Dating on High Alert

Ilja Abbattista
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Dating on High Alert dives into the messy reality of dating with ADHD and trauma - because when your heart's in survival mode, love gets complicated. What could possibly go wrong?

  1. MAR 29

    The Engine Behind the Mask: Hyper-vigilance, AuDHD & cPTSD | Masking Part 2

    Send us Fan Mail If you’ve ever been told you’re too sensitive, too alert, or overreacting… this episode is going to land. In Part Two of the masking series, Ilja Abbattista goes deeper into what’s actually powering the mask, hyper-vigilance. Not the clinical definition.  Not the pathologised version.  But what it really feels like inside a body that has lived through trauma, while also navigating ADHD and autism. This episode explores:  What hypervigilance actually feels like in real time (physically, emotionally, neurologically)  The difference between paranoia vs pattern recognition, and why that distinction matters  How AuDHD and complex trauma overlap, creating a nervous system that never fully switches off  Why hypervigilance is not just a symptom, but a trained survival intelligence The hidden connection between masking and hypervigilance (and why you can’t separate them)  The real cost of living in constant alert, exhaustion, shutdown, and mistrust of safety  Why “just unmask” advice can feel impossible, and what actually helps instead Ilja also shares a powerful real-life moment where hypervigilance became a life-saving skill, and challenges the idea that healing means becoming less aware. This is not about removing the mask.  It’s about understanding the system behind it, and learning how to live with it differently. If you’re AuDHD, living with trauma, or constantly scanning your environment without knowing why… this episode will give you language for what your body has been doing all along. ⚠️ Content note: This episode references childhood trauma, sexual abuse, and trafficking. Please listen with care. If this episode hit something deeper, not just intellectually, but in your body, you don’t have to sit with that alone. I offer real, trauma-informed support for women navigating ADHD, autism, trauma, and the complexity of all three combined.  Here are a few ways we can work together: 💬 Dear Ilja (Voice Note Support) For when you're spiralling, overthinking, or need grounded support in the moment, not next week. You message me. I respond with calm, honest voice notes that meet you where you are. 🌿 1:1 Coaching & Mentoring Deeper, consistent support to help you understand your patterns, regulate your nervous system, and rebuild your identity, without shame or performance. ✨ Keep an eye out for the next FREE download: “The 5 Hidden Masks You Wear Without Realising”, a gentle guide to help you understand your masking as protection, not failure.  👉 Explore everything here:  www.iljaabbattista.co.uk If you’re not ready for support yet, that’s okay.  You can also follow the podcast, share this episode with someone who needs it, or just sit with what came up. You’re not broken.  You were trained. 🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me. For more raw, honest takes on dating, ADHD, trauma, and being a woman on high alert — head to iljaabbattista.co.uk Let’s keep this messy, magical conversation going:  📩 Get updates: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/  🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or topic: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/%f0%9f%8e%99%ef%b8%8f-submit-a-guest-pitch-or-podcast-topic/  📬 Contact me: empowerher@ilja-abbattista.com  📱 Follow along on Instagram: @ilja.abbattista Unmask. Rebuild. Thrive.

    32 min

  2. MAR 23

    Masking, ADHD & Autism: Why Unmasking Isn’t Always the Answer

    Send us Fan Mail 💬 Need support with this right now? If this episode brought something up for you, you don’t have to sit with it alone. Dear Ilja is real-time voice note support, for when you’re spiralling, overthinking, or just need someone who actually gets it. No pressure. No long-term commitment. Just grounded, honest support, when you need it most. 👉 Start here: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/work-with-me/#voicenote We’ve been told that masking is the problem. That it’s exhausting, inauthentic, and something we need to unlearn. But what if that’s not the full story? In this episode of Dating on High Alert, we explore a different perspective, one that honours masking as a survival strategy, especially for those navigating ADHD, autism, and trauma. This is a deeper, more honest conversation about:  What masking actually is (beyond the internet narrative)  Why it may not be the thing exhausting you  The role of shame, trauma, and survival  Why “just unmask” can feel unsafe  And what healing actually looks like instead Your mask is not your enemy.  It might be one of the most sophisticated things about you. 🧠 This episode hit something deeper? That’s exactly the kind of moment Dear Ilja is for. You don’t have to figure it out alone.  You don’t have to wait until things get worse. 👉 Get support here: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/work-with-me/#voicenote 🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me. For more raw, honest takes on dating, ADHD, trauma, and being a woman on high alert — head to iljaabbattista.co.uk Let’s keep this messy, magical conversation going:  📩 Get updates: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/  🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or topic: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/%f0%9f%8e%99%ef%b8%8f-submit-a-guest-pitch-or-podcast-topic/  📬 Contact me: empowerher@ilja-abbattista.com  📱 Follow along on Instagram: @ilja.abbattista Unmask. Rebuild. Thrive.

    38 min

  3. MAR 8

    “You’re Too Sensitive": When Feeling Everything Isn’t Weakness

    Send us Fan Mail What if being “too sensitive” isn’t a flaw… but a nervous system that learned to pay attention? In this episode, Ilja explores what it means to feel everything deeply, the overwhelm, the misunderstanding, and the strength that can come from emotional depth. For many neurodivergent and trauma-experienced people, empathy isn’t just understanding someone’s pain. It’s feeling it in your body. That intensity can be exhausting.  It can make others uncomfortable.  And it can leave you questioning whether something is wrong with you. But what if the opposite is true? In this conversation, Ilja reflects on: • why some people absorb emotional environments so strongly  • the difference between emotional intensity and instability • why releasing emotion can actually be a form of regulation • how sensitivity can become a powerful form of leadership and advocacy • the importance of boundaries when holding other people’s pain Through personal reflection and lived experience, this episode challenges the idea that strength means emotional detachment. Sometimes the people who feel the most… are the ones capable of holding the most. If you’ve ever been told you’re “too sensitive,” this episode may help you understand your depth in a different way. Listen if you’re navigating: Late diagnosis (ADHD, autism, trauma)Emotional intensity and empathyNervous system sensitivityShame around being “too much”If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who has been told they’re too sensitive. They might just be deeply wired. And as usual… Until next spiral. Free Guide You’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully. A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships. Download it here:  https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/ 🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me. For more raw, honest takes on dating, ADHD, trauma, and being a woman on high alert — head to iljaabbattista.co.uk Let’s keep this messy, magical conversation going:  📩 Get updates: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/  🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or topic: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/%f0%9f%8e%99%ef%b8%8f-submit-a-guest-pitch-or-podcast-topic/  📬 Contact me: empowerher@ilja-abbattista.com  📱 Follow along on Instagram: @ilja.abbattista Unmask. Rebuild. Thrive.

    27 min

  4. MAR 3

    Why Rejection Hits So Hard

    Send us Fan Mail Why does something small feel so devastating? A delayed reply.  That shift in tone.   A cancelled plan. And suddenly your whole body reacts. In this episode of Dating on High Alert, I’m talking about rejection sensitivity, not as a buzzword, but as a lived nervous system experience. Because for many AuDHD women, especially those with trauma histories, rejection doesn’t land lightly. It can feel: • Crippling  • Physical  • Disproportionate (even when you know it “shouldn’t” be)  • Deeply shame-inducing  • Incredibly lonely We explore: - What rejection sensitivity actually feels like in the body - Why ADHD intensity makes emotional shifts hit fast - How autistic pattern recognition amplifies subtle changes - Why trauma layers abandonment fear onto small moments - The shame of being labelled “too sensitive” - The loneliness of feeling more than others - The double standard of waiting for replies while sometimes not replying yourself - Why 1am spirals feel so convincing - How to survive the spike without acting from it This isn’t about becoming less sensitive. It’s about understanding your wiring so you stop attacking yourself for it. You may not be able to change how deeply you feel. But you can change how you respond when the wave hits. If you’ve ever lain awake replaying a message… If you’ve ever felt flattened by something that looked small… If you’ve ever wondered why rejection feels existential… You are not the only one. And you are not broken. And as always until next spiral. Free Guide You’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully. A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships. Download it here:  https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/ 🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me. For more raw, honest takes on dating, ADHD, trauma, and being a woman on high alert — head to iljaabbattista.co.uk Let’s keep this messy, magical conversation going:  📩 Get updates: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/  🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or topic: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/%f0%9f%8e%99%ef%b8%8f-submit-a-guest-pitch-or-podcast-topic/  📬 Contact me: empowerher@ilja-abbattista.com  📱 Follow along on Instagram: @ilja.abbattista Unmask. Rebuild. Thrive.

