The Deeper Love Podcast: For the Woman Healing After Betraying Someone She Loved

Alex Croxford
  • 5.0 (2)
  • Relationships
  • Updated Weekly

Join Alex Croxford on The Deeper Love Podcast as she guides women healing after betraying someone they loved. Through raw, compassionate conversations, The Deeper Love Podcast dives beneath the affair to the silence, the self-betrayal, and the parts of yourself you’ve forgotten. This is your space to release shame, face the truth, and begin again. With honest stories, intimate interviews, and deep guidance, The Deeper Love Podcast will help you rise from the ashes into love that feels safe, soft, and true.

  1. 5d ago

    S2#047 – How My Spiritual Awakening Helped Me Heal The Shame Of My Affair

    Seven years ago, I would have rolled my eyes at everything in this episode. I thought crystals were bollocks. I thought energy healing was bollocks. I thought past lives were definitely bollocks. I was a rational, logical, practical TV executive, and nobody could have convinced me otherwise. And then my life imploded, and I got desperate. And desperate women do things they never thought they'd do (like spend over £800 on a two-day retreat in a converted chapel in East London, covered in sage smoke and quartz crystals, surrounded by complete strangers). And within about forty minutes, I was sobbing on a yoga mat, having never cried in front of a stranger in my life. That was the beginning of something and I had no idea what. Something that would take years to understand, and that I still don't fully understand now. A spiritual awakening that wasn't rainbows and unicorns… it was bloody terrifying. A complete dissolution of everything I thought I was. In this episode, I share all of it. The card that was pulled at that retreat - the goddess Kali, the beginning of the end. The synchronicities I couldn't explain. The ayahuasca ceremonies in the Amazon that broke me open and showed me things I still can't quite believe. The moment the plant told me that the fear I'd been carrying in my body wasn't even mine (it was my mother's). And the conversation with my mum, weeks later, that confirmed every word of it. This isn't an episode that will tell you what to believe. It's an episode about what happens when the life you've controlled falls apart, and something else (something you didn't expect) starts to appear. In this episode, we explore: Why I walked into that retreat as a complete sceptic, and left sobbing on a yoga mat, surrounded by strangers, for the first time in my lifeThe Kali card, and why even without any spiritual belief, I knew in my body that it was trueWhat a spiritual awakening actually feels like (spoiler: nothing like the Instagram version)The dark night of the soul - the terrifying in-between of who you were and who you're becomingWhy I kept swinging between "maybe there's something more" and "Alex, you're being ridiculous"The ayahuasca ceremonies in the Amazon - what happened, what I heard, and why it broke me open in ways nothing else hadThe moment I was shown that the fear I'd been carrying in my body was ancestral, and what my mum said when I told herHow I met Adam and why I believe, genuinely, that it was not a coincidenceWhat it actually means to stop controlling and surrender - not as a spiritual concept, but as something you have to practise in real time, in real relationshipsThe question that changed everything for me: what if your life isn't over? What if you're standing in the middle of a chapter, not the end of a book? If this episode landed If something in this episode cracked something open. If you've been white-knuckling your way through the aftermath, trying to think your way out, trying to control your way back to safety. Sometimes we need to sit with other women who can see possibilities we can't yet see for ourselves. Women who have been in the middle of it and come out the other side. That's why The Sanctuary exists. It's my private community for women in the aftermath of an affair. Not a programme. A room. A place where you don't have to tidy yourself up before you walk in. The door is open. Click here to find out more about The Sanctuary

