Lack of Safety "Anxiety in another’s arms" It begins with the rhythmic heartbeat, though sometimes it feels hurried or erratic. Deep breaths rise and fall, but they are often overshadowed by sudden jarring noises — sharp voices, unfamiliar sounds, and moments of disconnection. The surround is warm but has a sense of tension that gives way to an awareness of need — a need that lingers unmet. Time passes with an awareness that space is constricting, and becomes unsettling. The first breath brings coldness, loudness, and hardness, and though arms eventually hold the infant, at times they lack the surety to calm or soothe. Moments of distress often stretch longer, leaving behind a faint residue of unease. Sounds have changed — the once steady heartbeat now distant and irregular. The familiar voice comes and goes unpredictably, sometimes absent when needed most. Hunger builds to an uncomfortable crescendo, and cries grow louder, but the relief is inconsistent, arriving late or in an agitated manner. When the soft skin and nourishing nectar arrive, they sometimes soothe, but other times are accompanied by hurried movements or distracted hands. Sleep comes fitfully, punctuated by moments of discomfort that are slow to be attended to. The bright lights and shapes overwhelm more than fascinate. Faces approach but feel unfamiliar, with smiles that flicker and fade. The touch is sometimes soft but often abrupt or absent, leaving sensations of fear and confusion. Breath is shallow, punctuated by moments of unease. The arms that should bring safety feel uncertain, and the once-comforting voice lacks the warmth of connection. The favorite moments are fleeting, interrupted by longer periods of discomfort, tension, or loneliness. When the world gets scary or overwhelming, safety is not always there. The haven of safety feels elusive, fragmented, or unreliable. What this story illustrates Uncertainty and Inconsistency: The story captures the lack of predictable caregiving, leaving the infant in a state of heightened stress and uncertainty. Unmet Needs: Delays or failures in addressing the infant’s physical and emotional needs highlight the absence of consistent soothing. Loss of Trust in Caregivers: The unpredictable presence of warmth and comfort erodes the infant’s ability to rely on their caregiver, creating an early sense of instability. Note how this story contrasts vividly with the secure version and helps show what is missing in a world where safety is not consistent or common. The effect on the nervous system is that increased stresses modify into two main survival modes: Stress Avoidance - a coping mechanism to suppress the nervous system by withdrawing, shutting down, dismissing the reality being faced. Stress Anxiety - a coping mechanism to heighten the sympathetic response, make needs more vocal, more frequent, increase dependance and increase demands. Disorganized - A combination of the two survival modes can also develop. These adaptations form the behavior patterns of the Insecure Attachment styles - Anxious-Avoidant, Anxious-Resistant, and Disorganized/Disoriented. Below are stories illustrating each insecure attachment style in the context of a toddler exploring a new space, similar to the Strange Situation Procedure. These stories reflect how deficiencies in safety influence nervous system coping, attachment behaviors, and emotional regulation. The Quiet Observer : (Anxious-Avoidant Style) Two-year-old Max stood near the entrance to the playroom, his arms crossed over his chest. His caregiver, Sarah, sat on a bench nearby, scrolling through her phone. “Go play, Max,” she said without looking up. Max glanced at the toys scattered across the room and the other children playing, but he didn’t move. Instead, he leaned against the wall, his expression neutral. A teacher walked over and knelt beside him. “Hi, Max! Do you want to try building with the blocks?” she asked, holding out a red cube. Max hesitated, then took the block and set it down on the floor without engaging further. He stayed close to the wall, watching the other children but making no effort to join in. When Sarah stood to leave for a moment, Max’s eyes briefly followed her, but he made no noise or movement to stop her. When Sarah returned, Max didn’t look up. He sat on the floor, pushing a toy car back and forth without much interest. “Having fun?” Sarah asked with a quick glance, but Max didn’t respond. To an observer, Max seemed indifferent, but his tense shoulders and tight grip on the toy car hinted at the effort it took to suppress his distress. Analysis: Nervous System Response: Max’s lack of visible emotion is a coping mechanism for underlying distress, consistent with the “masking” behavior noted in avoidant attachment. His nervous system is likely in a low-level fight-or-flight state, as evidenced by his withdrawal and guarded demeanor. Caregiver Influence: Sarah’s