THE ANNALS OF HAROLD

HAROLD

AUDIO OF THE ANNALS OF HAROLD SUBSTACK haroldrogers.substack.com

  1. 3D AGO

    ALI, AS HUMPTY DUMPTY

    1. SAT ON A WALL. . . HUMPTY DUMPTY IS A MYTH IN THE GUISE OF A NURSERY RHYME. The humptian hero rises, — generationally, glittering, — from the mass of the masculine lodazal; takes his seat on the WALL; we kowtow in admiration, horror, envy as our dumptian king flits in swift abligurition upon the summit. . . The reason Humpty is Him : NOBODY else could get up on the damn WALL! LAST WEEK, I WALKED AROUND FRIGID NYC. Scarfed, hatted, but ungloved, — the wind scraping my face like razor wire, stomping thru completely begrimed gargantuan snow-mounds, walking 20k steps a day : — I couldn’t stop audiobooking Ali: A Life (2017) by Jonathan Eig. I jolted to attention when I heard, in the midst of Ali’s brutal, unnecessary fight with Larry Holmes : when he was brain-battered, defalcated, finished, — Howard Cosell said during the broadcast, “You can’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again.” I love Muhammad Ali; he was my first sports hero. In 2nd Grade, for Black History Month, everyone was assigned a historical figure to report on : I got “Cassius Clay”. (The coyness of my Catholic school, deadnaming one of the most famous people of all time to keep us from. . . getting infected by Islam?) I never felt admirative ardor for living people; — life : movement : fallibility. . . I need a hero fixed in frieze, faults & all, like Hercules. Ali was big, handsome, smiling, rebellious, and FAMOUS! I wanted to be all those things. He did it thru BOXING : suddenly, boxing had a fantastic allure. . . NOBODY TALKED LIKE ALI IN THE EARLY 60s. He said he was gonna be the Heavyweight Champion of the World since he was 13; used to go knocking door to door in Louisville evangelizing his amateur fights; talked his way to an Olympic gold medal in 1960; & eventually, a showdown with indomitable Sonny Liston. Liston’s jab was getting hit with a lead pipe; he used to leave bloodied opponents picking teeth out their mouth-guards; a cop pulled him over once in St. Louis, started using racial slurs, Sonny beat the s**t outta him and took his gun. He was the kind of Black Heavyweight Champ Whitey could understand in the 60s : a grizzly mean killing machine. Cassius Clay didn’t give a damn. There’s a great interview from before the fight, 1964 : Ali is rambling some long parable, — the act isn’t honed yet, — the reporter looks almost bored; then Ali starts saying if he sees Liston out on the street he’ll kick his ass before the fight! The reporter tries to warn him, “‘I saw Sonny Liston a few days ago, Cassius—’ ‘Ain’t he ugly!?’ ‘HA. . . he —’ ‘He’s too ugly to be the World’s Champ! The World’s Champ should be pretty like me!’” . . . Ali’s fangled jive rattled Sonny, — he’s ‘posed to be scared of me!, — Tune in to the fight : see the cocky youngster get his mouth shut. . . ; Sonny couldn’t touch him : Jab too quick! Feet too fast! Left fearsome Sonny Liston sitting on his ass! Ali made him quit ‘fore Round 6. In the rematch 3 months later in the most random venue in boxing history : Lewiston, ME, in Round 1, Ali pulled back, clipped Liston with a knockdown short right hand; he looked up at the ceiling, knew he didn’t have a shot, no más, he stayed down. . . Cassius Clay was the world’s champ : NOBODY could take it away from him. 2. HAD A GREAT FALL. . . THE WALL IS INHERENTLY UNSTABLE. The humptian King, — cambalhotic, stubborn, — gets carried away thinking his steps R sure 4ever ; the shouts of the jealous ferveling rabble grow louder, he leans his dumptian head over to hear ; a brick slips, he trips, — reign, rain : SPLAT. . . The reason Humpty is doomed : WE need him to FALL! ALI’S FIRST FALL WAS HEROIC. They stripped him of his championship. A first in the job-germane ruffianist tradition of the Heavyweight Title : murderers were OK, but a race-militant trash-talker with a Muslim name, calling Whitey devil, refusing to enlist in the United States Army was UNACCEPTABLE. It’s hard to imagine how unpalatable Ali was to mainstream America when he uttered his famous phrase : “I ain’t got no quarrel with the Vietcong.” Ali sacrificed 3 years & 218 days of his athletic peak for a moral stand! In our age of politicking athletes, NOBODY would trade bread for ethics; — especially not the #1 draw in the whole world. Boxing was his life ; now he was lost ; it’s easy, in hindsight, to discount contingency, but there’s a world where Ali could’ve been remembered as a pariah who beat Liston and then went to prison for hating America. . . But Ali was avant-garde in everything ; America reconfigured to his gravity ; in 1970, when he finally got back in the ring, the once-jeering crowds were chanting his name. WHAT DO WE WANT FROM A HERO? Not perfection : — transcendence. . . Ali’s life : anastomosis of GLORY & DOOM. Everything that made him GREAT flowed upstream fatally. In the ring, his two GOAT qualities (besides the hebetitious jab) : his irrepressible meteor of optimism, and the best chin in the history of boxing. His downfall was written in the book of those virtues. The hero : a public banquet of magnificence. There are limits to what WE can do. We need someone to exceed those limits and bring back a divine morsel; — allowing all of US to taste transcendence. . . Ali didn’t return from his moral hiatus unscathed : he didn’t dance like he used to, he looked older, slower ; he went 15 with Frazier at MSG but got dropped by a left hook : — the first time he ever fell, — and suffered his first defeat. . . . George Foreman was looming : he was the Nemean lion. He made Frazier look like a bum off the street; dropping him six times in as many minutes. Foreman & Ali were set to fight in Zaire : the RUMBLE IN THE JUNGLE. Nobody thought Ali stood a chance. . . Ali stepped off the plane, someone yelled “Ali, bomaye!” (“Ali, kill him!”); Ali picked up the phrase, started saying it everywhere. The taciturn Foreman refused to talk to the people. Hercules could never keep to himself. . . . . . Foreman didn’t stand a chance. Like Liston, he’d never fought anybody that wasn’t scared of him. And he never fought anybody who could take his punch. Ali didn’t stop talking the whole fight ; by the 8th round, George was spent, throwing pillowhand punches; Ali against the ropes; last 30 seconds, a burst, bing, bing, BOOM, a right hand sends the lion tumbling; the crowd : “ALI BOMAYE!” I get chills everytime. . . Ali’s greatest victory was the harbinger of his ultimate doom. 3. ALL THE KING’S HORSES, ALL THE KING’S MEN. . . AT SOME POINT DAMAGE BECOMES IRREPARABLE. The humptian wretch, — cracked, annihilated, — sees his giddybrained glaverers try to patch back together the shards of his life ; it is too late ; the dumptian yolk runs out, the last vestige of life-force : the people soak their bread and eat. . . The reason Humpty must be consumed : He is part of US. ALI TOOK MORE THAN 200,000 PUNCHES IN HIS CAREER. In fights against some of the hardest punchers of all time. . . ; in sparring, after his exile, he’d tell his partners to bash his head to toughen up his chin; Larry Holmes thought it was madness, “you can’t toughen up the chin! He was taking so much damage for no reason!” U act invincible b/c U feel INVINCIBLE. Ali could take a punch better than anyone in the history of boxing : a deleterious self-realization. . . Sometimes when I was teaching my group boxing classes, we’d do some body sparring ; I’d hop in, let the class-takers whale on my stomach & ribs : I’d put my hands behind my head, laughing scornfully at their best efforts; . . . The next day, after taking hundreds of unprotected body shots for no reason, my stomach would be hurting like HELL, my bowels would be in a tizzy : it took me much longer than it should’ve to realize the two events were correlated. . . I stopped. . . . brain damage is so frightening because it sneaks up on U : U sail out, suddenly plus ultra without even realizing ; Ali said he’d never be punch drunk like them old fighters, never! he was too pretty! he was too tough! he could dance too good! But each blow was carving tracks in his brain : by the time he realized something was wrong he was already ruined. . . ALI EXEMPLIFIES THE EXTREME AVANT-GARDE. At his peak, he was a coruscating PROBLEM, — an edge so sharp U couldn’t get near him without getting cut ; a planet, bending the gravity of American culture : The country changed to accommodate Ali’s vision. He was DANGEROUS. Eventually, always, danger sits down at the dentist’s chair to get its teeth extracted. . . The point of the vanguardist is to be mutilated. Ali is as American as the Flag : once the most revolutionary symbol on the block, representing a NEW way to be human; . . . now denuded, co-opted by commercial interests. He is a stylized poster on a coffee shop wall : an innocuous vibe. . . . he shouldn’t have fought Larry Holmes; he was 38, slow, slurring his words, hardly training, . . . after Holmes beat the s**t outta his former hero, he went over to Ali’s corner, said, “I love you. I really really admire you. I hope we’ll always be friends.” I was listening, walking up 3rd Avenue, headed to Gaby’s : I teared up. The tragedy of Humpty Dumpty : he warps the world in His image. . . at the cost of his LIFE. . . But Ali, never finished, had one more moment of public greatness : 1996, with terrible tremors, hardly able to speak, he was chosen to light the Olympic flame. . . the crowd chanting the once reviled name : “ALI!” as the ultimate symbol of the United States. . . I teared up again. . . I’m ambivalent about what happens to the avant-garde, — but truly, U don’t get a lifetime of extreme forward thinking ; . . . if his Greatness hadn’t been appropriated by the machine, he probably would’ve never been a hero to a white Latino kid i

    9 min
  2. FEB 9

    A POEM OF HEROISM & BRUTALITY. . .

