I’m elaborating on a Substack Note I wrote this week in response to Carol Buckfire Benson’s recent post. I’ve noticed, both in other women and in myself, the common discomfort of taking up too much time or space to share thoughts, feelings, or insights. Even when invited, I notice how many women pivot too quickly back to the person they’re speaking with. In so many words, spoken or not, we’re saying: Enough about me. What about you? As if one’s acceptably allotted time has already been used up. It’s particularly noticeable when a woman pulls back abruptly in the midst of a deeper sharing, giving little time for her words to land or be received before redirecting attention elsewhere. The shift can be so quick it almost erases what was just shared. This part of us is often labeled as politeness, attunement, or emotional intelligence. And sometimes it is, but if we’re honest, it’s often laced with something heavier such as fear of taking up space, followed closely by shame at the idea of being seen as someone who wants, or needs, to be heard. What looks like social grace is often a learned reflex. From a young age, many women are socialized not only to listen well, but to manage the comfort of others. We learn to appear friendly, amenable and low risk. We learn that adult enthusiasm can be seen as social overreach, and confidence can read as arrogance. So, we learn to apologize preemptively with the words like “sorry”, with subtle gestures of retreat, we downplay, we qualify, we in essence one‑down ourselves before anyone else can. Preemptive apology shows up everywhere as adding disclaimers before speaking (“This might be silly, but…”), minimizing achievements (“It was nothing, really”), rushing through stories, laughing to signal we don’t take ourselves, or our thoughts too seriously, or cutting ourselves off mid‑sentence when we sense we’ve crossed some invisible threshold of attention. Even vulnerability becomes something we ration carefully, offering just enough to seem open, but not enough to appear indulgent or needy. What’s striking when this happens in spaces that are explicitly safe among friends, among other women. Even when invited to share more, the conditioning runs deeper than any content. Self-editing and preempted apology lives in the body as a tightening in the chest and throat, or a sudden thought, I’ve said too much. Being seen as agreeable, holding a small social footprint is often unconsciously dictated by the deep biological fear of being cast out, banished from the tribe that sustains you. The apology reflex seen so often in women is modeled and taught, and I would say, inherited from eons of generational strategies to fit in, conform and on a deeper level, survive. Social cues are learned and reinforced subtly through praise for being “easy,” “a good listener,” or “so understanding.” Over time, many women internalize the idea that connection is maintained by self‑reduction. That to be likable is to be small enough not to inconvenience anyone. When we consistently pull back before our words have time to land, we deny others the chance to truly meet us. We also reinforce the belief, internally and externally, that our experiences are secondary, optional, or excessive. The habit of one‑downing ourselves may keep the peace, but it erodes self‑trust. Noticing this pattern is the first act of resistance. Catching the moment when you’re about to apologize for speaking. Instead practice: * Expressing yourself completely and clearly without qualifying. * Allowing a pause after you share, even if it feels uncomfortable. * Resisting the urge to immediately ask a question or redirect attention. These are small, almost imperceptible shifts, but they interrupt a deeply ingrained script. This isn’t an argument for dominating conversations or abandoning reciprocity. Mutuality matters. Listening matters. But there is a difference between generosity and reflexive self‑erasure. The work is learning to tell them apart and differentiate between non-gendered social attunement and gender-dictated behavior. What would change if women trusted that their voices could take up space without justification? If being heard didn’t require a preemptive apology? If we let ourselves be witnessed fully, without rushing to smooth over the moment? In professional spaces, we often see women enter conversations already trimmed, speaking faster, hedging more, offering ideas as suggestions rather than claims. An opinion turns into a question. An insight is delivered with a disclaimer. Sorry, just one more thing. This might be off, but… I don’t want to take up too much time. These are less markers of humility so much as signals of self-apology. These patterns of communication may be justified as graciousness, when in fact they often come from anticipating disapproval before it’s been given. In contrast, arrogance and bravado are loud. They suck the air out of a room. They take without listening. But there’s a middle ground that has nothing to prove and nothing to hide, a grounded way of speaking that allows for confidence, conviction as well as correction. Over time, this way of speaking makes women’s thinking harder to track, not because it lacks clarity, but because it’s been shaped to avoid friction. Authority is expressed indirectly, if at all. And those in the room consciously or unconsciously are lowering their expectations of a speaker who lacks confidence in what they’re saying. Women have long been shaped into the role of conciliators, peace makers, bridge builders, carriers of the relational thread. Not by accident, but because cohesion has historically mattered for survival. There is something deeply tribal in this orientation of attuning to environment, to who is included or excluded, to when a rupture is forming before it becomes apparent to others. This difference has often been dismissed as softness or sidelined as secondary to “real” leadership, when in fact it reflects a sophisticated social intelligence. Bringing this wisdom into our personal lives asks for the same courage. In friendships and intimate partnerships, it means staying present with our own experience without smoothing it over, without rushing to accommodate or repair before we’re fully expressed. It means trusting that connection can withstand honesty, pauses, even mild discomfort, and that closeness doesn’t depend on constant self-adjustment and self-editing. When women stop preemptively apologizing or editing their truth in the name of harmony, relationships don’t become harsher; they become more real. The relational field grows sturdier because it’s no longer built on someone shrinking to keep the peace, but on the shared understanding that belonging doesn’t require preemptive apology or one-downing ourselves to be accepted and included. Many people feel great relief in therapy or coaching spaces where the explicit agreement is that they get to speak, uninterrupted, without apology. There is a strange disorientation that can arise at first. The beauty of those containers is not just that they allow speaking, but that they expose how rare full permission and attention actually is. They highlight the learned reflex that says our inner life must be edited for acceptability and belonging. If you long for the full attention and deep listening that comes from coaching, reach out and learn more. The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe
