4d ago

Why do I feel responsible for other peoples feelings? | Good Question Series

Welcome to the first episode of the Good Question series. There's a lot of noise out there from people who seem to know everything, this series is the opposite. Each episode I take one question I hear a lot in the therapy room and in groups and we get curious about it together. No experts, no easy answers, just good questions to sit with and explore in your own life. This first one's a big one: why do I feel responsible for other people's feelings? If you read the room the second you walk in, feel guilty when someone's upset even when it's got nothing to do with you, or feel like it's your job to fix everyone's bad day, this one's for you. In this episode: What it looks like to take on everyone else's emotionsMy own story of growing up as the one keeping the peace at homeThe polarity of caring and being scared of what happens if people aren't okayWhat this pattern might be protecting us from, and why it's so hard to let go ofThree questions to reflect onA simple experiment to try this week The three questions When did you first learn that keeping other people okay was your job?What do you think will happen if someone's upset and you don't fix it?Where are your feelings while you're busy looking after everyone else's?No need for solid answers. Put them in the ground and see what grows. This week's experiment Level 1: Notice when you start managing someone else's mood. What's happening in your body? Level 2: Next time someone's upset and it isn't yours to fix, stay kind but don't fix it. Try "that sounds really hard" and notice the urge to do more. Follow the show so you don't miss the next one. Got a question you'd love explored in the series? Send it through. And if you want to explore this a bit deeper, get in touch: Instagram

Sep 23

Helping couples really hear each other with Freya Smee

Freya Smee is a Gestalt therapist who works with couples on conflict, communication and connection. In this episode, we talk about why the same fights keep happening, the stories we tell ourselves about each other and how to feel seen and heard in your relationship. Freya also shares her own journey into this work. Learning to stop putting herself last, letting the sensitive parts of herself be seen and why couples work lights her up. She has a simple way of putting it... "your differences aren't the problem, the story you attach to them is." Most fights aren't really about the dishes. Underneath the "you never" there's usually something softer. I'm sad. I'm scared I don't matter. I just want you to see me. When we can own the story we're telling ourselves things slow down and the other person gets a chance to lean in instead of reaching for their sword. If you put everyone else first then snap when there's nothing left or if you find it hard to ask for help, this one's for you. In this episode: How the patterns we learn growing up show up in our relationships.Overgiving, resentment and anger outbursts.Why anger feels so scary and what it's really telling us."I'm making up a story that…" and why it changes arguments.Why your differences aren't the problem.The difference between owning your feelings and "you made me feel this."What's really going on underneath the fight.Hyper-independence and why asking for help feels so hard.The fear of not being enough.The inner critic and the parts of us sitting at the dinner table.Why accepting yourself is what actually lets you change.Rick on epilepsy, shame and the "dirty fuel" of proving yourself. Connect with Freya Connect with Rick

Sep 9

#51: Learning to feel instead of think my way through with Scott Ellis

Scott Ellis is back for round two and this conversation goes somewhere unexpected fast. It moves quickly into an old pattern many of us carry... shaping what we say, holding things back and managing conversations so nobody gets upset. Then there's the weird guilt that sits underneath it, often for things we haven't actually done wrong. From there, the conversation turns to something Scott's been practising more deliberately: trusting a feeling in his body over the endless planning and strategising in his head. A gut sense of yes or no that doesn't always make logical sense, but that he's learning to say out loud anyway, especially with the people he cares about most. In this episode: The pattern of managing conversations to avoid upsetting someone.Unearned guilt and the courtroom analogy that's stuck with Scott for weeks.What it takes to practise honesty in a relationship instead of managing the outcome.Learning to trust a gut feeling that makes no logical sense.Choosing love over fear, one decision at a time. Enjoy the episode and leave a comment if any of this chat resonated. Connect with Rick

Aug 26

#50: Permission to not have it figured out with Kate Johnson

Sometimes in life, we can get a bit paralysed from making a decision out of the fear of getting it wrong. In this episode, I chat with Kate Johnson and what her version of this used to look like and what she did about it. We also chatted about her old perfectionist and fixer parts like to jump in on the act with the best of intentions. Kate has a number of really practical examples of how she has found new ways to hang with these old parts. What we talked about in this episode: The four types of "FRACing" (fixing, rescuing, advice-giving, caretaking) and which one shows up most for Kate.What she got from being the fixer in her relationships and what it quietly cost her.Learning to listen instead of solve and the difference it made to her friendships.Giving her own kids permission to make decisions and change their minds, versus how she was raised.Quitting drinking nine years ago and what surfaced once the numbing stopped.Chronic pain, surgery recovery and how cutting off physical sensation bled into cutting off feelings generally.Anxiety and excitement feeling almost identical in her body and how she's learned to tell them apart.What it's felt like to have capacity again after years of running on empty.Making peace with the parts of herself that used to run the show, without needing to fight them. If you have ever felt like you needed to get all your life ducks in a row, this episodes is a great example of what life looks like when you let go of needing things to be perfect. Connect with Kate Connect with Rick