    . . . — THE MAN — . . . “AN INTENSE DREAM, A VIVID RAY” I ON THE MORNING OF AUGUST 15, 1909, Euclides da Cunha, — the most famous writer in Brasil, — was murdered by his wife’s lover. The TOLD story : Euclides uncovered the betrayal; pulled up furious, strapped, — snapped; shot poor, young, apollonian Dilermando de Assis three times : wimpy Euclides, the intellectual with the soldierless jib-cut, missed : Dilermando, the wife-f****r with mean aim, shot back, — hit; Euclides dead : two bullets in the heart. Portentous apocrypha (!) : passersby ask, as he lays dying, “what insanity is this, Dr. Euclides?!” . . . His wife, Anna, married Dilermando, — who was 17 years younger than her. Five years later, Euclides Jr. tried to avenge his father, shot at his step-dad; Dilermando shot back and killed another Euclides. . . In 2014, Anna’s diary turned up, given to her grand-daughter by a descendent of the lawyer who represented Dilermando in court (where he was acquitted : self-defense); 45 pages, trying to justify the death of her husband and son; she opens, “I am here to accomplish a sacred task, unload my conscience and bring peace to my spirit, saying that out of the three of us, Euclides, Dilermando, and me, three criminals, the most responsible one is me.” . . . how much did Euclides know? When he came back from two years in the Amazon, his wife was pregnant; the baby didn’t survive, — soon she had another one, a little blonde kid Euclides raised as his own, he called him “the corn stalk in the middle of the coffee plantation” . . . Euclides : a rage-prone workaholic, — spent his wedding night screaming at Anna, —he’d had bouts of insanity before : when he was in military school, he got thrown out for throwing his sword on the ground in protest of the Empire. . . Dilermando : kind, studly, present, — Anna writes in her diary what attracted her most to Dilermando was his tenderness, — ; she wanted to divorce Euclides but he wouldn’t let her; — they lived in their messy mélange until what. . . ? Anna knew Euclides was in a deleterious tizzy his final morning : her son warned her the night before, dad is pissed. . . she stayed put, burrowed militantly with Dilermando, in ambush, awaiting Euclides’s onslaught. Why was the Brasilian public so ready to accept Euclides da Cunha was insane? II ON THE MORNING OF SEPTEMBER 22, 1897, Antonio Conselheiro was found dead, — emaciated in supine prayer, — in the New Church in the center of Canudos. He was the founder of Canudos ; a town of — not counting women & children, old & infirm, — ten thousand men, jagunços, armed to the teeth, living in clapboard stacked shacks in a religious community orbiting a heresiarchal sun : Antonio Conselheiro. The newfound Brasilian Republic exterminated the people of Canudos in a slapdash civil war, — NO : it’s not a war when the people don’t know there’s a political battle, they’re simply defending their home; it was an unholy internal wipe-out like the Albigensian Crusade, — in the name of the ORDER & PROGRESS newly emblazoned on the National Flag. . . In 1897, the city-boy Euclides da Cunha was sent out to rural Bahia to report on the end of the conflict; believing, like most Brasilian urbanites, “We had, suddenly, resurrected and in arms in front of us, an old society, a dead society, galvanized by a madman. We did not recognize it. We couldn’t recognize it. We rose, abruptly, tumultuated by the abundance of modern ideas, leaving behind in the secular penumbra in which they lie, in the heart of our country, one third of our people. . . we deepened, revolutionarily, fleeing the fleetest concessions with the exigencies of our own nationality, the contrast between our way of life and that of the rude native sons more alien in our land than the immigrants from Europe. Because an ocean didn’t separate them from us, but three centuries. . .” Euclides, coruscating with IDEAS : set out on his tortuous trek, expecting to find unconscionable barbarism, — unrecognizable aliens; — instead, he witnessed the bloody shadow left behind by Brasil’s new light; saw the dark version of himself : Antonio Conselheiro. . . Antonio was a sertanejo from the backlands of Brasil, — the region known as the SERTÃO. . . a sertanejo : the product of centuries of miscegenation between white settlers, indigenous peoples, and the descendants of African slaves; the most controversial aspect of Os Sertões is what Euclides writes about this mixing, “The mestizo is almost always an unbalanced type. . . fulgurant spirits, at times, but fragile, unquiet, inconstant, dazzling one moment and right-away extinguished, lacerated by the fatality of biological laws. . . every man is, above everything else, an integration of racial forces of which his brain is a heritage. . .” REMEMBER : the man who wrote this was a product of the same mixing, describing himself in a poem, “This caboclo, this tame jagunço, mixture of Celt, of Tapuia, and of Greek.” A friend of Euclides described, “his disdain for clothes, his face with its prominent cheekbones, his glance now keen and darting, now far away and absorbed, and his hair which fell down over his forehead, all of which made him look altogether like an aborigine, causing him to appear as a stranger in the city, as one who at each moment was conscious of the attraction of the forest.” What did Euclides feel when he wrote about the madness he believed inherent in his own blood? Did he feel inside himself an erumpent insanity he needed to corral thru the cold grip of science? . . . Antonio, before he was Conselheiro, — the Counselor, — lived in a hardscrabble little town; his prophetic journey began when his wife ran off with a police officer; from then on, he peregrinated the backlands incomparably for 22 years, wearing a belt-less blue smock, living on the slim pickings of John the Baptist, — locusts, wild honey, — his legend fecundly famigerating, till he’d entucked himself in a permanent citadel, surrounded by unconditionally faithful sectarians & shivering feary accomplices. . . Canudos : where Antonio Conselheiro and Euclides da Cunha would face off in the grand testament of both their lives. . . . — THE LAND — . . . “BEAUTIFUL & STRONG, IMPAVID COLOSSUS” III IT TOOK ME 40 DAYS TO READ OS SERTÕES. . . The language-terrain is as grand, forbidding, inhospitable as the sertão itself; — many readers end up like the poor deraisoned raisin’d warrior Euclides describes : “The setting sun casted, long, its shadows over the ground and protected by it — arms openly spread, face upturned to the heavens — a soldier rested. Rested. . . for the last three months. His body was intact. Pruned, is all. Mummified, conserving the physiognomic traces, in a way which induced the exact illusion of a tired fighter, revitalizing himself in tranquil sleep under the shadow of that beneficent tree. Not even a worm—most vulgar of the tragic analysts of matter—had maculated his tissue. He was returning to life’s whirlwind without repugnant decomposition, through an imperceptible draining-off process. Here was an apparatus that revealed absolutely, and in the most suggestive manner, the extreme aridity of the atmosphere.” STYLE sprouts from SUBJECT ; penetrable limpidity in the face of Euclides’s sombral leviathan would simply be a LIE. . . Euclides da Cunha is a geological thinker; look how he describes Antonio, as a rock aberration : “It is natural that these profound layers of our ethnic stratification should insurrect in an extraordinary anticlinal — Antonio Conselheiro.” He realizes what makes a collective WE begins in the soil; years pile sedimentarily: people become disparate, eroded, symbiotic with wind & river; — in perfect union with the threats to their survival ; and his STYLE formalizes this : “The struggle for existence which in forests translates to an irrepressible tendency toward light, unraveling bushes into woody vines, elastic, distended, fleeing the drowning shadows and heightening themselves clinging more to the sun’s rays than the trunks of the secular trees — here is the total opposite; it is more obscure, more original, and more moving. The sun is the enemy whom it is urgent to avoid, elude, or combat. . . . the most robust plants carry, in their extremely abnormal aspects, emblazoned, all the stigmas of the soundless battle.” The clarity-shunning language carries the scars of the claudicant, bloody creation of Brasilian identity : — which IS as much those exterminated in Canudos as the exterminators. . . The truth is buried deep in the sertão. IV THERE WAS NEVER A CONVERSATION. The great problem of Brasilian (any!) society : the lack of communication between the people and the elites. Euclides translates the jagunços’ protest; formalizes the communication struggle by writing ornate, arduous, otiose, — the style becomes EVERYTHING. . . The legend of Canudos proliferated cancerous & unruly ; there was no parley : elites heard-tell something unacceptable was happening, — here was a ferveling cauldron of miscegenation, living outside the purview of earthly institutions : eyes firmly fixed skyward, “Canudos was made up of the most disparate elements. . . an unconscious and brute mass, growing without evolving, through the mere mechanical juxtaposition of successive layers, in the manner of a human polyp. . . immersed completely in the religious dream; living beneath the sick preoccupation of the life to come, their world within that protecting girdle of mountains. With no thought of institutions to guarantee a destiny on earth. All else was meaningless. Canudos was their cosmos.” A tempestuous cult swirling around an ascetic king. . . here was a dream of Brasil : true racial harmony beneath the tropical sun; LOOK : the free women i

    16 min
  3. FEB 2

    BRUH, WHAT'S THE POINT ?

