The Messy Middle Podcast

Erika Leon
  • 5.0 (3)
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The podcast for women navigating the raw, confusing, lonely aftermath of narcissistic abuse and emotional control. I'm Erika Leon, trauma-informed Abuse Recovery coach, mom of five, and creator of the Six Keys to Unfu*kwithable. I have walked thousands of women through the part after the leaving where the adrenaline fades, the grief hits, and the world really wants you to just move on.If you are picking up the pieces, questioning everything, and trying to remember who the f**k you were before you were so carefully erased, you are in the right place.

  1. MAR 26

    20 | Rebuilding Self-Trust After Manipulation & Abuse

    If you've ever walked away from a controlling or abusive relationship and found yourself completely frozen over the smallest decisions — what to wear, whether to text someone back, what to order for lunch — this episode is for you. It's not just that you stop trusting them after manipulation, control, or abuse. You stop trusting yourself. And that's the part nobody really talks about. Your internal compass gets scrambled. Not because you're broken, but because you were trained to override it. Over time, the loudest voice in your head stops being yours. It becomes theirs. And once you understand that, everything starts to make a little more sense. In this episode, we cover: Why making even basic decisions can feel debilitating after leaving a controlling relationshipHow self-trust gets eroded slowly and quietly, not all at onceWhy that harsh inner critic voice is often not yours, and whose it actually isWhy big, dramatic reinventions won't rebuild self-trust, and what actually willHow to use micro-decisions as daily medicine for your nervous systemWhat the freeze response really looks like, and how to gently bring choice back onlineThe guilt wave that shows up when you start putting yourself first A simple end-of-day journaling practice to start reconnecting with your own signalsYou don't rebuild self-trust with grand gestures or sweeping life overhauls. You rebuild it by choosing your lunch for the right reasons, leaving when you said you would, or following a tiny impulse and noticing how your body responds. It's unsexy. It's repetitive. And it is some of the most radical work you will ever do. You didn't lose your intuition. It just hasn't been listened to in a very long time. Let's change that. 📩 Send in YOUR questions and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start!  📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.

    19 min

  2. MAR 19

    19 | Why You´ll Lose Your Friends After Leaving High-Control Relationship

    No one prepares you for this part. You think leaving the relationship will be the hardest thing… until your world starts getting smaller in ways you didn’t expect. In this raw and honest episode, I dive into the social fallout that often follows leaving a narcissistic or high-control relationship.  The friendships that fade. The family members who stay neutral. The quiet distance. The subtle disbelief. The gut-punch comments like “it takes two.” And the part that hurts the most? Wondering if it’s somehow your fault. I break down why this happens, not to scare you, but to free you from the shame spiral that so many women fall into when their support system shifts or disappears. Inside this episode, wcovers: Why you may lose up to 80% of your social circle after leavingHow “neutrality” often protects the person who caused harmThe role of bystander inaction and why people don’t step upSecondary isolation and why leaving can feel just as lonely as stayingThe subtle ways people question your reality and how that impacts your healingWhy some friendships were built on proximity, not depthThe unexpected clarity and empowerment that can come from this lossThis isn’t just about grief. It’s about rebuilding. Because while this phase can feel deeply lonely, it’s also where you start choosing differently. Where you stop performing, stop appeasing, and start aligning with what actually feels safe, real, and true. If your world got smaller after you left, this episode will help you understand why… and remind you that you didn’t make the wrong choice. You didn’t lose everything. You’re making space for something better. 📩 Send in YOUR questions and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start!  📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.

    23 min

  3. MAR 12

    18 | "I'll Never Need Anyone Again" Hyper Independence Phase

    “I’ll never need anyone again.” If you’ve said this (out loud or quietly to yourself) after coercive control, betrayal, divorce, or going no contact… this episode is for you. In this conversation, I’m unpacking the very real phase so many women enter after high-control or narcissistic relationships: the swing from “I can’t survive without them” to “I will never depend on anyone ever again.” And I want to normalize this immediately: That response makes sense. If trusting someone meant humiliation… If vulnerability meant punishment… If needing support gave someone leverage over you… Of course your nervous system would decide: I’ll handle everything myself. But there’s nuance here. In this episode, I break down: The difference between hyper-independence and the sacred cocoon phaseWhy becoming “the strong one” can turn into an identity (and quiet isolation)How armor protects you… and how it can also exhaust youThe hidden cost of always being capableThe difference between fear-based independence and healthy autonomyWhy “I don’t need you” and “I don’t trust you won’t hurt me” are not the same sentenceBut there is a difference between healing solitude and fear-based exile - and learning to feel that distinction in your body is part of the work. This episode is not about rushing back into relationships. It’s not about convincing you to “open your heart” before you’re ready. Healing doesn’t mean becoming dependent again. It means expanding your capacity - inch by inch - so that connection no longer equals control, and support no longer equals weakness. You don’t need to be rescued. And you don’t need to be hardened forever either. You get to be sovereign. 📩 Send in YOUR questions and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start! 📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.

