Practicing Love: Have the Best Love and Sex of Your Life After 40

Shana James
  • 5.0 (10)
  • Relationships
  • Updated Weekly

Love between humans is not easy, and most of us never had great examples or education about emotions, communication, sex, or what keeps love alive. When you add the challenges of aging to the mix, love becomes even more complicated. Many people end up settling, or giving up on what they want most. But you don't have to! Dating and relationships become easier when you hear people share vulnerably about their struggles, and how they've created more connection and excitement. I bring my 20 years of experience, coaching thousands of people, to help you see what's possible, and how the practice of love makes it possible to have the best love and sex of your life! Find out how to have the best love and sex of your life! https://shanajamescoaching.com/goodies

  1. #59: The Dating Move That Tells You Everything (Before You're in Too Deep)

    3d ago

    #59: The Dating Move That Tells You Everything (Before You're in Too Deep)

    Many people enter dating determined to avoid conflict. They smile through uncomfortable conversations, overlook comments that don't sit right, or convince themselves they're being "easygoing." Especially for those dating after 40 or dating after divorce, staying agreeable can feel like the safest way to protect themselves from rejection or disappointment. But according to relationship and dating coach Shana James, this habit often prevents people from discovering whether someone is truly capable of building a healthy relationship. In this solo episode of Practicing Love, I, Shana James, share the third move in my series on transforming modern dating. While the first two episodes focused on creating an honest atmosphere at the start of a date and staying connected to your own experience throughout the conversation, this episode explores what to do when something doesn't feel quite right. Most people respond to uncomfortable moments in one of two ways. They either smooth things over and pretend nothing happened or they emotionally check out of the conversation without saying a word. Although both reactions are understandable, neither helps you learn whether the person sitting across from you can handle honesty, curiosity, and emotional intimacy. Instead, Shana encourages listeners to do something surprisingly simple: acknowledge what you're experiencing. Rather than accusing your date or making assumptions about their intentions, she recommends expressing your own internal experience. A sentence as simple as, "Can I say something honest?" followed by sharing what you noticed in yourself can completely transform the conversation. This isn't about creating conflict or turning a first date into therapy. It's about inviting authenticity. When you honestly express a small moment of discomfort, your date's response becomes valuable information. They may become curious, defensive, dismissive, or open. Every response reveals something about their emotional maturity and their ability to navigate real relationships. Drawing from years of coaching experience, I share story of a divorced client who repeatedly invested months into relationships before discovering important incompatibilities. By practising this simple shift, he learned to recognize emotional availability within the first hour of meeting someone instead of months later. The goal isn't to test people or create uncomfortable conversations for their own sake. It's to stop performing and start discovering. Together, the three shifts in this series create a new approach to dating—one rooted in honesty instead of approval, curiosity instead of performance, and genuine connection instead of self-protection. Rather than hoping love happens by chance, you begin creating the conditions where authentic intimacy can grow. CHAPTERS Why Small Moments of Friction Matter in Dating The Cost of Staying Silent to Keep the Peace Emotional Maturity vs. Emotional Avoidance The Third Shift: Speak Your Truth with Honesty How to Say "Can I Say Something Honest?" What Someone's Response Reveals About Them A Real-Life Example of Honest Dating in Action The Three Shifts That Create Authentic Connection Building Lasting Love Through Openness and Presence Final Thoughts: Practicing Love After 40 Connect with Shana:  Website: https://shanajamescoaching.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/shanajames/

    15 min
  2. #58: The Dead Bedroom Fix: Why Intimacy Dies and How to Bring It Back

    Jun 25

    #58: The Dead Bedroom Fix: Why Intimacy Dies and How to Bring It Back

    What happens when the person you love feels more like a roommate than a romantic partner? A dead bedroom isn't just about sex. For many people, it feels like rejection, loneliness, and the slow loss of emotional connection. It can leave partners wondering: "What's wrong with me?" "Why doesn't my partner want me?" "Can we ever get back what we had?" In this episode of Practicing Love, I sit down with speaker, author, and founder of Help for Men, Ralph Brewer, whose book The Dead Bedroom Fix has resonated with thousands of men and couples. Ralph shares his own journey through divorce, starting over as a father of three, and what he learned about intimacy, attachment, confidence, and healing. Together we explore:  Why dead bedrooms rarely happen because of sex alone  The connection between attachment styles and intimacy struggles  Why many men feel forgotten, unwanted, or emotionally alone  The shame that keeps people stuck  What confidence really means  Why asking for help is one of the strongest things we can do  Why becoming secure is a practice, not an overnight transformation  How addressing the "broken little boy" inside can change your relationships forever This conversation is for anyone who feels lonely in their relationship, longs for more intimacy, or wants to understand why connection fades and how to rebuild it. Because a dead bedroom isn't always the end of a relationship. Sometimes it's an invitation to finally have the conversations and do the healing that bring love back to life. Guest Resources Ralph Brewer's book: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=The+Dead+Bedroom+Fix+Ralph+Brewer Help for Men: https://helpformen.com/ The Brotherhood: https://thebrotherhoodcommunity.com/ Resources from Shana Find out what gets in the way of you having the best sex of your life: https://bestlove.scoreapp.com/?ref=podcast Learn more about Honest Sex: https://shanajamescoaching.com/honest-sex/ Schedule an Effortless Love and Sex Consultation: https://shanajamescoaching.com/consult   Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/prigida/burble License code: CNP489SMTIUXHOMC

    42 min
  3. #57: Stop wondering if they like you: The dating question that changes everything

    Jun 21

    #57: Stop wondering if they like you: The dating question that changes everything

    If you've ever left a date replaying every moment in your head, analyzing every text message, or wondering whether you said the wrong thing, you're not alone. For many people, especially those dating after 40 or dating after divorce, first dates aren't actually about getting to know someone. They're about trying to figure out whether you're being liked. In this solo episode of Practicing Love, dating and relationship coach Shana James reveals the second mindset shift in her series on transforming modern dating. While the first shift focused on changing the dynamic of a date by naming a shared intention at the beginning, this episode explores the internal habit that quietly sabotages connection long after the conversation begins. The problem isn't always obvious. Once a date gets underway, many people naturally fall back into monitoring themselves. They start wondering: "Am I coming across well?" "Do they like me?" "Am I attractive enough?" "Did I say the wrong thing?" According to Shana, this constant self-monitoring creates a split in attention. Part of you is present in the conversation, while another part is standing outside the experience, evaluating your performance. The result? You become less available for authentic connection. Instead of being fully present, you're busy reading facial expressions, decoding reactions, and trying to predict whether the other person approves of you. Even emotionally intelligent and self-aware people fall into this trap because it can disguise itself as attentiveness or empathy. Shana explains that the question most people unconsciously ask on dates is: "Do they like me?" But she offers a much more powerful alternative: "Do I like how I'm showing up in this conversation?" That single shift changes everything. Rather than making yourself the object of someone else's evaluation, you become the subject of your own experience. Instead of navigating dating through self-doubt, you begin navigating through self-worth. This perspective allows you to notice whether you're being authentic, whether you're genuinely enjoying yourself, and whether the connection aligns with your values. It also helps you stop performing and start participating. Drawing from her coaching experience and examples from clients, Shana demonstrates how this question can transform shallow, frustrating dates into meaningful conversations. When people stop focusing on being chosen and start focusing on whether they're enjoying the connection, they gain the confidence to steer conversations in more authentic directions. The outcome isn't necessarily a perfect date. It's something more valuable: a real experience rooted in honesty, curiosity, and self-trust. CHAPTERS Welcome Back to the Dating Shift Series Why Dating Feels Better… Then Gets Hard Again The Hidden Question Running Most Dates The Cost of Constant Self-Monitoring When Emotional Intelligence Becomes Performance Why Great Dates Stay Shallow The Dating Question That Changes Everything Moving From Self-Doubt to Self-Worth What You Notice When You Stop Seeking Approval Client Story: Breaking the Post-Date Anxiety Cycle How to Turn a Boring Date Into a Meaningful One Why Dating Feels Easier When You Stay Connected to Yourself The Two Questions That Create Completely Different Dates Your New Dating Compass Preview of the Next Dating Shift

    20 min
  4. #56: How to Create a Conflict-Proof Relationship

    Jun 11

    #56: How to Create a Conflict-Proof Relationship

    What does it take to create a relationship that survives life's challenges and? My guest, Geoff Laughton, has been married for 44 years. He and his wife have been through experiences that would have ended many relationships, but their marriage has continued to deepen and evolve. In this conversation Geoff shares why conflict isn't something to avoid, but one of the greatest opportunities for growth, intimacy, and deeper connection. Geoff is a relationship coach, men's coach, founder of The Undaunted Man, and author of Conflict-Proof Relationship, in addition to other books.  We explore: • Why love alone is not enough to make a relationship work • The surprising role conflict plays in healthy relationships • How to take responsibility for your emotions before communicating • What true forgiveness requires after betrayal or broken trust • Why your partner isn't understood until they feel understood • The danger of assuming your partner thinks like you • What is more important than trying to get back to the way things used to be One of my favorite insights from this conversation is that healthy relationships aren't conflict-free. They stay healthy by  learning to navigate conflict consciously and use it as an opportunity to grow. If you've ever struggled with communication, recurring arguments, betrayal, or feeling misunderstood, this episode offers a powerful roadmap toward deeper connection and lasting love. Resources: Find Geoff:  https://yourrelationshiparchitect.com/  https://yourrelationshiparchitect.com/published-books/  https://theundauntedman.com/   Find Shana: https://shanajamescoaching.com/ https://shanajamescoaching.com/consult       Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/prigida/burble License code: CHROXRSGACRHE8NP

