Jakob Sebok of Aligned Power Coaching Gracie Jiu Jitsu Studio Edwardsville, IL Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Meg Meeker Transcript: Kate: [00:00:00] [00:01:00][00:02:00] [00:03:00][00:04:00] today on the Healing Journey, we will be discussing healing masculinity. I have two guests I'm very excited to introduce you to. First, I'm gonna introduce you to my dear friend Doug. Doug isn't just a longtime friend. He's someone I've chosen his family, and he's the godfather to my children. [00:05:00] One of the things I admire most about him is his lifelong commitment to being a good man and showing up for others with generosity and kindness. Over the years, he and I have shared many deep and meaningful conversations about many things, but including sexuality, gender roles, and what it means to grow and evolve as a person. I'm truly honored to bring him into this space today. Doug, welcome to the show. Doug: Thanks for having me, Kate. Kate: So excited to have you. Um, can you do me a favor and just so our audience has an idea of your perspective, can you just tell us a little bit about yourself and where you are and the stages of life? Doug: Yeah, so I'm a, uh, three time dad raising, uh, two girls and a boy. Um, on my personal life. I am a four-time iron man. I love physical fitness, challenging myself to things that I, I think would be impossible without hard work. I love creating, building, um, things with, [00:06:00] whether it be woodworking or painting murals. Um, professionally, I'm a IT director where I helped build the cloud. Um, so I'm plugged into a lot of, uh, uh, the technology revolution that we're having today. And, um, I'm very interested in how we tackle this topic, especially given that, um, I'm raising two girls and a boy and trying to figure out how we navigate the world of, of parenting, um, especially with the new challenges that we have coming away. Kate: I love, love the fact that you bring up. There are some new challenges here. I think lately with everything going on in the world, there's been lots of conversations about, uh, masculinity and toxic masculinity and how we can break some of those old habits. So I'm glad you're here to help us. Let me also welcome another friend, uh, Jake Ach. Jake and I first met a few years ago when he came to my office to get some myofascial release. At that time, he shared with me that he was going through a [00:07:00] divorce and I just remember being struck by the poise and composure with which he spoke about such a difficult season. I was really impressed 'cause I know I didn't handle it that well when I had to go through my divorce. But from there, a friendship quickly grew, and we have been dreaming about collaborating ever since then. So more recently, Jake launched his own business, modern Manhood, with the mission of helping men discover deeper meaning and fulfillment in their lives. I'm so excited to have you here today, Jake, welcome to the show. Jake: Yeah, thanks for having me. Yeah, this is, uh, this is super. It's a long time coming, so, like you said, it's been a long Kate: time. We've been talking about doing something together for a while. Jake: Yeah, absolutely. Kate: Tell us a little bit about yourself, Jake. Jake: Absolutely. Yeah. So I am a father of three now living life with, uh, my partner Elizabeth. And we are just going through [00:08:00] it. We're, we're experiencing life and all the chaos and joy that being parents, uh, brings. I'm, you know, building a business at the same time. So things are busy, but at the same time, we're feeling full, you know, fulfilled and excited for what life has to offer. Kate: That's right. And Jake, when you're not working and raising kids, what other things do you use to fill your time? Jake: So I'm also a level two CrossFit trainer. So I do some coaching at a local gym and have a ton of fun just, uh, doing CrossFit workouts with a friend, uh, most of the days of the week. And yeah, I love to grill. I love to play guitar, stuff like that. Kate: Huh. Excellent. So, we'll, let's dive in. And I think one of the things that, uh, kind of struck me as you guys were introducing yourselves is that I know both of you are very dedicated to your, the physical challenges that you, uh, engage in. Um, [00:09:00] do you think that something that contributes to your own sense of masculinity? Doug: Yeah, so I, I, I think I came from, I have a very good mentor in my father. Um, he was, uh, uh, volunteering for children to have muscular dystrophy my whole life. I don't remember a time where he wasn't volunteering. And when I got to be old enough, I got to volunteer at the same summer camp and, uh, I heard from. Uh, uh, kids at the time, but they were, they were older than me in some cases. Uh, I, I was 15 years old and, and at the time, kids can come in summer camp up to 21 years old. And, uh, these, uh, uh, kids in, in some cases adults had, uh, debilitating physical diseases and, um, uh, they