    (1) I’M NOBODY! — WHO ARE U ? MY FRIEND, SLIMY B, READ WUTHERING HEIGHTS (1847). Unimpressed, he told me : “she writes like a teenage girl with a thesaurus. . .” On a frigid, blistering walk, I tried to defend Emily’s honor : arguing lexically complex teenage ardors are rollicking delights, — but Slimy B put the final nail in the coffin of the Brontë Sister Industrial Complex : “MAN, THESE CLASSICS ARE F*****G ELITIST!” The “CANON” : a forbidding tower of smartypants smarminess, erected so a smug self-selected elect can turn their nose at hard-working regular folk, — the common readers with their bushy-tailed joys & dog-eared best-sellers. . . I rub elbows with some of NYC’s “elite” in my job as a boxing coach; — (I’m a punching bag for rich wimps), — and I can assure U : they ain’t cozy in their palatial apartments hooking the whole family up to brain-direct IV-drip James Joyce; in fact, they ain’t f*****g interested in literature AT ALL! Elitism is about ACCESS. If U are interested in what a neo-luddite might call : Great Literature, there’s almost NOTHING more accessible for U. . . All U need is a little f*****g GUSTO and the entertainment-value of these “elitist” works will bloom like roses thru a steaming pile of manure. . . But obviously, something, not so easily dismissible, rankled Slimy B : — what do we owe a reader? (2) ARE U NOBODY — TOO ? IS AMBITION THE PROBLEM? There are two types of literary ambition : EARTHLY & DIVINE. I suffer, sinfully, from great pangs of earthly ambition ; — when my first book got reviewed NOWHERE, I didn’t console myself : I am on a divine path, — I was PISSED. Gimme my f*****g remunerative KUDOS! I wanna walk into the literary reading and be the center of attention : — ME! I AM AMERICAN, MATERIALIST, SCUM. U convince Urself U are trying to talk to the PEOPLE : really, U are trying to talk to the MARKET. . . At some point the overwhelming concern becomes : — — HOW. CAN. I. SELL. MY. BOOK. — — If U R Lucky, U become a corporate saint like George Saunders : fingers weighed down on every keyboard-clack with financial interest ; knowing Ur next book will occupy its own table at Barnes & Noble with a golden plaque : “Reading George Saunders makes U a better person!” . . . but there is DIVINE AMBITION : “Delight, —top-gallant delight is to him, who acknowledges no law or lord, but the Lord his God, and is only a patriot to heaven.” . . . Milton sets out his intention at the very beginning of Paradise Lost, to pursue, “things unattempted yet in Prose or Rhyme. . . and to justify the ways of God to men.” . . . Giambattista Vico spent his whole life working on New Science (1725), published it himself, edition after edition, to NOTHING, sent it to all his heroes, — SILENCE ; — walked miserable thru the streets of Napoli while the people who he sent copies of his precious book ignored him; went home to his annoyed wife and 12 hungry children : a useless FAILURE ; wrote in a bitter letter at the end of his life, “I expect nothing from my native city, except the complete isolation that allows me to work so hard.” If there is something missing from the contemporary novel, maybe it’s a paucity of DIVINE AMBITION : but it has always been fewfar : — earthly rewards are sensuous & bright, eternity’s only reward is annihilation. . . Why wouldn’t U chase material success? (3) DON’T TELL! THEY’D ADVERTISE — U KNOW ! I DIDN’T GROW UP IN NO LITERARY HOUSEHOLD. My dad was a bookie; my mom was a myriad-hustler who ended up working with kids with disabilities. Neither went to college; both were common readers : — they read 1-10 books a year following their interests. My dad read books about gambling, the mafia, a few sports biographies; my mom’s taste was more eclectic, encompassed big-time bestsellers like Tuesdays with Morrie (1997) ; — which I keenly remember her reading aloud to me in Rio, movingly, when I was a kid. Between the two of them, I only know of one “literary novel” : my dad, inexplicably, read a hardcover copy of A Confederacy of Dunces (1980) : — he probably heard it was about a funny fat guy and was sold. . . Yet they always championed reading as something essential; — my dad would say, as I headed off to school, “there’s gold in them books!” ; the only thing they’d buy for me questionlessly was books, — so initially, a great part of the appeal was having new stuff. . . . until middle school, my mom would take me out of school for half the year, to go stay in Rio with her parents ; she would get all the work from the teachers in advance, and she would homeschool me ; this schooling became very self-directed : basically, do all the work fast as U can, and U can go play soccer with Ur friends for the rest of the day. . . Schoolwork & reading became very competitive : I wanted to get the s**t done FAST. . . resulting in my privately pugilistic attitude toward reading. . . . . . I ended up in the ninnyworld of the Columbia Fiction MFA : — thru EARTHLY AMBITION : I wanted to publish a novel, — . . . wading in such terrestrially boggy waters could prove a deleterious threat to DIVINE ASPIRATIONS. . . What a tremendously serious way to be talking, huh? Slimy B would think I’m bugging : probably thinks his point is proved. But what if I said I’m simply playing a frivolous game?; the truth is, reading & writing is POINTLESS. Why am I even wasting my breath? (4) HOW DREARY TO BE SOMEBODY ! IN COLLEGE I WAS AN AMATEUR BOXER. I fought 16 times, — mostly at light-heavyweight. My record was 12-4. Sometimes people ask me, “did U make any money?” The answer is obviously F**K NO! U do not make any money as an amateur fighter. All U do is sacrifice pleasant things. I would hear, from my apartment window at Miami University, droves of my fellow students going out to the bars to party, f**k hot babes, make those famous college memories. . . I’d be looking at the clock waiting to see when it was time to drink my last tiny ration of water for the evening, eat my lone almond for dinner, — cutting weight for a dawncrack van-ride to go fight some neanderthal in the Pennsylvania woods. Did I like fighting? Honestly, it scared the crap out of me. When I had a fight looming, I would have nightmares for weeks leading up to it. I would pray for something to happen to get the fight cancelled. I had two awfully pusillanimous incidents. My sophomore year : it was time for the regional tournament, I was way out of f*****g shape; there was a really tough guy in my bracket from Navy : when the brackets came out and I saw we were matched up in the first round, I emailed Coach, told him I had the flu; — my whole body still shudders from humiliated dread. . . I should’ve taken my ass-whooping like a man. The next year went way better for me. I was in the Semi-finals of the National Championship. I had to fight the 3x National Champion from Army, at West Point. The night before I’d watched him knock a guy out so badly he was unconscious in the ring for five minutes and they had to stretcher him off. . . I could’ve given the dude a good fight, but I spent the night before surrendering in my head; — I woke up and after weigh-ins, had chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast : waving my white-flag in self-destructive resignation. The first round he hit me, — not even close to clean, — I slipped. Fell to a knee. When I got up, the ref asked me if I wanted to continue; I didn’t say anything; he stopped the fight. I quit without taking any damage because of fear. It was my supreme low-point as a competitor. My mom was in the crowd yelling, “LET THEM FIGHT!” . . . I was like, “MOM, CHILL!” . . . I thought about it all summer. My senior year, I was possessed. I would run around town, not listening to anything, repeating my mantra, over and over “I AM THE CHAMPION!” The only thing I wanted in the whole world was to win Nationals. I went 6-0 and made it to the National Finals. I had to fight a dude from Navy who I’d beaten three weeks before : Biron McNeely. I did everything I could; I thought I won, but the judges gave him a split decision. I cried. My whole boxing career was literally POINTLESS. I didn’t earn any earthly delights. All I wanted was to win the National Championship, and I failed. Why would anyone ever do anything? (5) HOW PUBLIC — LIKE A FROG ! THE MOST EVER-DEVOTED SAINT OF POINTLESSNESS : JAMES JOYCE. Spent seven years scribbling his usylessly unreadable blue book of Eccles; . . . exiled, doubted, up to his neck in obnoxious penury, — nobody wanted to publish his damn books. . . ; without an eye toward GOD, he would’ve never endured. . . It paid off : Ulysses was a resounding earthly success; acclaimed in Joyce’s lifetime, now regularly touted as the greatest novel of all time; — its innovations seamlessly integrated into what everyone knows about literature. . . a writer couldn’t dream of so much success. . . Regular people, generation after generation, read Ulysses and LOVE it. Overlooked fact about the “CANON” : it is, to a certain extent, defined by the taste of common readers accrued over time; cultural heritage is a democracy, if the only people fostering an artwork are a Shrouded Coterie of Brainiacs, the work will die. My parents could read Ulysses; — it is readable & FUNNY. They’d f**k with it if they gave it the requisite attention. They don’t because they don’t want to and I don’t blame them. They’d rather crawl into the warm frictionless womb of Facebook reels. . . There’s a reason people open their gullets & submit to the firehose gush of CONTENT, — content is extremely explicable. U R there to flush Urself with dopamine; — it might be just as pointless as anything else, but at least there’s no ambiguity w/r/t the purpose. Life is an inaudible ribbet : — why waste o

