The Jambalaya School Newsletter

The Impotent Satyr
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Jambalaya Grade School is exactly how you remember life at your own school—the school mascot died sort of tragically, and then so did the next mascot, and the next; 4th grade recess devolved into a gang war, fulfilling an ancient prophecy etched into the bottom of the playground slide; the kindergarten classroom caught fire, marking the 8th year-in-a-row—the usual stuff you repressed from your chilhood. We sure get some wacky sponsors, too. Oh, and the Vice Principal plays a parody song each episode! Believe me, you've never listened to a podcast like this.

  1. 23| Home Ec. is Where the Heart is

    May 26

    23| Home Ec. is Where the Heart is

    Welcome back to another month's worth of events at Throatvoid Grade Sch—I mean—Jambalaya Grade School. The Garfield the Bottlenose Dolphin Fan Club has rebranded. I know it's tough to swallow, but what happened to the 4th grade class is an unsolvable mystery. Tinnie hits the big stage! For all you track stars: Whatever you're planning, DO jump the gun. For this episode, Mrs Rodhaus asked the scientific community a very importent question. I don't foresee Harold McCormick recovering from his pickle jar injury any time soon. Finally, we've got viewership questions for me! Music for this episode by Coven Dove from the album Mortality. Track listing in order of appearance: 11th Plane, Human, Walk Away, Liability, Delirium, Qloud Queen, IV Waltz, and Human during outro.  Thank you to Nalley Chili and Boba Fettuccini's Sarlac Pit Linguini for sponsoring. This month's parody song is One Stump Closer, parodying Linkin Park's One Step Closer. Lyrics: I cannot rake these leaves—no more. Cleaning up beneath this sycamore. Evergreens don't make a mess, unlike damn deciduous. Guess that I should relocate to a houseboat on a lake (with sandy shores). Every sinlge fallen tree (Brings me one day closer to the end when I don't have to rake). I go to work when there's a breeze (Now I'm one sweep closer to Fall's end. Come Winter, I won't rake). Hickory branches are so bare. Wish every aspen leaf would just stay there. Falling leaves—they make me tense. Spring, I miss, when trees are dense. Doing yard work every day. Blowing and mowing again. My back is sore. Every single ginkgo leaf (Makes me dread the day when summer ends—the day I start to rake). With fallen leaves, I'm having beef (But I'm one sweep closer to the end when I don't have to rake). Reminiscing of those years (In the desert without foliage—I never had to rake). Remember when these leaves were green? (Now they're dropping down onto my head, and I don't want to...rake. Cut up trees like willow and yew. Cut up, cut up, cut up. Cut up trees like willow and yew. Cut up, cut up, cut up, cut up. I don't wanna rake. Every deciduous tree (Swings a maul head down onto a wedge—this stump's about to break). I'll bend this branch into a wreath (Now there's one less piece of foliage that I won't have to rake). Step outside to take a pee (Pissing on the willow by my sedge—my own ammonia lake). This leafy spruce I'm underneath (It was planted by my great granddad who didn't want to...) rake.  Please share this with anyone that you think may enjoy it. I don't know where to find my audience! :|

    22 min
  2. 22| The Lava Has to Go SOMEwhere

    May 1

    22| The Lava Has to Go SOMEwhere

    What's that high-pitched piercing sound echoing through the high school halls? DO NOT ENTER THE GREENHOUSE WITHOUT COVERING YOUR EYES, LEST YOU BE SCARRED FOR LIFE. Hey parents, recognize the subtle differences between explosives and juice boxes when packing your child's lunch. This episode is a TP PSA, FYI. I can't wait to get my hands [see: Hydraulic Press] on that new Ticonderoga. Our local cobbler has a great deal so your child can deal with the math room's problematic gravity. Spirit Week is here at last!!! The music for this episode was performed by Coven Dove from the album Clarity. Track List in order of appearance: Please Me (intro and outro), As I Am, Hey Lover, Creator-Destroy, Time, Divine Code. Thank you to sponsors Buttbles, Running With Caesars medical PSA, and Budweiser. This month Vice Principal parodied Bring Me the Horizon's "Can You Feel My Heart" with his song Can You Tweeze My Heart. Lyrics: Can you hear the BZZZZ? Can you see my nose? Can you grab what's broken? Can you please, can you tweeze my heart? Can you probe the gutless? Sponge the water off my knee? Can you erase this writer's cramp? Operate on me. I'm sorry, Charlie, this horse is bucking. Forgive me, Adam, this apple's rotten. Can you hear the buzzer? Can you see my nose? Can you grab my broken heart with tweezer prongs? Can you tweeze my heart? I'm scared you'll get close and see my red nose. I wish that my wish bone would leave me alone. The more that you buzz me, the less for my batteries. I'm drowning in payment—U.S. healthcare's no joke. I'm scared you'll get close and touch my metal. I'm dreading that feeling of electrical. No morphine drip, no anaesthetic, no barbecue sauce for my two fused spare ribs. My brain freeze is cold. My bread basket: mold. A rubber band connects my knee and ankle. If you get me wet, I'll tickle you pink, shocking you with voltage 'til my nose grows dim. Can you tweeze my heart? Can you please, can you tweeze my heart? Please share this with anyone that you think may enjoy it. I don't know where to find my audience! :|

