Grit and Grace: Real Conversatons on Resilience, Growth and Living in Alignment

Pam Rader and Erin Payne
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Real Conversations on Resilience, Growth & Living in Alignment Most advice is outsourced wisdom from people who haven't lived what they're teaching. Grit & Grace is a weekly podcast built on a different premise: the answers you're searching for aren't out there — they're in your own self-trust, waiting to be rebuilt. Hosted by master coach and leadership facilitator Pam Rader alongside embodiment coach Erin Payne, with regular appearances from Brian Thiessen — a rare mix of psychological insight and straight-talking cowboy wisdom — this show delivers raw, unscripted conversations about resilience, personal growth, nervous system regulation, and what it actually takes to live in alignment. Each episode challenges the culture of borrowed answers and outsourced authority, replacing it with better questions, somatic awareness, and earned — not inherited — direction. If you're tired of advice that doesn't hold up under your own life, this is the show that hands the authority back to you. Topics we explore: self-trust, personal transformation, nervous system regulation, somatic healing, mindset shift, emotional resilience, authentic leadership, boundaries, self-worth, decision-making, embodiment, psychological insight, living in alignment, coaching, personal growth. New episodes weekly. Real conversations. No outsourced wisdom. 🎙️ Follow Pam: pamrader.com | IG @pamrader | YouTube @coachpamrader 🌿 Follow Erin: erinpayne.ca | IG @erin_payne ✨ Join the waitlist for the Grit & Grace Retreat: pamrader.com/gritandgrace 🎓 Become the Catalyst — our 6-month coaching certification — launches Fall 2026

  1. Nov 1

    You've Done the Work. So Why Are You Still a Jerk? | Spiritual Superiority

    You've done the work. So why are you still a jerk to the people you love? Spiritual superiority and spiritual ego, unpacked. You've done the work. Therapy, yoga, breathwork, the circles, the books. Then the holidays hit, your sister calls, and you hear yourself think: "They just haven't done as much work as me." That's spiritual superiority, and it turns out it's measurable. In this episode of Grit & Grace, coaches and yoga studio owners Pam Rader and Erin Payne get honest about the shadow side of personal growth: how the ego doesn't disappear when we grow, it just changes outfits. We cover: • The research: Roos Vonk and Anouk Visser's 2021 spiritual superiority scale, and why scores ran highest among people in energy training like yoga and Reiki (and lower among mindfulness practitioners) • Spiritual bypassing (John Welwood), spiritual materialism, and asmita, the yogic obstacle of ego identification • The 5 tells of spiritual superiority: diagnosing people, uninvited teaching, performed patience, weaponized therapy language, and the inner eye roll • Why contempt is the #1 relationship killer (Gottman) and how superiority turns into it • Discernment vs contempt in the body: the lifted chin, the set jaw, "regulation theater" • Intellectual humility (Mark Leary, Duke) and why letting your brother be right isn't losing • Pam's story of letting go, and the grandson who arrived the week we recorded Tools to take into the holidays: 1. Find your tell 2. Get curious instead of teaching: one real question, no steering 3. Let someone else be right 4. Picture them as a child 5. The "Just Like Me" practice 6. Ask: is this distance wisdom, or a quiet way of punishing someone? "Growth isn't measured by how far you've come away from the people you love. It's measured by how much of them you can hold without losing yourself." CHAPTERS 00:00 Is your personal growth making you less lovable? 02:00 "They just haven't done the work": the ego changes outfits 03:14 Asmita and Terry Real's one-up / one-down 06:45 What superiority feels like in the body 08:14 Therapy-speak and diagnosing people 08:55 Spiritual superiority is measurable: the research 09:44 Spiritual bypassing 13:01 Superiority as protection: grief and fear 15:01 Regulation theater and performed patience 17:01 The 5 tells of spiritual superiority 18:57 Contempt: Gottman's biggest relationship killer 21:41 Spiritual materialism: Pam's certification story 25:37 The second arrow 28:12 Be and let be: self-trust 29:48 "Go spend a week with your family" 30:41 Spiritual bypassing defined 31:54 Discernment vs contempt in the body 35:21 Tool: find your tell 36:19 "I just want the best for them": letting go and a new grandson 40:04 Tool: get curious instead of teaching 41:52 Tool: let others be right 43:52 Intellectual humility 46:05 Tool: picture them as a child / Just Like Me 47:55 Holiday question: wisdom or punishment? 49:12 Share this one the right way GO DEEPER WITH PAM & ERIN • Wednesday Wisdom Circle: free, Wednesdays 6:30am PT on Zoom • Become the Catalyst coaching certification: spring intake opening soon • Inner Evolution Circle inside The Shift Collective • Grit & Grace retreat in Portugal, June 2027 • 1:1 coaching with Pam or Erin All details: https://pamrader.com If this landed, rate the show and share it, because you saw yourself in it, not because you know who needs it. 😉 #spiritualsuperiority #spiritualbypassing #spiritualego #personalgrowth #shadowwork

