Falling Gently Podcast

Falling Gently
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Broadening the context through which I look at the world, finding connection and wonder. We need each other to remind each other. fallingtenderly.substack.com

  1. 10h ago

    Keeping Up With The Times

    Well over a year ago, in conversation My son told me he was ‘chalant’ I told him that wasn’t a word He insisted it was I insisted it wasn’t My son is an extremely laid back young man He could be late for something he cares about And still saunter from the car to the door when I drop him off I have literally never seen him run I assumed he meant nonchalant Because, well, he is But it turns out, he is sometimes, out in the wild More invested, proactive and engaged Not afraid of people seeing his interest and care And thereby referred to by some as chalant A term I found both incorrect and ludicrous Until about 5 months ago when I started seeing articles about being chalant Popping up everywhere This idea of being unabashedly emotionally available I had to call my son and eat crow Luckily, he’s pretty gracious about it It’s not the first time I’ve had to update my files Via a little scuffle with my kids I was sure I was right about It feels that somewhere between puberty and driver’s licenses The dynamic shifted The flow of information no longer went from me to them But slowly began to reverse Instead of me informing them They began updating me It’s humbling And often hilarious And it makes me feel better about the future I was happy to learn that my laid-back son isn’t afraid to be present and engaged Indeed, he told me “I can’t wait to see how emotionally intelligent my kids are’ ‘Oh yeah?’ I asked “Yeah. I mean, you’re so much more emotionally intelligent than your parents And i’m so much more emotionally intelligent than you…” After I stopped laughing And maybe wanting to kick him In all his sincerity and all of mine I kindof like that what I think I know isn’t necessarily ‘right’ anymore That new things are always emerging I just hope I can keep up This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

    Keeping Up With The Times

  2. 2d ago

    Aggressively Pursuing Peace

    I spent the first half of my life aggressively pursuing peace In myself (Meditate more! Read more books! Find the Magic Formula!) In my family (See how smart I am and do what I say and we’ll be fine!) And in the world (Protest! Lobby! Canvass! Convince! Enroll! Recycle!) Yet those heartfelt efforts did not generate the experience of peace They kept an idea of peace just out of reach And dependent upon herding colonies of wildly disinterested cats Eventually, all that well-intentioned aggression fried my nervous system A nervous system, like so many others, tuned to chronic urgency The floor was always lava It was not a game My individual reorientation came through illness My sister’s came through grief The list of specific mechanisms is endless But the dynamic at play was: All these ideas you have about what’s right and wrong Maybe take a breath And learn to listen instead of dictate To participate instead of compulsively organize Align instead of direct For a person who thought her devotion necessarily had to pay dividends in the world It’s a radical reorganization of identity and purpose It’s also extremely relieving I’m not sure if hamsters think the wheel will get them out of the cage But it doesn’t, no matter how hard they try The wheel appeals to their natural desire to run in their environment But it doesn’t fulfill it Instinct redirected to futility It also has an antidote An intentional design that harnesses the instinct Because while sometimes little rodents are desperate to find food or escape predators Even well-nourished hamsters in the wild continue to run and forage As a participatory act in the ecology But those are two very different points of origin One is panicked, the other is more relaxed. Both are active One is generative Like if the hamster wheel powered an Easy Bake Oven of hamster treats All my strain didn’t yield peace But my growing peace continues to dissolve strain It doesn’t make me passive But it surely makes me less anxious And more than even my best organizing Meeting hard things softly Invites a generosity of care That lets peace grow Stay tuned to see if I invent an Easy Bake Oven for hamster treats… This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