    15 min
  4. JAN 26

    THE LEGEND OF SWITCHEROO CHRIST

    1: — THINGS NEVER ATTEMPTED . . . THE ONLY DECORATION in my room is a print of Pieter Brueghel’s Tower of Babel (1563) scotch-taped to the wall. Every morning, I stare at the melted collapsing decadent cake of Brueghel’s tower : worker-ants crawling over it in impeccable toil : — King Nimrod in the bottom left corner, cronies bowing down, imperially executing his goddefying VISION. . . The Babel myth : an almanac on which to base my own personal agriculture. . . Here’s Juan Benet’s description of Bruegel’s painting in The Construction of the Tower of Babel (1990) : “It is not the Tower of Babel that Brueghel painted, but rather the construction of the tower of Babel at a very late stage—quite close, clearly, to the abandonment of the enterprise—in order to realize his aim of transmitting, through the canvas, a vision of agony, of the final moment of a creature doomed to corporeal incompletion and which, prostrate, abandoned, and left a ruin with the passage of the years, will be drained of its double coloration to take on the ashen tone of archeological remains.” The Tower, — man’s first MONUMENT, — : abandoned Leviathan : — whose devastating wounds no amount of minute attention will suture. What is Brueghel trying to tell us about AMBITION? DO U KNOW the story of the Tower of Babel? It emerges, a sudden-weed in Genesis : a shout from an impossibly ancient culture ; here’s Robert Alter’s translation, “Now all the earth was of one language and one set-of-words. . . And they said, ‘Come-now! Let us build ourselves a city and a tower, its top in the heavens, and let us make ourselves a name, lest we be scattered over the face of all the earth!’ But YHWH came down to look over the city and the tower the humans were building. YHWH said, ‘Here (they are), one people with one language for them all, and this is merely the first of their doings— now there will be no barrier for them in all they scheme to do! Come-now! Let us go down and baffle their language, so no man will understand the language of his neighbor.’ Therefore its name was called Babble for there YHWH baffled the language of all the earth-folk, and from there, YHWH scattered them over the face of all the earth.” YHWH isn’t enraged because foolish humans think their Tower can reach heaven; but b/c if they figure out how to build the Tower, they won’t need YHWH to SAVE them : their civilization will be complete! They will have SAVED themselves! Instead : they are scattered : their Name annihilated ; their fretted Tower fixed in the annals of history as warning. A doomed civilization senselessly, assiduously laboring, “. . . to pass down to the generations a definitive testimony to failure, a consummate embodiment of disgraced will, indisposed to sell their dream short, to make peace with compromise, to reconcile the utopian tower to the diminished scale of a mundane building like so many scattered throughout societies’ histories.” If King Nimrod can’t have his perfectly envisioned Tower, he’ll create an inhospitable monument to FAILURE . . . 2: — BUT SOLEMN AND SUBLIME . . . THE FIRST PERSON to write a commentary on the Gospels : Basilides of Alexandria (117-161AD) : 24 volumes completely lost to time, (we have almost NOTHING left of all the Literature in history. . . ) : — his thinking was preserved in fragments & refutations; — his son Irenaeus wrote a book called Against Heresies : where we have Basilides’s flabbergasting conspiracy theory abt the crucifixion : “It wasn’t Jesus who was crucified, but Simon of Cyrene. The Roman soldiers forced Simon to carry Jesus’s cross. The next sentence in the Gospel of Mark says that they crucified him. But who is “him”? Simon or Jesus? The subject isn’t clear. Basilides says Jesus transformed his body to appear like Simon, and Simon’s body to appear like Jesus. As the soldiers crucified Simon, Jesus laughed at their foolishness.” JESUS SWAPPED HIMSELF OUT ON THE CROSS & LAUGHED ABT IT!? But, if U believe this : what’s the point? Why does Basilides invent the Switcheroo? . . . the turning point is the Agony in the Garden, the day before Jesus is gonna be arrested, endure the whole torturous drama, he can’t handle it, he begs God : please let this cup pass from me; His sweat became like drops of blood, falling upon the ground, — I know I couldn’t handle being crucified for the sake of humanity. . . what did Jesus realize about himself? He was a COG in a plan he wanted no part of : restoration of YHWH’s EMPIRE. But what can he do now? He plots his own version of a divine project; — sick of relegating his salvation to the whims of some VOICE : he concocts his own Babbelian plan : the Switcheroo. But what if there was only one person fooled by the Switcheroo : YHWH : ; what if the whole people came together, realized they wanted to kowtow NO LONGER in cosmic submission, decided to pull the wool over YHWH’s eyes! — The famous drama in Jerusalem was an act to FOOL the Almighty. . . Jesus laughs at his supreme prank, while Simon, dressed like him, dies on the cross; — his laughter is contagious; an illumination so ardent it spreads like fire, “They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them. All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled them.” Jesus’s laughter is the HOLY SPIRIT : the only truth of the Trinity. . . But what about the innocent man crucified in his place? 3: — BE LOWLY WISE . . . THE MOST ICONIC part of Church Street Boxing Gym is the WALL: a collaborative collage plastered floor-to-ceiling in our stinking cavernous basement: — fight posters, polaroids, hot babes in magazines woven in a tattered cacophony. There’s this one dude in all the old pictures with Church Street fighters, holding his fists up, — big smile on his face; I used to think it was the former owner who I heard was a scumbag, — but this dude didn’t look like a scumbag. Something caught my eye yesterday; written in black sharpie, — an arrow pointing to a picture of him: THIS WALL IS RAFFY CORREA’S MASTERPIECE Never once did it occur to me someone was responsible for the WALL. I looked him up : found his obituary; he died in Alabama in August 2025 : Correa, who boxed in the 1966 and 1967 New York Golden Gloves, accumulated a pro record of 15-11-3 (8 KOs) between 1967 and 1974. But it was what he did afterwards that had an even bigger impact: working as a trainer alongside his former coach Jimmy Glenn at the famed Times Square Gym from the late 1970s until the gym closed in the early ‘90s. Among the champions who prepared for fights there were Ray “Boom Boom” Mancini, Wilfredo Gomez and Emile Griffith. I asked Action Jackson, — our resident OG, — if he knew Raffy ; he said, “Raffy, course I knew him! I knew him 40 years! I met him at the Times Square Boxing Gym. He wasn’t a good fighter, he wasn’t a good trainer, BUT, he was a great Second! And he made this wall. This wall is his masterpiece!” Raffy was a great Second : U don’t hear that a lot; — a Second is the guy in the corner behind the trainer; tending to the fighters’ cuts, holding the spit bucket; — invaluable, invisible, bloody work. . . U scheme out these grand projects, foolhardy, harrassable by the passing of hours & days; — not chasing hearth-fire ambition but self-immolation; — at the end nothing is done, everything is in a state least impervious to the usury of time. . . In Brueghel’s painting, Babel’s original architect has been dead for generations, but the workers are still hammering away at the Tower’s facade, showing up every day : maybe the wisdom is in accepting the failure of the enterprise and working anyway. Raffy’s WALL is an intentionally incompletable project ; inherent in a project which will outlast U and keep accumulating is a renunciation of GLORY for something maybe more valuable : collaboration, continuance. . . Simon of Cyrene got the call one day to swap places with Jesus : — he knew he would never sit at the right hand of the Father; — the only thing promised him was a bloody ignominious death and a forgotten name. . . but he said YES. What if Simon was laughing, too? This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit haroldrogers.substack.com

    8 min
  5. JAN 19

    SO U WANNA WRITE A NOVEL ?

