This episode sponsored by BlyssTech Solutions Welcome back to the Self-Care Oasis podcast. I’m your host, Samantha Gregory, the self-care alchemist and tech wellness consultant. My mission is to help women transform burnout into better boundaries, more balanced lives, and shameless bliss through radical self-devotion. Today, I am diving into a conversation that is incredibly close to my heart, featuring a very special guest, Nicole Jones. Nicole is the founder of Noteworthy with Nicole, a mindset coaching program designed for high-achieving women. We sat down to talk about something many of us struggle with but rarely name: losing your identity. Whether it’s through the roles we play as mothers and executives, or the lingering effects of trauma and toxic relationships, reclaiming who you are is the first step toward true healing. The Early Theft of Identity One of the most profound things Nicole shared was how her identity was stripped away long before she reached adulthood. At just eight years old, she experienced the trauma of being molested. This is a reality for so many, and it creates a ripple effect that lasts for decades. When your autonomy is violated at such a young age, the concept of “self” becomes fractured. Nicole explained that because her identity was taken so early, she grew up without boundaries. She didn’t have a sense of being an autonomous person who had the right to say “no.” This lack of a foundation led her straight into a cycle of abusive and toxic relationships. When you haven’t been taught that you belong to yourself, you tend to accept “crummy behavior” because, frankly, it’s all you’ve ever known. I see this all the time in my work as the Self-Care Alchemist. People often ask, “Why don’t they just leave?” But it isn’t that simple. It’s psychological. When you are in survival mode, your brain convinces you that the “unsafe” situation you know is somehow safer than the “unknown” of being on your own. Reclaiming your identity requires moving out of survival mode and into a space of self-worth. Breaking the Cycle of Toxic Relationships Nicole’s turning point came when she had her first son. She realized that for his sake, and her own, things had to change. She began to invest in herself. This is a crucial step that many women skip because we are taught to put everyone else first. Nicole went back to school, sought therapy, and even took a “sabbatical” from dating. She stopped giving her attention to everyone else and started pouring it back into herself. During our conversation, we discussed how childhood labels shape our adult lives. Even if you didn’t experience physical abuse, the labels adults projected onto you as a child can become your identity. “You’re the smart one,” “You’re the difficult one,” “You’re the helper.” You start to believe these things are who you are, rather than just roles you were forced to play. The Subconscious Power of Other People’s Opinions Nicole shared a story that I think we can all relate to. Years ago, she was dating someone who casually mentioned they didn’t like the jeans she was wearing. Subconsciously, she stopped wearing those jeans, and that entire brand, for years. It wasn’t until much later, while shopping with her sister, that she realized she had let a passing comment from a toxic partner dictate her choices for a decade. That is how identity is lost. It’s not always one big event; sometimes it’s a thousand tiny concessions to someone else’s preferences until you don’t even recognize the woman in the mirror. Cultural Barriers to Autonomy and Boundaries We also touched on a heavy topic: how boundaries are viewed in the Black community. Often, a child trying to assert autonomy or say “no” is viewed as “talking back” or being disrespectful. We are taught to respect our elders above our own comfort, like being forced to hug or kiss relatives when we don’t want to. Nicole and I both agree: we have to give our children the autonomy to say no. When we force children to ignore their instincts for the sake of “politeness,” we are teaching them that their boundaries don’t matter. We are teaching them that they must abide by what others want for their bodies. Breaking this cycle is essential if we want the next generation to grow up with a strong sense of self. Actionable Insights: How to Reclaim Your Identity Reclaiming your identity after trauma or burnout isn’t an overnight process, but it is possible. Based on our conversation, here are some actionable steps you can take today: * Identify the Labels: Make a list of the things people called you or expected of you as a child. Ask yourself: “Is this actually me, or is this a role I was assigned?” * Take a “Dating Sabbatical”: If you find yourself in a cycle of toxic relationships, stop dating. Use that time and energy to get to know yourself again without the influence of a partner. Also download my book, No More Crumbs: How to Stop Dating and Mating for Crumbs and Get the Cake You Deserve in 10 Crucial Steps * Audit Your Subconscious: Think about the clothes you wear, the food you eat, and the hobbies you have. Are you doing these things because you like them, or because someone else once told you that you should? * Break Up with Burnout: Sometimes, you have to break up with people in your life to break up with burnout. If certain relationships are draining your peace, they are the cause of your exhaustion. * Seek Professional Support: Therapy is a non-negotiable for healing trauma. Nicole and I both utilized therapy to untangle the mess of our pasts. The Connection Between Boundaries and Bliss Nicole’s work now focuses on helping high-achieving women identify themselves outside of their roles as C-suite executives, moms, or sisters. When we tie our identity solely to our “output” or our service to others, we set ourselves up for a crash. Burnout is often just the soul’s way of saying, “I don’t know who I am anymore.” By putting yourself first as a priority, you aren’t being selfish. You are being radically devoted to your own well-being. As Nicole mentioned, she lost her “whimsy” and her “joy” because life felt too hard. Reclaiming your identity is about finding that kid-at-the-playground joy again. Conclusion: You Are Worth the Investment Whether you are recovering from a toxic relationship or simply feeling lost in the demands of your daily life, remember that your identity is yours to reclaim. You do not have to accept crummy behavior, and you do not have to live a life that feels like a constant weight. You have the right to say no, the right to set boundaries, and the right to be shamelessly blissful. I want to thank Nicole Jones for her transparency and for the incredible work she’s doing to help women find themselves again. If you’re feeling burnt out, take a moment today to check in with yourself. Who are you when no one is watching? Who are you when you aren’t “doing” for others? That woman is still in there, and she’s waiting for you to come find her. Connect with Nicole: * Website: NoteworthyWithNicole.com * Social Media: Instagram | Facebook | YouTube | TikTok Stay tuned for more episodes of the Self-Care Oasis podcast, where we continue to transform burnout into bliss. Until next time, be kind to yourself. Get full access to Self Care Oasis at blyss.substack.com/subscribe
