Why aren’t we talking about this?

Carly Osman-Holme
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New episodes every Thursday. www.whyarentwetalkingaboutthis.com Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should—big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human. This is for midlife women who: Want more from life but worry that wanting something different makes them ungrateful. Recognise burnout in women, yet find it difficult to stop being the capable one everyone relies on. Struggle with people pleasing and setting boundaries, especially when saying what they need might disappoint someone. Are considering a midlife career change, questioning who they’ve become or working out what they actually want. Are navigating identity after motherhood and wondering where their own needs fit. Want to understand sex in long-term relationships and find the words to talk about changing desire. Want to know how to have difficult conversations, ask uncomfortable questions or what to say to someone who is grieving, even when they’re scared of getting it wrong. Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school? My guests and I make room for what we’re still figuring out, helping you understand yourself and others a little better and find the words for what you’re feeling—without worrying that it makes you selfish, ungrateful or a terrible person. Especially when everyone else seems to have their sh*t figured out. Follow the show for a new conversation every Thursday.

  1. 3d ago

    Hyper-independence: When “I can manage” becomes “I don’t need anyone” | I’ve been thinking about this…

    Hyper-independence can show up in the everyday habit of doing everything yourself. Why does asking for help feel so uncomfortable when you’re happy to offer it? Since my conversation with Rachel Mason, I’ve been thinking about my own determination to figure everything out. I’m resourceful, I believe everything is figureoutable, and I will happily disappear into endless YouTube tutorials to find an answer. Yet asking someone who has already done it, “How did you get there?” often doesn’t occur to me. In this short episode of I’ve Been Thinking About This…, I explore the gap between being capable of doing something alone and letting someone help. I don’t have a neatly packaged explanation for my own behaviour, but I am curious about why I’m so willing to offer support and so reluctant to ask for it. If you recognise that contradiction, this is a few minutes to consider it with me. In this reflection How doing everything yourself becomes the default, even when someone else could help. Believing that success leaves clues, while still trying to work it all out alone. Being the first to offer a hand and struggling to ask for one. Whether accepting support has to change how we see our own capability. Hear the conversation that started this In my full conversation with Rachel Mason, founder of Rayse Community, we explore saying “I’m fine”, worrying about being a burden and learning to receive support through difficult health experiences. Hear Rachel’s account of the hospital appointment that opens this reflection, alongside the wider conversation about recognising and expressing what we need. Spotify:  Apple:    About the show Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should — big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human. Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school? It’s for midlife women who want to make sense of what they’re feeling, work out what they want and say what they need, without feeling selfish, ungrateful or like a terrible person. Especially when everyone else seems to have their sh*t figured out. From money and ambition to motherhood, grief, relationships and changing identity, these conversations can help you understand yourself a little better or know how to be there for someone else. Follow the show for a new conversation every Thursday. Topics: Podcast for midlife women, understanding yourself, relationships, self-trust, hyper-independence, asking for help, accepting support, doing everything yourself. Explore the podcast website

    Hyper-independence: When “I can manage” becomes “I don’t need anyone” | I’ve been thinking about this…