Aug 18

#49: Learning who I am all over again with Mark Achermann

Mark lost his business and his wife in the same week and life as he knew it turned upside-down. What followed was three months alone, hiking through New Zealand with no plan and a hell of a lot of space to feel. This episode isn't really about what happened to Mark, it's about what's happened since. We talk about self-sabotage he still can't fully explain, the mask he puts on to be liked and the strange, uncomfortable in-between of not being who he used to be but not quite knowing who he's becoming either. We get into: Why we sabotage the things we say we wantWhat it's actually like to lose your identity all at onceThe mask we wear to be accepted and what it costs usWhy solitude isn't always the same as peaceWhat it means to keep choosing to feel things, even when it's bloody uncomfortable.If you've ever felt like you don't know who you are anymore, or like you're stuck between the old version of yourself and whoever's next - this one's for you. Connect with Rick

Aug 11

#48 Getting closer to yourself and not taking it so seriously with Grace Brown

Gracie Brown - Gestalt therapist, musician and artist known as Kalakari - joins me for her first ever podcast. We talk about what it means to get closer to yourself: the parts you perform, the parts you protect and what starts to shift when you stop treating all of it like something to fix. We get into calling yourself pathetic and what's actually underneath that - the strange kind of safety in staying small and what it costs to keep proving your own worst story about yourself right. We talk about the difference between managing your life and actually enjoying it and what it might mean if the opposite of anxiety isn't calm, but joy. Grace opens up about carrying a "professional" version of herself separately from the real one for years and what it's taken to let that gap close. In this episode: What it's like stepping into your first ever podcast conversation, nerves and all.Why calling yourself pathetic can actually feel safer than the alternative.The difference between managing your life and actually enjoying it.Being an artist and a therapist without needing to pick one.What years of group therapy training taught her about being seen.Learning to loosen up on yourself instead of tightening the grip.If you've ever taken yourself way too seriously and wondered what would happen if you just... didn't, this one's for you. Find Gracie (Kalakari): Insta Kalakari Insta (music, writing) Substack Spotify Connect with Rick: Instagram Website

Jul 29

#47: A practical way to understand yourself instead of fixing yourself

If you've ever caught yourself wondering why you keep repeating the same patterns, why you shut down emotionally when things get hard or why you keep self-sabotaging even when you know better, this episode is for you. Rick explores the difference between fixing or shaming yourself and actually understanding yourself and why that distinction changes everything about how we relate to our own repeating patterns. Using his own tendency to withdraw and go quiet under pressure as a live example, he walks through five questions that help make sense of the behaviours that feel stuck or automatic, without needing to force change or beat yourself up in the process. The five questions covered in this episode: What's the benefit? What do you get from doing this thing, even if it doesn't look like a benefit on the surface?What's the cost? What does this pattern actually cost you, including the quieter internal cost of how it makes you feel about yourself?Where did it come from? What's the origin or the ongoing story that keeps this pattern alive?What's the fear underneath it? What are you actually trying to avoid by doing this?What's the superpower? What skill or strength has this pattern given you, even as it's caused you trouble?This one's for anyone who feels stuck even though life looks fine on paper, who overthinks everything, or who's tired of trying to white-knuckle their way into being a different person. It's a conversation about getting to know yourself gently, without the pressure of having to arrive anywhere. Connect with Rick: ⁠https://www.rickwatson.com.au⁠ Instagram: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/rickwatson_/⁠ Substack: ⁠https://therickwatson.substack.com/

Jul 22

#46: Grief, love, and what I've learned about emotional honesty (a six month update)

It's been months since I recorded an episode. Jo's dad got sick, then really sick, then he passed. Somewhere in the middle of all that, I lost the desire to sit down and talk into a mic. This episode is me picking it back up, unscripted, on a day it finally felt good to do it. I talk about what it looked like to let ourselves feel everything during that time instead of managing it - the grief, but also what showed up on the other side of it: gratitude, love and eventually a proposal. I get into the difference between accepting an emotion and actually welcoming it and why that difference matters in a practical sense. I also talk about emotional avoidance... what it actually looks like day to day (drinking, YouTube rabbit holes, staying busy for no reason) and why we're all so good at not catching ourselves doing it. I also explore that overthinking is often just under feeling. that automatic pattern of trying to figure something out instead of letting yourself feel it. If you've ever wondered why you overthink everything, why you shut down emotionally, or why you keep trying to manage a feeling instead of actually feeling it... this one's for you. I also mention a free connection quiz on my site if you want a starting point to see where your emotional avoidance is at. Enjoy and feel free to leave a comment or ask any questions as you listen. Connect with Rick: https://www.rickwatson.com.au Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/rickwatson_/ Substack: https://therickwatson.substack.com/

Humaning with Rick Watson

Why do I feel responsible for other peoples feelings? | Good Question Series

Helping couples really hear each other with Freya Smee

#51: Learning to feel instead of think my way through with Scott Ellis

#50: Permission to not have it figured out with Kate Johnson

#49: Learning who I am all over again with Mark Achermann

#48 Getting closer to yourself and not taking it so seriously with Grace Brown

#47: A practical way to understand yourself instead of fixing yourself

#46: Grief, love, and what I've learned about emotional honesty (a six month update)

About

Information

Humaning with Rick Watson

Episodes

Why do I feel responsible for other peoples feelings? | Good Question Series

Helping couples really hear each other with Freya Smee

#51: Learning to feel instead of think my way through with Scott Ellis

#50: Permission to not have it figured out with Kate Johnson

#49: Learning who I am all over again with Mark Achermann

#48 Getting closer to yourself and not taking it so seriously with Grace Brown

#47: A practical way to understand yourself instead of fixing yourself

#46: Grief, love, and what I've learned about emotional honesty (a six month update)

About

Information