    A LINE WILL TAKE US HOURS MAYBE THE FIRST THING people wanna know about your novel : “How long did it take?” I always wonder : is this real curiosity, or is the person calculating the requisite time block on their mental calendar for the novel they’ve always wanted to write. . . The answer, — which I give to every budding novelist, — : takes longer than U think it will. Writing a novel is like bobbing for apples harriedly, desperately for four years; — just when U think U got a nice, juicy apple, U realize there’s worms in it; . . . by the end, U accept : every single apple gonna have worms; — finally, U must sell Ur wormy apple to a publishing house. I turned in the copyedited draft for my second novel HUMPTY DUMPTY on January 13, 2026, — an auspicious day : on which both my grandpa & James Joyce died . . . I eshbosed the first miserable rumblings of what was then called Steubenville in January 2022 while my agent was making notes on Tropicália; — originally, my second novel was gonna fill the Brasilian lacuna in the Latin American “Dictator Novel” via Dom Pedro II : — but I realized I didn’t know yet enough to pull it off. . . I knew I wanted to write a novel about the town I grew up: STEUBENVILLE, OHIO: which to some no-nothing outsiders seems like a rusty s******e, but to me is a mesmerizing myth-cauldron worthy of Faulkner. . . The horrific (ethically, aesthetically, bore-to-tears-ly) novel I wrote in college, — — Rain, Rain: an excerpt I turned in to the only creative writing workshop I took in undergrad, — my freshman year, — earned me this note from the teacher, “Very shocking in all the worst ways. . . truly, truly not good. . .” and a C- in a class absent football players were acing, — — — was set in a pseudo-Steubenville called “Harborville” for reasons I wouldn’t be able to extract from my 19 year old brain. I had only been writing seriously for one year, but I thought Rain, Rain was really f*****g good. I would send parts to the New Yorker just about every week, — with notes oleaginous with arrogance : I thought peacocking would be a sticky boon, not realizing : if they had a nickel for every unsolicited submission from a self-proclaimed future LEGEND, they’d be able to save print media. My goals were simple : I was gonna publish in the New Yorker, have two novels out by 21, be a Rhodes Scholar and eventually I’d be president. . . my GPA was 2.9. . . Anyway: — — — a big thing happened when I was a sophomore in High School : in 2012, two football players at Steubenville Big Red sexually assaulted a girl at a party and left quite an extensive internet paper-trail. People I knew were at the party, but I wasn’t invited because I was a loser. I went to the only other high school in town : Steubenville Catholic Central. The guys who did it were sophomores like me. Everyone knew something was happening because of Twitter. . . But legally, nothing came of it. Rumors & speculation abounded. . . I forget exactly when, maybe it was Christmas, — months & months later. . . A friend texted me to go on Big Red’s website : I was met with a video-thumbnail showing a Guy Fawkes mask. Anonymous had hacked the school’s website and was doxxing everybody they believed was involved with the case. . . everything snowballed into a national scandal. . . I’m not gonna talk more about the actual incident and what happened : — honestly, everything is mixed up with the book and I don’t know what’s real anymore; but : it was a formative emotional experience, — these were guys I knew but not well, but they were my age: I witnessed everything close enough to be a JUDGER. . . At the time, it felt normal; some people at my college had heard of the incident and said, “oh you’re from Steubenville, I know what goes on there. . .” I never considered writing anything about it until I went to a play at Miami University advertised as “based on the Steubenville Rape Case” : — it was absolute GARBAGE! ridiculously, Steubenville wasn’t even named in the play! its relation to the incident was purely atmospheric : they didn’t even bring up the hackers! And it did rankle : U f*****s weren’t there : U ain’t from Steubenville : what right do you have ? But of course, I wasn’t about to write no NON-FICTION. . . The basis of my novels is imagining my way thru counterfactuals : Tropicália started with the question : What if my dad had indeed gone to prison (a looming possibility thru-out my upbringing) and I had been raised in Rio by just my mom? . . . Steubenville started with an even thornier question : What if I was the star quarterback for the Catholic Central Crusaders, and I became a rapist ? STITCHING & UNSTITCHING HAS BEEN NOUGHT MY DREAM was always to be a great quarterback. I used to tell everyone : — I wasn’t allowed to be quarterback : people in Steubenville were racist against Brasilians : they never even gave me a shot! Not true, they did give me a shot. I had a fantastic arm, and I was fat, — like Jared Lorentzen. In 6th Grade they let me come in for one play : a deep pass. . . — I was overwhelmed, broke my thumb on an opposing player’s head throwing the ball : the ball was intercepted. I never got another chance. The name of the star quarterback in HUMPTY DUMPTY is Darius Rodgers (my name is Harold Darius Rogers, — for those of you keeping track at home). So, I had my content kernel . . . : but it’s easy to make a novel about something; the hard part writing a novel is finding the architecture. . . If U can’t talk cogently about Ur novel’s architecture, it’s probably a wack project, — at least for the kind of work I care about. . . I’ll lay my cards out on the table: my goal is to write CANONICAL LITERATURE : if that ain’t Ur reason to write, I am not interested in Ur work. The CONTEMPORARY work attempting to be canonical has to do two things : surpass or equal the work in its tradition, and engage with the forms of its own time. This is the architecture of HUMPTY DUMPTY : there are 14 chapters; each chapter is broken up into sections I originally wanted to make exactly 1500 words each, but now they’re like 1350-1600 words, — 56 total sections. The form of the book, — which took me seven drafts to discover, — is basically this : What if the wily narrator of Tristram Shandy told a lurid, dramatic, entangled story like from an HBO teen drama but presented as a true-crime reconstruction? (Mixing old b******t (Sterne) with hyper-contemporary forms.) The chapters alternate between scenes told by the narrator and Archive sections which include three documents from the Rodgers family : interviews with Darius’s dad John, excerpts from his mother Beatriz’s private memoir, excerpts from his twin sister Anna’s diary, — and one outsider document : a manifesto written by a villainous incel named Harry Cunha (another version of my name). Now why is there so much material in this book that gestures at REALITY? Like why the f**k am I giving these characters versions of my name? The form of the first quarter of the 21st-century, — whether U liked it or not, — was autofiction. This is about engaging with the forms of our time. HUMPTY DUMPTY is in NO WAY autofiction. The book pretends to be autofiction. Not just in its internal form, but also the way it points to the author’s life outside the book. If U try to glean what is actual REAL in HUMPTY, U will be lost to the point of insanity. I love playing with verisimilitude. The lawyers at my publishing house do not. I had several culling conferences with the lawyer : he insisted I could not use the name of my real high school in the book. That honestly devastated me. I called Gaby crying, “I can’t use Catholic Central in the book! I have to change it!” “Ok, so what? Do it.” “DON’T U UNDERSTAND THIS SPOILS MY GAMES WITH THE READER?!” . . . then there were the likenesses : I tried to circumvent this by telling the lawyer everyone who might’ve had a slight resemblance to a real life person was DEAD. But the b*****d started looking up obituaries! . . . eventually, after several grinding conferences in which I’d always get speechlessly upset and then chipper up, realizing lawyer-attrition was like surrealist chance, and it might make the novel better by happenstance, the lawyer finally said to me, “So everything now is like stock, right? Not specific enough for anyone to notice?” I shook my head yes, agreeing we had transformed my novel into generic pablum : — which obviously we didn’t, but the fact is what the publishing house wants is a novel completely denuded of risk. They can tolerate non-fiction, and auto-fiction, but what they absolutely cannot tolerate is taking inventive liberties with reality. DON’T F**K WITH PEOPLE’S REALITY! When indeed : that’s ALL I wanna do : and reality-uncertainty is the signature quality of our time. . . BUT NEEDS MUCH LABORING THE FIRST DRAFT in January 2022 was heavy under the influence of The Posthumous Memoirs of Brás Cubas (1881) which I was rereading at the time; but the writing f*****g sucked so bad I had to keep wiping my own barf off the keyboard while I was working. I hear a lot of people don’t read while they’re writing : I literally can’t understand that at all. Herman Melville had a cute little early-work-meshing boat story, then he went on a maniacal Shakespeare & Milton deep-dive: emerged 18 months later with Moby-Dick. Writing a novel : U R a witch hunched over Ur cauldron : — everything U toss in will affect the spell and the taste. Why not throw in some newt eyes and Joyce? U don’t want other writing to cloud Ur own voice? MAKE UR VOICE STRONGER! If U are writing in a tradition and ignoring the books in the tradition : DISASTER! : U R now competing against books U don’t even know Ur competing against! That’s what ma

