In this deeply meaningful episode, I sit down with my dear friend Sarah Hamlin to explore the profound terrain of losing a parent. Sarah shares the intimate story of her mother’s decision to pursue medical aid in dying- and what it asked of her to remain present through a consciously chosen ending, as both a daughter and a mother to her own children. Together, we reflect on twhat it means to become an “orphan,” and to live alongside grief that refuses to be rushed, that doesn’t resolve but evolves, reshaping us over time. We explore the ways connection continues- through meaning, memory, and especially through signs and sychronicities- revealing the enduring bond between those here and those we’ve lost, and the quiet comfort of sensing our loved ones still reaching toward us with love. Transcript below: Hi Everybody! Welcomeot the Wisdom of Grief Podcast. I’m your host, Leslie Hunt Palumbo, and today you get the privilege of meeting one of my nearest and dearest friends for many, many years, Sarah Hamlin. Sarah is a lawyer, social worker, and advocate for children and families as a program director for the state of Connecticut. But she is here today in a different capacity, and that is in the capacity of grieving daughter. So, welcome, Sarah! * Sarah Hamlin Thank you, Leslie. It’s exciting to be here and have this conversation with you today. Leslie H Palumbo, LCSW It so is, and I know that you and I have talked about grief, life, death, so many times over the years, and we have walked each other through our hardest losses in this life. But in particular, I feel like you have something so valuable to say that comes from your own experience of loss, and in particular, the loss of your mother. and also the loss of both of your parents, so, being an adult orphan, which I think many people are, and that’s a particular kind of loss that I would love to touch on, and also to talk about, medical aid in dying, which is, the way that your mother’s life ended. So, I would love to start with your mom, and just talk about that, and what happened in 2022 for you. Sarah Hamlin Okay, yeah, I think, you know, it’s been really an interesting experience, partly becaus… you have this concept, right, of, like, medical aid and dying, and then to step into it as something that you’re going through with a loved one, we had a lot to learn. Leslie Hunt Palumbo, LCSW Wisdom of Grief And let me just stop for one second just to say, for people who don’t know what medical aid in dying is, it is actually when a medical professional subscribes the medication to end a terminally ill patient’s life, and then the patient takes it. So it requires terminal illness, a sound mind. It’s voluntary, and it’s taken by a person’s own hand. And it’s becoming a much more common part of our lexicon and discussion now, because even in the United States, it’s legal in 14 states. I think it’s on the legislative agenda for, like, 14 more states. So, there are a lot of people who are sort of talking about it, but fewer people who have actually lived through it. So, yeah. Sarah Hamlin Right, yeah, and so I think you’re right, I think the first law was passed, you know, in, 1994, but it’s taken a long time for other states to come on board. And my mother, actually, she was living up in Maine as a legal resident of Maine, where, the medical aid in dying law had gone into effect…I can’t remember the exact year, maybe 2019, or… but regardless, it was sufficient for her to be able to access it. And my mother had, congestive heart failure and her health had been declining for a number of years, but she made an announcement, early on in 2022 that she wanted to take advantage of the law. And she said, you know, I’m ready to, be done. I mean, you know, it was very shocking, I think, for all of us. Our family had had some significant exposure to the concept through an uncle who was a real advocate, a national advocate for medical aid in dying, and had been connected to a national organization called Compassion and Choices. And so we had some exposure and comfort with it, so it wasn’t something we weren’t familiar with, but then to know that my mother wanted to do this meant that we had to really educate ourselves about how it worked in Maine, and what we needed to do. It’s hard to… I think, convey adequately what it feels like to be planning something like that. I mean, my mother actually, looked at a calendar and said, oh, September 22nd is the autumnal equinox. That sounds like a good day. And so we knew for many months that that was the day that my mother was going to die. Leslie Hunt Palumbo, LCSW Wisdom of Grief How old was she? Sarah Hamlin She was 85. And she had actually already been approved for hospice. So she was… On hospice care and had been for many months, even at the time that we started this process. And so that piece that you mentioned before, having been declared a… having a