:00 – The clip that sparked the conversation 0:35 – Contempt and the breakdown of communication 2:36 – Gottman's Four Horsemen in action 5:10 – The "Cup of Tea Syndrome" — how affairs start 7:23 – What monogamy really asks of you 8:10 – When sex disappears after children 10:12 – Why sex is "oxygen" for connection 12:12 – Limerence: the love illusion 14:08 – "I'd leave, but everything else is perfect" 16:08 – How relationship roles get set in stone 19:40 – Phone reminders for intimacy? 21:10 – Safety is the key, not communication 25:27 – The "Postage Stamp" effect 28:20 – The disconnect: external vs internal qualities 🔔 Subscribe for our Walk & Talk episodes with real therapist perspectives on love, cheating, intimacy, and everything in between. Recommended Videos:  TED Talk - A better way to talk about love | Mandy Len Catron : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zMWYQRKuc5M Esther Perel:    / @estherperel   Follow us on:  🎙️ The Paradox of Change Podcast: https://theparadoxofchange.buzzsprout...  📲 Instagram:     / theparadoxofchange    📺 Linktree: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange 📢 If you've experienced infidelity or are working through trust issues, let us know your thoughts in the comments! ⬇️ https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange 💔 why did my boyfriend cheat? 💔 why did my girlfriend cheat? 💔 why did my partner cheat? #sexlessmarriage #cheating #couplescoaching #relationshipadvice #affairrecovery #intimacy #limerence #marriageadvice #therapist #walkandtalk Hosted by Lottie Passell-Syms (Sex & Intimacy Specialist), Elliot Burgess, and Fifi Sclif therapists who understand that healing starts within. https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange How to find us: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

    30 min
  2. Can you separate with dignity? Here's how

    FEB 22

    Can you separate with dignity? Here's how

    We explore the nuanced process of conscious uncoupling, HOW TO LET GO respectfully, intentionally, and with growth at the core. Drawing from therapeutic insights, we uncover how deep self-awareness, empathy, and healthy boundaries transform separation into an opportunity for healing and new beginnings. Key topics: The limits of connection based on individual inner work Recognising and bridging the gap during relationship disconnection The importance of accountability, vulnerability, and safety Steps for a healthy, conscious separation that honors all involved The role of family, society, and self in navigating endings About Our Guest: Lottie Passell-Syms is a psychosexual and relationship therapist qualified in CBT and hypnotherapy. She specialises in relationship difficulties, stress, anxiety, intimacy and infidelity recovery, helping couples navigate the most challenging aspects of their partnerships. In this episode: How human connection is limited by personal shadow work (0:00) The dynamic of awareness gaps and power in relationships (1:16) How growth creates an irreversible spotlight on the partner's stuck points (2:44) The significance of external interests and shared aliveness (3:16) The process when couples realise repair is impossible and need to part (4:19) Managing resentment and projection through self-responsibility (5:34) The importance of feelings and discomfort in growth, like a lobster shedding its shell (8:54) How vulnerability and safety underpin conscious uncoupling (14:09) Examples of respectful, conscious separation that maintains dignity and family ties (16:23) The significance of preemptive planning for children and mutual respect (27:09) Allowing space for grief, self-growth, and new love (33:05) The power of choice in shifting from resentment to love (40:01) 🔗 Follow us on:  🎙️ The Paradox of Change Podcast: https://theparadoxofchange.buzzsprout...  📲 Instagram:     / theparadoxofchange    📺 Linktree: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange 📢 If you've experienced infidelity or are working through trust issues, let us know your thoughts in the comments! ⬇️ https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange 💔 why did my boyfriend cheat on me? 💔 why did my girlfriend cheat on me? 💔 why did my partner cheat on me? https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange How to find us: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

    47 min
  3. Blindsided by Betrayal - Have you just found out about the affair?

    JAN 19

    Blindsided by Betrayal - Have you just found out about the affair?