disengaged responses teach Max that his emotional needs won’t necessarily be met, leading him to suppress them to avoid further rejection. Behavioral Impact: Max avoids seeking comfort and doesn’t explore the environment confidently, reflecting a lack of trust in his caregiver’s availability. Here’s a second story that illustrates Insecure-Avoidant Attachment as an individual approaches adulthood: The College Drop-Off : (Anxious-Avoidant Style) Jake, an 18-year-old, was packing for college in a rush. His father, Mark, sat nearby scrolling through his phone, occasionally glancing up. “You got everything you need?” Mark asked without much interest. Jake nodded, avoiding eye contact. They didn’t talk much as they loaded the car, and Mark didn’t ask how Jake was feeling. When they arrived at the dorm, Mark helped unload the car silently. Jake hesitated as they stood by the door. He wanted to say something about being nervous, but he stopped himself. Growing up, Jake had learned that his feelings were often dismissed. Mark would say things like, “Don’t make a big deal out of it,” or, “You’re fine, stop overthinking.” “Alright, you’re all set,” Mark said abruptly, giving Jake a pat on the back. “Call if you need anything.” Jake mumbled, “Yeah, sure,” but didn’t plan to call. As Mark walked away, Jake felt a wave of discomfort but quickly suppressed it. Over the next few weeks, Jake avoided thinking about home. When he struggled with homesickness, he distracted himself with video games or hung out with his new roommates. He rarely reached out to his father, thinking, He wouldn’t care, anyway. When he faced challenges, like failing his first quiz, he told himself, I don’t need anyone. I’ll figure it out. Analysis: Emotional Distance: Mark’s dismissive attitude made Jake feel that expressing emotions wasn’t safe or productive. Independence as a Defense: Jake learned to rely only on himself, avoiding emotional vulnerability or seeking support. Avoidance of Close Relationships: Jake’s avoidance of calling home or opening up to his father shows how he downplayed the importance of emotional connection, even though deep down, he felt its absence. This story highlights how an Insecure-Avoidant attachment style can lead to emotional suppression, a reluctance to seek help, and a focus on self-reliance, often at the cost of deeper connections and emotional well-being. Lets now examine the next form of Insecure Attachment, starting with the toddler story: The Clinging Tornado : (Anxious-Ambivalent Style) Two-year-old Sophie clung tightly to her father, James, as they entered the playroom. Her small hands gripped his shirt, and she buried her face in his shoulder. “Come on, Sophie, let’s look at the toys,” James said gently, trying to coax her into the room. Sophie whimpered, refusing to let go. When James sat her down near a table of blocks, she immediately climbed back into his lap, crying loudly. “I’m not going anywhere, Sophie. Look, I’m right here,” James said, patting her back. After a few minutes, she hesitantly reached for a block, keeping one hand on his leg. When James stood to leave briefly, Sophie’s cries escalated into screams. She ran toward him, pulling at his pant leg, her face red and tear-streaked. “I’ll be back in just a second,” James reassured her, but she shook her head violently, refusing to let go. When James returned, Sophie clung to him, her cries softening but her body still tense. She didn’t let go for the rest of their visit, refusing to engage with the toys or other children. Even in her father’s arms, she seemed upset, occasionally hitting his chest or pulling at his shirt in frustration. Analysis: Nervous System Response: Sophie’s intense clinging and difficulty calming herself indicate a hyperactivated sympathetic response. Her distress persists even when comforted, as her nervous system remains on high alert. Caregiver Influence: Inconsistent caregiving has made Sophie unsure whether her needs will be met, leading to excessive dependency and difficulty trusting her environment. Behavioral Impact: Sophie’s anxiety prevents her from exploring, and her mixed behaviors (clinging yet frustrated) reflect her struggle to reconcile her need for comfort with her mistrust. Here’s a story of a teenager that demonstrates Anxious-Ambivalent/Resistant Attachment, showing how it contrasts with secure and avoidant styles: The College Drop-Off : (Anxious-Ambivalent Style) Mia, an 18-year-old, was preparing for her first year at college. Her mother, Rachel, hovered over her as she packed. “Are you sure you’re ready for this? I don’t know if I can handle you being so far away,” Rachel said, her voice trembling. Mia felt a knot in her stomach. She was excited about starting this new chapter, but her mother’s anxiety made her feel guilty. On the drive to campus, Rachel kept asking, “Are you sure this is the right decision? What if somet
