The Vigilante Cannibal Nun as Agony Aunt

Carol Murphy
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The Vigilante Cannibal Nun as Agony Aunt is a fictional comedy horror SCI FI podcast. Every Tuesday, your host, The Vigilante Cannibal Nun, the living dead, reads two letters from our emotionally ill-fettered listeners, salivates over their problems, and vomits up solutions, at their expense and for everyone else’s pleasure. The Vigilante Cannibal Nun is a sin eater, well equipped to solve a little emotional problem or two, with victims sending in their letters from across time and space, cutting through all categories of Horror and SCI FI genre. Each episode is roughly 10 minutes in length. Who is The Vigilante Cannibal Nun? Maggie Murtagh, otherwise known as The Vigilante Cannibal Nun, was born of the imagination of the artist Carol Murphy. Her story is told in a series of Murphy’s verse-driven performance films called The Body & Blood, launched here at the beginning of 2022 and performed in a UK and Irish theatre tour in 2023. In The Body & Blood, Maggie Murtagh is a young Irish Country Girl who transmogrifies into The Vigilante Cannibal Nun during the Irish Famine, after the death of her family. She steals from the rich to give to the starving poor, eats the colonisers, and destroys her soul. She is the living dead.

  1. 09/16/2025

    Episode 52: This Is Not The End My P'Ugly Fiend

    I howl like the wolf not because I have been on the deadly nightshade or any other fleur du mal but because this is the last episode, for the time being, lets call it an hiatus, of this fictional comedy horror SCI FI podcast, where, every Tuesday, I read two letters from our horrifically challenged and off their rocker listeners, then ridicule their problems at their expense and for everyone else’s pleasure, hi. I will be going through some of the best of the demented letters from the last year and some of my equally limbo infested responses. Welcome to episode 52, This is Not The End, My P’Ugly Fiend. And this is going to be the longest episode of the year! So ENJOY…..folks and folkettes…. REFERENCES CAROL MURPHY -https://www.instagram.com/thevigilantecannibalnun/ THE BODY & BLOOD – https://www.thebodyandblood.co.uk GHOULS ON FILM - https://www.ghoulsonfilmbelfast.com  THE RANTERS - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ranters THE DIGGERS - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diggers THE QUAKERS - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quakers PIERROT LE FOU - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pierrot_le_Fou MARLON BRANDO - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marlon_Brando THE WILD ONE - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Wild_One QUAKER OATS - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quaker_Oats_Company BELUGA CAVIAR - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beluga_caviar PIERCE BROSNAN - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pierce_Brosnan THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Andromeda_Strain_(film) DRACULA - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dracula WHITBY - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whitby CRONENBERG - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Cronenberg THE OWL AND THE P***Y CAT - https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/43188/the-owl-and-the-p***y-cat MYXOMATOSIS - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myxomatosis MAC THE KNIFE - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mack_the_Knife BORN TO BE WILD - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Born_to_Be_Wild THE SECRET LIFE OF ORANGUTANS - https://silverbackfilms.tv/shows/secret-lives-of-orangutans/ THE MUPPETS - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Muppets CHARLIE BROWN - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlie_Brown KENNY EVERETT - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenny_Everett ROD STEWART - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rod_Stewart MING THE MERCILESS - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ming_the_Merciless AMY WHITEHOUSE - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amy_Winehouse MAX VON SYDOW - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Max_von_Sydow FLASH GORDON - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flash_Gordon INGMAR BERGMAN - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ingmar_Bergman WINTER LIGHT - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Winter_Light DICK DASTARDLY - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dick_Dastardly PENELOPE PITSOP - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penelope_Pitstop WOODY ALLEN - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Woody_Allen HANNAH AND HER SISTERS - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hannah_and_Her_Sisters MIKE HODGES - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Hodges GET CARTER - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Get_Carter BARBARELLA - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barbarella_(film) JACK DRAPER - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Draper