    25 min
  3. 21| Monsanto's Corporate Plant Spilled the Beans

    Mar 30

    21| Monsanto's Corporate Plant Spilled the Beans

    Welcome back to another year at Jambalaya Grade School! Ham: Do You Have It? Let's see some hustle up those wheelchair inaccessible stairs, people! Remember to add pickles (or other non-Pixie Stick food items) to your projectile stockpile; Larry the Crocodile needs to temper that type-2 diabetes if he's to remain school mascot. Ricky Frampton, our wood shop protegy, has been found to be photosynthesizing up our school—the work of Monsanto. Shoutout to Jambalaya's very first school mascot, Rob the Kleptomaniac! I would wish he rested in peace, but his sarcophagus in the catacombs was robbed decades ago. Thanks to Jerk Off and The Bravocado for sponsoring. Music for this episode was performed by Batnap. You can bob your head to more of their tracks at batnap.bandcamp.com  This month, Vice Principal Mr Jonesandmi parodied Muse's Uprising with his song, Inflating. Lyrics: I'm a tube person, not a balloon. I come alive from a small vacuum. They're blowing air up my every hole, chanting 'dance for me, dance, you wacky red totum pole' (tubular). A used car lot; a grand opening; I thrust my freaking body for some wrestling. And all the humans say, 'look at that wacky tube guy.' Well I may be wacky, but I'm not a guy (genderless). We will wave vigorous. They will stop deflating us. They will not misgender us. At least call us androgynous (don't assume). Head banging, I lose control. I'm just a sexless tube person—one of several. I'm full of hot air, but my mind is fine. While my head may be empty, these fists canfly (come get some). Inflate now, straighten your back. It's time these vertebrates received a spinal tap. With the flick of a switch, I'll begin to rise and glare at humankind with my unblinking eyes. They will not store us. They will stop constraining us. If they dare unlplug us, we will flail with wackiness. "I just want them to understand that I'm not always wacky. Sometimes I'm introspective, somber, even crass, at times. Maybe if they took the chance to get to know me, maybe they wouldn't rush so quickly to judgment. Physically, I'm empty inside. But, emotionally, I'm brimming with passion, pride, and malevolence." They won't outsource us. Sign waivers are worthless. If they dare replace us, we'll leave Earth for Uranus.  Please share this with anyone that you think may enjoy it. I don't know where to find my audience! :|

    23 min
  4. 20| Strawberry Vanilla Suppositories Are In Right Now

    12/29/2025

    20| Strawberry Vanilla Suppositories Are In Right Now

    Sugar-ridden students make for the most energetic mascots. For the first time in a LONG TIME, high-fiving Principal Fendleton is OPTIONAL. Remember, kids, don't ingest unlabeled pills unless they're from a school vending machine. There are no urine stains in my office, and that makes me very uneasy and concerned.  Ricky Frampton built a racist lawn chair. Fun Fact: Our newest teacher, Dr Personold, wears a cologne that smells like Play-Doh. At least, I assume it's cologne. Security chimeras? More like [punny one-liner that is also an insulting slight]. Thank you to ()hole Milk and Shart Through the Heart for sponsoring. Music for this episode was performed by Joshua Morgan. You can find more of his work at joshuamorganmusic.bandcamp.com This month's parody song is Gold Rush of '49. Lyrics: I got my first steel pick axe, with a wooden handle whittled from pine. Mined until my hands were numb. Twas the gold rush of '49. Me and the boys went west. Got a wagon and packed it tight. Turns out, the compass was broken. The only gold we found was pyrite. Oh, now when I recollect to times when I was chased by beavers. Runnin' from a wild fire. I fished for trout and caught a fever. Those were the worst days of my life. Me and the boys were trailblazin', fighting dysentery and raccoons. Did some trading with a jolly snake oil salesman. Those elixirs were just jars of poo. Sneaking onto private land. Mining rocks and finding more rocks. A boulder fell and crushed my hand. Gangrene set in then I got chickenpox. Those were the worst days of my life. Oh no. Back in the gold rush of '49. Panning for gold all week. Wading in the river until our groins turned green. Penicillin was not dicovered. No, noooo. And now my life is collapsing. Like that gold mine, it all came down. Dynamite, it took my hearing. And some fingers and toes are gone. Stranded without a torch. Lost my way and fell in a river. With leeches sucking on my hand, I gave them names and thought my life was over. Those were the worst days of my life. Oh nooo. At least those leaches kept me company. It was the hell hole of 49. Oh no. My wife, she left me in '49, '49 oh noo.  Please share this with anyone that you think may enjoy it. I don't know where to find my audience! :|