    28 min

  2. Jun 23

    S2#046 – The Affair Wasn't the First Sign Something Was Wrong

    I want to take you back to 2019. Sat in Homerton Hospital, in the fertility department with my then husband next to me. Signing the consent forms for IVF. And the whole time, I was carrying the secret that I had been unfaithful to him. That moment, I can see now, contained the whole story. Because I was sitting there trying to create life whilst being completely disconnected from my own. The irregular periods, the fertility struggles, the rage at my own body for not doing what I needed it to do - I thought that was the problem. I thought my body was failing me. But what I understand now is that my body wasn't failing me at all. It was trying to get my attention. It had been trying to get my attention for years. The affair wasn't the first sign something was wrong - It was just the loudest one. In this episode, I share what was really going on underneath the high-achieving, always-pushing, never-needing version of me that walked into that hospital. The woman who went to IVF appointments alone because asking for support felt weak. Who was so disconnected from her own emotions that she didn't even know she was carrying grief. Whose body was screaming, and who had no idea how to listen. And I share what happened when I finally did. In this episode, we explore: The moment in Homerton Hospital that I can now see contained the whole storyWhy the woman who can fix anything - organise a crew to the North Pole in three days (!) - couldn't fix her own menstrual cycle, and what that was really aboutHow living almost entirely in masculine energy showed up in my body, my relationships, and eventually, the affairWhy I went to IVF appointments alone, and what I now know that version of me actually neededThe connection between emotional numbness and fertility struggles that nobody was telling me aboutWhat it means that my cycle became regular after eight months of deep emotional work, and why I'm more fertile at 43 than I was at 34How the affair, the infertility, the exhaustion - none of it was the beginning. All of it was the body sending the same message, louder and louderThe question I never once stopped to ask myself: how am I actually doing?What it feels like to stop trying to force and control, and surrender instead If this episode landed If you recognised yourself in the pushing. In the never slowing down. In the part of you that had built an entire identity out of being the one who didn't need anything - until something cracked open and demanded to be heard. The Sanctuary is my private, ongoing community for women in the aftermath of an affair. Not a programme. A room of women, carrying what you're carrying, where you get to be completely honest, to say what's actually happening and to begin to listen to yourself again, surrounded by women who just get it. Because after my affair, as I started this, there was nowhere for me to take any of this. I built The Sanctuary because that place needs to exist. Click here to find out more about The Sanctuary

    30 min

  3. Jun 16

    S2#045 – What Nobody Told Me About The Year After The Affair

    Everyone talks about the moment the affair comes out. Nobody talks about what happens next. In this episode, I'm going inside the year that broke me far more than the affair itself - the year I spent trying to repair, trying to make it right, and completely disappearing in the process. Because here's what I know now that I didn't know then: telling the truth was not the lowest point. The lowest point was the twelve months that followed, when I gave him everything - every answer, every conversation, every piece of my nervous system - because I had decided, in the moment I saw his devastation, that I owed him all of me. I thought absorbing his pain was the same as taking accountability. It wasn't, it was self-abandonment but it just looked different. And it was more painful than anything that had come before it. In this episode, I share what I wish someone had told me: there is a difference between listening to how you've hurt someone, and using their pain to punish yourself. And if you don't know that line exists, you will cross it again and again without ever knowing you're doing it. If you're in the repair phase right now - trying to hold it all together, trying to make it right, shrinking yourself around his moods - this episode is for you. In this episode, we explore: Why the year after the affair broke me more than the affair itselfThe unconscious decision I made the moment I saw his devastation, and how it cost me everythingWhy I thought absorbing his pain was the same as accountability (and why it wasn't)The difference between being answerable for what you did, and using someone's hurt to punish yourselfWhy those two-hour crying sessions on the sofa were re-traumatising us both, and what we actually needed insteadHow self-abandonment continued (and amplified) in the repair phase, and I didn’t have a clueWhy the shame of the affair made me believe I had no right to need anything at allThe sneaky thing about self-abandonment: it doesn't announce itself. It just feels like being a good person.The one question to ask yourself if you're in the repair phase right now If this episode landed If you recognised yourself in the shrinking. In answering every question at whatever cost to yourself. In the part of you that believes you have to earn your way back to being allowed to need something. I see you, and I know how hard this is to navigate alone. The reason I built The Sanctuary is because when I was in the midst of the aftermath, I longed for a safe place to go where I wouldn’t be judged, and I could heal with other women who understood the pain I was in. The Sanctuary is my private, ongoing community for women in the aftermath of an affair. Join today and have immediate access to the sisterhood. You don't have to keep doing this alone. Click here to find out more about The Sanctuary

    21 min

  4. Jun 9

    S2#044 – After My Affair, I Thought The World Was Better Without Me. This Is How I Found My Way Back.

