Backwater Bastards: An Actual Play Podcast

Backwater Bastards | Realm
  • 5.0 (1)
  • SCIENCE FICTION
  • UPDATED BIWEEKLY

A team of artists telling THE GREATEST BEST FRIEND STORY that the galaxy has ever seen! While everybody else is out saving the world, we’re just trying to find the next best place to eat. Join us on our haphazard adventure.

  1. FEB 12

    The Queen Bee feat Bodie of Slowquest

    The Bastards, the robbers, and their hitchhiking friend Yorp are trapped in the Big Momma Fishing shop. Fortunately they’ve taken the shopkeeper hostage and discover a mysterious powder, which diffuses the situation. (Not.) As negotiations unravel, Yorp calls in a favor from the strange vessel he’s been mumbling to, and a whole swarm of his friends arrive to smooth things over. (Sort of.) At the end of the day, all that really matters is that everybody ate, Cleo’s got clean pants, Yorp’s mission is intact, and The Bastards have a ship full of apocalyptic bioweapons and a renewed dream of a free MidSpace… For everyone. Starring: DM Dick Dynamite the Dungeon Master -- ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Richard Kimber-Bell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Cleo deCap / M8 -- ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Taylor van Biljon⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Dr Ze/Doctor Zafrey Elektra --⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠Daniel Matthews⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Yorp -- ⁠Bodie⁠ Episode art by ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Bodie⁠ Ambiance sound support by ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Jamie Nord⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Michaël Ghelfi⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Synth Music Karl Casey @ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠White Bat Audio⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Episode Edit / Sound design by Daniel Matthews Distributed by ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Realm⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ - Send inquiries and fanart to backwaterbastards@gmail.com Support the show and gain access to extra content by joining our ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Patreon⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/Backwaterbastards⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ If you love what you hear, share us with a friend! Find everything else on our website at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.backwaterbastards.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Join our Discord⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    1h 51m
  2. The Slowest Quest feat Bodie of Slowquest

    JAN 29

    The Slowest Quest feat Bodie of Slowquest

    Nobody likes shopping. But it’s worse when you’re in someone else’s body. On the run, low on supplies, and badly in need of a reset, the Bastards hit a station to shop. Cleo needs clothes. Everyone needs a break. Instead, they find subpar fishing merch, a hitchhiker, and a whole lot of eye contact from two shifty strangers. But hey! At least they made a new friend… Starring: DM Dick Dynamite the Dungeon Master -- ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Richard Kimber-Bell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Cleo deCap / M8 -- ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Taylor van Biljon⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Dr Ze/Doctor Zafrey Elektra --⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠Daniel Matthews⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Yorp -- Bodie Episode art by ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Bodie Ambiance sound support by ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Jamie Nord⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Michaël Ghelfi⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Synth Music Karl Casey @ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠White Bat Audio⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Episode Edit / Sound design by Daniel Matthews Distributed by ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Realm⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ - Send inquiries and fanart to backwaterbastards@gmail.com Support the show and gain access to extra content by joining our ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Patreon⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/Backwaterbastards⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ If you love what you hear, share us with a friend! Find everything else on our website at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.backwaterbastards.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Join our Discord⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    1h 23m
  3. The Empress’s New Clothes

    JAN 15

    The Empress’s New Clothes

    There has never been a time that the Bastards needed to go shopping more than today. Well, there may have been a few times- but this is a big one. Cleo has not come out of her room for days and days, and she has nothing to wear. She has been in the Ursine for so long. The whole ship is uneasy. There are villains at large. The galaxy is in flux, and there are a thousand loose threads. But today, we shop. Starring: DM Dick Dynamite the Dungeon Master -- ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Richard Kimber-Bell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Cleo deCap / M8 -- ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Taylor van Biljon⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Dr Ze/Doctor Zafrey Elektra --⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠Daniel Matthews⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Vache de Mer --  ⁠⁠⁠⁠Fiona K.T. Howat⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ The Nine Blades -- ⁠⁠⁠⁠Hamilton⁠⁠⁠⁠ Fronn -- Whiskey Episode art by ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠KtuluRob Ambiance sound support by ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Jamie Nord⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Michaël Ghelfi⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Synth Music Karl Casey @ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠White Bat Audio⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Episode Edit / Sound design by Daniel Matthews Distributed by ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Realm⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ - Send inquiries and fanart to backwaterbastards@gmail.com Support the show and gain access to extra content by joining our ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Patreon⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/Backwaterbastards⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ If you love what you hear, share us with a friend! Find everything else on our website at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.backwaterbastards.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Join our Discord⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    1h 16m
  4. Damage