    38 min

  2. 09/09/2025

    Episode 51: The Ranter & Quaker Oats

    I howl like the wolf because this is my penultimate episode, for the time being, so hold onto your horses. Not so much a cheerio, more of a watch your back, you bastards. I’ve been at this for a year now and I’ve decided that I need a break to focus on being bored in Limbo…and only do a show when I have the choicest letters or when Murphy, the one who keeps stealing my horror chi with her pitching prizes and what not, is up to some wonderful live shows, as me - The Vigilante Cannibal Nun. So next week will be a round up of the year on The Vigilante Cannibal Nun as Agony Aunt comedy horror podcast. In the meantime, for today, we are  going to strike a terror pose by going back to the chaos of the middle ages and the civil war in England with a letter to shiver your timbers or something. Welcome to Episode 51: The Ranter & Quaker Oats. REFERENCES CAROL MURPHY -https://www.instagram.com/thevigilantecannibalnun/ THE BODY & BLOOD – https://www.thebodyandblood.co.uk GHOULS ON FILM - https://www.ghoulsonfilmbelfast.com  THE RANTERS - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ranters THE DIGGERS - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diggers THE QUAKERS - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quakers PIERROT LE FOU - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pierrot_le_Fou MARLON BRANDO - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marlon_Brando THE WILD ONE - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Wild_One QUAKER OATS - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quaker_Oats_Company

    9 min

  3. 09/02/2025

    Episode 50: Dark Coastal Roads & The Man In My Room

    I howl like the wolf because some people think that I’m making all this shit up. Do I explain myself, or do I just let it go, secure in my own sense of self? Yeah right? Don’t you mean my Non sense of self as the living dead. It still gets to me. For all they care I’m sitting in a bedsit in The Shaft, or in a mansion in the outer Hebrides, turning to lies and untruths (why repeat yourself) to gain an iota of attention, and I admit it,  I’m getting triggered. I feel that push, that want for validation, so that they understand and respect the real or the unreal or even the undead me. But why? Let it all go. Its gone anyway. Yeah yeah, you were dropped on your head as a child and now you are a fantasist with a complete lack of an audience. They are so proud of themselves but have they ever reached the end of the yellow brick road, somewhere over the rainbow? Eh? Have they pulled the curtain back on The Wizard of Oz and low an behold he is a lizard after all. Or a pathetic middle aged man pretending to be a lizard. Out even not a lizard. They lack the courage to walk the line that far in the game. I have walked that far, I know the end, and there is nothing else for it but to create new games. Yes yes….No one believes me when I say that I ate the colonisers back in the day in mid 19th Century Famine Stricken Ireland, for the sake of the starving, giving them all the spoils of my personal war, gold and diamonds and shit, thinking I was saving the world only to destroy myself and end up here in limbo….and when I say no one I mean everyone on the planet, except, and here is my strange salvation, except for all my fellow horror and sci fi low lifers who send me their letters of woe, or just because they need to rant to someone, and when I say me, I mean The Vigilante Cannibal Nun as Agony Aunt, and that is where you have landed, the podcast of the century…not the 21st, but the 19th….arguably the worst century in Irish history, and that is really saying something. Welcome to Episode 50: Dark Coastal Roads & The Man in My Room. REFERENCES CAROL MURPHY -https://www.instagram.com/thevigilantecannibalnun/ THE BODY & BLOOD – https://www.thebodyandblood.co.uk GHOULS ON FILM - https://www.ghoulsonfilmbelfast.com  HUMANOID STAKKER - https://www.theguardian.com/music/2013/nov/11/stakker-humanoid-25th-anniversary-acid-house WORLD HUMANOID ROBOT GAMES - https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/videos/cvg3mv3rz60o THE RANTERS - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ranters