    14 min
  6. JAN 12

    VOVÔ'S ASHES

    (1) — U EVER DUMP A BODY. . .? APPARENTLY: YOU’RE NOT allowed to scatter human ashes wherever you want. I kept thinking, regarding our plan, as we pulled up to Engenhoca beach, in Riberia, on the Ilha do Governador (where my mom & my grandparents & their grandparents had all grown up) : imagine you’re floating on your back in the water, enjoying the Sunday carioca sunshine, and suddenly the water around you gets cloudy with what used to be my grandfather. . . Luckily, the beach was mostly empty; few people drinking chopp in plastic chairs at the whale-themed kiosk called MOBDICK (pronouncing it in a brasilian accent adds the Y); city sanitation workers saharanly garbed in garish orange. . . I said, “should we ask them guys for permission?” Mom said, “are you f*****g crazy?!” . . . we squealed up to the curb in our rented van; I unbuckled my grandpa & uncle’s urns from the front row; we hopped out like a bank robbery. . . squawkering=bickering about plan-details, I felt like a young parrot on a tree where all the adult-parrots are getting loudly divorced. . . . . . we walked down to the edge of the water, plunked down the two urns, made a circle around them: mom, grandma, dad, sister, sister’s boyfriend, Gaby; the sanitation worker put his broom down, crossed his arms, watched us keenly as a crane eyes fish-prey. . . . our oafish trundle cultishly holding hands, enforcing sudden solemnity in what had absolutely not been solemn. . . oh it was all so funny. . . I started laughing, Gaby caught my laugh like tuberculosis, we held hands tightly to steel ourselves. . . my mom ragefully brisked thru her last words on her brother & father and stormed off, crying, —NOBODY TAKES ANYTHING SERIOUSLY IN THIS F*****G FAMILY!, —MOM, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO IT’S HILARIOUS?! —LET’S JUST GO BACK AND FORGET ABOUT ALL THIS! —HAROLD, HERE, my ever-pragmatic father yelled, handing me one of the urns; he hurled the bio-degradable urn-lid into the ocean, started scattering the ashes / / would’ve been a gentle scattering if it was as easy as that word made it sound, but these ashes had been packed tight for almost six years, bunched in hard as old flour. . . . . . my dad starts taking fistfuls of my grandpa, tossing him into Guanabara Bay like a baseball; I didn’t wanna touch the ashes at first, but once he went for it, so did I, and suddenly all this grim morbidity broke into horseplay fun as a snowball fight : — tossing, dumping, shin-deep in the water laughing like a maniac, the wind blowing ashes back at me so by the end I was coated with a thin layer of my grandpa & uncle’s remains. . . when it was over I took both the lidless urns out deep into the water, filled them up, pressed them into the soft sand. . . I looked to check if the sanitation worker was still peering, but he was long-gone, caught up in his own disposals. . . . . . on the way back to the van, my mom yelled at me, “YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO WRITE ABOUT THIS!” (2) — NOT ALLOWED TO WRITE ABOUT THIS. . . ? WHEN I WAS a kid, I was always knowing stuff I wasn’t allowed to know. . . Mom & Grandma were setting up an email address for Grandpa, pondering what the handle should be; I was 9 or 10 : I said, “how about alcoholic123?” I thought they would crack up; but instead, they look at me mysteriously grim, and my mother exploded, HOW DARE YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT!? It was an extremely confusing moment for me : we all knew the truth, but for some reason, I wasn’t supposed to say anything that revealed I knew, — meanwhile I had picked up my grandpa’s drunk ass from the bathroom floor. It was no secret. The lesson : TRUE don’t mean you’re allowed to TELL. I WROTE A LOT about my grandpa in my first book, Tropicália (2023); — to a family-secret-spilling extent; — because I loved my grandpa dearly, and he was an excellent crux in which to explore one of my matter-most questions : How do you love someone who is objectively bad in so many ways? Grandpa died of cirrhosis at Miguel Couto Hospital on 13 January 2020; his last day at home was New Year’s Day : he was fantastically lucid the night before, — even classically complaining my grandma’s rabanadas were only OK. . . ; but he slept in worryingly late; this is what I wrote in my journal on 2 JAN 2020 : “. . . grandma comes to me says lets see if you can get him up, I went in there he was totally unresponsive like he was sleeping real deep and couldn’t get up, not moving nothing, I was like s**t, we gotta call an ambulance, my dad comes in the room sees grandpa and starts crying. . . we waited for an hour and then they show up with the jankiest stretcher I’ve ever seen in my life. . . I had to do the paramedics job for them, get the chair down to the street get him into the ambulance, he didn’t say nothing except for a deep moan. . . we’ll see how it tuns out, very sad.” Here is Lucia’s reflection, in Tropicália, after her Grandpa dies, thinking about how it’ll effect her young cousin Marta, “Grandpa used to loom fearsome in our lives, so it was odd to see him blip out so puny. Marta never got to experience his raucous rage nor his nice funny turns, he was just sick: a death-ticking clock. Like a pet fish. No. Marta had already suffered so much in her nine years. . . I was worried the world’s wounds would leave her calloused and mean. That’s what happened to my grandpa.” My grandpa was the king of bounce-back; so many times you thought he was DEAD, then he would just be FINE. Once, we were totally sure he was brain-dead; he was a drooling incoherent shuffler, —there’s a picture of him dancing with my grandma in the kitchen: she’s moving his arms, guiding him, his head is lolling soullessly. We thought it was the end; he had a heat stroke and we rushed him to the hospital; they found out he had some artery issue, snipped him up, and he comes back home, curmudgeonly acute like his old self, basically like, “that hospital food sucks, huh?” We thought the same thing would happen again. He was cogent at the hospital; I had a conversation with him on January 12; I left to go back to New York; he died. In Tropicália, I imagine a final death-bed scene, the Grandpa, thinking he’s talking to his wife, but he’s all alone, nobody can hear him, reconciliation is meaningless now, “I’m a fool who would give anything to have his life back. . . I hear the Ilha wind, the palm trees rustling, everything is getting soft slow bright like your eyes Marta, the waves lapping at our feet, let’s close our eyes for a moment, let’s sleep.” My mom translated Tropicália into portuguese; I have a copy she was annotating while she worked; she wrote in the margins of the grandpa chapter, “This is very very hard to read, too true. . .” TOO TRUE : is that possible? Tropicália poked at festering wounds, exposed some things never meant to be seen. . . there was so much about my grandpa — ! ! ! — . ! ! — * ! * — . . . I never told anyone; —NO —> once, I let it spill : I was at a bonfire with my girlfriend in high-school, Christina; I blacked out in 30 minutes, puked all over her; came to inside a freezing barn in Fort Cherry PA. . . We were curled up next to each other on the floor in sleeping bags, — I have a picture of this; — half-consciously I started barfing confessions, spilling every secret I’d ever kept. I don’t remember what she said. By daybreak, I was ashamed. Everything that was so important to me was immediately diminished. . . the lingering taste of poison on my breath. . . Maybe some things should remain UNTOLD. . . (3) — WHY AM I STILL TELLING. . . ? MY FAVORITE PICTURE : my grandparents on their wedding day : on the back, in my grandpa’s careful handwriting, in red ink, “your kids, Hugo Areias da Cunha & Maria Lucia Von Klay Alves da Cunha offer this with care to their father and father in law. Memory from our wedding 24 June 1966.” This photograph was given as a gift to my great-grandpa Sebastian : — I know almost nothing about Sebastian ; my great-grandma Celeste dumped him for reasons difficult to parse : one story : her hoity family noseupturnedly spoiled the match. . . That don’t make sense to me. Celeste ended up a single mom living on the Morro do Dendê, so broke my grandpa, as the oldest, would dinnertime=slaughter street pigeons. In Celeste & Sebastian’s wedding picture, he looks small, — mustached & morose; — even removing retrospection, it can’t possibly bode a happy life. On the way to my American grandpa’s funeral, 4 November 2019, I asked Vovô Hugo how Sebastian died. Tuberculosis. Alone at the hospital. No visitors allowed. Got sick : Hugo never saw him again. . . “Were you sad?” I asked him. “I don’t remember.” LET’S LOOK : my grandparents. . . Gaby saw this picture, said, “oh my god your grandma was a baddie.” . . . my dad saw it : “wow, Hugo was handsome, no wonder he was getting all that p***y.” Before the alheial Ilha hoes & dead-beat drunken worklessness: UNION. My grandma trusts him ; she’s 20 ; her head tilted toward him : she was laying it on his chest a moment before the photo, I met this man on a bus fell for his wily talk about my dreamy eyes, everyone says it’s a horrible idea he’s a bum like his dad but I have to maybe — PICTURE! — lifts her head somnambulantly, grips his waist, hope overrides fear. Lucia has a secret. Can you tell in her eyes? She’s pregnant. — Concealed fathoms : the angelic ingenue sad eyes warning her future // his secret : A SHADOW : glimpse a man behind the man // darkness like a cumulonimbus gravid over Guanabara Bay. . . Don’t let fate’s cement harden your LOOK . . . Favor a different reading : concealing something else, — check Hugo’s expression & the left crinkle of Lucia’s cheek, her lip rising in a barely visible smirk. . . — they were LAUG

    10 min
  7. JAN 5

    ARE U INSANE ?!