    Aggressively Pursuing Peace

  3. 4d ago

    Dead Spider Tai Chi

    My Tai Chi teacher used to say I practiced Dead Spider Tai Chi I was always poised to collapse I swore I was standing straight and ‘strong’ But when I got tapped even lightly from the side My leg would collapse into center Same with my torso or my arms I can now feel that it originated in the tilt of my hips And the relationship from hip to ankle to foot to earth But for years, this stability eluded me Five minutes with Sue Choi shifted the dynamic forever I finally found Unbreakable Leg Practicing her work, I experience the body’s promises I am supported I have power without strain And I am at ease These aren’t affirmations They’re the felt sense of a body organized for coherence What’s funny is I remember being awkward in my body as a kid And hoping I’d learn how to inhabit it correctly someday Sue’s work brought that day into being By aligning reliably into what she calls the neutral body or the body of resource I can feel the weight of gravity move through my bones And the more settled I become, the more I can notice and release tension and bracing Oh-so-much tension and bracing Although I would’ve assured you I didn’t hold tension I was so enmeshed in it, I identified it as my ‘self’ Sue’s work also brought into clarity something I’d been dancing around with dozens of somatic teachers The body of story, my habitual posture made up of accumulated tensions The residue of a lifetime of bracings, small and large Compounded into fields that literally restructured my posture I began to notice that my body took on specific shapes during different emotions And when I could intentionally organize my body differently It loosened the weight of my mood Attention to aligning to and exploring the neutral body Has helped me reclaim my body’s natural resources My stories were organizing my posture to a huge degree Now my design is And as I get better at this I notice these little tensions that have run via my subconscious Just in the background All the time, perhaps from last week, perhaps from 50 years ago But now they get the light of attention And the structure of alignment I can relax into and move from Coherent Body gave me the reference and knowing I never learned as a kid How to organize myself to receive the natural support and power of a living being Counterbalancing so much accumulated bracing I was trapped in a web of my own tensions And didn’t know the simple shifts that could release me Now I do I wish I’d had this knowledge straight out the gate So I could’ve been a nimble panther in my Tai Chi and in my life Without that pesky Dead Spider phase Join me in exploring the felt sense of freedom and possibility even when things are tough. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

    Dead Spider Tai Chi

  4. Jul 17

    The Shock of Harmony

    My partner greatly contributes to my well-being But he is not who I would’ve chosen for myself. My younger self romanticized a partner who was dazzling I worked backstage at a music venue in my youth. It was a lot of fun. I quickly adapted to proximity to influence I expected to be in the center of arts and culture Laughing with a glass of champagne in one hand Watching world-class musicians sitting on the couch playing Beatles songs I expected a flashy life My husband is not flashy I knew him for months and would not have considered dating him He was a bit quiet for me Incredibly understated Very laid back It was not until Janet Goings came back after a three week business trip to Japan with him and said He is ‘the best person to travel with’ Did I open to seeing him in a different way And it was like a bell being struck I had dated many wonderful, charismatic men With often turbulent dynamics I’d traveled with several And it was usually fraught Someone wonderful to travel with piqued my interest So, I gave him a shot. The harmony I experienced in our relationship was almost a shock Not only “not turbulence” But actual harmony Respectful, mutual care and active appreciation Not flashy But very compelling I was, actually and literally, surprised every day for the first decade of my marriage Low-key waiting for reality to set in The honeymoon to wear off The low-level discord to creep in What I didn’t fully realize Was that we came from two different relational orientations I hadn’t even known his existed I grew up with fiery, maybe contentious communication Yelling was not uncommon Defending one’s rightness was the dynamic My husband speaks his words, quietly and curiously Because of that I have never felt like he was questioning my goodness Even if he was inquiring about a choice or behavior he didn’t care for He’d ask me about it He didn’t challenge me over it He’d ask how I got to that conclusion And then listen while I explained what I was thinking He did this so many times, so gently and so consistently He taught me to, too Prior to him I thought disagreement necessarily involved discord The idea that the other person wasn’t somehow attacking or invalidating me? I’d really never imagined it Because of this, we could address things when they were tiny With curiosity His communication style set a field of safety I’d never imagined But it didn’t come fully formed It came as a bud After Janet planting the seed And, it’s true, he really is great to travel with. Once we went to Sicily, where my grandfather built a shrine And on the ferry ride there My husband was on the bow with all the Italian day-trip truck drivers At first, he thought dozens of fights were about to break out. All these guys in each other’s space, gesturing wildly Their facial expressions - My husband’s Swedish. That’s not the way his people converse. Watching the whole ordeal unfold uneventfully He eventually recognized they were just Sicilians talking about sports and the weather. He laughed. At them. At himself. At how what looks dangerous to one person might be commonplace to another When we re-joined, he said, “I think I understand your family better” ‘Yeah, Welcome to my world,’ I said ‘And I’m so glad you introduced me to yours’ This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