    12/18/2025

    Damage

    The fight is over. One by one our rescuers find each other again. Boris, Fron and Bortis leave a grim discovery behind them, while Vache and Nine Blades realize a new mission. At the last moment, Dr. Ze hears Cleo in the darkness. The whole party is back together, so many foes have been bested, and they have their heading… …but the damage has been done. Starring: DM Dick Dynamite the Dungeon Master -- ⁠⁠⁠⁠Richard Kimber-Bell⁠⁠⁠⁠ Cleo deCap / M8 -- ⁠⁠⁠⁠Taylor van Biljon⁠⁠⁠⁠ Dr Ze/Doctor Zafrey Elektra --⁠⁠⁠ ⁠Daniel Matthews⁠⁠⁠⁠ Vache de Mer --  ⁠⁠⁠Fiona K.T. Howat⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ The Nine Blades -- ⁠⁠⁠Hamilton⁠⁠⁠ Fronn -- Whiskey Episode art by ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Skia Ambiance sound support by ⁠⁠⁠⁠Jamie Nord⁠⁠⁠⁠ and ⁠⁠⁠⁠Michaël Ghelfi⁠⁠⁠⁠ Synth Music Karl Casey @ ⁠⁠⁠⁠White Bat Audio⁠⁠⁠⁠ Episode Edit / Sound design by Daniel Matthews Distributed by ⁠⁠⁠⁠Realm⁠⁠⁠⁠ - Send inquiries and fanart to backwaterbastards@gmail.com Support the show and gain access to extra content by joining our ⁠⁠⁠⁠Patreon⁠⁠⁠⁠: ⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/Backwaterbastards⁠⁠⁠⁠ If you love what you hear, share us with a friend! Find everything else on our website at ⁠⁠⁠⁠www.backwaterbastards.com⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Join our Discord⁠⁠⁠⁠! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    1h 28m
  5. Best friends friends

    11/19/2025

    Best friends friends

    When the going gets tough, the tough split the party. (…Right?) The hunt for Cleo continues, as the Cap/Bastard rescue squad spreads through the BioLife flagship like a handful of subpar nanites. Ze kicks us off by taking one for the universe by locking himself in with Robin to both protect the party, and gather intel. Together, they discover that Robin is not the only big fish in this pond. While Ze goes brain to brain with a fellow brain, Bortis, Boris, and Fron come together to form the Best Friends Force (BFF). Or is it Best Friend’s Friends? Either way, they’re in the vents and they’re fueled by the undeniable power of friendship, which might be the strongest bet we’ve got. Vache, Nine Blades and Margo on the other hand, go for a distraction maneuver, leaving them to stumble upon a certain high level manager all on their lonesome... All the while Cleo is fighting against the clock for her life. Move your big toe, damnit! Starring: DM Dick Dynamite the Dungeon Master -- ⁠⁠⁠Richard Kimber-Bell⁠⁠⁠ Cleo deCap / M8 -- ⁠⁠⁠Taylor van Biljon⁠⁠⁠ Dr Ze/Doctor Zafrey Elektra --⁠⁠ ⁠Daniel Matthews⁠⁠⁠ Vache de Mer --  ⁠⁠Fiona K.T. Howat⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ The Nine Blades -- ⁠⁠Hamilton⁠⁠ Fronn -- Whiskey Episode art by ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Whiskey Ambiance sound support by ⁠⁠⁠Jamie Nord⁠⁠⁠ and ⁠⁠⁠Michaël Ghelfi⁠⁠⁠ Synth Music Karl Casey @ ⁠⁠⁠White Bat Audio⁠⁠⁠ Episode Edit / Sound design by Daniel Matthews Distributed by ⁠⁠⁠Realm⁠⁠⁠ - Send inquiries and fanart to backwaterbastards@gmail.com Support the show and gain access to extra content by joining our ⁠⁠⁠Patreon⁠⁠⁠: ⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/Backwaterbastards⁠⁠⁠ If you love what you hear, share us with a friend! Find everything else on our website at ⁠⁠⁠www.backwaterbastards.com⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠Join our Discord⁠⁠⁠! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    1h 32m
  6. An eerie presence feat. Fiona K. T. Howat and Hamilton