    9 min

  4. 08/26/2025

    Episode 49: Humanoid High Hopes & Here Be Dragons

    I howl like the wolf because I took a hauntingly good jaunt to the Edinburgh Festival during the week to see if it would be worth infecting the mind of the Murphy girl, as in Carol Murphy, the writer who created me, or so she says, to take The Body & Blood, the story of my life, to perform at The Festival sometime in the future. And lux a Lordy, I think she should. But I have a problem, what is a good way to infect the mind of the Murphy to take the festival plunge? Sweet talking doesn’t work with her. I think the best thing would be to appeal to the true masochist that she is and tell her that, bringing The Body & Blood to the festival is guaranteed to give her exhaustion and weight gain but it will be for the greater good of her cause, her work, and that includes spreading the word about me, everybody happy. Why not take part in the largest arts festival in the world in one of the world’s most beautiful cities, eh? Lets do this together, Murphy, I want to go back, if only in spirit. And in the meantime we can spread the love via this excuse for an Agony Aunt podcast, and use it to sell the show to our avid body of two listeners, you and me. Lets see how that one pans out.  But enough of that…it is time to get down and dirty with all the horror and sci fi miscreants in their own personal la la land having done something truly diabolical, desperate for someone to take on their cause and to ease the pain, and who by chance, in looking for any port in the storm, have landed on this particular one - The Vigilante Cannibal Nun as Agony Aunt comedy horror podcast, because they know that I’ve reached the depths of despair and addiction by eating the colonisers in mid 19th Century Ireland and giving their wares to the poor, whilst siphoning off some pieces for thon self, not realising that I already died in a random hunger strike, but not hamburger, that I took in a failed attempt to persuade the Catholic Church to do more for the starving in Ireland. Got it? Seems that my soul was already a goner. Who can you go to for support when you have committed the horror crime of the century….yes….someone worse that you. Speaking for myself, I only pretend to offer ya’ll a shoulder to cry on because, get this, I don’t give a flying fig about your woes, but I put on a mighty good sympathetic show. And I think that’s all that it takes, a good jolt of virtue signalling and absolutely nothing constructive, works for everyone else on the internet, why not me, hi. So here we go…welcome to Episode 49 Humanoid High Hopes & Here Be Dragons. REFERENCES CAROL MURPHY -https://www.instagram.com/thevigilantecannibalnun/ THE BODY & BLOOD – https://www.thebodyandblood.co.uk GHOULS ON FILM - https://www.ghoulsonfilmbelfast.com  THE EDINBURGH FESTIVAL - https://www.eif.co.uk/ HUMANOID STAKKER - https://www.theguardian.com/music/2013/nov/11/stakker-humanoid-25th-anniversary-acid-house WORLD HUMANOID ROBOT GAMES - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_Humanoid_Robot_Games#:~:text=The 2025 World Humanoid Robot,be held in August 2026.

    8 min

  5. 08/19/2025

    Episode 48: Self Pitying Murder Bot & How To Turn A Good Man Bad

    I howl like the wolf because it’s August and I have no other reason to justify such rabid feral behaviour. Then again, do I need a reason or excuse for anything I do? Hell or heaven no. You just do the do and pray that no one gets hurt, and when that doesn’t work you can write to me, your resident, in limbo, Vigilante Cannibal Nun as Agony aunt. I’m there to lord over all of your pain in the guise of someone who actually cares when you make the biggest horror and sci fi mistakes of your life and possible death. But here is the thing, not only do I enjoy pissing over your problems, I feed them to the vultures out there listening so that we can all have a laugh at your expense. Sound good to you? You masochistic bastard, then keep listening. I mean, I don’t know about you, but I am sick to the rotting teeth with all this feel good, how to make your life better and be the best person you can be as hero, central character, control freaked, keeping up with the jones’ then call it authentic world. Trauma makes minced meat of authenticity, so why look for it? We are here on earth to do a little creating, especially when the shit hits the fan, when you really have to ditch the idea that you need to reach in deep for the REAL you. I mean, why wait around for the real you to stop crying into your alcohol free pint, hi, christ even pleasure terrifies you. In the dire times in your life, the real you is in the doldrums, so you have to convince yourself that you are the incredible hulk or the littlest hobo to make it through the night, and there is nothing wrong with that, some might even reach for the chain saw and terrorise their perfect neighbour and I can get jiggy with that, but only if you promise to send me your tales of despair and woe the following day, and if you don’t feel any guilt, then stay away from me because that is some scary shit, right there…just take a screw driver and hammer a few rivets why don’t you…..this has gone right off pist so without further ado I am here to introduce Episode 48: Self Pitying Murder Bot & How To Turn A Good Man Bad. REFERENCES CAROL MURPHY -https://www.instagram.com/thevigilantecannibalnun/ THE BODY & BLOOD – https://www.thebodyandblood.co.uk GHOULS ON FILM - https://www.ghoulsonfilmbelfast.com  CHAT GPT - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ChatGPT AMERICAN PSYCHO - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_Psycho_(film)

