The Big Muddler

Matthew Crampton

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COMEDY

Stand by your beds! The Big Muddler is here, delivering a delicious dose of old-style radio comedy. Sketches ... silly songs ... improbable stories, corralled by the unusual mind of Matthew Crampton. It's a variety of nonsense - and we all need variety.

12/20/2025

2.4 In the Grotto - with Special Spooky Festive Story

This extra-length episode features a spooky winter story - fab! - which starts at 18.35 (if you want to dodge the nonsense beforehand). Why not gather the family for its 17 minutes of chilling delight... Meanwhile, my goddaughter Jasmine wants to visit Father Christmas, but this ambition is proving trickier than expected. As we tour one dodgy grotto after another, I worry for the state of the nation. Fortunately, the day is saved by some neighbourly delight ... only to be unsettled again by the unexpected intrusion of The Big Muddler. Talking of unwelcome arrivals, today's Listed Jokes plumb the depths of festive frivolity (email me via thebigmuddler(at)matthewcrampton.com for the gag that's too dark for broadcast). Matters get worse with two over-lubricated presenters on The Rest is Jollity. And worse still with Denzel Rumpo's Christmas Carol (of sorts). But today's main feature is the spooky old story New Boots for Willy McPhee, produced in full radio soundscape gory/glory. The earliest versions of this tale, called The Cow That Ate the Piper, appeared in 18th century Ireland. I first heard it from Hugh Lupton thirty years ago, and I also draw here on a fine telling by Bill Harley. Enjoy! It's a treat. Matthew Crampton put this show together. More about him at https://matthewcrampton.com/ 12-1_christmas_street_market.wav by 16gpizap -- https://freesound.org/s/499418/ -- License: Attribution 4.0 20061222.christmas.ambiance.03.flac by dobroide -- https://freesound.org/s/27689/ -- License: Attribution 4.0 221214_2265_FR_BrassBandIndoor.wav by kevp888 -- https://freesound.org/s/666731/ -- License: Attribution 4.0 Creepy Ambient Music by Audio_Dread -- https://freesound.org/s/528320/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0 Z Finland birdsong.wav by juskiddink -- https://freesound.org/s/56165/ -- License: Attribution 4.0 Wind medium to strong gusts in remote countryside (France) by michaelperfect -- https://freesound.org/s/578630/ -- License: Attribution 4.0 Wooden door opening and closing by copyc4t -- https://freesound.org/s/799458/ -- License: Attribution 4.0 Support the show

37 min
12/13/2025

2.3 What's Loose in the Lighthouse?

We're with some armed marines, crossing wild seas off Scotland to check on an isolated lighthouse. Gosh, what's driven those keepers crazy? Could it be? No! Well, maybe. Yes. It is! It's another edition of The Big Muddler. And on this bird-strewn rock, we all need to dodge the guano. Ah, too late... Well, perhaps best to move along, and soon we'll reach that antique podcast The Rest is Jollity where this week the duo are busy promoting Kreml Hair Tonic. Sad. But not so sad as our trip to Suffolk for FolkEast festival. This bout of Muddler Live brings more desperate animal-related puns, and 'comic songs' and, yes, those are gags about beavers. Thank goodness for show sponsor Ruislip Robots and their GASP (Generational Adjustment Special Programming), especially Last GASP for seniors. Adieu, old timers! And what exactly is happening on the beach? Have the band of Great Crustaceans really split? Find out this and more, much more, more than you'll ever need - or want - in this amazing episode of premier sketch comedy podcast The Big Muddler. Once again, Matthew Crampton is the baron of this banality. He's not learnt and, seemingly, neither have you. Mussel Point, near Zennor — boats, seals, seagulls and curlews by Philip_Goddard -- https://freesound.org/s/689034/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0 Engine from ferry #2 by arnaud coutancier -- https://freesound.org/s/435870/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 3.0 20220725T003000-0230_LESP-NIGHT-2023 by AlderInstitute -- https://freesound.org/s/710611/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0 20080810.gannet.00.wav by dobroide -- https://freesound.org/s/59291/ -- License: Attribution 4.0 Muzak 1 by TeffyD1 -- https://freesound.org/s/752529/ -- License: Attribution 4.0 Support the show