    39 min
  5. #55: What Women Wish Men Knew About Sex, Desire, and Connection

    Jun 4

    #55: What Women Wish Men Knew About Sex, Desire, and Connection

    Most men were never taught how to navigate a woman's desires. In fact, many were taught to fear them. In this candid and sometimes provocative conversation, intimacy expert Susan Bratton and I explore what becomes possible when women stop hiding what they want and men stop seeing desire as something they have to control, manage, or perform around. Susan has spent decades helping people create what she calls "heart-connected, conscious, passionate lovemaking." Together we explore why great sex isn't about performance, techniques, or getting it right. It's about presence, self-expression, emotional safety, and the courage to tell the truth. We talk about: • The difference between conscious lovemaking and performative sex • Why many women struggle to express what they truly want • How a woman's desires can become a roadmap rather than something to fear • What happens when partners stop trying to control each other and start co-creating • How heart connection creates deeper intimacy and better sex • Why asking for what you want is one of the greatest gifts you can give a partner • The surprising ways long-term relationships stay alive, erotic, and connected Susan shares stories from her own life, relationships, and decades of teaching that challenge conventional ideas about sex, intimacy, and partnership. While some parts of this conversation are refreshingly direct and adult in nature, the deeper invitation is one we all need: to stop performing, start telling the truth, and create relationships where we can be fully known and fully loved. If you've ever wondered how to create deeper connection, more satisfying intimacy, or a relationship where desire can be spoken openly, this conversation is for you. Get Susan's twice weekly tips for great sex at: https://betterlover.com/ https://www.youtube.com/c/BetterLover Take Shana's quiz to see what's keeping you from the best love and sex of your life: https://bestlove.scoreapp.com/     Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/prigida/burble License code: WGWRQANBJDWAVVM

    29 min
  6. #54: Stop Getting Ghosted: The First Date Move You need to know

    May 29

    #54: Stop Getting Ghosted: The First Date Move You need to know

    Dating after 40, especially dating after divorce,  is supposed to get easier. You know yourself better. You're done with the games. You're clear on what you want. But somehow, the dates still feel like performances. The apps still feel like a chore. And getting ghosted still stings just as much as it did decades ago. That's exactly where this episode begins. In this solo episode of Practicing Love, host and dating coach Shana James gets specific about why dating feels so exhausting after 40. She explains why the fix is simpler and stranger than most people expect. The episode opens with a promise from the previous episode: that the real reason love feels hard to find isn't your age, your circumstances, or the myth that all the good ones are taken. It's that your protection is working too well. And the first move to shift that protection? It doesn't require more therapy, more affirmations, or another workshop. It can happen in the first two minutes of your next date. Most people think the first move is updating their photos, downloading apps, or saying yes to more social events. Shana calls these moves five, six, and seven. Without the real first move, everything that follows feels hollow. Dates feel like auditions, people never quite clear the bar, and the connection that could be there stays just out of reach. The real first move is naming the context of the date out loud. This comes before the small talk takes over. Rather than two people silently performing at each other, quietly asking, " Am I good enough? Will they like me? Where is this going?" You simply say it differently. Something like: "I'm more interested in being real here than trying to impress each other. Can we keep this date honest and relaxed?" That's it. A few sentences that shift the entire dynamic from a silent auction to a shared exploration. Shana draws on over 20 years of coaching and her own dating experience across her twenties, thirties, and forties. She uses every date as an experiment in what creates real connection versus what creates more disconnection, anxiety, and the painful emotional rollercoaster that follows. Her clients initially resist this approach. It feels too weird. Too heavy. Too much. But when they try it, what happens is the opposite of what they fear. Dates feel lighter, not heavier. Conversations go somewhere real. The ghosting and post-date spiralling stop because the date was grounded in reality from the start. This is what Shana calls relational leadership. And it's available to anyone willing to value connection more than performance. CHAPTERS Why Love Feels Harder to Find After 40 The First Move Nobody Talks About Why Apps and Events Aren't Enough The Real First Move: Naming the Context What to Actually Say at the Start of a Date Different Kinds of Connection After 40 The Gap Between Knowing and Practicing Vulnerability What Happens When Someone Responds With Relief Relational Leadership: Dating as Something You Create The Honest Dating Guide and What's Inside