    9 min

  6. 08/12/2025

    Episode 47: Can’t Forget Fear & Chainsaw Necklace

    I howl like the wolf because I have nothing else to do and I have to fill the void someway. And what happens when you have nothing to do. Here is what happens, you do nothing. Too much time on your hands and the banal day to day extends to, well tomorrow when reason runs out the door like a vampire who just discovered roller sakes and decides to go back in time to Glengormley in the 80’s to the roller disco that my sister used to frequent, wait a minute, that’s my imaginary sister, because I’m from the 19th Century, bitch. Yes  indeed, I need to insult myself to get any action around here. Get the old juices flowing and ready for a fight, with myself, better than nothing. Otherwise its just me and my thoughts and I am trying really hard to completely ignore those. They are things. They are not me. They come and go. So lets get piggy or even joggy or even jiggy with the meat and gristle, but not Throbbing Gristle, obviously, because I likes the music, man. Yes 19th Century Ireland, arguably the worst in our dark history of colonisation and pain. But that is a perilous argument because the others weren’t much better. Is living in a ditch, pregnant, in the middle of winter, scorned and abandoned, poor, hungry, shamed, after having your language beaten out of you better than dying of hunger and watching your family die with you in the 19th Century? That’s s tough one. So Famine stricken 19th Century Ireland when I ate the colonisers thinking I was saving the starving when in fact I was losing my soul like a dumb bint. But hey, here I am in limbo, waiting to receive your horror and sci fi letters of woe, so that I can read out a few as The Vigilante Cannibal Nun as Agony Aunt and we can all have a laugh, because, frankly, there is nothing else to do. So welcome to Episode 47: Can’t Forget Fear & Chainsaw Necklace. REFERENCES CAROL MURPHY -https://www.instagram.com/thevigilantecannibalnun/ THE BODY & BLOOD – https://www.thebodyandblood.co.uk GHOULS ON FILM - https://www.ghoulsonfilmbelfast.com  THROBBING GRISTLE - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Throbbing_Gristle FIRE STARTER by The Prodigy - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Firestarter_(The_Prodigy_song) CHAT GPT - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ChatGPT

    8 min

  7. 08/05/2025

    Episode 46: Teen Bats Acting Up & Intergalactic Passive Aggression

    I howl like the wolf because frankly settling back into the aftermath of success is a slide that I have experienced the wrong way, doing a dive bomb into a swimming pool full of kids is one thing, dive bombing and breaking your back on the slippery slope is another. You try to be happy, you try too hard, you make a fool of yourself, you cower in pain and embarrassment, and you hide for the rest of the sum mer, planning a full scale bloody revolution. Then you hear on the grape vine that happiness is not all its cracked up to be. Apparently if you get your exercise in, talk to a few friends and eat some broccoli that is about the height of what to expect on the happiness scale - so my dear horror and sci fi freaks, let me tell you that your expectations are too high if your original impulse on the road to hell was to be happy and the result of your failures - ie to commit some stupid heinous act - was too extreme, simply because you think that happiness is way out of your reach and you resent those who have a life and you act accordingly. But that is nothing but fluff to all the rest of us who are chewing on our left feet in pain and mortification. And on that note, lets see what we have in my horror and sci fi letter bag of misery, and let’s see how much fun we can have delving into the your woes. Yes, you guessed it, The Vigilante Cannibal Nun is here as your favourite Horror and Sci Fi Agony Aunt in Episode 46: Teen Bats Acting Up & Intergalactic Passive Aggression. REFERENCES CAROL MURPHY -https://www.instagram.com/thevigilantecannibalnun/ THE BODY & BLOOD – https://www.thebodyandblood.co.uk GHOULS ON FILM - https://www.ghoulsonfilmbelfast.com  FRANKLY MR SHANKLY - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Queen_Is_Dead