26 min
12/06/2025

2.2 High Jinks in Jakarta

It's not every day you get to experience The Big Ride within Jakarta's Jade Megaphallus Tower. But something's loose in the lift. The muzak's turned rogue. And, oh my goodness, there's an outbreak of variety in this Southeast Asian skyscraper. Better head to the Sapparo McNulty Whisky Bar for a snifter, or the Jasmine Pamper Club for something relaxing but, whatever you do, avoid evacuation in the Precipice swimming pool. That's better. Now, on with the show. Let's start at Jarndyce Booksellers with a spooky trip to the cemetery. And is that music hall star Billy Blinders making an appearance on The Rest is Jollity? It is! And is he singing that classic vegetable-based music hall ditty The Marrow Song? He is! Now we're jumping into the future as show sponsor Ruislip Robots unveil their new Robobuddy for office recruitment. Today's classic Listed Joke comes courtesy of Hollywood carpenter Harrison Ford, while a dubious rock legend has been recruited into the ranks of The Great Crustaceans. And that's it. That's all. Episode Two of Season Two of The Big Muddler bows out with a burp. Once again, the agent of this asininity is Matthew Crampton, who wrote the scripts and songs, and performed them too. More about him at matthewcrampton.com. city traffic noise main traffic intersection by Garuda1982 -- https://freesound.org/s/635155/ -- License: Attribution 4.0 lift / elevator by salvatoresena -- https://freesound.org/s/381646/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0 Muzak 3 by TeffyD1 -- https://freesound.org/s/752531/ -- License: Attribution 4.0 Muzak 1 by TeffyD1 -- https://freesound.org/s/752529/ -- License: Attribution 4.0 Support the show

26 min
11/29/2025

2.1 Playing Dead in Pennsylvania

We're back, despite popular demand. The Big Muddler mounts another aural assault on your eardrums, unleashing SeasonTwo of a podcast that no-one has described as 'the greatest variety-based radio entertainment of all time.' Once again we start somewhere unlikely. This time it's a field in Pennsylvania, where hardcore battlefield re-enactors turn violent when their activities are polluted by dodgy light entertainment. Then we head to the radio vaults for some olde-tyme podcast banter courtesy of The Rest is Jollity. Next stop is a barn, in a field, in Suffolk, where Muddler Live is being inflicted upon a hapless audience at the FolkEast festival. Yes, the Listed Jokes are back. So, too, the Great Crustaceans, where our lovable mollusc-ish soapstars face the band's biggest crisis. It's only a wedding gig, but that's too much selling out for lead guitarist Razors. Will they split? (It doesn't look good.) Today's sponsor is Ruislip Robots - offering a special deal on pre-loved domestic droids. And this is just Episode One. Who knows where The Big Muddler will head next. The sheriff of these shenanigans is Matthew Crampton, who wrote and performed the scripts and songs. More about him at matthewcrampton.com. Rifles and Cannons, Farther Off by richardemoore -- https://freesound.org/s/162625/ -- License: Attribution 4.0 AMBPark_Campfire In The Park_KVV AUDIO_FREE by KVV_Audio -- https://freesound.org/s/762276/ -- License: Attribution 4.0 Campfire song.mp3 by kentdavies959 -- https://freesound.org/s/466659/ -- License: Attribution 4.0 Muzak 1 by TeffyD1 -- https://freesound.org/s/752529/ -- License: Attribution 4.0 Suspense Intro by SergeQuadrado -- https://freesound.org/s/545911/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 3.0 Support the show

25 min
07/19/2025

1.6 Let's Enter the Infinite Typing Pool

It's time to get feckless in Texas, at a strange simian start-up built by the muskrat himself. Why are those apes serving beverages to their human guests? And how will they serenade the tea party? All gets revealed in another awful edition of this sketch comedy podcast. But it's no ordinary episode. This is the Season Finale of Series One and, boy, do they milk that one. From the American Southwest we head to the great Jarndyce Booksellers, opposite the British Museum, for a slice of music hall nonsense. Susie in the Shoeshine Shop, no less. But there's no time to shudder. We're back on the beach for those barnacled boulevardiers - the Great Crustaceans - who are airing some musical differences. Will Squid Vicious get his free jazz masterpiece onto the new band release? Dream on, Squid. It only remains for West Country windbag Denzel Rumpo to try appeasing his errant spouse with some John Prine lyrics. Dream on, Denzel. Today's sponsor is Twinkle, a memory-aide which harnesses the power of ancient Peruvian tree bark, 'stripped by actual shamans'. And our previous sponsor was a catheter corporation. Makes you wonder what demographic the show's advertisers are targeting... With thanks to Mike Hebbert on concertina, Dorian Ford on piano, and the great Irish storyteller Jack Lynch for his inspiration. We should also thank the assembler of this absurdity, Mr Matthew Crampton, but he's already off scouting nonsense for Series Two. Don't forget to send in your suggestions for the letter W. Oh and if you like the show, do get in touch. Podcastville can be a quiet place. More about Mr Crampton at matthewcrampton.com. Mad Chimpanzees.mp3 by allornothing21 -- https://freesound.org/s/235234/ -- License: Attribution 4.0 manual typewriter by theshaggyfreak -- https://freesound.org/s/118591/ -- License: Attribution 4.0 Pouring tea by MrAuralization -- https://freesound.org/s/324937/ -- License: Attribution 4.0 Support the show