    24 min

  4. MAR 5

    17 | Why Peace Feels Boring After Narcissistic Abuse

    You finally got out. The chaos has stopped. So why does peace feel flat? Restless? Almost… boring? In this episode of The Messy Middle, I’m talking about something that so many women experience after leaving a narcissistic or high-control relationship but rarely admit out loud: Calm can feel uncomfortable. Instead of relief, you might feel numb. Irritated. Agitated. Like something is missing. You might even catch yourself missing parts of the relationship and immediately spiral into, “What is wrong with me?” Nothing is wrong with you. If you lived in volatility for years, your nervous system calibrated to volatility. The adrenaline spikes, the emotional highs and lows, the intermittent reinforcement, the push-pull dynamic, that chaos had a rhythm. And your body learned how to survive inside that rhythm. When it disappears, your system doesn’t instantly relax. It scans. It waits. It braces. In this episode, I break down: Why your nervous system confuses familiarity with safetyThe “intensity illusion” and how intermittent reinforcement wires your brainWhy steady can feel suspicious after fireworksThe urge to self-sabotage, text them, pick a fight, or create dramaWhy calm can feel like emptiness instead of freedomThe difference between feeling unsafe and feeling unfamiliarI also share a simple micro-practice to help you gently expand your capacity for peace without overwhelming your system. There is a gap between chaos and comfort. That gap is the messy middle. And if peace feels weird right now, that doesn’t mean you made a mistake. It means your nervous system is recalibrating. Eventually, calm stops feeling boring. It starts feeling safe. Then powerful. Then luxurious. And one day you will realize the fireworks were not chemistry. They were conditioning. If your peace feels strange right now, you are not broken. You are learning a new rhythm. And that rhythm? It’s called freedom. 📩 Send in YOUR questions and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start! 📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.

    18 min

  5. FEB 26

    16 | Who Am I Without Him? Journey Back to Yourself

    Who am I when I’m not managing someone else’s moods? Who am I when I’m not bracing for the explosion, calculating the cost of my resistance, or shrinking myself to keep the peace? In this raw and deeply honest episode of The Messy Middle, I’m diving into one of the most disorienting questions we face after narcissistic abuse and coercive control: Who am I without him? This isn’t just about being single. It’s about identity loss after emotional abuse. It’s about what happens to your nervous system when you’ve spent years adapting to volatility, managing someone else’s emotional temperature, and surviving through hypervigilance. In this episode, I talk about: How coercive control slowly rewires my nervous systemWhy I felt lost, untethered, and confused after leavingThe grief no one warned me about: mourning the version of me who survivedWhy “missing him” was often my body missing predictability, not the abuseHow his voice tried to live on inside my inner criticThe subtle, powerful steps I took to rebuild my identity safelyIf you’ve ever caught yourself saying, “I don’t even know what I like anymore,” I’ve been there too. What I’ve learned is this: that identity fracture isn’t weakness. It’s conditioning. And rebuilding doesn’t happen through pressure or performance. It happens through small, nervous-system-safe choices that help me trust myself again. I also share a simple, practical exercise I use to reconnect with my body’s preferences and rebuild self-trust, one tiny decision at a time. If you feel like you’re between versions of yourself, not who you were but not yet who you’re becoming, you’re not broken. You’re in the messy middle. And that space? It’s where autonomy, selfhood, and real freedom begin. 📩 Send in YOUR questions and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start! 📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.

