Lights On with Carl Lentz

B-Side

Lights On with Carl Lentz is exactly what this show is. Carl Lentz is turning on the lights in his own life, & giving people space to do the same. We will lead with vulnerability, & have open conversations to bring light to the inner darkness in our lives. Turn on the lights with us!

  1. 6d ago

    How do you rebuild intimacy after betrayal?

    Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com This is the number one question Carl and Laura get asked, so they finally gave it a whole episode. A listener wrote in asking how you rebuild intimacy when sex, touch, and closeness have all become wired to pain, pressure, and fear. Underneath it sat the question almost nobody says out loud: will we ever have sex again? In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura get honest about why intimacy after betrayal breaks down so fast, and why the problem is almost never that the intimacy disappeared. It's that the order got destroyed. They walk through what Laura calls the architecture of intimacy, the healthy sequence real connection actually flows through, and the broken version that quietly pushes couples toward divorce or a lonely marriage they never had to end up in. You'll hear why pressure is the one thing that shuts a nervous system down completely, why the price tag for future intimacy is elite patience, and why becoming a student of your spouse's nervous system will do more than any romantic gesture ever could. Carl gets blunt with the men still leading with "but I have needs." Laura speaks directly to the women carrying comparison, fear, and the quiet belief that they should want intimacy by now. Stay for the follow the order checklist, a set of questions you can actually take to dinner this week, the truth about why women trust patterns and not emotion, and the two words that change everything for a man trying to rebuild: build stability. Whether you're walking through repair or you just want a marriage that's more alive than it's ever been, this conversation is built to give you order, and order brings peace. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ Chapters: 0:32 - Welcome 2:50 - Will We Ever Have Sex Again? 3:41 - What We Can Actually Help With Today 4:56 - The Biggest Mistake Couples Make After Betrayal 5:41 - There Is an Order to Repairing Broken Trust 7:03 - The Architecture of Intimacy 8:12 - The Healthy Order: Safety → Connection → Security → Desire 9:42 - The Broken Order & Where It Leads 11:10 - God Behind Bars 11:43 - The Problem Is the Order Got Destroyed, Not That Intimacy Is Gone 13:19 - You're Not Broken, You're Not Rejected — You're Out of Order 14:25 - Don't Make This About You 17:10 - The #1 Thing Women Say Makes Intimacy So Hard: Pressure 18:34 - You Can Have Intimacy Again, But It'll Cost You Patience 20:45 - BetterHelp 21:45 - What About Husbands Who've Done the Work But She's Not Moving? 22:16 - Wanting Sex Isn't Wrong — Demanding It Is 23:11 - Stop Trying to Be Romantic. Become a Student of Her Nervous System 25:29 - It Does Help to Be Handsome — But Stability Is More Attractive 27:05 - A Wife Has Never Left a Kind Man. Ever. 28:03 - Carl Asks Laura: What Actually Healed You? 29:02 - Desire Returns Through Safety, Not Timelines 31:03 - Wonder Project 32:07 - What's Actually Going On Inside the Woman You Betrayed 33:47 - Patience Is a Skill & the Impatient Man Caused This Problem 34:17 - Delaying Gratification Speaks Volumes to Her 34:43 - You Cannot Pray Your Way Out of Hard Work 37:08 - Two Words Every Man Needs: Build Stability 40:34 - The Woman Can Break the Order. You Cannot. 42:20 - Follow the Order Checklist 43:46 - Policy Genius 44:58 - Have We Removed Pressure From the Intimacy Conversation? 45:45 - Are We Building Connection Outside the Bedroom? 46:41 - More Stable or Just More Apologetic? 47:31 - Are We Creating New Experiences or Only Processing Pain? 48:35 - Do We Understand Each Other's Nervous System Better? 48:59 - Real Life: Laura Loses It After Moving Kids Home 50:14 - Have We Become More Honest This Week? 51:05 - Don't Crush Him for Being Honest See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

    56 min

  2. May 18

    How do you parent your kids when you feel disqualified?

    Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com When a parent emailed asking how to discipline their kids after blowing up the family, we knew this conversation needed its own episode. Their question went deeper than discipline though. It was about authority. How do you lead your kids when you feel completely disqualified? And how do you stabilize their nervous system when yours is barely holding together? In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura sit with the parent who knows the unique pain of trying to show up for their kids after wrecking the very thing that was supposed to make them feel safe. They walk through three pillars that have carried their own family through six years of repair: posture, honesty, and confidence. None of them are what most people assume they are. You'll hear why your kids don't lose respect when you fail, they lose it when you pretend you didn't. Why removing discipline out of guilt actually steals the safety your children are craving most. Why secrecy "to protect them" usually does the opposite, and what the merry-go-round study reveals about the boundaries kids actually need. Carl gets honest about the dad voice that had to be retired and the one that took its place. Laura speaks directly to the betrayed spouse navigating their own version of this, and why the temptation to triangulate with your kids is one of the most costly choices a parent can make. Stay for the lighthouse metaphor, the turbulence-on-a-plane illustration that will change the way you talk to your kids about hard things, and the honest truth about how we tagged in and tagged out on the days neither of them had anything left to give. If you're parenting through repair, or watching someone you love try to, this one is for you. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ Chapters: 0:00 - Intro 0:41 - Welcome & Episode Overview 1:25 - Book Announcement & How to Reach the Show 1:59 - The email 2:46 - Why This Moment Can Go Right or Wrong 3:45 - The 3 Keys: Posture, Honesty & Confidence 3:56 - What "Posture" Actually Means 4:26 - Wrong Posture: "I'm Still the Parent, Do What I Say" 5:01 - Right Posture: Own It, Repair It, Show Up Every Day 5:49 - Kids Lose Respect When You Pretend Nothing Happened 6:20 - The Guilt Trap: Why Discipline Can't Disappear 7:03 - Removing Discipline Removes Safety 7:49 - What Discipline Actually Sounds Like Now 8:46 - Holding the Line Consistently Rebuilds Trust 9:32 - Being Firm AND Humble at the Same Time 10:51 - God Behind Bars 11:24 - Correct With Empathy, Not Just Authority 12:16 - Discipline From Responsibility, Not Guilt 13:32 - Honesty — Why Parents Get This Wrong 14:18 - Silence Seeds More Instability (Real Story: Charlie) 16:00 - The Pattern You're Setting Without Knowing It 17:16 - What Honesty Actually Looks Like (Without Oversharing) 18:25 - BetterHelp 19:25 - Pushback: "I Don't Want to Break My Kid's Heart" 20:28 - Sample Language to Use With Your Kids 21:21 - The Fence Study: Why Kids Need Boundaries 22:09 - Secrecy Destroys Trust 22:33 - Turbulence Analogy: Be the Pilot, Not the Silence 23:30 - The Cost of Waiting Too Long to Be Honest 25:06 - Confidence — The Stabilizer 26:47 - The Betrayed Spouse's Crucial Role 27:26 - Wonder Project 28:30 - Don't Put Kids in the Middle 29:20 - Kids Will Be Angry, Test You, and Lose Trust — That's Normal 29:49 - Your Job: Stay Consistent, Not Control Their Reaction 30:56 - The Spouse's Rôle: Supporting Rebuilding 31:43 - When Kids Push Back: Simple Language That Works 33:04 - Find a Safe Outlet — Don't Dump on Your Kids 33:40 - The Lighthouse Dad Analogy 34:46 - Policy Genius 35:56 - How Did You Stabilize the Kids When You Were Unstable? 37:44 - Progress Isn't Linear — Good Days, Bad Days, Keep Going 38:09 - More Clinical Help on Kids' Nervous Systems Is Coming 38:47 - Final Encouragement: Recap of Posture, Honesty & Confidence 40:20 - Outro & How to Reach the Show See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

    40 min

  3. May 11

    How Do You Know When FORGIVENESS Is REAL?

    Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com When a husband emailed asking why his wife still brings up his affair every week, three years after it happened, even though she says she has forgiven him, we knew this conversation was going to land for a lot of people. His question was simple and brave: am I allowed to ask for more? And underneath it sits the question nobody wants to say out loud. What's the difference between a spouse who is genuinely still healing, and a spouse who is using the past as a weapon? In this episode of Lights On, We got into the full timeline of recovery after betrayal: the early trauma phase, the processing phase, and the long rebuilding phase that doesn't end the way most couples expect. We explain why "time heals all wounds" is one of the worst lies ever sold, why some marriages get stuck in what they call a hostage crisis, and how to tell the difference between healing pain and recycled pain. You'll hear the sponge metaphor that has helped more couples than we can count. The guardrails every rebuilding marriage needs. The hard truth for women who say they want a strong man back while still breaking him down daily. And the even harder truth for men who keep leading with "don't I have the right" instead of "I'm choosing to own this." Whether you're three months in, three years in, or quietly sitting in pain longer than you want to admit, this episode is built to give you clarity. Because clarity is the thing that brings the power back into the room. We closed with the three choices every couple has to make: heal, heal together, or heal separately. The only option that doesn't exist is no plan. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ Chapters: 0:00 - Intro 2:38 - Welcome 3:27 - The Email — "She Says She Forgave Me But Her Actions Say Otherwise" 4:18 - Are You Allowed to Ask for More? 5:45 - What You Lose the Right to Ask 6:34 - You Still Deserve Basic Dignity 7:56 - Where Is This Marriage Going? 8:37 - When She Stays But Won't Heal 9:07 - The Healing Timeline Explained 10:28 - Phase 1 — Chaos (0–3 Months) 11:04 - God Behind Bars 11:36 - Phase 2 — Processing (3–12 Months) 12:05 - Phase 3 — Rebuilding (1–2 Years+) 13:04 - Why "Time Heals All Wounds" Is a Lie 18:18 - BetterHelp 19:18 - What Real Healing Actually Looks Like 21:45 - The Sponge Analogy 23:08 - Using the Past as a Weapon vs. Processing It 24:38 - You Never Have to Forget 25:13 - The Ground Rules That Keep You Both Safe 27:25 - How Your Words Are Building or Destroying Your Husband 28:49 - Wonder Project 29:53 - Stop Being Vague About How You're Healing 31:12 - Getting Clear About Intimacy 32:50 - How Do You Know Someone Is Actually Healing? 33:04 - When Therapy Makes Things Worse 35:29 - She's Not Cold. She's Firm. 36:52 - Policy Genius 38:02 - Forgiveness and Rebuilding Are Not the Same Thing 38:31 - The Posture Every Husband Needs Right Now 39:55 - You Have to Learn to Meet Your Own Needs 41:23 - Stop Leading With "Don't I Have Rights?" 43:03 - Six Years Later — It Still Shows Up 44:58 - The Three Choices Every Couple Has to Make 46:56 - Are You Choosing to Heal Today? 48:04 - Outro See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

    48 min

  4. May 4

    Ambition or Family? You're asking the WRONG question | ft. Ruslan KD

    Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com This episode explores the tension between "be the light of the world" and "live a quiet life" - and why both can coexist in the same calling. Carl sits down with Ruslan Alkhouri, the Armenian refugee turned seven-figure media entrepreneur, about faithfulness before platform, godly ambition versus worldly fame, and why implementation always beats information. The conversation covers twenty years of faithful local service that nobody saw, how God breathed on Ruslan's YouTube platform during the pandemic, and the controversial topic of wealth in ministry. You'll hear why your assignment is seasonal but your purpose is constant, and why you can't change people no matter how hard you try. If you're wrestling with how to build something meaningful without losing your soul, or wondering whether your current season of faithfulness will ever lead to breakthrough, this conversation was made for you. Follow Carl at: instagram.com/carllentz Follow Laura at: instagram.com/lauralentz Follow Ruslan at: instagram.com/ruslankd Supported by Wonder Project https://www.thewonderproject.com/ Supported by God Behind Bars https://www.godbehindbars.com/ Supported by Policy Genius https://www.policygenius.com/ Supported by Better Help https://www.betterhelp.com/ Chapters: 0:00 – Intro Highlights 0:56 – Meet the Guest: Ruslan 1:41 – From Armenian Refugee to Gangster Culture 4:35 – Finding Faith & Surrendering His Life 5:18 – 20 Years of Serving Quietly Before the Platform 7:30 – Shifting Away from Call-Out Culture 9:30 – Wonder Project (Sponsor) 10:35 – Getting Under Healthy Leadership at Rhythm Church 13:05 – Did He Feel Behind? The Engine of Godly Ambition 21:03 – God Behind Bars (Sponsor) 21:35 – Who Is This Book For? 29:39 – Policy Genius (Sponsor) 30:49 – Ambition Is Evil… Or Is It? 32:08 – The Comparison Trap & Social Media Lies 34:18 – "Live a Quiet Life" – The Most Misused Scripture 36:32 – The State of Culture: Distrust in Institutions 43:00 – Purpose Is Constant, Assignment Is Seasonal 45:31 – Small Habits Build Great Men 46:41 – BetterHelp (Sponsor) 47:41 – What You Do ≠ Who You Are 51:05 – Talent Stacking: Nothing Is Wasted 53:03 – Biblical Financial Literacy & The Missing Conversation 58:30 – Generosity Is a State of Mind 1:03:34 – Closing: The Book & Final Words See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

    1h 4m

  5. Apr 27

    How Do You Parent Kids Through Marriage Trauma?

    Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com When a mom of three teenage boys emailed us asking how to lead her family through the aftermath of her husband's betrayal, we knew this conversation needed its own episode. Her oldest son has gone cold. The anger is hardening. The whole family is weary. And she's wondering if the work she and her husband are doing will ever be enough to reach the kids who didn't choose any of this. In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura sit with the question every couple in recovery eventually has to face: how do you parent well while your kids are still reacting to something you created? Drawing from six years on this road with their own three children, they reframe the question entirely, walk through what the adolescent brain is actually capable of processing, and offer five principles that have carried their family through layered, lagging, multi-year healing. You'll hear why the most dangerous timeline in family recovery is the one in your head. Why your son's anger is not his final form. Why "show me, don't tell me" is the only currency teenagers will spend. And why the goal isn't to win your kids back, it's to become so steady, so safe, and so full of life that the ice has no choice but to melt. If you're a parent in the thick of repair work, or you're watching someone you love try to lead a family through the consequences of a hard year, this one was written for you. Carl gets honest about shame, consistency, and the moments his own kids have caught him still mirroring their pain. Laura speaks directly to the fear underneath your child's reactions: they didn't just lose trust in you, they lost trust in life itself. Stay for the metaphors that will outlast the episode (the garden, the ice block, the leaking roof) and the reminder that you are not behind. You are right on time. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ Supported by Wonder Project https://www.amazon.com/gp/video/offers/ref=atv_3p_amz_c_CDvZ9m_1_1?benefitId=wonderprojectus CHAPTERS: 0:00 Intro 0:58 Welcome to Lights On 1:00 The Listener's Email 2:51 The Family's Story 4:24 Why This Episode Matters 5:11 Reframing the Question 7:07 How Kids Process Betrayal 8:00 Children Heal on Their Own Timeline 10:13 The 5 Principles 11:01 Resetting Expectations 13:08 Principle 1: Don't Mirror Your Kids 18:07 The Garden Mindset 20:03 When Shame Tries to Win 21:34 They Lost Trust in Life 24:17 Leading When They're Not Okay 25:00 One Day at a Time 29:03 Answer Pain with Patience 30:28 Your Calm Heals Them 31:58 Show the Repair 34:04 Holding the Line with Grace 35:20 Keep Encouraging Therapy 36:44 Principle 2: Anger Isn't Their Final Form 38:35 Principle 3: You Can't Rush Trust 40:06 Do It Because You're Healthy 40:58 Control Your Consistency, Not Them 41:19 Principle 4: Lead by Example 43:10 Kids Notice Everything 44:25 Let Them See the Repair 45:03 Repair in Front of Them 46:47 Principle 5: Heat, Not Pressure 48:00 Creating Safety Over Time 49:20 Don't Give Up 49:54 Outro & Sponsors See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

    51 min

  6. Apr 20

    50 Pills a Day. 15 Years Sober. Here's What Changed.

    If you or someone you love is trapped in addiction and you've run out of answers, call Hope Is Alive at 1-844-3-HOPE-NOW or visit hopeisalive.net In this honest and hope-filled episode of Lights On, Carl Lentz sits down with Lance Lang — pastor's kid turned 50-pill-a-day addict turned founder of Hope Is Alive — for a conversation that will change the way you see addiction forever. Lance breaks down the moment he hit rock bottom, why addiction doesn't care about your last name, your bank account, or your upbringing, and how one full confession in his uncle's office on April 6th, 2011 became the first day of the rest of his life. Carl and Lance dismantle the stigma that rehab is for people who've lost everything, explain why explanations are not excuses but tools, and make the case that sobriety is not a surrender — it's a superpower. From the lie that you're too busy to get help, to the three things every family member of an addict needs to hear, to why the cost of not going is always greater than the cost of going, this episode is a lifeline for anyone who's been waiting for a sign. Whether you're the one struggling in silence, the spouse who's tried everything, or the parent sitting in a pew next to someone who's carrying the same secret you are — this is your moment. Drawing from 23 years of marriage and their own journey through betrayal, rebuilding, and recovery, Carl and Laura created Lights On to bring light to the areas of life where we need it most. If this episode gave you hope or you're ready to take the next step, don't wait. Call Hope Is Alive at 1-844-3-HOPE-NOW or visit hopeisalive.net Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Lance at: hopeisalive.net Hope Is Alive: hopeisalive.net Supported by God Behind Bars - https://godbehindbars.com Supported by Plana - https://plana.org/ CHAPTERS: 0:00 - Welcome to Lights On 1:56 - Lance Lang: Pastor's Kid, Drug Addict, Founder 3:56 - Addiction Doesn't Discriminate 8:39 - Rock Bottom: 50 Pills a Day 9:55 - The First Full Confession 10:27 - 90 Days That Changed Everything 13:53 - God Behind Bars Partnership 16:00 - What People Get Wrong About Addiction 21:05 - Explanations Are Not Excuses 23:18 - Remove the Stigma From Rehab 25:29 - Hope Is Alive: Recovery Done Differently 31:01 - Finding Hope: Support Groups for Families 33:15 - You're Not Alone. It's Not Your Fault. There Is Hope. 40:21 - Plana Partnership 41:02 - Sobriety Is Your Superpower 43:49 - Recovery Is Not Just Sobriety — It's Identity 46:23 - Try the Drug Called Hope 47:54 - How to Call Hope Is Alive Right Now 49:25 - A Word to the Addict Listening See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

    53 min

  7. Apr 10

    Can Trust Be Rebuilt When Your Partner Keeps Letting You Down?

    Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura answer three listener questions that keep circling the same uncomfortable truth: good intentions are not the same as real work. And the people you love can feel the difference. The first question comes from a couple on the other side of a hard season. They are doing well, on the same page, and they want to know what easy, non-heavy things actually help a marriage reconnect. Carl and Laura break down the Treasure Walk, a simple but intentional 20 minute practice that changed the way they communicate. The rule is straightforward. The other person is the treasure chest. Your only job is to find out what is in there. They also get into why fun is not optional during rebuilding seasons, why pickleball almost ended their marriage, and what it actually means to make your relationship a stated priority versus a real one. The second question comes from a man who fought hard to save his marriage after his wife had an affair with someone in their own spiritual community. They divorced. She remarried. He is now engaged to someone incredible. And he is still carrying the weight of what he lost. His fiancee is asking whether he is fully healed. His honest answer is that he does not know. Carl walks him through what he calls the position switch, the difference between grieving what you cannot change and investing in what is right in front of you. Grief is a signal, not a home. And what you stop feeding will eventually stop running your life. The third question is the one the whole episode builds toward. A woman who was betrayed and abused. She left, moved countries, committed to two full years of consistent therapy work and has seen real transformation in herself. Her husband followed. His effort has been on and off, starting and stopping therapy depending on his mood or who he is around. Now there is pressure to reconcile and move back in together, and she is being asked to treat his inconsistent effort as equivalent to hers. Carl is direct: the betrayer does not get to drive the car of the new chapter. He then reads, for the first time since receiving it, the letter his therapist wrote him after five years of showing up every single Tuesday night for two and a half hours. What consistency actually looks like in the long run. What it costs. And what it builds that nothing else can. This episode is for anyone who has confused presence with progress, or mistaken tears and intentions for evidence. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ Supported by Wonder Project https://www.amazon.com/gp/video/offers/ref=atv_3p_amz_c_CDvZ9m_1_1?benefitId=wonderprojectus See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

    47 min

  8. Apr 1

    Why Willpower Never Beats Addiction. And What Actually Does. | FT Blaine Bartell

    If you're a man trapped in a cycle of pornography and shame, email us at hello@carlandlaura.com In this raw and practical episode of Lights On, Carl Lentz brings back Blaine Bartell for a conversation built for the man who has tried everything and still can't break free. Blaine, founder of House of Resurrection and a man who lost everything to 23 years of sexual addiction, breaks down the exact system that keeps men stuck: the addiction cycle of trigger, crave, cave, and payoff. But more importantly, he reveals the freedom cycle that saved his life and can save yours. Carl and Blaine dismantle the myth that willpower and accountability partners are enough, explain why advocacy and brotherhood heal what policing never could, and give you a step by step playbook you can start today. From the Swiss cheese method of stacking recovery layers to why you don't stop something by stopping something, this episode is a lifeline for any man ready to fight a broken system with a better one. Whether you struggle in silence, love someone who does, or pastor men who will never tell you the truth, this is your blueprint for building a life with nothing to hide. Drawing from 23 years of marriage and their own journey through betrayal, rebuilding, and recovery, Carl and Laura created Lights On to bring light to the areas of life where we need it most. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Blaine at: https://blainebartell.com/ House of Resurrection: https://houseofres.life Supported by God Behind Bars - https://godbehindbars.com Supported by Plana - https://plana.org/ See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

    52 min
See All (97)

Hosts & Guests

4.8
out of 5
769 Ratings

About

Lights On with Carl Lentz is exactly what this show is. Carl Lentz is turning on the lights in his own life, & giving people space to do the same. We will lead with vulnerability, & have open conversations to bring light to the inner darkness in our lives. Turn on the lights with us!

Information

  • Creator
    B-Side
  • Years Active
    2024 - 2026
  • Episodes
    97
  • Rating
    Clean
  • Copyright
    © Copyright 2024 All rights reserved.
  • Show Website
    Lights On with Carl Lentz

You Might Also Like