    Lottie and Elliot  talk about being Blindsided by Betrayal: Navigating the Aftermath (We Talk Cheating): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0PR4-GNlDE&t=196s We delve into the emotional turmoil in the relationships, and explore the initial shock, the grief cycle, and the complex emotions that follow discovering infidelity. Through personal anecdotes and listener comments, they discuss coping strategies, the potential for relationship repair, and the importance of transparency and communication. The conversation also touches on the societal and personal factors that contribute to infidelity and the path to healing and growth after such a betrayal. Takeaways The shock of betrayal can trigger a profound grief cycle. Transparency and open communication are crucial for healing. Infidelity often stems from unmet needs or personal issues. Coping strategies vary widely among individuals. Therapy can facilitate honest dialogue and potential repair. Personal growth is possible even after deep betrayal. Understanding the root causes of infidelity is essential. Healing requires time, patience, and mutual effort. The journey to recovery can lead to a stronger relationship. Each story of betrayal is unique and complex. Chapters 00:00:00 Introduction to Betrayal 00:03:00 The Grief Cycle 00:09:00 Coping Strategies 00:15:00 Path to Healing 00:21:00 Rebuilding Trust https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange How to find us: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

    46 min
  4. This is how to rebuild the intimate act in a sexless relationship!

    12/08/2025

    This is how to rebuild the intimate act in a sexless relationship!

    Welcome to The Paradox of Change - your couples therapy and relationship advice channel hosted by three experienced therapists. We believe there has to be an I before We. Struggling with trust issues, affair recovery, sexual rejection, or intimacy problems? Whether you're dealing with a sexless marriage, low libido, or rejection sensitivity - we help you build a stronger relationship with yourself first, so you can create healthier connections with others. What You'll Get: - Expert couples therapy insights from practicing therapists - Self improvement strategies for personal growth and emotional intelligence - Real talk about boundaries, attachment styles, and relationship problems - Practical psychology tools for intimacy issues and emotional intimacy - Honest discussions about sexual intimacy and healing In this interview, you’ll learn: How to Stop Trying to “Fix” Your Partner How to Recognize the Real Issue Beneath the Argument How to Make Conflict a Source of Connection How to Move from Blame to Responsibility How to Stay Grounded When Your Values Clash How to Build a Relationship That Grows with You Hosted by Lottie Parker (Sex & Intimacy Specialist), Elliot Burgess, and Clair Law - therapists who understand that healing starts within. https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange Linktree: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange Get vidIQ to grow your channel faster! 🚀 https://vidiq.com/TheParadoxofChan How to find us: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

    38 min
  5. The BIGGEST Misconceptions About Open Relationships

    11/24/2025

    The BIGGEST Misconceptions About Open Relationships

    Lottie Passell-Syms and Natalie Wanner explore the complexities of OPEN relationships, communication, and intimacy. They discuss the impact of past trauma on current relationships, the dynamics of low desire, and the importance of accountability and radical acceptance in navigating intimacy. You may like this episode https://youtu.be/AC08xbGuadU The conversation emphasises the need for open dialogue about the intimate act and intimacy, the challenges of celibacy, and the significance of understanding one's own needs and desires within a relationship. They also touch on the evolving definitions of marriage and the necessity of intimacy for growth in any relationship. In this conversation, Lottie Passell-Syms and Natalie explore the complexities of relationships, particularly focusing on open relationships, boundaries, communication, and the importance of maintaining individuality. They discuss the significance of the intimate actin sustaining connection, the impact of trauma, and the necessity of curiosity over blame in communication. The dialogue emphasizes the need for clear boundaries, the role of self-identity, and the importance of seeking intervention when necessary. Ultimately, they advocate for a relationship design that allows for personal growth and mutual support. Takeaways Open relationships can provide new perspectives on intimacy. Miscommunication is a major barrier in relationships. Understanding past trauma is crucial for healthy intimacy. Low desire often stems from a lack of effort in relationships. The intimate act should not be a taboo topic in relationships. Radical acceptance can help individuals cope with celibacy. Natalies Links  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@nataliewanner5196/videos - Natalies Book: Crazy in the inside: https://www.amazon.com/Crazy-Inside-Memoir-Nobody-Special/dp/1701860201 - Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/reel/1425685391886010 - TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/discover/natalie-wanner-openmarried - IG: https://www.instagram.com/nataliewanner_/?hl=en POC Links: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange Chapters 00:00 Building a YouTube Presence 01:14 Natalie's Background and Open Marriage 05:16 Communication in Relationships 10:07 Desire and Effort in Relationships 14:46 Navigating intimate Health and Boundaries 19:43 Radical Acceptance and Personal Responsibility 23:52 Navigating Intimacy and Compassion in Relationships 25:50 The Importance of Liking Your Partner 27:52 Redefining Marriage: Compatibility vs. Alignment 30:19 Open Relationships: Contracts and Communication 32:20 The Role of Family in Marriage Dynamics 33:58 Boundaries and Transparency in Non-Monogamous Relationships 36:04 Creating a Relationship by Design 38:04 The Impact of COVID on Relationship Dynamics 40:11 Reigniting Passion and Intimacy 45:03 The Role of intimacy in Sustaining Connection 49:37 Rediscovering Individual Identity in Relationships 50:25 Questioning Life Choices 51:31 Community and Collective Growth 52:45 Self-Discovery and Personal Growth 54:48 Navigating Relationships and Support 57:08 Addressing Intimacy Issues 58:21 Communication and Trust in Relationships 01:00:38 The Impact of Comfort on Relationships Get vidIQ to grow your channel faster! 🚀 https://vidiq.com/TheParadoxofChan 📲 Instagram:   https://www.instagram.com/theparadoxofchange/ 📺 Linktree: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange How to find us: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