    7 min

  8. 07/29/2025

    Episode 45: Cosmic Revenge & Familiarity Breeds Contempt

    I howl like the wolf because frankly I’m so happy that last week is over. Things have calmed down and I am back to the grind now that all the shenanigans at The Galyway Film Fleadh, namely The Pitching Competition are but a distant memory. Now I have to face facts again, particularly the fact that I am the living dead, not an easy mountain or plateau to climb and also that I am in limbo and I will never get out and to make matters worse I have to persuade a bunch of horror and sci fi loons that their miserable lives and criminal deeds are in fact not shameful and that there is a future for them somewhere in between a rock and a rotten place. They send me, their favourite agony aunt, they problem woes, and all I can think is………… FEELINGS, OH OH OH OH OH FEELINGS….. Feelings Nothing more than feelings Trying to forget my feelings of love…I mean hate Teardrops  Rolling down on my face Trying to forget my feelings of love Feelings  For all my life I'll feel it I wish I've never met you, girl You'll never come again Yeah, whatever minger….. Why do we have them? Can someone please answer that? Then again if we didn’t have feelings I would be out of a job, but I doubt that I would be here in the first place. Perhaps I wouldn’t’ve eaten the colonisers back in the day in Famine stricken Ireland. Feelings…. This is the true horror show. Where have all the rules gone, running down the hill after the chocolate egg….bloody adults setting the rules and then breaking them….and feelings being like an amorphous swamp. How can anyone go right with them? There is only wrong…or is there? Someone put me right? Hello…is it me you’re looking for, hi…….Feelings…. that is why I am here…..as your favourite horror and sci fi agony aunt. The Vigilante Cannibal Nun. I choose a couple of letters each week from my freakesque listeners out there, asking for help primarily because their feelings are out of control especially after they’ve seen the future world and it is an apocalyptic hell….not much change there then….or they just can’t get any rest because their next door neighbour’s a ghost but how can that be when I shagged him two weeks ago and it was the ride of my life, or a zombie ate all my family but when it came to me decided not to indulge….all of a sudden they have scruples….and no appetite…..no addictions….only choice…and they chose not to…not getting chosen for the cheer leader team is one thing…but when a zombie refuses to choose me due to my culinary inadequacies….is there any bally hope, hi? I even offered them my arm, but they refused. But that is all in the past. Yeah Yeah, so you think. That is the type of shenanigan I am partial to….when I have no choice….slim pickings…..I read one or two, give out some advice…. so that we can all have a laugh at said writer’s expense and for our collective and/or individual pleasure. Welcome to Episode 45: COSMIC REVENGE & FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT REFERENCES CAROL MURPHY -https://www.instagram.com/thevigilantecannibalnun/ THE BODY & BLOOD – https://www.thebodyandblood.co.uk GHOULS ON FILM - https://www.ghoulsonfilmbelfast.com  GALWAY FILM FLEADH - https://www.galwayfilmfleadh.com PITCHING COMPETITION - https://www.galwayfilmfleadh.com/project/pitching-competition/ FEELINGS by Morris Albert - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feelings_(Morris_Albert_song) HELLO by Lionel Richie - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hello_(Lionel_Richie_song) OUT OF CONTROL by The Chemical Brothers - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Out_of_Control_(The_Chemical_Brothers_song) KING WILLIAM OF ORANGE - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_III_of_England

    10 min
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About

The Vigilante Cannibal Nun as Agony Aunt is a fictional comedy horror SCI FI podcast. Every Tuesday, your host, The Vigilante Cannibal Nun, the living dead, reads two letters from our emotionally ill-fettered listeners, salivates over their problems, and vomits up solutions, at their expense and for everyone else’s pleasure. The Vigilante Cannibal Nun is a sin eater, well equipped to solve a little emotional problem or two, with victims sending in their letters from across time and space, cutting through all categories of Horror and SCI FI genre. Each episode is roughly 10 minutes in length. Who is The Vigilante Cannibal Nun? Maggie Murtagh, otherwise known as The Vigilante Cannibal Nun, was born of the imagination of the artist Carol Murphy. Her story is told in a series of Murphy’s verse-driven performance films called The Body & Blood, launched here at the beginning of 2022 and performed in a UK and Irish theatre tour in 2023. In The Body & Blood, Maggie Murtagh is a young Irish Country Girl who transmogrifies into The Vigilante Cannibal Nun during the Irish Famine, after the death of her family. She steals from the rich to give to the starving poor, eats the colonisers, and destroys her soul. She is the living dead.

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