  2. 4d ago

    Why do I say I’m fine when I’m not? Asking for Help | Rachel Mason

    Asking for help can feel uncomfortable when you’re used to saying “I’m fine”. What happens when you need support but worry about being a burden? Rachel Mason took herself to her hysterectomy on the train. She also stopped attending the therapy she’d been offered because she felt someone else needed it more. In this conversation, she talks about facing a difficult diagnosis, surgical menopause at 30 and how hard it could be to recognise and say what she needed, even with people around her who loved her. Rachel is the founder of Rayse, a community connecting people through shared genealogical health experiences. We explore the difference between having people around and feeling understood, the discomfort of questioning a doctor and what happened when her partner offered to accompany her to a scan she would normally attend alone. If you recognise the instinct to keep managing, or want to understand someone who rarely asks for anything, there is plenty here to consider. Listen to the full conversation if you’ve ever said “I’m fine” because explaining what was really happening felt harder. What’s inside Why saying “I’m fine” can feel easier than opening up another thing to deal with. Rachel’s experience of seeking further medical opinions while worrying about being difficult. Turning down support because someone else might need it more. The unfamiliar experience of letting someone be there when you’re used to managing alone. Finding people who understand your experience, even when you already have loving friends and family. Guest and resources Explore Rachel’s Rayse Community, where people connect through shared health experiences. Read NHS information about recovery after a hysterectomy, including emotional effects and support. Listen next Why aren't we talking about this: Sex and what we want My conversation with Ally Iseman explores another place where saying what we want can feel uncomfortable.  Spotify Apple   About the show: Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should — big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human. Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school? It’s for midlife women who want to make sense of what they’re feeling, work out what they want and say what they need, without feeling selfish, ungrateful or like a terrible person. Especially when everyone else seems to have their sh*t figured out. From money and ambition to motherhood, grief, relationships and changing identity, these conversations can help you understand yourself a little better or know how to be there for someone else. Follow the show for a new conversation every Thursday. Topics: Podcast for midlife women, understanding yourself, relationships, women’s health, asking for help, feeling like a burden, accepting support, surgical menopause. Explore the podcast website

    Why do I say I’m fine when I’m not? Asking for Help | Rachel Mason

  3. Oct 22

    How to figure out what you want when you’ve put yourself last with Nadia Patel (LIVE)

    Wanting more from life doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful for the life you already have. So why can it feel so uncomfortable to admit it? Your career’s fine, your relationship’s alright, and you’ve got plenty to be grateful for. But there’s still that question: is this it? Recorded live at Home, Life & You at ExCeL London, this conversation with identity coach Nadia Patel explores how to figure out what you want in life when you’ve spent years doing what you thought you should. I get honest about wanting to be really, really rich while talking down my own value, comparing myself with other people and feeling guilty about wanting their kind of money. We also get into sex becoming a chore, feeling disconnected from my body after IVF, and wanting desire back without quite knowing what I desire anymore. Nadia helps me question the stories underneath those contradictions, including what I believe someone like me is allowed to have. In this episode: Knowing what you actually want: three questions to explore the desires you don’t say out loud and the limits you’ve come to accept. Wanting more money without apologising for it: the tension between ambition, guilt and downplaying your own worth. How to feel sexy again: making room for pleasure when your own needs have ended up at the bottom of the list. Putting yourself first without feeling guilty: being grateful for what you have while allowing yourself to want something different. Changing when the people around you haven’t: navigating friendships, boundaries and the discomfort of becoming someone you haven’t been before. If you’ve been quietly wondering whether this is all there is, this conversation gives you space to ask what you want now, even if the answer is different from the one you gave twenty years ago. Listen to Next: People Pleasing: Heidi Cullip. Explore how other people’s expectations can shape your choices before you’ve even asked what you want. Spotify Apple About the show Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should—big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human. Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school? A podcast for midlife women who’ve spent years being capable, responsible and there for everyone else, and are starting to ask what they actually want for themselves. From money and ambition to motherhood, grief, relationships and changing identity, we explore what’s going on underneath. If you want to understand yourself a little better, feel more confident saying what you need or know how to be there for someone else, follow the show for a new conversation every Thursday. Topics: Podcast for midlife women, understanding yourself, midlife, identity, wanting more from life, feeling unfulfilled, guilt about wanting more, putting yourself first.

    How to figure out what you want when you’ve put yourself last with Nadia Patel (LIVE)

  4. Oct 15

    Baby loss support: Grieving yourself or supporting someone you love | Tanya Wilkinson