25 min
06/22/2025

1.5 The Mystery of the Frozen Foot

Blimey, this new episode is all over the place. It starts at Everest base camp, but soon goes downhill. There are trips to South America, back to Tibet, and good 'ol London Town. The band on the beach, Great Crustaceans, ponder the possibility of a festival called Crustonberry, but it's a 'curated lifestyle festival' - with foraging! - so guitarist Razors hates the idea. Denzel Rumpo spills the beans on how his famous Uncle 'Rambling Syd Rumpo' got to be called 'Rambling'. (Clue. It's also about spilling beans, so to speak.) And, shock news, there's no advertiser this week, following last episode's scandal, when catheter product Sureconto Speediflow was not happy with presenter Matthew Crampton's delivery of their script. Ah well, it's not the first time Mr Crampton has messed up the messaging. So let's forgo the thanks for him this week, even though he's the brains behind this baloney. But we will as ever thank pianist Dorian Ford (you really should check him out). And a special mention to the show's North Wales angling adviser, Geraint Roberts. VOC_230610-2267_FR_MarchingBand.wav by kevp888 -- https://freesound.org/s/690695/ -- License: Attribution 4.0 Tibetan Chant high pass.wav by Razzvio -- https://freesound.org/s/79647/ -- License: Attribution 3.0 Support the show

28 min
06/14/2025

1.4 Mayhem in the Brain Clinic

The neurosurgeons can’t believe what they’ve found lurking in their patient’s cerebellum. And once again The Big Muddler makes its presence known. In another, ridiculous episode of this ‘comedy’ podcast, we venture from central London to somewhere tropical for a client meeting that turns chilly. Back on the beach, the Great Crustaceans open their own nightclub, but soon attract unwelcome visitors. Denzel Rumpo halts his cockling to take us down to Lamorna. Meanwhile in the land of Muddler Live, there’s a music hall classic plus some dire Listed Jokes. Today’s advertiser is rather unpleasant and graphic. And wait, are those real announcements from Radio Four? All this in barely half an hour of strange intrusion for your mind. Thanks as ever to pianist Dorian Ford. And do make sure you follow the show. How else can you prepare for the devilment awaiting you in the final two episodes of Series One? More about the show's high priest at https://matthewcrampton.com/ city traffic noise main traffic intersection by Garuda1982 -- https://freesound.org/s/635155/ -- License: Attribution 4.0 LAX Airport Landing Sound Two by FreeToUseSounds -- https://freesound.org/s/402957/ -- License: Attribution 3.0 jalan_cikini_edit.WAV by maarten_wez -- https://freesound.org/s/185988/ -- License: Attribution 3.0 call_to_prayer.aif by ariat -- https://freesound.org/s/91360/ -- License: Attribution 4.0 Antique Clock Ticking then Strikes Once by iainmccurdy -- https://freesound.org/s/646411/ -- License: Attribution 4.0 nixeno - hospital room ambience with clock, heart beeb and paging.mp3 by nixeno -- https://freesound.org/s/427092/ -- License: Attribution 4.0 Club Bathroom Ambience.wav by bennathanras -- https://freesound.org/s/607421/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0 Support the show