  2. Oct 23

    Can a Cheater Really Change? A Therapist Who Was One Answers | Tyler Patrick, LMFT

    When the ground drops out from under you (a discovered affair, a hidden addiction, a partner who wasn't who you thought), what actually rebuilds trust? And who do you become on the other side? Pam and Erin sit down with Tyler Patrick, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist with 20 years in the trenches of betrayal trauma and addiction recovery, and co-host of the Therapy Brothers podcast (500+ episodes). Tyler doesn't teach this from a textbook. Seven years into his marriage, while working as a therapist teaching couples how to save theirs, his own secret came to light. What he saw in his wife's eyes that day changed the direction of his life. Pam shares her own betrayal recovery, including the moment she realized she had known all along and had overridden her inner knowing to keep the peace. The real cost wasn't only the relationship. It was self-trust. In this episode: • The cycle of shame: core beliefs, the "masks" we over-perform, and why the devoted partner and the secret can be the same wound • Why behaviours are only the fruit, and the roots you actually have to address • The betrayed partner's fear cycle: hypervigilance, 2 a.m. cortisol wake-ups, and the identity loss no one warns you about • Where betrayal lives in the body, and why the mind gets it before the body catches up • Why empathy and validation have nothing to do with agreeing with someone • What each partner should (and shouldn't) do in the first 30 days after discovery • The Trust Equation: shame resiliency + rigorous honesty + empathy + consistent effort over time • How to tell a true gut feeling from an old fear response by finding where head and heart overlap • Relapse, the mosquito-bite metaphor, and why recovery is a lifestyle of growth, not a stop sign • Do we owe anyone forgiveness? ("the F word") and the Buddhist teaching of the second arrow Resources mentioned: • Mending a Shattered Heart, edited by Stefanie Carnes • The Anatomy of Peace, The Arbinger Institute Connect with Tyler: Therapy Brothers podcast: https://therapybrothers.org Love Strong (therapy & coaching): https://lovestrong.com Rising Son men's retreat: https://risingson.org Connect with Grit & Grace: Pam Rader: https://pamrader.com YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@coachpamrader If this landed for you, share it with one person who needs to hear that repair is possible. Follow Grit & Grace wherever you listen and leave a rating. It helps these conversations reach the people who need them.

  3. Oct 11

    You're Not Miserable, You're Just Too Into Yourself: Rumination, Co-Regulation & the LIFT Method

    When you're in a funk, what's the first thing you want to do? Go home, shut the door, and figure out what's wrong with you. It feels like self-care. Most of the time, it's the thing keeping you stuck. In this episode of Grit and Grace, Pam Rader and Erin Payne make a bold case: a lot of our unhappiness comes from being a little too into ourselves. There's a difference between rest and hiding, and most of us can't tell which one we're doing. Pam shares the business decision that had her starring in "the movie of me, myself and I," and Erin gets honest about the enlightenment loop: trying so hard to fix yourself that you end up in the gutter for days. Together they dig into what yoga philosophy, Buddhist teaching and modern research all say about self-focus, and why the way out isn't deeper in. It's out and up. IN THIS EPISODE - Rest vs. hiding, and how to tell the difference - Co-regulation: why your nervous system is not a sealed unit - The hand-holding brain scan study, and why we borrow each other's calm - Why loneliness makes people look more dangerous, so we cancel plans right when we need them - The Chicago commuter study: everyone predicts solitude will feel better, and everyone is wrong - Why rumination feels like problem solving but makes you worse at solving the problem - The "two awakenings" and why the most spiritual thing you can do is be a human with other humans - The pebble, the coal and the cup: three images that will change how you see your problem - Erin's pushback: what if you're a recovering people pleaser who hasn't focused on herself since 2009? THE LIFT METHOD L: Label the loop. Am I solving this, or circling it? I: Inhabit the body. One long exhale. What is my body doing right now? F: Find the fire. Move toward people before you feel like it. T: Turn it outward. Who can I show up for today? YOUR HOMEWORK 1. Say yes to one thing you want to cancel. Notice your forecast before and how you feel after. 2. One reach-out a day. A text, a call, two minutes. 3. When you catch the loop, ask: who can I show up for today? "We treat connection like dessert, but the body treats it like food." RESEARCH MENTIONED Coan, Schaefer & Davidson (2006), hand-holding and threat response Holt-Lunstad, Smith & Layton (2010), social relationships and survival Cacioppo & Hawkley (2009), loneliness and social threat Epley & Schroeder (2014), "Mistakenly Seeking Solitude" Nolen-Hoeksema et al. (2008), "Rethinking Rumination" Dunn, Aknin & Norton (2008), spending on others and happiness WORK WITH US Become the Catalyst, one-on-one coaching, retreats and events: https://pamrader.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/pamrader YouTube: https://youtube.com/@coachpamrader If this one landed, send it to a friend. That can be your reach-out for today. A rating or review helps more people find the show.