    [A: TORRENT OF NUTJOBS] — 1 WHY IS EVERYONE INSANE BUT ME? This question’s been whistling in my head like the irremediable shrill of a bem-te-vi: — . . . I’ve been with my family in Rio. . . Machado de Assis turns this question into his 1882 story, The Alienist ; — Dr. Simão Bacamarte, a psychiatrist, opens up an asylum in his small town of Itaguaí: Casa Verde, “to carry out an in-depth study of madness in its various degrees, classifying each type and finally discovering both the true cause of the phenomenon and its universal remedy.” But soon Dr. Simão Bacamarte, — a tower of sagacity, patience, diligence, — realizes madness ain’t just an errant rotten fruit dangling off the banana-plant of humanity ; , : the whole shebang is lunátick. The terror starts with Costa; a completely regular, upright, sane dude who inherited an immense fortune from his uncle but dwindled it away lending money (already sus), but the final nail in his crazy-coffin: he forgives all the debts. . . NOBODY would do that unless they were vesanically vespertilian, — MY BAD! I’m trying to be clearer: I mean BATSHIT. Costa’s cousin runs to the doctor, pleading with him: it’s not Costa’s fault he lost the fortune!!! A slave cursed their Uncle : his money wouldn’t last seven years and a day! “Bacamarte fixed the woman with eyes as sharp as daggers. . . and he took her to the Casa Verde and locked her up in the hallucination wing.” — 2 I WOULD UP LOCK MY MOM & GRANDMA. Of course the terror in Itaguaí begins over a money-problem. . . ; . . . Mom & Grandma been fighting on a loop so recursive, it’s like the joke where the guy shows up to prison and everyone knows each other’s jokes so well all they have to do is say a number and everyone laughs. . . All they gotta say is “three!” and we know to slow-put our hand to our foreheads in exasperated solemnity, sigh as if we’ve been waiting at the bus-stop for hours. “Three!” is Mom yelling at Grandma to stop sending my 15 year old cousin Stella money. Stella is my dead uncle’s daughter. She lives with her ganacious ungracious malevolently-puppeteering mother in Rio das Ostras. . . Grandma got a little lypemania-induced forgettyness; Stella & her mother have been taking advantage of this. Milking her pretty good, cashcow-wise. Grandma thought she was paying for Stella’s school for most of the year; turns out, the school don’t really exist. . . Mom put a note on the fridge : “Do not pay for Stella’s school, it is a FAKE SCHOOL.” I’ve been doing a bit where I walk into the kitchen as Grandma, saying, “I’m going to send Stella money!” I look at the note on the fridge, then walk out with my PIX open. . . . Stella’s straight up heartbreakingly mean to Grandma. She was supposed to come stay with us December 26; instead she sent Grandma a voice message saying, “ughhhh vó like you can’t tell me when to come visit. I have plans with my friends, I’ll come whenever I want. You’re so annoying!” Which Grandma will respond to with gushing endearment and Stella will hit her back with like a thumbs up. . . she didn’t even tell her Merry Christmas. . . Mom is trying to protect Grandma’s heart, she can’t understand why Grandma keeps letting herself get hurt ; Grandma is desperate to hold on to the last remaining piece of her son, she can’t understand why Mom won’t let her do that. . . Both look at each other’s REASON like INSANITY. [B: FLOOD OF PSYCHOS] —3 WE MUST TAKE DR. SIMÃO BACAMARTE SERIOUSLY. The Alienist is a funny story, but Bacamarte is a serious figure, and there’s florescence in his research, “Let’s suppose the human spirit is an enormous seashell. My goal is to see if I can extract from it the pearl of reason. Or, in other words, to delineate definitively the boundaries of reason and insanity. Reason is the perfect equilibrium of all the faculties; beyond that lies madness, madness, and only madness.” He begins supposing street-screaming gesticulating is madness, but realizes reason is so warped by human subjectivity, everyone is CRAZY. Dr. Bacamarte our psychiatrist-trufflepig sniffs out humanity’s biggest problem : this “I” I call MYSELF. . . the true cause of madness is personal FREEDOM. Ethics, or even comprehensible action, requires the solid ground of objectivity, but the SELF is a raging Jovian storm where reason often can’t find footing; — the problem : it appears placid as a ducky lake. How is anything ever supposed to make sense when I can’t understand why you’re acting the way you do ; yet, it makes perfect sense to you, but you can’t understand why I’m acting the way I do. . . everyone thinks they’re right. . . Machado de Assis is obsessed with freedom : especially with how most people dig their own graves with their choices; his most comic character Dr. Bacamarte is trying to GOVERN everybody’s freedom : — that’s the cure to INSANITY! . . . the town finally turns on the Doctor when he locks up his beloved wife. . . She’s planning to go to the town ball; she asks Bacamarte which necklace she should wear : garnet or sapphire. He says, Up 2 U, baby. She asks him again at lunch : same answer. . . Finally, “In the middle of the night, sometime around one thirty, I woke up and she wasn’t there. I got out of bed, went to our dressing room, and found her with two necklaces, trying them on in front of the mirror, first one, then the other. She was obviously deranged, so I had her committed at once.” — 4 NEW YEAR’S DAY, I REALLY WANTED TO LOCK GABY UP. I was suffering from diarrhea, sun-malaise, reveillonresaca; — pusillanimously tired. Gaby was hungry. I said, I’ll go wherever U wanna go. She dawdled endlessly. Around 11:30PM, I drew her choice out like sucking poison from a snake bite. . . She wanted a milkshake & fries from Bob’s. We passed McDonald’s on N. Senhora; she said, “wait. . . should I get McDonald’s or Bob’s?” I said, “up 2 U, baby.” We went to Bob’s on Figueiredo. . . a hopeless ordeal. . . the workers futz around like Sisyphus, putting plastic cups in the cup stack and taking them out. . . the line grows on the street like an inextinguishable weed. . . we waited for 10 minutes before going to McDonald’s. . . I should’ve been suspicious McDonald’s was a deeper HELL. . . : it was as crowded with Argentines as a pop-up Messi statue unveiling. . . Gaby said, “should we just give up?” I said, “Up 2 U, baby.” She ordered a burger & fries. Order #135. We joined the impatient scattered cattle queue ; — glomming, glooming like a cumulonimbus. . . They called out Order #68. An angry midnight McDonald’s is a cauldron of subjectivity clash. HOLY MOLY! The people waiting for the orders are mad at the workers, the workers are mad at the people waiting. Everybody is MAD & hungry & uncomprehending. . . After an hour they called out Order #78, Gaby was whispering in my ear, “i’m so sorry, this was such a bad call, i’m so sorry. . .” We waited until about 1:13AM, canceled the order, got out money back, bailed. . . If people are using their free will to purgatory at McDonald’s in the middle of the night, maybe freedom is a S******E and we all need locked up. . . [C: SOLITUDE OF SANDICE] — 5 I HAVE A BOX OF PICTURES FROM MY GREAT AUNT SOLANGE. She was the last of my grandpa’s siblings to die. . . in October 2025. . . alone, wilted, demented in a nursing home. . . my cousin Marcos brought the pictures over: he was too depressed to look thru it. . . I knew Solange as a villain; a boisterous gap-toothed drunk always cackling with her sister Neli behind a cloud of cigarette smoke; they were cruel to my grandma, mean to my mother; — once, even, they pulled my sister into a room when she was about eight: told her if she was fat, no man would ever love her. . . Solange’s life got lonelier with each passing year; her husband Valdir (a hilarious, gargantuan ogre) died when I was a kid : hit by a car running away from a robbery he committed. I only knew her story from the margins of my life; now I was looking thru her pictures from the perspective of her as an agent, and it was hard to see her as a villain. . . There were a bunch of pictures of this random, handsome guy in the box. I asked Grandma, “who is this dude?” Apparently it was Paulo Monte, a Brasilian TV star in the 1970s; he had a show called O Show de Turismo. . . When he was 45, Paulo fell in love with Solange. She was 16. Just a poor girl on the Ilha do Governador, her mother encouraged the match. . . he took her all over Europe, the box is filled with postcards of her writing to her sister and her mother; here’s one dated 13/10/73, “Dear Mommy, after visiting Vienna, I am in Switzerland, in the city of Lucerne, which is marvelous, but I miss you more every passing day. . . The cold here is terrible, but I finally realized my dream, picking up snow with my hands! Tomorrow we go to Frankfurt. With me and Paulo everything is fine. . . I just miss you, that’s all. Many sweet kisses, Solange. . . . Paulo bought her an apartment in Copacabana, put her up lavishly; . . . but Solange ended up cheating on him and he dumped her. . . Her bitterness grew like a shell, each passing year. Is what looks like INSANITY in other people, often, just a paucity of knowledge on our part? — 6 HOW DO YOU THINK IT ENDS FOR DR. SIMÃO BACAMARTE? Well, he thinks, if everyone is insane, I’m gonna start locking up the people who seem SANE. . . Machado would agree with Bacamarte here: people who use their freedom to become stalwart, proper functioning moral agents are the ones who are truly NUTS. But nobody can retain the equanimity of their reason for long, “At the end of five and a half months Casa Verde was empty; everyone was cured! . . . there were no madmen in Itaguaí; the town possessed not one single lun

    11 min
  8. 12/29/2025

    UNREADABLE, TURGID, OVERWRITTEN, OBSCENE. . . .