    1h 1m
  6. Why Withholding Sex Destroys Relationships

    10/25/2025

    Why Withholding Sex Destroys Relationships

    Monogamy is a contract: friendship, intimacy and sex. When one stops, that contract gets broken. So what makes it acceptable to opt out of intimacy with your partner? In this raw and honest conversation, Elliot and Lottie Passell-Syms explore the grief, loss and identity crisis that follows when sex disappears from a relationship, and ask the difficult question: should you give him sex? This episode delves into the complexities of desire, power dynamics and the real reasons couples stop connecting physically. We discuss why women often lose desire first, what men are actually asking for when they initiate sex, and how refusing intimacy can become a weapon that erodes the foundation of your relationship. Drawing on insights from relationship experts including Esther Perel's work on attachment models and David Snarch's concepts of heart-syncing connection, we explore how our relationship patterns shift depending on who we're with, and why understanding these dynamics is crucial for maintaining intimacy. What You'll Learn: • Why communication is the foundation of intimacy, not just sex • The devastating impact of withholding sex for months or years • What men really want when they ask for sex (it's not what you think) • How vulnerability and emotional connection fuel physical intimacy • The role of power and control in sexual refusal • Why "just have a few drinks and have sex" advice destroys relationships • Practical exercises to rebuild intimacy, starting with the Yab Yum pose • How family of origin patterns shape your sexual dynamics • The biological and emotional benefits of regular intimacy. Chapters: 00:00 Understanding Desire and Intimacy  03:13 The Impact of Withholding Sex  05:58 Men's Perspectives on Sex and Vulnerability  09:00 Communication as the Foundation of Intimacy  11:50 Negotiating Sexual Dynamics in Relationships  15:01 The Role of Power in Withholding Sex  17:52 Rebuilding Intimacy Through Connection  21:11 Practical Exercises for Couples: The Yab Yum Pose  23:59 The Complexity of Relationships and Personal Growth About Our Guest: Lottie Passell-Syms is a psychosexual and relationship therapist qualified in CBT and hypnotherapy. She specializes in relationship difficulties, stress, anxiety, intimacy and infidelity recovery, helping couples navigate the most challenging aspects of their partnerships. Key Takeaways: "Monogamy is a contract: friendship, intimacy and sex. When one stops, that contract gets broken." "Choose your choices. You're not single. You chose this relationship." "Sex is good for us: brain, body and soul. The oxytocin lasts for 14 days. Why are we wasting it?" If you're in a relationship where intimacy has disappeared, this episode offers honest insights and practical tools to rebuild connection. The work requires effort, vulnerability and a willingness to hold up the mirror and ask yourself: why am I opting out, and how is it impacting my partner? Related Episodes: • Can I Be Me With You? Vulnerability in Relationships • The Relationship MOT: Holding Yourself Accountable • I Before We: Building a Relationship with Yourself First Work With Us: Interested in couples therapy or our PlayBook course for therapists?  For more relationship advice,  Follow us on:  🎙️ The Paradox of Change Podcast: https://theparadoxofchange.buzzsprout...  📲 Instagram:/theparadoxofchange    📺 Linktree: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange 📢 If you've experienced infidelity or are working through trust issues, let us know your thoughts in the comments! ⬇️ https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange 💔 why did my boyfriend cheat? 💔 why did my girlfriend che How to find us: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