  4. Sep 30

    Stop Arguing With Reality: How to Find Peace in the Chaos

    If you pray for peace, you might just be given a storm in which to practice it. This week Pam and Erin recorded in the middle of real life. Erin's four-year-old is home sick (and makes a few cameos), and Pam just got back from a Nashville trip that started with a bear sighting, a bloody fall on the way to the airport, and a phone left in an Uber. Then came the noise and crowds of Broadway, a $12 beer, and a nervous system that had hit its limit. It would be easy to blame Nashville, the prices, a sick kid, or the person beside you. But peace doesn't come from your circumstances. It comes from how you show up inside them. In this episode: - Why "the land of later on" doesn't exist, and why waiting for calm keeps you stuck - How your body tells you you're off center, and why catching it early matters - Erin's reframe: balance isn't a place you arrive at. You create it, and then it arrives. - Why nervous system resilience works like heart-rate recovery - How every "should" and "shouldn't" puts you in an argument with reality you'll lose every time - Why we blame, and how the brain's path of least resistance keeps us stuck there - Micro moments of softness you can take on even the busiest day - The road trip where Pam bought a van to escape her own family Three questions to find your way back to peace: 1. What do I want to feel more of right now? 2. What do I need to give up to make space for it? 3. What can I do right now to move closer to that feeling? Chapters: 00:00 Pray for peace, get a storm 01:07 Erin's chaos: a sick four-year-old 02:24 Pam's Nashville trip goes sideways 05:37 When your nervous system hits its limit 08:16 The road trip where Pam bought a van 10:10 The land of later on doesn't exist 10:48 How your body tells you you're off center 11:48 Balance isn't a place you arrive at 12:22 Train your nervous system like your heart 14:16 The $12 beer and the rumination spiral 17:38 When your plans get derailed 20:10 Shoulds, shouldn'ts, and arguing with reality 23:08 Micro moments of softness 26:01 Three questions to return to peace 31:03 Why we point the finger 35:57 When you're too triggered to see clearly 36:54 Let the snow globe settle 38:24 Why we practice on the easy days 39:14 Become the Catalyst Ready to go deeper? Become the Catalyst, our 6-month coaching certification, starts October 20 and has a few spots left. You don't have to want to be a coach. This is for anyone ready to break generational patterns and change how they relate to themselves and the people around them. Book a discovery call: https://pamrader.com If this episode resonated, please rate, review, and share the show. Send us your questions and topic requests. We read every message. Connect with Pam Website: https://pamrader.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/pamrader YouTube: https://youtube.com/@coachpamrader Connect with Erin Website: https://erinpayne.ca Instagram https://instagram.com/_epayne-

  5. Sep 16

    How to Overcome Fear of Failure (What Neuroscience Says)