    29 min

  5. FEB 27

    Dating on High Alert: When Ambiguity Feels Like Chemistry

    Send us Fan Mail There was a relationship in my life that felt electric. Not chaotic.  Not obviously toxic.  But ambiguous. And that ambiguity felt like chemistry. In this episode of Dating on High Alert, I’m unpacking something we don’t talk about enough: How uncertainty creates dopamine.  How dopamine intensifies attachment.   And why trauma-shaped nervous systems can mistake activation for connection. If you’ve ever: * Felt hooked by mixed signals * Over-analysed texts * Confused anxiety with attraction * Thought you just “had bad taste” This episode will land. We explore: - Why ambiguity is not neutral - How hyper-vigilance shows up in dating - The dopamine loop in inconsistent dynamics - Why steady relationships can feel underwhelming at first - The withdrawal that happens when ambiguity ends - How to begin separating activation from compatibility This isn’t about blaming partners. It’s about understanding your nervous system. Because when you understand the pattern, you regain choice. You’re not drawn to chaos, but you’re drawn to familiarity. And familiarity can feel magnetic - even when it’s destabilising. If you’re an AuDHD woman, living with cPTSD, or rebuilding your relationship patterns after trauma, this conversation is especially for you. You don’t have to keep dating on high alert. You’re allowed to learn a new rhythm. Until next spiral. Free Guide You’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully. A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships. Download it here:  https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/ 🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me. For more raw, honest takes on dating, ADHD, trauma, and being a woman on high alert — head to iljaabbattista.co.uk Let’s keep this messy, magical conversation going:  📩 Get updates: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/  🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or topic: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/%f0%9f%8e%99%ef%b8%8f-submit-a-guest-pitch-or-podcast-topic/  📬 Contact me: empowerher@ilja-abbattista.com  📱 Follow along on Instagram: @ilja.abbattista Unmask. Rebuild. Thrive.

    29 min

  6. FEB 16

    Impulsive Spending Isn’t About Discipline

    Send us Fan Mail In this episode, I’m talking about impulsive spending, but not in the way it’s usually framed. This isn’t about budgeting tips or learning to “just say no.” It’s about the nervous system. The hyper-focus.  The urgency.   The moment your brain becomes completely convinced that something is necessary, not optional. And what happens afterwards. The shame.  The self-talk.   The internal punishment that often hurts more than the purchase itself. If you’ve ever felt like: You know what’s happening but can’t stop yourselfThe urge feels bigger than logicThe aftermath is harsher than the actionThis episode is for you. No fixing.  No discipline plans.   Just naming what many people experience quietly. If this conversation brings up questions for you, you’re welcome to write to Dear Ilja, anonymously if you prefer. I read every message and respond on the podcast. Take care of yourself after listening. And as always - until next spiral. Free Guide You’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully. A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships. Download it here:  https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/ 🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me. For more raw, honest takes on dating, ADHD, trauma, and being a woman on high alert — head to iljaabbattista.co.uk Let’s keep this messy, magical conversation going:  📩 Get updates: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/  🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or topic: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/%f0%9f%8e%99%ef%b8%8f-submit-a-guest-pitch-or-podcast-topic/  📬 Contact me: empowerher@ilja-abbattista.com  📱 Follow along on Instagram: @ilja.abbattista Unmask. Rebuild. Thrive.