    27 min

  7. 09/22/2025

    Is This Your Discomfort or Mine? Navigating Disability Conversations POC-31

    We have an honest talk with with Poppy Tiltman, who's here to share her perspective on disability without the usual sugar-coating. In this candid episode, Poppy makes one thing clear from the start: she doesn't want to be your inspiration, and she's not here to make you feel good about yourself - thats your job! Living with cerebral palsy and autism, Poppy cuts through the typical feel-good narratives that surround disability discussions. Instead, she offers her genuine experience - what it's actually like to navigate a world that often prefers comfortable stories to uncomfortable truths. Hear Poppy's take on why "staying positive" isn't always the answer, her experiences with education systems that didn't quite work for her, and why finding real community matters more than collecting sympathy. She also shares her vision for "Access Granted," her new podcast designed to amplify authentic disabled voices rather than the polished versions that make everyone else comfortable. This isn't Poppy trying to overcome anything or be inspirational - it's her being human, being honest, and asking for something better. Poppy Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@accessgrantedwithpoppy Chapter Markers 00:00 - Poppy's Truth: I Don't Want to Be Your Inspiration** Poppy sets the tone by explaining why she rejects the inspiration label and what she actually wants from these conversations. 06:27 - Her Reality: What Disability Actually Looks Like** Poppy shares her honest experience of living with disability, moving beyond the usual sanitised narratives. 12:18 - Access Granted: Poppy's Vision for Real Stories** Poppy explains her new podcast and why she's committed to sharing authentic disabled experiences rather than inspiration content. 18:14 - Education Through Her Eyes: When Systems Don't Work** Poppy reflects on her experiences navigating educational systems and the challenges she faced along the way. 25:50 - Finding Her Community: Beyond Well-Meaning Sympathy** Poppy discusses the difference between genuine support and the often unhelpful responses disability attracts. 30:03 - Being Seen as Human: Beyond Her Conditions** Poppy talks about wanting to be seen as a whole person rather than just her disabilities or as inspiration fodder. 35:14 - Her Vision: Real Change, Not Just Nice Stories** Poppy shares her hopes for disability advocacy that prioritises truth and authenticity over comfort. From her perspective, education systems often failed to properly include her, and society's general awkwardness around disability creates unnecessary barriers. She values genuine community over well-meaning but misguided sympathy, and wants her voice heard on platforms that prioritise authenticity over feel-good content. Poppy wants to be seen as a complete person with her own agency, not reduced to her conditions or used as inspiration. Her approach to advocacy focuses on challenging systems and having uncomfortable but necessary conversations rather than just sharing uplifting stories that make everyone else feel better. Filmed in Winchester, Southampton (Note our Southampton accent) in the UK! Squrimey and Grubs AKa Shanye and Hannah. The two do a fabulous job of explaining how an interableld relationship ( when one person in the relationship is disabled and the other is not) can work out just like any other romantic relationship. They show how the dynamics work when your wife is also your main caregiver. They share funny, cute and occasionally embarrassing stories along with explaining how the general public reacts when they find out that the two are in fact married.Their social media How to find us: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

    40 min
  8. The One Thing That Predicts Relationship Success

    09/08/2025

    The One Thing That Predicts Relationship Success

    The secret to lasting love isn't about finding the perfect partner or mastering communication techniques. There's one fundamental question that predicts whether your relationship will thrive or fail: "Can I be me with you?" If you are searching for relationship repair or relationship advice, this might be the show for you. In this deep-dive conversation, Elliot and Lottie explore the core elements that determine relationship success, from emotional safety and vulnerability to the crucial role of boundaries and self-awareness. Key Takeaways: • Why emotional safety is the foundation of all healthy relationships • How childhood experiences shape your adult relationship patterns • The difference between defensiveness and healthy boundaries • Why "I like you" might be more powerful than "I love you" • How to recognise when you're reacting from past trauma vs. present reality Timestamps: 00:00 Understanding Triggers in Relationships 02:46 The Importance of Emotional Connection 05:28 Navigating Vulnerability and Safety 08:23 Identifying Negative Patterns and Accountability 11:10 The Role of Childhood in Adult Relationships 13:54 The Impact of Boundaries on Relationships 16:44 The Balance of Individuality and Togetherness 19:33 The Significance of Time and Friendship 22:11 The Power of 'Like' in Relationships 25:03 Recognizing Past Influences on Present Relationships 27:46 The Journey of Self-Discovery and Healing 30:28 The Dynamics of People-Pleasing and Assertiveness 33:24 The Complexity of Relationship Expectations 36:04 Summarizing Key Takeaways for Relationship Success 💡 Featured Concepts: • The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Gottman) • Window of Tolerance (Babette Rothschild) • I Before We Philosophy • Family of Origin Work Perfect for: • Couples seeking deeper emotional connection • Individuals preparing for healthy relationships • Anyone struggling with boundaries and people-pleasing • Those recognising patterns from childhood in their relationships In this engaging storytime, we explore the power of effective communication. Learn practical communication skills and discover how to talk to people with confidence. Improve your english conversation and master how to start a conversation, making every interaction more meaningful. Filmed in Winchester, Southampton in the UK! Released on the day that we saw Protests in Southampton and if you like Psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel, we might be the show for you...  Follow us on: The Paradox of Change Podcast: https://theparadoxofchange.buzzsprout... Instagram:   https://www.instagram.com/theparadoxofchange/ Linktree: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange If you've experienced infidelity or are working through trust issues, let us know your thoughts in the comments! ⬇️ https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange 💔 why did my boyfriend cheat on me? 💔 why did my girlfriend cheat on me? 💔 why did my partner cheat on me? 💔 why is partner not having sex with me? How to find us: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

    42 min
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Welcome to The Paradox of Change, where three experienced therapists guide you through the essential truth:I B4We - You have to have a relationship with yourself before you can have a relationship with others!We believe in understanding your needs, boundaries, and capacity for connection - because the most important relationship you'll ever have is the one with yourself.Meet Your Guides:Elliot Burgess - Individual therapist specializing in men's mental health and the foundational "I" work that transforms all relationshipsLottie Passell-Syms - Sex and intimacy specialist dedicated to couples therapy, helping partners navigate the "We" journey through deeper connection and authentic communication and better sex.Fi Sclif - Individual therapy and growth coaching focusing on mindset, money, and marketingWhat You'll Discover:•⁠  ⁠How self-discovery leads to relationship mastery•⁠  ⁠Lottie's proven couples therapy techniques for rebuilding intimacy and trust•⁠  ⁠Practical tools for infidelity recovery, trauma healing, and authentic communication•⁠  ⁠Insights into masculinity, femininity, and identity development•⁠  ⁠Strategies for navigating divorce, dating after trauma, and co-parenting•⁠  ⁠Real conversations about narcissistic abuse recovery and neurodiversity in relationshipsOur Philosophy:Inspired by Carl Rogers' wisdom: "When a client accepts themselves as they are, the curious paradox is that they then change." Whether you're working on yourself individually or as a couple, transformation starts within - heal your relationship with yourself, and watch every other relationship in your life flourish.Content You Can Expect:•⁠  ⁠Deep-dive conversations with mental health experts•⁠  ⁠Individual growth episodes ("The I Series") with Elliot, Fi & Lottie•⁠  ⁠Couples-focused content ("The We Series") with Lottie's expertise•⁠  ⁠"I B4We Deep Dives" - All three tackling complex topics together•⁠  ⁠Real stories of resilience and recovery•⁠  ⁠Practical tools you can use immediatelyWhether you're single and working on yourself, in a relationship needing guidance, or navigating life transitions, we're here as your collaborative guides, not distant experts, but fellow travelers who've walked these paths.New episodes every two weeks “|” 26+ episodes available now!Subscribe and join our community of people choosing accountability and growth! https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

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