    23 min

  6. FEB 12

    15 | When Doctors Dismiss You: Medical Gaslighting Explained

    What happens when you’ve been gaslit in your relationship… and then gaslit again by the medical system? In this episode of The Messy Middle, I respond to a listener question that so many women quietly carry: What do you do when you’ve been dismissed, minimized, and made to doubt yourself - not just by a partner, but by doctors? This isn’t about “bad bedside manner.” This is about institutional gaslighting. And for survivors of emotional abuse, it can feel like retraumatization all over again. In this episode, we unpack: Why the modern medical system was never designed around women’s bodiesHow trauma shows up as chronic illness, autoimmune issues, hormonal chaos, and nervous system dysregulationWhy “everything looks normal” can be a form of erasureHow medical dismissal mirrors coercive control dynamicsThe link between long-term emotional abuse and physical symptomsReclaiming yourself as your own authorityThis episode is both validating and activating. It’s about understanding that your body is not betraying you - it’s communicating. And you are allowed to believe it. You are allowed to: Fire doctors who dismiss youWalk out of unsafe appointmentsStop over-explaining yourselfTrust your lived experience over someone else’s credentialsBecoming unfuckwithable sometimes starts with one quiet, radical decision: I believe myself. Even when the system doesn’t. If you’ve ever left an appointment feeling small, foggy, shaky, or wondering if you imagined your own symptoms - this episode is for you. 📩 Send in YOUR questions and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start! 📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.

    18 min

  7. JAN 29

    14 | You Were Never Crazy - Your Body Always Knew the Truth

    What happens when your body knows the truth before your mind is ready to admit it?  In this deeply personal episode of The Messy Middle, I reflect on a powerful message from a listener who paused the podcast to do inner child work in real time: hugging a childhood toy, asking what she needed to hear, and speaking words of truth her body had been waiting for.  That moment wasn’t random. It wasn’t “woo.” It was healing.  This episode is about learning to trust the moments your body speaks before your brain catches up - especially after narcissistic or emotional abuse, where self-trust has been systematically dismantled.  In this episode, we unpack:  Why intuition gets overridden in abusive dynamicsHow gaslighting trains you to doubt your own knowingWhat somatic healing actually looks like in real lifeWhy you don’t need full memories or flashbacks to healHow to gently rebuild trust with your intuition without forcing itThrough lived experience, client stories, and practical examples, this episode reminds you of something essential: You are not broken. You are remembering.   If you’ve ever had a gut feeling you ignored, whispered truth to a younger version of yourself, or felt something shift in your body before you could explain it - this episode is for you. 📩 Send in YOUR questions and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start! 📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.

    18 min

  8. JAN 15

    13 | You Don't Have to Forgive Your Abuser to Heal

    In this episode, I’m responding to listener messages that came in after the Inner Child ep, including one powerful moment that stopped me in my tracks.  A listener shared how she paused the podcast, climbed into bed with her childhood stuffed zebra, and spoke truth to the younger version of herself. What she described is exactly what real healing looks like - not performative, not perfect, but embodied, intuitive, and honest. From there, we move into some big, thorny questions I get asked all the time: Do we have to forgive our parents? Do we have to forgive narcissistic abusers? Is forgiveness actually necessary for healing, or has it been weaponized against us? In this episode, we talk about: Why forgiveness is not a prerequisite for healingHow women are conditioned to use forgiveness to stay small, quiet, and palatableThe difference between forgiveness, freedom, integration, and indifferenceWhy rage, grief, and truth-telling are often essential parts of recoveryHow to redefine forgiveness on your terms, or reject it altogetherA body-based reflection to help you feel what forgiveness actually means to youThis is not a “just let it go” conversation. It’s a reclaim-your-power conversation. If you’ve ever felt pressured to forgive before you were ready, or told that healing requires you to absolve the people who harmed you - this episode is for you. 📩 Send in YOUR questions and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start! 📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.

    20 min
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Ratings & Reviews

5
out of 5
3 Ratings

About

The podcast for women navigating the raw, confusing, lonely aftermath of narcissistic abuse and emotional control. I'm Erika Leon, trauma-informed Abuse Recovery coach, mom of five, and creator of the Six Keys to Unfu*kwithable. I have walked thousands of women through the part after the leaving where the adrenaline fades, the grief hits, and the world really wants you to just move on.If you are picking up the pieces, questioning everything, and trying to remember who the f**k you were before you were so carefully erased, you are in the right place.

Information

  • Creator
    Erika Leon
  • Years Active
    2025 - 2026
  • Episodes
    20
  • Rating
    Explicit
  • Copyright
    © 2026 The Messy Middle Podcast
  • Show Website
    The Messy Middle Podcast