terminal illness is essential to the process. And in Maine, you actually have to have two different physicians Confirm that, based on their medical experience, that that it’s likely that the person will, die from that terminal illness within about 6 months. But we still had many steps we had to take. She had to declare verbally, multiple times and put in writing that this was her choice, that she was voluntarily, entering into this process. And, I think, you know, just to take a step back and say what it felt like to walk with her through this part is that you’re trying to sort of separate from the emotions almost a little bit, right? Because you have steps and tasks that you have to do, and…I was really intentional about wanting to support her. But in some ways, that means you’re putting aside your own emotions and feelings, right? Like, how do you process something like that? I think it was really… it’s sort of shocking, because…you know, you have this exposure, and then all of a sudden, it’s like, wow, I’m in it, this is happening to me, and I want to honor, my mother’s wishes around it, and I need to be strong for her. Leslie Hunt Palumbo, LCSW Wisdom of Grief And it’s so interesting, because I remember going through this with you, and I remember also that your mother… she was dying, and I think at the time I remember you saying, you can correct me if I’m wrong, but at the time that she chose to end her suffering, she was in great suffering, and she probably would have only had maybe 2 more weeks. Somewhere in the next 2 weeks, she would have gone. So her life was ending anyway. But I feel like I remember it was about the suffering. You know, I think the whole idea of medical aid in dying is just really choosing death over suffering. You know, extensive, long suffering, I believe. Sarah Hamlin I think you’re absolutely right, and I think that, you know, even though… because you never know, like, she could have had two weeks, she could have had, you know, it could continue to prolong. I think part of it For those who choose it. It’s absolutely about ending the suffering, but I think it’s about taking back some control, some decision-making about how do I want the moment, the end of my life moment, to look like and be like. And I think for my mother, it brought her a lot of peace to know that she was actively, engaged in the process and had some control over it. She was able to have the people she loved most surround her. She was able to say her goodbyes, and she knew that she, because she was in a great deal of pain, and during the last few weeks of her life, had been taking a lot more pain medication, and was…almost not even able to communicate on the same level, because she needed to be, medicated so much. So, I think… I think, yeah, for her perspective, it felt very comforting and,Yeah, she just knew that she was gonna have the exact death that she envisioned for herself. Leslie Hunt Palumbo, LCSW Wisdom of Grief Yeah, and what was that like, going through that? A planned death. It’s like a planned… Birth, you know?It’ll happen anyway, but you’re just choosing when it’s gonna happen. Sarah Hamlin: I know. And she was very matter-of-fact about it, to be honest, which I think, in some ways, made it better. In some ways, you know, maybe we struggled with it, too, because, what I remember very vividly is she chose a time, too. She said, we’re gonna do it at 10 AM, On September 22nd, 2022. So, we were all with her. It was my two siblings, my older brother’s wife, and then my two children. We were all there, and my mother had some phone calls, and we had two hospice Staff who were present at the beginning, but then as soon as she was ready to take the medication, they actually had to leave, so they were not a part of any of that. But you know, we were just… we were talking, we were visiting, you know, had music on. My mother had selected music that she wanted to play, and we were reading poems, and just really, Interacting and connecting. And then my mother, you know, we were aware of the time going by, right? Like, I saw it was 10 o’clock, then it’s after 10, and then my mother sort of said, oh, well, don’t I need to take a second dose? And we were like, Mom, you haven’t even taken the first dose yet, and it’s after 10, and she was like, you know, we’re off the timeline. I think she really…It helped her I think mentally and emotionally, to have this…timeline that she was adhering to. And, that part, that moment, when, you know, because we had to get medication prescribed and, had to go… not all pharmacies can prescribe it, so I had to drive…about an hour from her home to a pharmacy to get it, and even the pharmacist had been, unsure of what to do, because it was new to them. It was the first time they were prescribed… like, they were filling the prescription.But so, for my mother, once, once we got to that moment when she said, she was