    Ever wonder why building muscle requires literally tearing it? Failure works the same way — and today Pam and Erin unpack the real biology behind why avoiding failure might be hurting you more than failing ever could. This isn't "failure is part of growth" as a platitude. It's hormesis — the same biological principle behind muscle growth, immune resilience, and aging — applied to your confidence, motivation, and nervous system. Andrew Huberman's research shows mistakes trigger the exact brain chemicals (acetylcholine, epinephrine, dopamine) required for real learning. Not correlated with it — required. Pam and Erin get personal: Erin's studio closing when her business partner ghosted her mid-pandemic. Pam's digital course that sold exactly 3 copies after weeks of work. The parking-lot parenting fails we all hide. And a raw look at how failure got wired into shame in childhood — not by what our parents believed about us, but by the face they made when we messed up (Stanford research). You'll also hear Pam's story about her son's 29 treatment attempts — reframed not as failure, but as extraordinary persistence. Four practical tools to change your relationship with failure: 1. Vote, not verdict — every attempt is a vote for who you're becoming 2. The mirror question — would I want this reaction modeled for a child? 3. The blameless debrief — what happened, what did we learn, no blame (Amy Edmondson's research) 4. Retroactive reframe — look back and find the true opposite meaning Plus: why "perfectionism" is often just failure-avoidance wearing a nicer name. 🎧 Timestamps 00:41 – The muscle-tear metaphor: why we lean into physical failure but avoid emotional failure 02:56 – Erin's studio closing & business partner ghosting her 05:51 – Pam's digital course flop — 3 copies sold 06:56 – The "get in the car" parking lot fail 09:48 – What hormesis actually is 12:02 – Huberman: the brain chemicals only failure can trigger 15:23 – Amy Edmondson's hospital team research & psychological safety 16:39 – Childhood failure imprinting: it's the face, not the words 25:08 – Reframing failure as "the necessary mess" 32:07 – Perfectionism is a trauma response, not a virtue 35:42 – Tool 1: Vote, not verdict 36:51 – Tool 2: The mirror question 38:04 – Tool 3: The blameless debrief 41:48 – Pam's son: 29 treatment attempts, reframed 44:06 – Closing reflection If this episode hit home, share it with someone who's stuck avoiding a risk because they're afraid to fail. Subscribe and leave a rating — it genuinely helps the show grow. 🙏 #GritAndGrace #FailureIsData #PersonalGrowth

  6. Sep 9

    Self-Sabotage, Self-Trust & the Discipline vs. Devotion Trap: The 5 Saboteur Archetypes

    Self-sabotage isn't a willpower problem — it's a self-trust problem. In this episode of Grit & Grace, Pam Rader and Erin Payne break down why self-sabotage, self-trust, and the nervous system are so deeply connected, and introduce the 5 Saboteur Archetypes: the Rationalizer, the Defender, the Justifier, the Comfort Loyalist, and the Discomfort-Averse. Pam makes the case that self-sabotage isn't a discipline problem — it's a devotion problem. Discipline says do it anyway. Devotion says love yourself enough to do it anyway. That single shift — from self-force to self-love — is the difference between habits that white-knuckle for a week and identity change that actually sticks. Erin brings the somatic lens: why avoidance dressed up as self-care or attunement gives short-term nervous system relief but erodes long-term self-trust — and shares a raw, real-time story of catching herself mid-sabotage after a family conflict. They also unpack the research behind why this works: James Clear's "votes for identity" framework from Atomic Habits, Daryl Bem's 1972 self-perception theory, Wendy Wood's research showing 43% of daily behavior is habitual, Alan Marlatt's Buddhist-rooted "urge surfing" technique, and the yogic concepts of tapas (disciplined friction) and sankalpa (heartfelt intention). And in one of the most vulnerable moments on the show yet, Pam opens up about her real-life relationship with co-host Brian Thiessen — the anxious-avoidant attachment work, the discomfort, and the devotion that got them there. You'll walk away with 5 concrete steps: name your saboteur archetype, pick one embarrassingly small non-negotiable, plan for the wave before it hits, track votes instead of streaks, and return to devotion — not discipline — the moment you slip. WORK WITH US 1:1 coaching with Pam or Erin — pamrader.com and erinpayne.ca Inner Evolution Circle — weekly group coaching: pamrader.com Become the Catalyst — 6-month certification, starts October 20, 2026, registration open now: pamrader.com FREE WORKSHOP — Friday, Sept 11, 2026 at 11am (Zoom) Live training on our C.O.R.E. methodology. Free for everyone — register even if you can't attend live to get the replay AND lock in a $500 discount on Become the Catalyst Pam: pamrader.com | IG @pamrader | YouTube @coachpamrader Erin: erinpayne.ca | IG @erin_payne

  7. Aug 25

    Manifestation Blocks: The Universal Truth Behind Jim Curtis's Release, Align, Become