    What does baby loss support really look like, whether you’re grieving yourself or trying to be there for someone you love? Grief coach and Death on the Daily host Tanya Wilkinson joins me to share her experience of miscarriage and the death of her daughter, Ngākau Raiona, following termination for medical reasons (TFMR). We talk about how lonely grief can become when everyone wants to make things better, but nobody can, and how difficult it can be to tell your whole story when parts of it still feel impossible to say out loud. Baby loss isn’t my experience, and I’ve often worried so much about saying the wrong thing that I’ve said very little. If you’ve wondered what to say to someone who has lost a baby, or felt misunderstood by the people trying to support you, this conversation explores what helps, what hurts and how we can meet each other with more understanding. In this episode: Being there without trying to fix it: how to sit with someone’s pain, even when you can’t find the words. Saying their baby’s name: why acknowledging their child can mean so much, long after the initial messages stop. The “grief Olympics”: why the stage of pregnancy shouldn’t determine whether you feel entitled to grieve. Grieving differently from your partner: understanding each other’s needs and finding support beyond your relationship. Grief after termination for medical reasons: Tanya’s experience of the guilt, shame and silence surrounding what she calls “a taboo on a taboo”.   Listen to Next: Am I grieving wrong? Kate Nudds. A conversation about mixed feelings, different ways of grieving and the pressure to cope in a particular way. Spotify Apple About the show Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should—big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human. Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school? A podcast for midlife women who’ve spent years being capable, responsible and there for everyone else, and are starting to ask what they actually want for themselves. From money and ambition to motherhood, grief, relationships and changing identity, we explore what’s going on underneath. If you want to understand yourself a little better, feel more confident saying what you need or know how to be there for someone else, follow the show for a new conversation every Thursday. Topics: Podcast for midlife women, understanding yourself, grief and loss, supporting others, baby loss, miscarriage, termination for medical reasons, saying your baby’s name.

    Baby loss support: Grieving yourself or supporting someone you love | Tanya Wilkinson

  5. Oct 8

    Having a baby in NICU: Guilt, fear and finding your bond | Charlotte Corbett

    What does life after NICU feel like when your baby is home, but you’re still on high alert? Charlotte joins me to share her experience of neonatal intensive care after her son Bertie was born ten weeks early. She describes NICU as “a beautiful horror movie”: somewhere that felt both safe and frightening, where the machines kept beeping, life outside carried on and she was trying to understand what her role was when other people were caring for her baby. We talk about going home without him, feeling torn between the hospital and her daughter, and how expressing milk became a job she could focus on when so much felt out of her control. Charlotte also shares something we don’t hear enough about: she didn’t feel that immediate bond with Bertie, and the moment she remembers connecting with him came five months later. Coming home brought relief, but it also brought new fears. Charlotte reflects on the anxiety, routines and need for control that stayed with her, the burnout she reached years later, and finally finding time to look after herself. If you’ve been through neonatal care, or want to understand how to support NICU parents, this conversation explores the parts that can be difficult to explain to anyone who wasn’t there. In this episode: Leaving hospital without your baby: the guilt of going home and feeling pulled between children who need you in different places. The pressure around expressing milk: how feeding became Charlotte’s focus, her routine and a way to feel she was doing something for Bertie. Bonding with your baby after NICU: Charlotte’s experience of feeling disconnected and the moment their connection began to feel different. The emotional impact beyond discharge: why coming home didn’t immediately bring the happiness or reassurance she had expected. Showing up for parents: short visits, practical help, respecting boundaries and offering company without asking them to carry your emotions too. Listen to Next: Burnout in Women — Shena Lee-Anthony. For another perspective on carrying on through a family health crisis, and recognising when you need support yourself. Spotify Apple   About the show Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should—big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human. Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school? A podcast for midlife women who’ve spent years being capable, responsible and there for everyone else, and are starting to ask what they actually want for themselves. From money and ambition to motherhood, grief, relationships and changing identity, we explore what’s going on underneath. If you want to understand yourself a little better, feel more confident saying what you need or know how to be there for someone else, follow the show for a new conversation every Thursday. Topics: Podcast for midlife women, understanding yourself, motherhood, identity, life after NICU, premature birth, bringing your baby home, bonding after NICU.

