Bad Mothers began as an outlet for me to write about how women can subvert their assigned scripts, particularly around motherhood. I advocate for abortion rights, reproductive justice, the right to be a “working” mom or a stay at home mom without judgement, and especially the right to not be a mom at all. When I shared an essay about how I became estranged from my mother nearly twenty years ago, I heard from many women who had a similar conflict in their lives, and I realized that in addition to the facetious “bad mother” title of my Substack, there is also room to talk about actual bad mothers — mothers who persistently let their own emotions and desires override those of their daughters. To be clear, I often argue for all women, including mothers, to be able to do just that. But in my opinion, estrangement most often occurs when the mother is simply unable to prioritize her daughter’s needs even when her daughter is asking for it directly and desperately. So, the meaning of Bad Mothers expanded, and the podcast allowed me to interview more women who had fraught or non-existent relationships with their own mothers to ask about how things fell apart, how they feel now, and whether they wanted kids of their own in the wake of that breakdown. This season, I was happy to expand the scope slightly to talk to more women who write about motherhood in a way I found compelling and hopeful. Kate Muir and Melissa Fraterrigo are what I would consider “good” mothers in that they told me about how they try to be there for their kids in the way their kids need them to be. For Kate, it was how she managed a divorce she needed in a way that prioritized her children’s emotions. Melissa nearly brought me to tears when she talked about being an imperfect mother but always being willing to apologize and own up to her fallibility: I think both these women are teaching their daughters incredibly important things about life and being a woman. And speaking of moms who are trying — how about stepmoms! My step-mom of 25 years, Julie, and I put it all out there in Episode 3, where she talked about how difficult it was — and sometimes still is — finding her role with me. Of course I still spoke to women who know a lot about estrangement, including Dr. Bridgette Petit, Tam Stevens and Megan Margherio. Bridgette explained how she advises patients who are struggling with family relationships, and I especially enjoyed that her advice is focused on you. Tam explained some of the reasons she sees estrangement occur. While politics might not be the reason, it can serve as a breaking point. (This is something Maggie Frank-Hsu covered in a recent guest essay from Ashley Scoby on Estranged). Megan shared the moment she realized she could mourn the idea of a mother she never had and still walk away from a mother who hurt her. I spoke to Gayle Kirschenbaum, who fascinated me with her ability to simply ignore all the ways her mother hurt her in favor of having a relationship. I wish it was possible for all of us to do this, but sadly I don’t think it works in every case. Still, Gayle is a shining example of extreme persistence, and after decades, she managed to achieve some agreed understanding with her mother. Finally, I had to feed my interest in — forgive me for using the term — dog moms. I don’t refer to myself as a dog mom, mainly because I wouldn’t want anyone to think that I believe caring for a dog is like being a mother. But I have learned through my own experience this year with a puppy, and interviews with other women, that it can be similarly trying in particular ways. And for me, it’s a way to achieve some level of ‘maternal’ love and affection without taking on what I consider to be the overwhelming burden and responsibility of motherhood. I talked to Keltie Maguire, the Kids or Childfree coach, about what dogs might teach us about how much autonomy we are willing to sacrifice. I was also so happy to talk to Katie Dunn, who writes about her decision to walk away from IVF and find joy in other ways of living, including with her dog. Well, I can’t think of a better way to wrap up this season than with that sentiment: dogs are awesome. Who can argue with that, really? I hope you enjoyed this season and I’d love your feedback. Please share in the comments or email me at monicacardenas@substack.com. The podcast will be back in the spring. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit monicacardenas.substack.com