    27 min
  7. #53: The Real Reason Love Feels Harder to Find After 40 (It's Not What You Think)

    May 15

    #53: The Real Reason Love Feels Harder to Find After 40 (It's Not What You Think)

    Most people dating after 40s have a theory about why love hasn't happened yet. The age. The baggage. The kids. The schedule. Relationship and dating coach Shana James says every one of those theories is wrong, not because the challenges aren't real, but because they're symptoms, not the cause. In this episode of Practicing Love, Shana explains that the real obstacle is almost never circumstantial. It's internal. After real loss, divorce, grief, relationships that ran out of road, the mind builds a protection system that made complete sense at the time but is now keeping love at arm's length. "You've become very, very good at keeping yourself safe. And that same skill is now keeping love at arm's length." That overprotection shows up in recognizable ways: overanalyzing a potential partner in the first few dates and finding a reason to exit early, staying so busy there's never space for someone new, numbing the desire for emotional connection, or keeping things surface-level because that level doesn't hurt. These behaviors feel responsible and self-aware. They're actually the protection working against you. Shana then walks through three shifts that change things. Moving from performing confidence to being vulnerable. Filtering for growth rather than perfection. And deciding to practice readiness instead of waiting to feel ready, because, as she puts it, ready is not a feeling that arrives before you act. It's what happens as you act. She also addresses a grief many people carry but rarely say out loud: the fear that real, electric love is a younger person's experience. Drawing on Gottman research, she argues that love after 40 doesn't have a lower ceiling. It just has a different ignition. Safety comes before chemistry, and the connection that grows from genuine safety reaches a depth that chemistry-first relationships rarely achieve. CHAPTERS Why Your Theory About Love is Wrong What Genuinely Changes After 40 The Protection System Working Against You  How Overprotection Shows Up in Dating  Love After 40 Doesn't Have a Lower Ceiling  Three Shifts That Open You Back Up  Client Story  Conclusion Connect with Shana:  Website: https://shanajamescoaching.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/shanajames/

    16 min
  8. #52: The Truth About Betrayal: Why It Happens and How Couples Heal

    Apr 30

    #52: The Truth About Betrayal: Why It Happens and How Couples Heal

    Betrayal can feel like it shatters everything. Trust, safety, identity can be gone in an instant. But betrayal is also more complex than we've been led to believe. In this episode of Practicing Love, I'm joined by The Therapy Brothers, Brannon and Tyler Patrick, who specialize in helping individuals and couples navigate betrayal, addiction, and the painful path of rebuilding trust. We explore what's really happening beneath betrayal, and what it actually takes to heal. Because betrayal isn't always about a lack of love. Sometimes it's: A lack of courage A hidden addiction or compulsive behavior An inability to face shame or be fully known Or a desperate (and often unconscious) attempt to escape We talk about the different "flavors" of betrayal, why it can feel so shocking and disorienting to the betrayed partner, and why healing requires both compassion and accountability. In this episode, we explore: The different patterns that lead people to betray trust What happens internally for both the betrayer and the betrayed Why secrecy and shame keep people stuck...and how to break that cycle Early signs that something may be off in a relationship How to approach a partner when you sense disconnection or dishonesty What it really takes to rebuild trust (and why it can't be rushed) Why healing requires individual work, not just relationship repair We also talk about something many people don't realize: The relationship issue is often a symptom, not the root problem. Unless that deeper work is addressed, true repair isn't possible. This conversation is honest, nuanced, and grounded in their real experience working with couples in the most painful and confusing moments of their relationships. If you've experienced betrayal, fear it, or want to understand it more deeply, this episode offers both clarity and a path forward.   Find out how to have the best love and sex of your life!   Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/prigida/burble License code: 3XO0LDATK42BXEXU

    41 min
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5
out of 5
10 Ratings

About

Love between humans is not easy, and most of us never had great examples or education about emotions, communication, sex, or what keeps love alive. When you add the challenges of aging to the mix, love becomes even more complicated. Many people end up settling, or giving up on what they want most. But you don't have to! Dating and relationships become easier when you hear people share vulnerably about their struggles, and how they've created more connection and excitement. I bring my 20 years of experience, coaching thousands of people, to help you see what's possible, and how the practice of love makes it possible to have the best love and sex of your life! Find out how to have the best love and sex of your life! https://shanajamescoaching.com/goodies

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