    Having a baby in NICU: Guilt, fear and finding your bond | Charlotte Corbett

  6. Oct 1

    How to talk about sex: Asking your partner for what you really want | Ally Iseman

    How do you talk to your partner about sex when you’re not even sure how to explain what you want? You can be confident at work, clear about your opinions and capable in so many parts of your life, yet still struggle to say what feels good, what’s missing or what you’d like to try. Relationship coach and founder of Passport 2 Pleasure, Ally Iseman, joins me to explore why our own pleasure can feel so difficult to prioritise. We talk about the messages we grew up with, the habit of putting someone else’s experience first, and the difference between having sex and actually enjoying it. I also ask something I’ve been wondering as friends become single and discover a new sense of freedom: can you find that curiosity and excitement within the relationship you’re already in? We explore how to understand your own desires, build sexual confidence and talk about changing needs in a long-term relationship. From noticing small moments of pleasure in everyday life to finding the words for an awkward conversation, this is an honest discussion about getting to know yourself as you are now—and making room for your partner to keep changing too. If you want more pleasure or connection but worry about what asking for it might mean, there’s plenty here to think about. In this episode: Understanding what you enjoy: making space for your own pleasure when you’re used to focusing on someone else. Talking about sexual needs: sharing curiosity, nerves and desires without turning the conversation into an accusation. Wanting something different after years together: allowing your relationship to evolve as you both change. Finding pleasure beyond sex: noticing everyday sensations and exploring new experiences together, without pressure to perform. Exploring with consent: talking about new things before trying them and making room for each other’s boundaries. Find Ally and her relationship resources at Passport 2 Pleasure. Listen to Next: Sex in Long-Term Relationships — Ruth Ramsay. Continue exploring desire, the pressure to feel spontaneously in the mood and making space for intimacy. Spotify Apple About the show Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should—big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human. Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school? A podcast for midlife women who’ve spent years being capable, responsible and there for everyone else, and are starting to ask what they actually want for themselves. From money and ambition to motherhood, grief, relationships and changing identity, we explore what’s going on underneath. If you want to understand yourself a little better, feel more confident saying what you need or know how to be there for someone else, follow the show for a new conversation every Thursday. Topics: Podcast for midlife women, understanding yourself, sex and intimacy, relationships, talking about sex, asking for pleasure, sexual confidence, intimacy in long-term relationships.

    How to talk about sex: Asking your partner for what you really want | Ally Iseman

  7. Sep 24

    Psychedelics for women: Midlife curiosity and the fear of losing control | Nasreen El-Mariesh

    Psychedelics for women: what’s behind the curiosity, particularly in midlife, and what holds us back from even having the conversation? I’ve been interested for years, but alongside that interest is a much less comfortable question: how would I cope with losing control, and what might I discover about myself? Women’s empowerment and psychedelic integration coach Nasreen El-Mariesh joins me to share her personal experiences with psychedelics and how they became part of her work. We start with the basics, exploring what psychedelics are, the distinction between microdosing and larger-dose experiences, and what she means by integration: making sense of an experience once you’re back in everyday life, with relationships, responsibilities and bills to pay. We also get into the questions underneath the curiosity. What happens when your life looks good on paper but you still feel anxious or stuck? Who are you beyond the roles you’ve spent years fulfilling? I share my own fear of letting go, and we discuss identity, self-doubt and the possibility of wanting something different in midlife. Nasreen reflects on the importance she places on preparation, support and what happens afterwards, alongside why someone appearing credible doesn’t necessarily mean they are. In this episode: Understanding psychedelics: the substances and experiences Nasreen discusses, and how she first became interested. Microdosing and larger-dose experiences: her personal account of the differences, without assuming everyone’s experience will be the same. The fear of losing control: my hesitation about exploring psychedelics and what it brings up about how I move through life. Identity and possibility in midlife: wanting to reconnect with yourself after years of giving your energy to other people and responsibilities. Psychedelic integration: why Nasreen places emphasis on what you do with an experience after it has ended. Find out more about Nasreen and her work at nasreenel-mariesh.com. This episode shares personal experiences and a coach’s perspective, rather than medical advice. Psychedelics carry risks, and microdosing’s safety and effectiveness remain unproven. Seek qualified medical advice about individual risks and medication interactions. Listen to Next: Trusting Your Intuition — Sim Stevens. Another exploratory conversation about self-trust, uncertainty and the feelings behind our decisions, this time through Sim’s spiritual perspective. Spotify Apple About the show: Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should—big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human. Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school? A podcast for midlife women who’ve spent years being capable, responsible and there for everyone else, and are starting to ask what they actually want for themselves. From money and ambition to motherhood, grief, relationships and changing identity, we explore what’s going on underneath. If you want to understand yourself a little better, feel more confident saying what you need or know how to be there for someone else, follow the show for a new conversation every Thursday. Topics: Podcast for midlife women, understanding yourself, midlife, self-trust, psychedelics for women, psychedelic integration, fear of losing control, microdosing.