    43 min

  7. FEB 9

    I Only Do Things at the Last Minute (and I Hate That About Me)

    Send us Fan Mail Why do some of us only seem able to start when the pressure is unbearable? In this episode, I’m talking honestly about last-minute living, not as a productivity problem, but as a nervous system response. If you’re ADHD, autistic, AuDHD, or living with trauma, deadlines don’t always motivate you. They can trigger freeze, avoidance, shutdown… followed by a last-minute surge of adrenaline that somehow gets the job done, at a cost. This isn’t laziness.  It’s adaptation. In this episode, I explore: Why deadlines often trigger freeze for trauma-wired brainsHow ADHD, autism, and CPTSD interact with time and pressureWhy “just start earlier” is unhelpful (and often harmful) adviceThe shame cycle around last-minute action, and how to soften itHow urgency becomes a survival strategy, not a choiceThis is not an episode about fixing yourself, optimising your time, or becoming more disciplined. It’s about understanding why your brain works the way it does, and building compassion, and choice, where there used to be self-attack. If you’ve ever thought, “Why am I like this?” You’re not alone. 💬 Join the conversation If this episode resonated, liking or commenting really helps, not for vanity, but because it tells the algorithm this conversation matters. And if there’s something you’re quietly struggling with, or a topic you wish someone would talk about, tell me in the comments.  A lot of this podcast exists because someone once asked, “Is it just me?” Thank you for listening.  Thank you for being here.   And for staying curious instead of cruel with yourself. Until next spiral. Free Guide You’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully. A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships. Download it here:  https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/ 🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me. For more raw, honest takes on dating, ADHD, trauma, and being a woman on high alert — head to iljaabbattista.co.uk Let’s keep this messy, magical conversation going:  📩 Get updates: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/  🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or topic: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/%f0%9f%8e%99%ef%b8%8f-submit-a-guest-pitch-or-podcast-topic/  📬 Contact me: empowerher@ilja-abbattista.com  📱 Follow along on Instagram: @ilja.abbattista Unmask. Rebuild. Thrive.

    38 min

  8. JAN 21

    Masking didn't break you - it helped you to survive!

    Send us Fan Mail In this episode of Dating on High Alert, Ilja explores masking through a trauma-informed lens, especially for people with ADHD, autism, and complex trauma. Rather than treating masking as something to “fix” or remove, this conversation reframes it as an intelligent survival response, often learned very early in life, before choice or language existed. Ilja speaks to why advice like “just unmask” can feel unsafe in the body, and why unmasking without safety, consent, and capacity can be destabilising rather than healing. This episode also explores a deeper question:  What if it’s not masking that exhausts us, but the shame, self-criticism, and constant self-monitoring layered on top of it? You’ll hear about: Why masking develops in early, unsafe, or demanding environmentsHow trauma changes the conversation around unmaskingThe difference between automatic masking and choiceWhy self-criticism is often learned through being analysed by others firstHow healing can mean expanding options, not removing protectionThis is not an episode about performing authenticity.  It’s about safety, nervous systems, and learning to choose with care. If this conversation brings up questions you’d like to explore more gently, you’re welcome to write to Dear Ilja - anonymously, always.  https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/work-with-me/#voicenote Unmasking isn’t a rule.  It’s an option. Free Guide You’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully. A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships. Download it here:  https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/ 🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me. For more raw, honest takes on dating, ADHD, trauma, and being a woman on high alert — head to iljaabbattista.co.uk Let’s keep this messy, magical conversation going:  📩 Get updates: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/  🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or topic: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/%f0%9f%8e%99%ef%b8%8f-submit-a-guest-pitch-or-podcast-topic/  📬 Contact me: empowerher@ilja-abbattista.com  📱 Follow along on Instagram: @ilja.abbattista Unmask. Rebuild. Thrive.

    17 min
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About

Dating on High Alert dives into the messy reality of dating with ADHD and trauma - because when your heart's in survival mode, love gets complicated. What could possibly go wrong?

Information

  • Creator
    Ilja Abbattista
  • Years Active
    2025 - 2026
  • Episodes
    29
  • Rating
    Explicit
  • Copyright
    © 2026 Dating on High Alert
  • Show Website
    Dating on High Alert