    Six years ago, I genuinely didn't know if I wanted to keep living. The shame of what I had done felt unbearable. I couldn't think straight, I couldn't be present, and I couldn't imagine a future where I felt okay again. And yet today, I'm sitting behind a microphone telling that story publicly. So what happened? How did I get from there to here? Because I can tell you, it wasn't time. It wasn't understanding what went wrong in my relationship. And it definitely wasn't listening to podcasts. In this episode, I share the part of my story I've never told in this much detail: the year after my affair, when I was convinced that forgetting was my only option. We were about to start IVF. We were mid-way through a huge house extension. My then husband was deep in his accountancy exams. Telling him felt like it would collapse everything, so I said nothing, looked functional on the outside, and quietly fell apart on the inside. I talk about the pressure in my chest I didn't recognise as anxiety, the obsessive overthinking, the secret crying, and the loneliness of carrying something 99% of my friends knew nothing about. And I share the realisation that changed everything: the affair wasn't actually the thing I needed to heal. The affair was the thing that exposed everything that had been running underneath my life without me even realising. The mask of perfectionism. The self-abandonment that started long before the betrayal. The needs I didn't know I was allowed to have. In this episode, I explore: Why "just forgetting it" felt like my only option, and why it quietly destroyed me insteadWhat it's really like to look functional on the outside while falling apart on the insideHow shame lives in the body: the chest pressure, the bracing, the obsessive overthinkingThe moment my first mentor said "let's put the affair to one side and focus on you," and why that changed everythingHow I'd abandoned myself long before I betrayed my husbandWhy I couldn't ask for my needs to be met, and the IVF clinic moment that blew my mindThe mask of perfectionism: the achieving, the control, the confidence that wasn't realWhy books, insight, and even therapy alone weren't enough, and why the work had to go into the bodyWhat the willingness to be seen as my most messy, raw, vulnerable self actually gave meWhy the shame might not be the punishment. It might be the doorway. If you're carrying this right now If you're desperately trying to forget. If you're trying to figure out why you did it. If you feel like you're drowning with no way of getting to shore. I want you to know that everything I was trying to avoid became the path back to myself. And the best first step you can take is one I wish I'd taken sooner: letting yourself be supported. The Sanctuary is my community for women in the aftermath of their own betrayal. We meet twice a month on Zoom, and it might be the first space where you get to share your truth out loud and have it met with nothing but compassion, and no judgement. That is the first step to becoming truly free from the shame and guilt you're carrying. Click here to discover more.

    23 min

  5. Jun 2

    S2#043 – The Secret That's Eating You Alive

    For two years after the affair, I told no one. Not my husband. Not the friends I’d call sisters, the ones who’d held me through my own heartbreak years earlier. I sat at New Year’s parties and weddings and birthdays, keeping it light, breezy, fine. And inside, I was dying. Dying of shame. Dying of guilt. Dying of the fear that if anyone really saw me, they’d stop loving me. In this episode, I talk about the secret almost no one names: not the affair itself, but the secrecy that comes after it. The mask of “I’m fine.” The exhaustion that sleep can’t touch. The way secrecy and shame feed each other in a loop that feels like it will never end. I share how this particular mask wasn’t new. It was one I’d been wearing since childhood, a survival strategy that told me I had to have it all together to stay safe and stay loved. And I share what finally began to loosen its grip: not more hiding, but being witnessed by other women who had walked the same path and simply understood. This is an honest look at why we keep the secret, what it costs us, and why being truly seen, even in the smallest, most terrifying moment, is where the healing starts. In this episode, I explore: Why the secrecy after an affair can be lonelier and heavier than the affair itselfThe “I’m fine” mask, and how it can be a survival strategy first learned in childhoodHow living as “two different people” depletes your life force and exhausts you in a way sleep can’t healThe vicious cycle where secrecy compounds shame, and shame demands more secrecyWhy public affair scandals (and the conversations around them) can leave you bracing in silent terrorWhat changed when Alex was witnessed by women who had been through the same thingWhy we don’t feel seen in our marriages, and the first step to changing thatHow allowing yourself to be seen in your messiest moment radiates out into the rest of your life Key takeaways Secrecy keeps shame firmly in place. The energy it takes to suppress the truth is what depletes you, not the truth itself.The mask of “having it all together” often predates the affair. The affair simply cracked it open.Healing accelerates when you’re witnessed by someone who genuinely gets it. Not to be validated or excused, but to be held without judgement.We aren’t seen in our relationships partly because we don’t let ourselves be seen. Being witnessed by other women who understand is the first step toward changing that. If this resonated If you recognised yourself in the mask, in the exhaustion, in sitting among people you love while feeling completely alone, that matters. The Sanctuary is an ongoing, gentle space for women in the aftermath of their own betrayal who are tired of carrying it in secret. It exists for the woman who is doing all the right things on the outside but still feels tight, disconnected, and alone inside: the woman who needs somewhere she can finally take the mask off. Inside, you’re not asked to explain yourself, justify what happened, or rehash the past. You’re witnessed by other women who simply get it, while you learn to stay connected to yourself and regulate your nervous system. It’s completely confidential, with two calls a month and a sisterhood circle on Telegram for the in-between moments, so you’re always held. You don’t have to do this part alone anymore. Click here to explore The Sanctuary.