    Psychedelics for women: Midlife curiosity and the fear of losing control | Nasreen El-Mariesh

  8. Sep 10

    Female ambition: Why does wanting more make us feel guilty? | Nadia Patel

    Why does female ambition still come with so much explaining? You want the promotion, the bigger business or the opportunity to be seen, but admitting it can bring up a whole other set of questions. Will people think you’re selfish? Does it make you less committed to your family? What happens if you become more successful than your partner? Identity coach Nadia Patel joins me to talk about the ambitions we downplay and the ways we wait to be noticed rather than asking for what we want. She introduces what she calls “identity lag”: being more capable and experienced than the version of yourself you’re still carrying around in your head. We explore how that can show up in what you charge, the opportunities you pursue and whether you believe you belong in the room. I also share my own contradiction: wanting to be more visible and outspoken, then catching myself shrinking because I’m worried people will think I’m getting too big for my boots. We get into the relationship questions too, including being more ambitious than your husband, worrying about outgrowing people and recognising contributions that don’t come with a salary or job title. Nadia reflects on trying to make her husband more career-driven before recognising the things he already brought to their life together. If you know there’s something you want to go for but keep softening it, qualifying it or waiting for someone to pick you, this conversation will feel familiar. In this episode: Admitting your ambition: why saying what you want can feel more exposing than quietly working towards it. Waiting to be picked: the difference between hoping someone notices your contribution and putting yourself forward. What Nadia calls “identity lag”: when your picture of yourself hasn’t caught up with your capabilities. Being more ambitious than your partner: questioning whose goals count and what each person brings to a relationship. The fear of being “too much”: anticipating judgment, downplaying your successes and making small changes to how you show up. Find out more about Nadia and her work at nadiapatelcoaching.com. Listen to next: People Pleasing — Heidi Cullip. Explore how other people’s expectations can shape your choices before you’ve even asked what you want. Spotify Apple About the show: Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should—big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human. Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school? A podcast for midlife women who’ve spent years being capable, responsible and there for everyone else, and are starting to ask what they actually want for themselves. From money and ambition to motherhood, grief, relationships and changing identity, we explore what’s going on underneath. If you want to understand yourself a little better, feel more confident saying what you need or know how to be there for someone else, follow the show for a new conversation every Thursday. Topics: Podcast for women, understanding yourself, work and ambition, confidence, female ambition, fear of being too much, asking for what you want, outgrowing expectations.

    Female ambition: Why does wanting more make us feel guilty? | Nadia Patel
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About

New episodes every Thursday. www.whyarentwetalkingaboutthis.com Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should—big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human. This is for midlife women who: Want more from life but worry that wanting something different makes them ungrateful. Recognise burnout in women, yet find it difficult to stop being the capable one everyone relies on. Struggle with people pleasing and setting boundaries, especially when saying what they need might disappoint someone. Are considering a midlife career change, questioning who they’ve become or working out what they actually want. Are navigating identity after motherhood and wondering where their own needs fit. Want to understand sex in long-term relationships and find the words to talk about changing desire. Want to know how to have difficult conversations, ask uncomfortable questions or what to say to someone who is grieving, even when they’re scared of getting it wrong. Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school? My guests and I make room for what we’re still figuring out, helping you understand yourself and others a little better and find the words for what you’re feeling—without worrying that it makes you selfish, ungrateful or a terrible person. Especially when everyone else seems to have their sh*t figured out. Follow the show for a new conversation every Thursday.

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