    THERE IS A HAND TO TURN THE TIME. . . . I BOUGHT GRAVITY’S RAINBOW 10 YEARS AGO. Suffering from an Infinite Jest addiction, I was on the prowl for anything that could fill me up the way Wallace did. . . but the book was so terror-shrouded, I couldn’t crack it open. . . what did that phrase “gravity’s rainbow” even mean!? I bought the guide book. But seeing the book required a guide book almost equally as thick tossed another crocodile in Pynchon’s moat of impenetrability. . . . I was petrified as a chubby kid at a pool party, fidgeting with my shirt, catching sight of the prettiest girl in school before retreating, bashful & humiliated. Back then I wasn’t so keen on penetrating the impenetrable. My first literary friend Matt (with whom I bonded over IJ) tried to convince me to read Ulysses my freshman year of college; I started quaking, said, “B-b-but isn’t t-t-there L-l-latin in it?” Gravity’s Rainbow followed me around for a decade; — once I had more fiercely erected weaponry for fortress-piercing, there were other obstacles. I’d privately ejaculate, “it’s Pynchon time!,” crack open the book, read until, “His name is Capt. Geoffrey (“Pirate”) Prentice.” SLAM the book closed, —SHUT UP! Pirate Prentice! Are you f*****g serious?! What a stupid name! But on this attempt, I gave it five more pages and encountered this paragraph: “Now there grows among all the rooms, replacing the night’s old smoke, alcohol and sweat, the fragile, musaceous odor of Breakfast: flowery, permeating, surprising, more than the color of winter sunlight, taking over not so much through any brute pungency or volume as by the high intricacy to the weaving of its molecules, sharing the conjuror’s secret by which —though it is not often Death is told so clearly to f**k off— the living genetic chains prove even labyrinthine enough to preserve some human face down ten or twenty generations. . . so the same assertion-through-structure allows this war morning’s banana fragrance to meander, repossess, prevail. Is there any reason not to open every window, and let the kind scent blanket all Chelsea? As a spell, against falling objects. . .” Which earned the earliest WOW I ever wrote in the margin of a book. . . . Meander, repossess, prevail! As a spell against falling objects! There ain’t many writers in history capable of writing a paragraph with this much sense, color, and beauty. If you can do this, I’ll follow you anywhere. And it also introduces the main theme of the book : Telling Death to f**k off. ALL THRU OUR CRIPPLED ZONE. . . . WHAT’S THE BEST WAY TO BEAT OFF DEATH? Tyrone Slothrop thinks it’s by getting a lot of p***y; he’s f*****g just about every girl in London : on a map above his desk he marks each ejaculation-location with a star, “Christ they’re all beautiful. . . in leaf or flower around his wintering city, in teashops, in the queues babushkaed and coatwrapped, sighing, sneezing, all lisle legs on the curbstones, hitchhiking, typing. . . How Slothrop’s garden grows. Teems with virgin’s-bower, with forget-me-nots, with rue—and all over the place, purple and yellow as hickeys, a prevalence of love-in-idleness.” The sex-spots correspond with places rockets have been dropped on the city, leading to a very complicated, careening, rocket-business : — the main plot of the book; — I couldn’t tell you what b/c I don’t give a damn about the rockets. My reading was balustradeless; — these books that become academic darlings have no shortage of guides, U can easily find out what’s happening on every page of GR. The problem with guides : they make you look in the RIGHT direction; — take weedy, unruly, active IMAGINATION, shove it into a system; why hand yourself over, like a lost kid at a theme park, to a systematized rendering of CORRECTNESS? There is freedom in trying to LOOK at the thing DIRECTLY. Wipe off the yearspiled dust of consensus. Even if U are hopelessly muddled. . . Challenge Urself to BE WRONG. Tyrone Slothrop is a transmogrified portrait of Thomas Pynchon himself : — a bounding, ambulant, American Don Juan, “S**t, money, and the Word, the three American truths, powering the American mobility, claimed the Slothrops, clasped them for good to the country’s fate.” cocking his way thru 1945 Europe; ending up scattered, diffused, no longer a contiguous self separate from the world’s machine . . . Like Pynchon who’s gone to great lengths to abdicate a public personality . . . the coolest thing you can do in this age of overwhelming author selfhood, BRANDING. . . Tyrone Slothrop never finds LOVE. I don’t know if he’s really looking for it. He’s a ruined person in a ruined world. . . his ruin comes from his childhood, when the too-early intrusion of science spoiled & manacled his flowering. . . The evil, Pavlovian, Dr. Jamf, who haunts this book, used Tyrone for an experiment when he was just a baby. . . : he wanted to see if he could condition a baby to respond with a boner to any stimulus; and tho Jamf “extinguished” this response, it’s still within Slothrop, there beyond the zero, the effect being : — the one place where one might think themselves completely free : SEX, — has belonged to an enormous system Slothrop can’t see or comprehend, since he was a little boy. . . . the closest Slothrop ever comes to LOVE is the summer he spends with Katje at the Casino Hermann Goering; they spend a summer in each other’s arms, then she leaves, “After making love she lies propped on an elbow watching him, breathing deep, dark nipples riding with the swell, as buoys ride on the white sea. . . When he wakes she is gone, completely, most of her never-worn clothes still in the closet, blisters and a little wax on his finger and one cigarette, stubbed out before its time in an exasperated fishhook. . . She never wasted cigarettes. She must have sat, smoking, watching him while he slept. . . until something, he’ll never be asking her what, triggered her, made it impossible to stay until cigarette’s end. He straightens it out, finishes it, no point wasting smokes is there, with a war on. . .” But he’ll never know if it was even real. Katje might’ve just been an agent of Them. . . nothing is outside Their purview, “Would they ever agree to let him and Katje live like that? He’s had nothing to say to anyone about her. . . He wants to preserve what he can of her from Their several entropies, from Their softsoaping and Their money: maybe he thinks that if he can do it for her he can also do it for himself. . . although that’s awful close to nobility for Slothrop and The Penis He Thought Was His Own.” FIND THE LAST POOR PRETERITE ONE. . . . WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT THE DAMNED? Worse, what if you’re one of the damned? Katje’s ancestor Frans Van der Groov shipped off to Mauritius in the middle of the 17th Century, lucre-lust & ale on his breath; he, “lost thirteen years toting his haakbus through the ebony forests, wandering the swamps and lava flows, systematically killing off the native dodoes for reasons he could not explain. . . the stupid, awkward bird, never intended to fly or run at any speed—what were they good for?—unable now even to locate his murder, ruptured, splashing blood, raucously dying. . .” These pointless dodoes. Frans doesn’t even realize why he’s killing them; he thinks he’s one of the Elect; what he doesn’t realize : he’s an unpaid mercenary on behalf of the forward progress of the world; there are Commercial Systems moving his hand against the dodo, by the time he realizes he isn’t part of the saved, it’s too late, “This furious host were losers, impersonating a race chosen by God. The colony, the venture, was dying—like the ebony trees they were stripping from the island, like the poor species they were removing totally from the earth. By 1681, Didus ineptus would be gone, by 1710 so would every last settler from Mauritius. The enterprise would’ve lasted about a human lifetime.” Where was God in all this? Who are the Elect? “God is not altogether such a one as themselves, tho’ they may imagine him to be so. The wrath of God burns against them, their damnation don’t slumber, the pit is prepared, the fire is made ready, the furnace is now hot, ready to receive them, the flames do now rage and glow. The glittering sword is whet, and held over them, and the pit hath opened her mouth under them.” Around the time Katje’s ancestor was killing dodoes, Slothrop’s ancestor William wrote a treatise on the Damned, called On Preterition, “William felt that what Jesus was for the elect, Judas Iscariot was for the Preterite. Everything in the Creation has its equal and opposite counterpart. How can Jesus be an exception? could we feel for him anything but horror in the face of the unnatural, the extracreational? Well if he is the son of man, and if what we feel is not horror but love, then we have to love Judas too. . . Might there have been fewer crimes in the name of Jesus, and more mercy in the name of Judas?” What if Christianity had been based, instead of on the martial triumph of Christ, on mercy for Judas’s damnation? Might Western Culture have bloomed more forgiving, tender? Might Jesus Christ be, like the Rocket, just the outward expression and symbol of the forces of Them? He might’ve realized too late, like Frans; he wasn’t of the Elect, he was being used; — all there was : unredeemed Crucifixion; more grist for God’s eternal mill. . . William Slothrop developed his thoughts about the Damned because he made his living slaughtering swine, “William must’ve been waiting for the one pig that wouldn’t die, that would validate all the ones who’d had to, all his Gadarene swine who’d rushed into extinction like lemmings, possessed not by demons but by trust for men, which the men kept betraying. . . possessed

    15 min

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