would, uh, tell me that, Hey, you know, they would never be able to run a 5K or do a marathon or do [00:10:00] these physical things. And, uh, I felt at that moment that I had a, um, I was wasting opportunity that, uh, I was given with my physical body to use it to its extreme purposes. And that set a fire under me. Um, and I think it did help channel some of the energy you have as a. As a youth from 15 to, you know, into your mid twenties where you want to, uh, uh, physically express yourself and prove that you have, uh, worth and, and that, um, you can be up to the challenge for things. And a lot of times that's not directed, uh, appropriately to things. And so, um, I do think, you know, it, it helped me mature as a person, but, um, really not from a perspective of masculinity as much as, uh, trying to, um, honor the things that I, I, I feel like I was given this world and, and, and not wasting the opportunity that, um, that, uh, and the privileges that I was born with.[00:11:00] Kate: Wow. What a beautiful tribute to the work that you've done with MDA that I know that you and your dad have been doing ever since you were a kid. That's, that's awesome. Now, more recently, I know you've taken a dive into Juujitsu. Has that, um, framed, uh, your thoughts about. Activities or exercise or your strength? Doug: Well, actually, um, this is kind of interesting 'cause I think it gets into this whole topic about masculinity and, uh, what it means to be a, a, a concept of a, a boy or a girl in the full spectrum of things that, that, that people can be, uh, born disposition to. It started really with me thinking I am going to be raising two girls, my two oldest are, are girls. And, uh, hearing from other women talk about how uh, they can be intimidated, uh, scared of men. And, um, I remember, uh, hearing enough. I walk into a boardroom, I'm not scared of any [00:12:00] other men in the room. And, and thinking of that, my daughter's in that position, and when they walk into a room full of men, uh, are they going to be intimidated and would they be something other than themselves because of that? And so it actually started with me getting the girls engaged and, and Jiujitsu and, um, learn watching them through it. And, um, seeing, uh, girls in a male dominated sport, uh, especially when they're little, there's no differentiation between boys and girls. Um, they, they, they do juujitsu. They play juujitsu, they wrestle together. And, uh, oftentimes my daughters who were smaller would be paired with larger men, uh, I shouldn't say men, but, but boys. And, uh, watching those boys and how they interact with, uh, the girls and wanting to assert themselves over the girls and then eventually watching them be able to push back and provide, uh, levels of defense and even offense against these. Uh, boys was, was really, uh, helped me understand who [00:13:00] they are as people, how they deal with struggles, how they deal with frustrations. Um, but then it also realized that I am disconnected from that experience. Uh, growing up I played, uh, uh, baseball and rugby. These are team sports. And, um, I really didn't know what it felt like to be matched one-on-one with a person and having competition be so in intimate like that, having your failures be your fault and own those failures, um, and then learn from them. And so, um, uh, I eventually got my son into Jiujitsu and then I got into it. Um, and then I thought, it's kind of funny. I thought, well, I'll get into it so I can share this thing with them, but also I'll help coach them. And then I just learned, uh, as I got in Juujitsu, just how good they are and how, how little I knew. And so, uh, there's no coaching them. They, they watch me. And point out all the things I do wrong, which I, I think that helps bond us a little bit because, uh, although they may see me as their father, they also see me struggle and see me lose, uh, see me win [00:14:00] and, uh, get to see how I cope and deal with those situations so that maybe they can learn from that themselves when they go through those competitions. Kate: So what I'm hearing is you're trying to lead by example, but you're also seeking out experiences for your girls to grow their own self-worth and confidence. Doug: Yeah. You know, um, my, I have my two daughters, one of them who is, uh, older, uh, naturally was, was, was gifted at Juujitsu. She, she just got it and she's competitive. My middle daughter is not as competitive. And, um, I would watch my middle daughter sit, you know, sitting near feet away from her with a, uh, watching a, uh, a larger boy put his elbow into her neck and put all his weight on her. And to see her start to tear up and me as a parent thinking, I need to step into this. Uh, I sh I should not be witnessing this. I should be part of [00:15:00] solving this problem for her. But, but holding myself back to think, let's see how she deals with this. And, um, she wasn't able to get out. The round ende