28 min
06/07/2025

1.3 The Truth about Stonehenge!

What a revelation! Learn exactly why Stonehenge was built. Such truth has long eluded experts but now slips out during a dodgy variety show. But that's not all you get from this 26 minutes of mirth and mayhem. We start in West London, where a sensitive unearthing is soon derailed by mysterious sounds. Thence to America's deep south, where a revival meeting welcomes an oddly low-key foreigner. Meanwhile those lovable seaside entertainers - the Great Crustaceans - are bemused by a suggestion from Spider, their drummer. And there's more! Particularly more music, from Muddler Live - the land where the people love to laugh and sing. Mr Crampton crucifies an old punk classic, while Jan North warns us about Makin' Whoopee. This week's advertiser is Perky, 'one small pill and you're up and away'. Thanks to pianist Dorian Ford and the much loved, and much missed, Jan North. This is the third of six episodes of the mighty Series One. Make sure you follow The Big Muddler, so you can guarantee your supply of crucial claptrap. More at https://matthewcrampton.com/ Minimal Tech Background Music - MTBM02 by gis_sweden -- https://freesound.org/s/696485/ -- License: Attribution 4.0 Relaxing Jazz Music (loop) by Migfus20 -- https://freesound.org/s/723287/ -- License: Attribution 4.0 Support the show

27 min
05/29/2025

1.2 Unexpected Outcome at The Shag Lab

Well, it should have been a routine coupling at London Zoo's mating laboratory (aka The Shag Lab) but something unusual happened. And once again, The Big Muddler has muscled into town with its dubious blend of 'variety entertainment'. This time we meet Cornish correspondent - and phantom flautist - Denzel Rumpo, witness the stars of soap opera Great Crustaceans winding each other up, hear about a talking dog, and listen while Matthew Crampton insists on singing music hall classic If You Were the Only Girl in the World and sharing the testimony of All the Good Times are Past and Gone. Today's advertiser is Shakespearean Endings, which helps the terminally ill to shovel off their mortal coil. Thanks to guests pianist Dorian Ford and singer Jan North (who accompanies the testimony). There'll be four more episodes in Series One. Want to catch this High Grade Nonsense as soon as it arrives? Then follow The Big Muddler on the service of your choice (Apple, Spotify, Youtube etc). With thanks to Dorian Ford and Todd Landor, and in memory of the much missed Jan North. More about Mr Crampton at https://matthewcrampton.com/ Anon: Angelus ad Virginem (from the album I Fagiolini Tudor Music from Hampton Court Palace) The Forbury Consort Catalogue no: GCCD4087 Label: Griffin. With permission of Musical Concepts Busnois: Fortuna Desperate (from the album I Fagiolini Tudor Music from Hampton Court Palace) The Forbury Consort Catalogue no: GCCD4087 Label: Griffin. With permission of Musical Concepts Support the show

27 min
05/20/2025

1.1 Trouble at the Tomb

It starts in Egypt, but how does it end? With The Big Muddler, you can never be sure where you’re going. This edition – THE FIRST EVER EPISODE – heads down the beach with resident soap opera Great Crustaceans. Twice we cross to America to catch up with some entitled Brits. There’s a spooky story from Kathmandu, and several visits to Muddler Live – a land whose people love to laugh and sing. Your tour guide is Matthew Crampton, with guests poet Elvis McGonagall and pianist Dorian Ford. Enjoy the Variety! There'll be five more episodes in Series One. Want to catch this High Grade Nonsense as soon as it arrives? Then follow The Big Muddler on the service of your choice (Apple, Spotify, Youtube etc). With thanks to Dorian Ford, Elvis McGonagall and Todd Landor. More at https://matthewcrampton.com/ Alford: On the Quarter Deck (from the album Favourite Military Bands) Band of the Grenadier Guards, Catalogue no: ALN1986 Label: Alto. With permission from Alto Distribution "Diabolic Waltz Piano Arrangement" Sample by SilverIllusionist -- https://freesound.org/s/658625/ -- License: Attribution 4.0 Antique Clock Ticking then Strikes Once- Antique Clock Ticking then Strikes Once by iainmccurdy -- https://freesound.org/s/646411/ -- License: Attribution 4.0 Bar_Crowd_-_Feb_2006.wav by lonemonk -- https://freesound.org/s/30414/ -- License: Attribution 3.0 Support the show

26 min

10 Episodes

Stand by your beds! The Big Muddler is here, delivering a delicious dose of old-style radio comedy. Sketches ... silly songs ... improbable stories, corralled by the unusual mind of Matthew Crampton. It's a variety of nonsense - and we all need variety.

Creator

Matthew Crampton
Years Active

2K
Episodes

10
Rating

Clean
Copyright

© 2025 Matthew Crampton
Show Website

The Big Muddler