    The Shock of Harmony

  5. Jul 1

    Welcome to Limbo

    There are only so many times a person can be earnestly trying for something Watching other people seem to get it easily And remain chipper in their congratulations Even when those well-wishes are heartfelt and without reproach It’s hard to keep envy entirely out of the equation And curiosity about what makes it unavailable to me This is hard. And tricky. And no one dances through it unscathed. And a well of compassion for so many people in so many situations erupts in me Even as I encounter my own flavor of it I’ve had the same pain point for years I can derive meaning, glean insight, and wax poetic about it I can also even notice and appreciate advantages it affords me Even as I cannot deny the disadvantages So many things can be true at once, it’s mindboggling But as I move through the days where my efforts fall flat I feel it’s a little bit like living in an apartment I don’t like Just wanting to GTFO And maybe washing the windows To make being here more bearable for today I had a friend say a few weeks ago: “Maybe you’re just not meant to work” And the cascade of bristling “Tell that to the electric company” “How is that fair to my husband?” “Do I just capitulate and accept that there isn’t a place I can serve society?” Came into direct opposition to some burdensome belief That I have to try No matter how many people ignore or reject me I have to keep offering myself That’s what my therapist said And I don’t know if it’s true (I have, actually, fired that therapist) But, today, my approach is about getting comfortable in Limbo There’s a Catholic belief that babies who die before baptism Have to wait out the Second Coming in this in-between place Not heaven Not hell Just limbo Feels familiar And if I’m going to be here a while As I have been in this specific area of my life I may as well exercise my acceptance muscle Stop being certain there’s a different expression of life Wherein my role in the world is flourishing in a way that is evident to myself I have tried every door, every window, every mouse hole with both left hand and right Limbo is not releasing me So, I may as well wash the windows Maybe get a new bathmat Hang a picture or two Get comfortable And make the desperate parts of me some tea and crackers Not because anything has changed But because I’ve lived long enough to know Resistance costs peace So I may as well make myself at home This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

    Welcome to Limbo

  6. Jun 29

    A Philosophy I Inherited from Myself

    We had a deal with our kids They could participate in pixels (TV, computers, iPads, phones) For the exact amount of time they spent being creative in the day Spend an hour or two drawing, writing, building, playing music or sports I will give you no grief about that game you want to play You want to binge it? You’re going to need to bank some creative time Which often got them into deep-focus projects. We also had pixel free days and sometimes weeks At the beginning of the week, there was little but complaint By the end of the week, integrating pixels back in was almost awkward Those days have passed Kids have become adults and my rules no longer apply to them But I now apply this rule for my own engagement with exterior voices I can’t consume more than I create And for every tale of Armageddon I ingest I owe myself its antidote: ascension narrative For every political outrage A tale of heroism in service to life and love It’s not far from my food philosophy For every dark leafy green and rainbow-colored meal I eat I can have latitude with a less than ideal option And while I can bank dark leafy green days I can’t accumulate cheat days So, the old Taoist approach of ‘moderation in all things’ The seed of an antidote in every poison, and potential for poison in every antidote Might just apply to everything Even today Nothing we’re experiencing here is new It’s the current expression of ancient dynamics Ever at play My relationship to the friction between Citizenship and mental health Has me consuming a certain amount of media Balancing the crazy with the inspirational helps me And key to grounding that balancing act Is spending an equal amount of time in expression Writing. Painting. Rearranging a shelf. Making a sign. That’s how I keep from being overwhelmed by the very real s**t show And far more optimistic about what’s possible in the world and between each other And within myself Perhaps this can be my conversational orientation as well Yes, I’ll listen to your political views for exactly as long as you’re willing to explore what you want to create And even: I’ll indulge my periodic disillusionment as long as I commit to a one-drop drawing I recently read: the opposite of depression isn’t happiness, it’s expression To think The best of my parenting is now parenting me. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