    20 min

  6. May 19

    S2#041 – Why You Felt More Alive in the Affair Than You Have in Years (with Lauren Tobey)

    You probably know what it feels like to live two lives at once. The one that everyone can see - where you're capable, together, achieving, holding it all together. And the one underneath, where you feel lonely, disconnected, asking yourself, is this it? Where you stopped being desired. Stopped being seen as anything other than the wife, the mother, the high-flying executive, the one that doesn’t need anything. And then the affair happened. And even though this feels terrifying to say out loud, you felt more alive than you had in years. In this episode of The Deeper Love Podcast, I'm joined by trauma-informed coach Lauren Tobey for a conversation about who you actually are underneath the mask of the high achieving good girl you've worn your whole life. After ten years of marriage, an executive career, and a life that looked enviable from the outside, she found herself numb, divorced, and disconnected. Through her own inward journey she realised there was someone much more real and true that had been hiding underneath all the achievement. And from there she could experience love and connection in a whole new way. Together, we explore: Why so many high-achieving women feel numb on the inside while looking impressive from the outsideWhat the affair was actually doing for your nervous systemHow childhood patterns of mirroring and keeping-the-peace taught you to abandon yourself long before your marriageWhy marriages slowly become transactional, and how that quietly sets the stage for everything elseWhy talk therapy alone often can't shift what's frozen in the bodyThe myth of the finish line of healing, and why selling it is doing real harm to womenWhat becomes possible when you stop running from yourself and start walking towards her This is a conversation about the woman underneath the mask, and the long, non-linear work of meeting her. If this resonated If something in this episode landed, if you recognised the mask, the numbness, the sense of having quietly disappeared from your own life, this is the work I hold space for inside The Sanctuary. The Sanctuary is my ongoing, gentle space for women in the aftermath of their own betrayal who are tired of holding everything together on their own. It exists for the woman who is doing 'all the right things' but still feels tight, disconnected, and alone inside. For the woman who needs somewhere her body can finally exhale. Inside The Sanctuary, you're not asked to explain yourself, justify what happened, or earn your place by being forgiven. You are held where you are, while learning how to stay connected to yourself, regulate your nervous system, and live with responsibility without self-abandonment. You don't have to do this part alone anymore. Click here to discover more About Lauren Tobey Lauren Tobey is a double-certified trauma specialist, NLP master practitioner, and the creator of the spiral framework, a body of work that helps women understand healing as a non-linear process of returning to themselves again and again. Her own journey began in 2020 when, after a decade-long marriage, an adoption, and an executive role at a non-profit, she found herself in a complete identity rupture: divorced, dissociated, and unable to locate the woman beneath the high-achiever mask she had worn her whole life. A subsequent layoff a few years later confirmed what she'd begun to suspect: her sense of self had been quietly outsourced for as long as she could remember. Lauren is the host of The Spiral Podcast and the author of Spiraling Into Control, a book that reframes 'spiralling' from a sign of breakdown into a natural rhythm of human evolution. You can find Lauren at: LaurenTobey.com The Spiral Podcast (wherever you listen to podcasts) - https://open.spotify.com/show/6rkXUS2gvWdzDU5DyabECh?si=8f8c0b8e595e4c2d

    1h 1m

  7. May 12

    S2#040 – Why Punishing Yourself for the Affair Isn’t the Same as Taking Accountability

    A lot of women think accountability means suffering. That if you punish yourself long enough… if you accept enough rage… if you hand over every detail… if you shrink yourself into the smallest, most “perfect” version of you… then maybe you’ll finally have paid for what you did. But punishment isn’t the same as accountability. In this episode, Alex responds to a question she hears often: “Are you letting women off the hook?”, especially from betrayed partners who fear that compassion equals excuse-making. Alex speaks directly to the husbands who are listening, validates the devastation of betrayal trauma and then names something most people miss: A woman drowning in shame cannot love well from that place. This isn’t about justifying an affair. It’s about understanding the deeper pattern beneath it, the part of you that learned to bury your truth just to be loved, so you can stop performing remorse and start doing the real work of change. Because real accountability isn’t passive. It’s not “take the punishment and hope it fixes you.” It’s the harder path: meeting what was underneath, taking responsibility for your unmet needs, and learning to meet them in a way that doesn’t destroy what you love. In This Episode, We Explore: Why affairs don’t begin in the bedroom: they begin in the parts of you that learned to bury your truth to be lovedThe common fear: “Is this work just giving women an excuse?”A message directly to betrayed partners: your rage, fear, shame, anxiety and disbelief are validWhy shame keeps a woman disconnected and why she can’t love well from that placeThe difference between wanting the relationship to go “back to normal” vs creating something new and realWhy punishment doesn’t change patterns (and a powerful story from Alex’s time as a TV executive to explain why)What accountability actually looks like: active, confronting, and deeply honestWhy “performing accountability” keeps the mask intact (strong, capable, perfect on the outside)The real question: What was the affair trying to fill in you, not in your relationship, but in you?How to begin: locating what you’re feeling in the body (chest, throat, belly) and letting that be the starting pointWhy breaking the cycle is bigger than “never cheat again”, it’s ending the pattern of always putting yourself last If This Resonated: If you’re in the aftermath and you can feel something shifting as you listen, if you’re tired of performing remorse, tired of spiralling alone, tired of carrying this in secret, The Sanctuary is where you start. The Sanctuary is a completely confidential space for women whose affair is over, but everything is still raw and unresolved. Nothing is recorded. Nothing leaves the room. We meet twice a month on Zoom, with a private Telegram community for the moments you need to say the thing you’ve never been able to say out loud. £97/month (3-month minimum). https://www.alexcroxford.com/the-sanctuary And if you feel ready for deeper private support, you’ll also find ways to work with Alex 1:1 in the show notes.