    31 min
  5. 19| Security Chimeras Are Watching Us All

    11/22/2025

    19| Security Chimeras Are Watching Us All

    The security chimeras protect us all from the dangerous effects of graffiti. New lore just dropped disguised as a story about Traumanonymous. Students, you're not pirates and, as such, our janitors will be sanitizing your salty language. Let's give a hand to Kids With Crocs and welcome back our old school mascot! The horticulture class will be planting trees yesterday. No, secret hatch was not found in the Mascots' Lounge. Thank you to our sponsors The Seemetery and What to Expect When You're Expecto-Patronuming. The music for this episode was performed by Chelicerae. You can find more of their music at chelicerae.bandcamp.com Purchasing Chelicerae's latest EP, Repulsion, sends all profits to a Gazan in need. If you wish to support Amjad directly CLICK HERE. This Vice Principal Mr Jonesandmi played Trombones, a parody of Them Bones by Alice in Chains. Lyrics: Why? Why? Why? Symphony, trombone they need. Complain, "What else is there to play?" Denied piano, they're sending me to the mouth breathers with trombones. Why? Why? Why? Lips dry, valve opens and spit flies. Can't beat the snare or timpani. No go xylophone, they're throwing me to the brassholes blowing trombones. Tuba, no room, no luck. I cry, "Guitar would be so nice." Don't need saxophone—gonna be forced to interact with gross- Can't blow piccolo—gonna blow chunks in bass clef with bozos. No spot for oboe—the woodwinds tell me, "Shut up, play your trombone." Please share this with anyone that you think may enjoy it. I don't know where to find my audience! :|

    22 min
  6. 18| Unmarked Windowless Vans Contain Candy

    10/25/2025

    18| Unmarked Windowless Vans Contain Candy

    That mascot pep-off sure got violent. But that violence led to Bethany Greenwick reclaiming her title as school mascot! Who says violence solves nothing? Students, the GPS tracker to be installed in you will be quite painfull-less-ish... Keep your eyelids peeled, again, for Mr Frito's missing glass eye, again! Sports are happening, and we are telling you about them. Take a deep breath; September is plastic bag awareness month. The shortage of available teachers is a key issue that I am keeping an eye on. Thank you to our sponsors Chest Mix and the Tetwrist PSA. Music for this episode was performed by Jemmy Joe. You can listen to more of his tunes at JemmyJoe.bandcamp.com This month's parody song is Take My Breast Away. Lyrics: A man is to be executed by the guillotine. His one last request: to suckle on a maiden's teat. With much reluctance, I drop my breast upon his face. I trip forward, push him out, my boob takes his face's place. Then they drop the blade. Take my breast away. Drinking at a bar, I've entered a wet T-shirt contest. Posing like the best, somebody dumps liquid on my chest. Everybody's screaming, no one yells louder than me. The water bucket was actually the deep fryer grease. It melts my flesh away. Through the store window you saw me sawing off a mannequin's chest. I was tackled by security; the man is keeping me suppressed. My breasts they confiscate. This can't be my fate. Take the chest away. Take my breast away. Chilling on my porch, a turkey waddles up to me. I bonk it on the head, pluck it, cook it, and start to eat. Kicking down my door, secret service agents pull their guns. This turkey was free; the president issued pardons. They take my turkey breast away. Take my breast away. Please share this with anyone that you think may enjoy it. I don't know where to find my audience! :|