    10/23/2025

    An eerie presence feat. Fiona K. T. Howat and Hamilton

    The plan is working, and our crew is aboard the BioLife ship, where wave after wave of guards welcome them. It's the fastest slow going you could hope for, while Boris, Trevor, Dr. Ze, The Nine Blades and Vache fight to clear the halls, and our Cleo fights to stay alive. Every BioLife lackey between the rescue team and Cleo is a bag of extracted blood, a few million nanites, a last minute stalling tactic. Regardless, our rescuers have boarded, and it's enough work to stay alive. There is no time to stop and consider the small pull at the edge of their minds... An eerie presence somewhere in the ship. There is something more dangerous than just soldiers here. Starring: DM Dick Dynamite the Dungeon Master -- ⁠⁠Richard Kimber-Bell⁠⁠ Cleo deCap / M8 -- ⁠⁠Taylor van Biljon⁠⁠ Dr Ze/Doctor Zafrey Elektra --⁠ ⁠Daniel Matthews⁠⁠ Vache de Mer --  ⁠Fiona K.T. Howat⁠⁠⁠⁠ The Nine Blades -- ⁠Hamilton⁠ Fronn -- Whiskey Episode art by ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Hamilton⁠ Ambiance sound support by ⁠⁠Jamie Nord⁠⁠ and ⁠⁠Michaël Ghelfi⁠⁠ Synth Music Karl Casey @ ⁠⁠White Bat Audio⁠⁠ Episode Edit / Sound design by Daniel Matthews Distributed by ⁠⁠Realm⁠⁠ - Send inquiries and fanart to backwaterbastards@gmail.com Support the show and gain access to extra content by joining our ⁠⁠Patreon⁠⁠: ⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/Backwaterbastards⁠⁠ If you love what you hear, share us with a friend! Find everything else on our website at ⁠⁠www.backwaterbastards.com⁠⁠ ⁠⁠Join our Discord⁠⁠! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    1h 17m
  7. Surprise Surprise feat. Fiona K. T. Howat and Hamilton

    09/27/2025

    Surprise Surprise feat. Fiona K. T. Howat and Hamilton

    The Caps, The remaining Bastards, and… Margo’s BioLife escapee friends, are teaming up to bring back Cleo. Vache de Mer and The Nine Blades have been captured by BioLife almost more times than they can count. (They are after all, remnants of experiments failed.) Which is why they’re Margo’s ticket to stealthily finding the BioLife stronghold that’s holding Cleo. The plan is airtight. Set a trap, lay the bait, wait for capture- and send the whole dang team in to infiltrate. All we need is for the right interstellar space corporation to drive by. Sure hope the fish are bitin’. Starring: DM Dick Dynamite the Dungeon Master -- ⁠Richard Kimber-Bell⁠ Cleo deCap / M8 -- ⁠Taylor van Biljon⁠ Dr Ze/Doctor Zafrey Elektra -- ⁠Daniel Matthews⁠ Vache de Mer --  Fiona K.T. Howat⁠ The Nine Blades -- Hamilton Fronn -- Whiskey Episode art by ⁠⁠⁠⁠Skia Ambiance sound support by ⁠Jamie Nord⁠ and ⁠Michaël Ghelfi⁠ Synth Music Karl Casey @ ⁠White Bat Audio⁠ Episode Edit / Sound design by Daniel Matthews Distributed by ⁠Realm⁠ - Send inquiries and fanart to backwaterbastards@gmail.com Support the show and gain access to extra content by joining our ⁠Patreon⁠: ⁠https://www.patreon.com/Backwaterbastards⁠ If you love what you hear, share us with a friend! Find everything else on our website at ⁠www.backwaterbastards.com⁠ ⁠Join our Discord⁠! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    1h 23m
  8. Short Stories | Robin

    09/10/2025 · BONUS

    Short Stories | Robin

    Cleo and Robin almost made it. Together they saw the light at the end of the proverbial BioLife hallway. But of course, that was the plan. The scientists bring Robin into Cleo’s cell for one last chat, hoping to wring out the last of their secrets before they eke out the last of her nanites. There can’t be much left, now. Just about a seed’s worth, if anything at all. Season 4 is finally here after a big break, and we are bringing you in smooth! This is the second of a collection of short stories, meant to recap the events up to the opening of Season 4. Starring: DM Dick Dynamite the Dungeon Master -- ⁠⁠⁠Richard Kimber-Bell⁠⁠⁠ Cleo deCap / M8 -- ⁠⁠⁠Taylor van Biljon⁠⁠⁠ Dr Ze/Doctor Zafrey Elektra -- ⁠⁠⁠Daniel Matthews⁠⁠⁠ Episode art by ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Whiskey Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

    8 min
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A team of artists telling THE GREATEST BEST FRIEND STORY that the galaxy has ever seen! While everybody else is out saving the world, we’re just trying to find the next best place to eat. Join us on our haphazard adventure.

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