    19 min

  8. May 5

    S2#039 – Why Women Cheat: One Woman's Story of Affair, Accountability and Starting Over with Hope Manzano

    In this raw, deeply human conversation, Alex is joined by Hope Manzano: Mum, entrepreneur and content creator who shares publicly about her affair online. It is rare to find another woman who is willing to stand up and say I made a mistake too, and in this episode, Hope shares the real story behind her affair - there was no abuse, or unbearable arguments, but instead a perfect looking marriage on the outside and years of emotional disconnection on the inside. Together, Alex and Hope explore what it’s like to live in secrecy and shame, what happens when the truth finally comes out, and why taking accountability is not the same as accepting punishment. This episode is for anyone who has cheated and wants to feel less alone. It’s a conversation about what happens when the truth comes out and the possibility of building a new life from the rubble. In this episode, we explore: How Hope’s affair began even though she believed “I’m not that kind of person” The loneliness of being in a marriage that looks fine on the outside but feels dead on the insideWhy fear of being “the bad guy” can keep you trapped in an unhappy marriage for yearsThe moment Hope’s ex-husband discovered the affair and why she chose full disclosure (no trickle truth)The cost of secrecy on the nervous system, and the relief that can come when the truth is finally outTelling your children the truth: shame, repair, and rebuilding respect over timeWhy sharing every detail can be more harmful than healingHow self-abandonment shows up both before the affair and in the attempted repair afterwardWhy “once a cheat, always a cheat” misses the real point and what actually breaks the cycle A few key takeaways Secrecy is corrosive. The body pays a price for what we hide.Accountability isn’t self-erasure. You can own what you did without accepting ongoing punishment.Details aren’t always healing. Some information becomes a weapon, not a bridge.Affairs are often a symptom. The deeper pattern is usually years of self-betrayal and disconnection.There is hope. Not in bypassing the harm but in facing the truth and choosing a new way forward. About Hope Manzano Hope Manzano is a Mum and entrepreneur who shares honest reflections on past relationships, self-growth, accountability, and personal evolution. Through her social media platform, she speaks openly about the complexity of human connection and the healing that can begin when we bring what’s hidden into the light. Connect with Hope Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/happily.affair.after Work with Alex If you’re in the aftermath of an affair and everything feels like it’s on fire: The Sanctuary is where you start. The Sanctuary is for the woman whose world just blew apart and needs somewhere safe to land. It’s not therapy or a course. It’s the space that helps you stop the spiral, soften the shame, and find your footing again: so you can actually take the next right step. If your affair is over and you’re still in the wreckage (even if it’s only been days), you don’t have to carry this alone. This is where you start: https://www.alexcroxford.com/the-sanctuary And if you feel ready for deeper, private support to heal the root of the pattern and come home to yourself, you can also explore Alex’s 1:1 coaching here: https://www.alexcroxford.com/1-to-1-coaching

    53 min
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About

Join Alex Croxford on The Deeper Love Podcast as she guides women healing after betraying someone they loved. Through raw, compassionate conversations, The Deeper Love Podcast dives beneath the affair to the silence, the self-betrayal, and the parts of yourself you’ve forgotten. This is your space to release shame, face the truth, and begin again. With honest stories, intimate interviews, and deep guidance, The Deeper Love Podcast will help you rise from the ashes into love that feels safe, soft, and true.

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