    Why can't you manifest the thing you want — more money, the right relationship, more peace — even when you're doing everything right? In this episode of Grit & Grace, hosts Pam Rader and Erin Payne break down the real reason manifestation stalls out in the gap between wanting something and receiving it, and the missing step almost no one talks about: forgiveness. Pam and Erin unpack Jim Curtis's framework from The Book of Possibility — Release, Align, Become — and trace the same universal truth through Abraham Hicks' teaching on contrast and the "rocket of desire," David Bayer's principle that desire plus non-resistance equals your desired result, and Baron Baptiste's line, "the answer to how is yes." They share real stories: Pam's $52,000 debt and the yoga teacher training that sold for exactly $52,000; Erin's money scarcity patterns and how she manifested a $9,000 coaching program she couldn't afford; and Pam's shift from listing qualities she wanted in a partner to asking who she needed to become instead. The conversation lands on the ancient Hawaiian practice of Ho'oponopono — I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you — and why forgiving yourself for ever believing you weren't worthy may be the real "alignment" step between releasing an old identity and becoming the person who can hold what you want. In this episode: Why vision boards and affirmations alone don't workThe difference between chasing the "how" and trusting the lagWhy your old identity — not bad luck — is what's blocking youReal stories of manifestation through becoming, not forcingHow shadow work and spiritual bypassing can look identicalThe Ho'oponopono practice, explained simplyA better affirmation: "I am divinely guided and perfectly on time"What Pam and Erin are each manifesting right nowBooks mentioned: The Book of Possibility: Release. Align. Become. by Jim CurtisZero Limits by Dr. Joe VitaleWork with Pam & Erin: Book a free discovery call to explore 1:1 coaching: https://pamrader.com/ Become the Catalyst — our six-month live coaching certification — opens for its next cohort October 20, 2026: https://pamrader.com/ Grit & Grace Retreat waitlist: https://pamrader.com/gritandgrace Follow the show: Pam: instagram.com/pamrader | YouTube: @coachpamrader Erin: instagram.com/erin_payne | erinpayne.ca If this episode resonated, subscribe and leave us a review — it helps more people find the show.

  8. Aug 10

    Self-Trust, Nervous System Regulation & the CORE Method for Lasting Change

    Self-trust is the missing ingredient in personal development — and it's why you can do all the "right" work and still feel stuck. In this episode of Grit & Grace, Pam Rader and Erin Payne break down the exact methodology they use with coaching clients to create lasting, sustainable change: CORE — Create Safety, Observe Patterns, Restore Self-Trust, Embody & Integrate. Pam shares the real story behind her cold plunging practice — how she started building nervous system resilience months before she consciously knew a storm was coming, and how that practice carried her through the day her marriage ended. Erin opens up about choosing herself over a relationship, and the visceral nervous system backlash that showed up the moment she took that step — even though it was exactly what she wanted. Together they unpack why shame and self-blame block transformation, how unspoken expectations quietly sabotage relationships, and why the "terror barrier" — that gut-drop feeling right before you take aligned action — is actually a sign you're doing it right, not a sign to stop. You'll learn: The CORE method for creating lasting change in any area of your lifeWhy creating safety with yourself (not a toxic-free environment) is the real starting pointA 3-part inquiry to interrupt any pattern that isn't serving youWhy "this doesn't feel right" after a big decision is often your nervous system, not your intuitionHow to embody new behavior until it becomes identity, not just insightThis episode also introduces Become the Catalyst, Pam and Erin's six-month live coaching certification launching October 2026. Applications are open now. Connect with us: Pam Rader: https://pamrader.com | IG: @pamrader | YouTube: @coachpamrader Erin Payne: https://erinpayne.ca | IG: @erin_payne Apply for Become the Catalyst: pamrader.com If this episode helped you, share it with someone who needs it — and leave us a rating, it helps more people find the show.

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About

Real Conversations on Resilience, Growth & Living in Alignment Most advice is outsourced wisdom from people who haven't lived what they're teaching. Grit & Grace is a weekly podcast built on a different premise: the answers you're searching for aren't out there — they're in your own self-trust, waiting to be rebuilt. Hosted by master coach and leadership facilitator Pam Rader alongside embodiment coach Erin Payne, with regular appearances from Brian Thiessen — a rare mix of psychological insight and straight-talking cowboy wisdom — this show delivers raw, unscripted conversations about resilience, personal growth, nervous system regulation, and what it actually takes to live in alignment. Each episode challenges the culture of borrowed answers and outsourced authority, replacing it with better questions, somatic awareness, and earned — not inherited — direction. If you're tired of advice that doesn't hold up under your own life, this is the show that hands the authority back to you. Topics we explore: self-trust, personal transformation, nervous system regulation, somatic healing, mindset shift, emotional resilience, authentic leadership, boundaries, self-worth, decision-making, embodiment, psychological insight, living in alignment, coaching, personal growth. New episodes weekly. Real conversations. No outsourced wisdom. 🎙️ Follow Pam: pamrader.com | IG @pamrader | YouTube @coachpamrader 🌿 Follow Erin: erinpayne.ca | IG @erin_payne ✨ Join the waitlist for the Grit & Grace Retreat: pamrader.com/gritandgrace 🎓 Become the Catalyst — our 6-month coaching certification — launches Fall 2026

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