    A Philosophy I Inherited from Myself

  7. Jun 22

    Strange Time

    At almost any hour of any day If you ask me what time it is My impromptu response will be within 3-4 minutes of what the clock says And usually right on the nose It’s uncanny But made infinitely weirder by the fact That I have zero precision anywhere else in my relationship with time I’ve never worn a watch I rarely carry my phone I’ve recently heard the term “time drunk” and was a little scared at how much it resonated And it’s not just me My sister’s friend once summed up my father: “I picture your dad, a martini in one hand, a handful of peanuts in the other Having to be somewhere 15 minutes ago, and deciding to take a nap” Yup. There was a belligerence in his relationship to time all of his life We were all effected, and most of his children have some form of time wonkiness Wreaking all kinds of havoc My favorite dentist lied to me about my appointment time for years I was grateful, but once I knew, we were right back to rolling the dice as to when I’d be there Parenting made me able to act more responsibly, but just kindof During the few years my kids went to school I routinely showed up just as they were sending attendance to the office “Hey, kid! Hand me that clipboard! I’m just going to erase this little checkmark…” Contrast that with my husband When he took the kids to school they often had to wait for the teacher to come unlock the door My daughter is like my husband. My son is like me. I wish we were all somewhere in the middle But life is full of nebulous wishes, stubborn proclivities, and unpredictable transformations As well as specific wishes, remarkable growth and intentional shifts I am very clear that I can control very little of it Even, often, my own behavior But, I’m equally clear that I can be curious about my relationship to it, my experience of it, and my participation in it Without it being a referendum on my worth Not running to or from this state or that state, but knowing all the states arise and fall Not ‘a good day because I was on time’ Or ‘a bad day because i repeated a pattern I’m ashamed of’ Just a day A day full of wonder and heartbreak on this earth Billions of instances of each And the sweet and salty taste of participation. With homage to the great Chicago song - Yes, I generally know what time it is - and also, No, historically I have not cared - but this seems to be changing as the inquiry continues… This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

    Strange Time

  8. Jun 17

    Wonderful Capacity. Terrible Default Setting.

    I am a coiner of aphorisms One of my favorites is: “Wonderful capacity. Terrible default setting.” The first time I used it was counseling my nephew about a job interview His capacity to inflate himself would come in handy But be perilous if it was all he brought to the conversation I knew, as I said it, it was going to stick And I’ve returned to it again and again Empathy is a wonderful capacity As a default setting, we get lost in others’ experience. Drive is a wonderful capacity As a default setting, it bypasses satisfaction and leads to burnout Recognizing our own faults is a wonderful capacity But as a default setting it is grueling and self-eroding We’re naturally multidimensional And it is a disservice to ourselves and others to rely on a single mode of being. No matter how well we think it works for us Cross-training is an excellent physical example we would do well to apply more broadly When my daughter injured her ACL and the doctors recommended surgery A gifted physical therapist told us: “The way she moves is centered on her strengths, which led to the injury. Get the surgery without changing the pattern, she’ll have the same problem again What she needs is strength and flexibility through her full range of motion” She had been playing to her strengths And who could blame her for that default setting But without fully tended foundations Those strengths were going to collapse And so we postponed the surgery to develop her capacity And she never needed the surgery In fact, instead of being on the injured list that season She ended up winning conference honors. With “strength and flexibility through the full range of motion” Rotating our capacities as appropriate Becomes our default setting Responsive to the moment Harnessing the fullness of what we’ve done before To apply it in a responsive and sometimes new way This isn’t just a physical ideal It applies broadly to our lives It doesn’t diminish our strengths It supports them, and makes them sustainable, and gives us range When our focus becomes too narrow, too repetitive, too default Important things are left to atrophy Reducing the ground that supports us Even if we really enjoy relying on our favorite strategies (they’re so comforting) (Hollywood loves a good formula) But life is a broader spectrum And every moment asks me to meet it anew Even if I’ve gotten into a habit of responding as if today were a repeat of yesterday And I want to repeat the trick that got the most applause I mean, it’s a wonderful capacity, but a terrible default setting And as I notice how many subtle defaults I employ every day I’m trying to appreciate them, and invite them backstage To the raucous afterparty Where I never know what is going to happen next. Whatever happens next, I’d love for you to join me in this exploration of bringing our whole selves to participate in life This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

    Wonderful Capacity. Terrible Default Setting.
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About

Broadening the context through which I look at the world, finding connection and wonder. We need each other to remind each other. fallingtenderly.substack.com

Information

  • Creator
    Falling Gently
  • Years Active
    2025 - 2026
  • Episodes
    124
  • Rating
    Clean
  • Copyright
    © Falling Gently
  • Show Website
    Falling Gently Podcast