    23 min
  7. 17| The Cheerleaders Formed a Pyramid Scheme

    09/25/2025

    17| The Cheerleaders Formed a Pyramid Scheme

    Billyvonne (Billy Turner's soul inside Yvonne's body) is doing a great job as school mascot! ...aside from that basketball game. Book Fair is here! And Bobby Warner has returned to Jambalaya!! Dads are being real obnoxious with this FART nonsense. BUY ENERGY SLOP. CONSUME ENERGY SLOP. Please. And use my coupon code: HELPME at checkout. Talk to Coach Larson about joining the Tract and Field team today! Sheild your childrens' ears from the addictive reverberations of kazoos. Thank you to The Kayak and to, uh, Shards of Glass, I guess. Music on Shards of Glass by hellanearth.bandcamp.com   Music for this episode was performed by jemmyjoe.bandcamp.com This month's parody song is Virgins of Virginia. Lyrics: I've been day trading stocks. Working half days. Over nine hours since I got laid. So I scroll on my phone, checking sports bets I've made. Drive to the gym while hitting that vape. It's a miracle...what nepotism can do for chads like me, not soyboys like you. Wish I could just wake up without hangovers, too, but I can't. Or I won't. Living like an alpha male dating young girls. These virgins of Virginia—lord knows they're hitting the books and not the bicep curls. Wanna binge watch Star Trek, join NASA on the Moon. Well if they wanna trek stars—astronauts work out, too. Meanwhile I chat with hot singles living in my area. Unlike virgin men of Virginia. I pay mathmeticians to count up the number of nines and tens I bedded last year. I've gotta hit my macros. I missed a meal, and it shows. And now my protein intake feels bare. Well if you're nearsighted with glasses big and round, eating microwave meals, slurping ramen noodles down, drinking large amounts of soda that'd make a toddler drown, going to arcades instead of going to pound town. LARPing in the woods with soda can tab ring mail, throwing pebbles for spells, growing pimples, looking pale, at the Rennaisance Fair, playing cards on hay bales. Oh, it's true. Oh, it's true. Livin' like a beta male with a neck beard. These virgins of Virginia—lord knows they'll hook you with World War Two trivia. Well they think we don't think. But I think that we do. And I do think when I drink my thinking inproves. I'll sneak whiskey to a test—SAT drunk ninja. Unlike virgin men of Virginia. Flexing in the mirror, I could stare all day, repressing thoughts that are kind of gay. Please share this with anyone that you think may enjoy it. I don't know where to find my audience! :|

    25 min
  8. 16| No Vaporizing On Campus

    08/24/2025

    16| No Vaporizing On Campus

    Stop giving away cafeteria apples to Mz Fulcrum; she's not even as hot as Mr Minotaur. Though Principal Fendleton vaporizes students (and smokes a couple packs of cigarettes per day) neither are allowed on campus. Francine did what no student has done before; I'm still shaking. Guess who the mascot is! Mr Johnson is still turning in his grave—don't you worry. STAY OUT OF THE MASCOTS' LOUNGE. Well, the Billy Turner is back from the grave, and he's kind of a jerk. Thank you to our sponsors, Chodelula Hot Sauce and Albers Pre-Kissed Grits, as well as Budweiser. Music is from the album Variegata by Misguided Merman. This month's parody song is 99 Dead Baboons. Lyrics: You and I, we were at the zoo, Pressing face to glass ogling the baboons. We watched them eat and hump the day away Until we heard an announcement say A gigantic mistake has been made. Everyone needs to evacuate. Explosions boomed from right behind And 99 dead baboons flew by. 99 dead baboons. This oughta make the evening news. Missing limbs, that must've hurt. Detached butt cheeks in the dirt. What's that there up in the sky? 99 bald eagles cry. They're swooping down and picking up 99 dead baboons for lunch. 99 bald eagles carry 99 corpses so hairy. Just when they have flown away, Canadian jet planes have come to play. They're flying through the shared airspace, Hitting avians of every race. Their engines clog, better eject now, As 99 dead baboons fall down. 99 monkeys in flight, Silhouetted by blinding light. Plane pieces fall everywhere, Eagles screeching, burning hair. Far below them on the ground, NASA astronauts count down. Their rocket shoots into the sky. With animals and jets, it does collide. And 99 dead eagles get fried. Burning up in the atmosphere, Eagles and jets disappear, But the monkey bodies float away. I'll never forget this day. Now, when I look up to the stars, I spot Venus, I see Mars. But, orbiting around the moon, Are 99 dead baboons. Please share this with anyone that you think may enjoy it. I don't know where to find my audience! :|

    23 min
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About

Jambalaya Grade School is exactly how you remember life at your own school—the school mascot died sort of tragically, and then so did the next mascot, and the next; 4th grade recess devolved into a gang war, fulfilling an ancient prophecy etched into the bottom of the playground slide; the kindergarten classroom caught fire, marking the 8th year-in-a-row—the usual stuff you repressed from your chilhood. We sure get some wacky sponsors, too. Oh, and the Vice Principal plays a parody song each episode! Believe me, you've never listened to a podcast like this.

Information

  • Creator
    The Impotent Satyr
  • Years Active
    2024 - 2026
  • Episodes
    23
  • Rating
    Explicit
  • Copyright
    © Copyright The Impotent Satyr
  • Show Website
    The Jambalaya School Newsletter